Oh, Mother's Day

(I know, I know, over a month since I've posted.  And I am going to write a retroactive IF Awareness Week post- stay tuned.  Lots going on (everyone says that, but of course it's true to some extent or another), and alot of things I want to write about but don't want to just rattle off a post because they're bigger than just random...)

But you know, about Mother's Day tomorrow.  For IF graduates, a very bittersweet situation.  Bitter because you remember what it was like to want to hide in your basement the whole day and because you (more than likely) still know someone who is doing that very thing, but of course very sweet because now you actually finding yourself in a position where the day actually involves you.

I have said a zillion times how grateful we are to have been blessed with M, and I could go on and on about it, and of course I championed my new favorite mothering book a couple months ago (if you never ordered it, you should give yourself a Mother's Day present right now and get a copy- you will not regret it!!), but the thought that came to me when I was reflecting about what to write about Mother's Day took me back to when I was not a traditional mother.

In the fall of 2010, I had gone to counseling because I felt totally alienated by my fantastically fertile college friends, and Mr. A was out of advice and ideas.  My counselor was not particularly focused in infertility issues, but she had a few helpful thoughts.  The one that applies most here was that when I was telling her of my desire to be a mom, she noted that there were many ways that I mothered that are still valid, even if they were not the traditional role.  I had two dogs that depend on me for exercise, food, water, and attention.  I cared for my husband when he was sick and made meals he liked.  I checked on elderly neighbors to see if they needed help with daily activities.  My volunteering often placed me in situations of providing advice to teenagers in crisis situations.  Even though I didn't have a child in the house, I had unknowingly been using my mothering abilities and strengths.

So if you are still waiting for a child to fill your home, or if you have overcome IF through acceptance of a child-free future, I celebrate you tomorrow, in all the ways you mother, even if they are not the traditional greeting-card ways!!

Lapped

I knew the day would come, but I hadn't really prepared myself as actively as I'd wanted (mostly because I didn't know they were trying)... my sister is having another baby.

She called a couple weeks ago to tell me she was 12w along, and all I could say, over and over again, is "You are so lucky."  She kept saying, "I know, I know."

I cried off and on the rest of the day.  Alot of people I know are having their second (or third, etc) babies now, but this is my sister.  My nephew gets to be a big brother.  Meanwhile, M has to pretend her dolls are her sisters.  (Which she has started to do, without my prompting- one is her sister and one is my sister, and they are also sisters (haha), and she takes them everywhere...)

Mr. A is so solidly unmoved by families adding more kids to themselves, it's a lifesaver.  He ran down the list of reasons why it is great to have (and/or be) and only child, and I would repeat them to myself dozens of times in the next 2 days.  Many are materialistic, like being able to give her really nice toys and clothes, send her to a private school with excellent standing in the community, and pay for her college, etc... but subconsciously those are difficult for me because they are why my mom crucified families with only one kid- when I was younger, she would say "they just had one kid so they could take fancy vacations", "how selfish of them to just have one child so they can live in a bigger house", "too bad they didn't give their child a sibling".

After some journaling and praying, because feeling the weight of being left behind/infertile, when clearly we've been given M already, brings up guilt and confusion all its own, I came up with this: I am not longing for another baby for myself.  M is 100% enough for us- we prayed for a child to fill the hole in our family, and she has filled the hole a hundred times over and more.  I think at this point, after seeing my friends' kids "get" a sibling, I would love another baby for M.  I would love for her to have a ready-made playmate, instead of standing at the front door willing the neighbor kids to come bursting out of their door.  I don't want her to be lonely.  I want her to be able to say "this is my sister (or brother)" and see the proud smile on her face and see an actual sister or brother and not her doll.

Of course for as many people who are super close to their siblings (me), there are those who are not close or even at distinct odds with their siblings, so my assumption that M and a hypothetical sibling would have the kind of relationship I have with my sibs is definitely not a certainty.

I wrote in my journal for her: "You are more than enough for us; I hope we are enough for you."

Fast forward a few days, and I was a couple days past my usual new-cycle day.  It is interesting how you can rationalize with yourself and convince yourself of varying situations, because when I realized I was late-ish (of course any giddy-ness about being a couple days late is long gone by this point in time!!), I started thinking, well how are we going to save as much for two college educations?... we'll have to start full time childcare all over again...and on!  I laughed because only days before, I had had to convince myself of the glory in easily saving for M's college and being on our last leg of childcare!!

And of course, I had nothing to worry about because obviously I wouldn't be pregnant (CD 6 today), and I am grateful to genuinely feel happy and content with M as our only lovebug.  I pray that God will bless our relationship so that we can do, and enjoy together, really cool mother-daughter things that maybe we wouldn't be able to do if He'd given me a new baby every 2 years.

I am sure that my sister have another baby will bring the questions from M about where is her sister, etc., but I'm just praying God will give me grace in that moment to respond to her without losing it myself.  I am grateful for the family He has created for us, and hey, Jesus turned out okay with no siblings, right?  ;-)

You, too?

I think there is a mass outbreak of pregnancies.  No, I'm serious!  My friend in the neighborhood is pregnant.  My neighbor's son's wife is pregnant.  My friend's friend is pregnant.  Several bloggers I follow/lurk are pregnant.  My sister is probably accidentally pregnant again (pure speculation).  If you are pregnant and reading this, you better spill the beans so I can add you to the list!

I wonder sometimes if anyone who is still waiting to conceive or become a mom thinks my posts about (now secondary, I guess?) infertility are completely ungrateful and lame.  I definitely feel guilty wondering why it seems like I'm the only one longing for another baby and not seeing two lines. 

But then there are also times like tonight.  We'd finished dinner, with the dishes piled high in the sink (a sure sign of an excellent meal, no?).  Lately I've just been leaving the cleanup till after M is in bed- playtime is too precious with the three of us to waste it washing pots and pans.  We were chasing, doing puzzles, tickling, and hiding- and I was saying to myself, this is awesome.  We can focus 100% of our attention on her, play however and with whatever she wants, read her stories at bedtime, and come downstairs and clean up the kitchen and kick back.  No hectic timing of feeding a baby and eating our regular dinner all together, no double teaming bedtime for two kids, and when she's asleep, it's time to clean up the kitchen, and then time for just us.  Of course I'd give up the entire last sentence for the chance to give her a sibling, but we are head over heels crazy for her, and that's as good as a sibling, right?

Fake it till you make it

My good friend's mom held a baby shower for her today, and M and I went together.  I knew that her daughter would be there, and turns out there was another 2-yr old girl there, too.  All in all, an enjoyable couple of hours, but her pregnancy remains pretty bittersweet for me.

To back up a little, I did end up throwing her a stock-the-freezer shower in mid-December, and it was AWESOME.  If you know anyone who's having a baby, you should definitely throw them a stock-the-freezer shower.  Just pick several recipes, make a master ingredient list, ask each participant (except the guest of honor) to pitch in on grocery items, gather up freezer bags and disposable aluminum pans, and make a general list of the order things need to happen (prep, cooking, etc.).  I ended up organizing recipes that I'd cooked for ourselves before M was born (my friend and her family and not casserole-y folks either, which is what 98% of the "freezer meals" that you come up with if you go looking for that category).  She invited two of her friends, and the four of us prepared 14 meals in 3 hours.  We didn't rush- enjoyed coffee and treats the whole time- and it was just a really fun morning.  (We met 9-12, so we could all have the rest of the Saturday to spend with our respective families.) 

For today's shower, I went and got a few things from her registry, and we also picked out a couple small things for her daughter, sort of a big sister gift.  I probably didn't need to get as much as I did, but I think it is part of my fake it till you make it campaign, to truly let it not bother me.  I think I'm doing a pretty good job of getting there- I have my continually-compiled list of reasons having only one child is great- but nearly the only thing that gets me is remembering holding M when she was just a couple hours old- so tiny, so precious, so loved, such an answered prayer.  And, gah, she gets to do that again.  And her daughter gets to have a sister.

I know there are many women who long for a child and never see that prayer answered in the affirmative, and I know that I am one of the lucky ones who's called mama.  But sometime in the last few months, misfit wrote something to the tune of just having one child is not exactly triumphing over infertility.  (Forgive me for the paraphrase, but I can't seem to find your exact language now!  Also forgive me for not commenting on that post- I love that sentiment from the moment I read it!)  And I've never felt that more than walking through my friend's pregnancy.  Yes, I can barely put into words how grateful I am for M, but I still feel infertile at times like this.  My friend has told me, in an effort to bolster any hope that- it can happen again!- that this was the only time they didn't use protection, and so it can happen anytime!!  It is such a sweet effort, but when I told Mr. A about this, he laughed and said, um, did you tell her we haven't used protection once in like 9 years?  Hahahahaha ;-)

So anyway, my friend's baby is due in 2 weeks, and because it is 100% true, I keep telling her that I'm so happy for her to be welcoming this precious new life into the world.  Because I am happy for her.  And I'm getting there about truly not having it get to me.  Slowly....

And as an example of God's mercy (in addition to the contract on our house, haha), I present to you, M's best friend from preschool's mom.  I invited them over to play recently, and she asked the dreaded question, are you going to have any more kids?  I said, well, we'd love more, but it took us 4 years of trying to have M, and so we aren't holding our breath.  Much to my great surprise, she said, "That's us too!"  I about fell off my chair.  We talked about each of our experiences, and I speak for myself, but I felt very safe with sharing our journey with her.  I hope that we will be able to deepen our friendship, because her daughter is really sweet, and M loves her, and there is nothing like having another friend who's struggled to build their family. 

Thank you Lord, for each of these women.  You have used them to teach me about humility, friendship, honesty, and mercy.  Help me to be a good friend to each of them, to reflect Your life.

My first Gender Reveal

Well, my friend is having another girl.  The party was pretty fun- although M is very social, in new settings, she needs a minute (or several or lots) to take everything in, and it was no different showing up at a party with 10 other kids running full tilt.  But she eventually warmed up a little, and of course she enjoyed the pink pudding-filled cupcake :)

The only time I felt like grabbing her and running out of the house was when it was just M and I in their living room.  She had gone in to play with some toys they have in there, to get a little time to herself after being bulldozed by an especially excited 18-month old boy.  I hear my friend and two other ladies in the kitchen:

"I hear so-and-so is pregnant again."
"Yes, she was also pregnant as the same time as me last time."
{lots of squealing}
"ooooOOoooooh, isn't it so fun that everyone is pregnant again!!!!"
"Yes, I can't believe it happens that way!!!"

Not for everyone, folks.  I am just glad I was in the living room.  Even though only two tears tried to surface, it may have been awkward if I'd been in there with all the multiple-child mamas.

Of course I totally recognize that I'm beyond lucky to have been pregnant once, so I could have something to say when one of the women asked me later, "So which midwife delivered your daughter?", when I answered, cue more glee, "ooOOOooo, she delievered my second son!!  Isn't she greeeeeeaaatttt?"

Eventually it was bedtime, and we walked home and I felt a little quiet.  I am so, so grateful to have M and be able to be a mom.  So many days I thought my dream would never come true.  I might not get to experience another pregnancy, but I will always have the memories of carrying Maryanne, and the privilege of being her mom from here on out.

CD24 (?) and other random things

So to wrap up about my pity party: fairly light bleeding for a week, totally unlike any period I've ever had before.  If I count it as a normal one, though, today is cd24.  I had no fertile CM this "cycle", which is totally weird.  Every now and then, I wonder if maybe I will end up on M-T.V, not knowing I was pregnant (because isn't that what everyone always says: "I had a few days of bleeding and thought it was my period"?), but I don't think I'm that lucky for that to happen.  Will keep you posted...

Tonight I'm going to my first gender reveal party.  A good friend I've made here is due in mid-January with her second baby.  Her first daughter is 6 months older than M, and she lives right over the hill, so we see them at least once a week.  It is often bittersweet, because I would love for M to have a sibling, but I've just accepted that some visits I feel totally fine with her pregnancy (a total "oops"), and other times the longing I feel is fairly pronounced.  But my super-fine-with-it alter ego is throwing her a stock-the-freezer party in December, because I love to cook, and I cherish her friendship.  Isn't that a nice alter-ego?  ;-)

Other than that, this fall I have big plans for reorganizing, or really organizing for the first time, my perennial beds.  At this point, I have idea of what blooms best where and at what time, so I'm hoping that my big plans materialize!  I might even get all fancy and make a schematic of where I'd like to put stuff...oooooh!  Some of my big plans:  remove two scraggly evergreen bushes in front of the house, move perennial bush to where the evergreens used to be; move blueberry bush to more sun and add another blueberry bush; make room for strawberry plants.  Maybe if I make an actual list, it will help me be accountable :)

I am 5lbs away from my new, revised weight goal.  My original goal was 8lbs ago, but once I got there, I figured why stop there?  I signed up for an 8k in November with my cousin, and I'm hoping that the extra running will help me get the last pounds off.  I have not been at this weight since mid-highschool!  hahaha  It feels great!!!  All I can say is: PORTION CONTROL...even more than consistent working out, although that is a big part, too.  When I began my weight loss a year ago, I was completely astonished at how much more I was eating that I needed to/was supposed to.  I eat the same exact things (well, more lunch salads because I can eat more for the calories!), just more reasonable portions.  I am down 33 pounds, and hopefully I will lose the other 5 by the end of this year!  Yipee!  At least if I can't be pregnant again, I can be a very in-shape mama ;-)

Good friends

Another of my best friends just emailed that she is due with #2 in january... her kids will be 1.5 years apart.  I am happy for her of course but it stings a little cause I always wanted kids close together and who even knows if we will be blessed with another.

I wrote her back the usual congratulations etc., because Im not sure how "man, Im so jealous" would have gone over.

H, if youre reading, I mean that in the most non-jealous way possible haha!

Feeling "led" (for once?)

A couple years ago, when I was a new peer counselor at the largely-evangelical-staffed pregnancy center, I was exposed some prayer language that I was not really used to.  One example was, "If you feel led, please pray for {whatever}".  If I felt led?  What does that mean?  Not like God is going to peek out from around the corner, and say, hey come pray this way....  did it mean if I decided to pray about {whatever}?

It went along the same lines of confusion/bewilderment as the Christian radio station's membership drive, where they would say, "Just pray about how much God is asking you to give."  I chuckled out loud the first time I heard it.  As if God is channel you (or at least me) a specific dollar amount to pledge to this organization!!!!  (I've written about this before.)  They surely meant to go home and check the budget and see how much was left over?

Anyway, from my experience, more often than not, most people use "if you feel led" in a way similar to "if you have time" or "if you wouldn't mind".  And maybe sometimes people really mean, "if you think it is a good idea" or "if you sit down to pray about it and you just have an overwhelming urge to pray for {whatever} then do so".

The latter is what I'd call actually "feeling led", and it might have just finally happened to me.  Fake it until you make it, right?  hahahahaha ;-)

Ever since period-ageddon in February and subsequent soul searching in March, I have pretty much not prayed for any more babies.  It has just been too hard to dream, and I felt that praying for contentment with our family as-is was a much more reasonable prayer that could be answered in the affirmative.  And I think it has helped.  I have been feeling fairly positive about having only one child- even started a list on my phone of pro's on the matter- and did you know that there is a whole website dedicated to only children?

Then my friend up the road, whose daughter is 6 months older than M, shared with me that she is pregnant with #2.  I give her major credit, because she had just found out the day before, and unless she already posted it on facebook (which I doubt), I think I may have been among the first people to know.  It has been quite a while since I felt like I was that trusted from a friend, you know, that I was a good enough friend to be that vulnerable with.  That felt awesome, but of course the news itself stung.*

So then I'm sitting rocking M that night, and I'm trying to pray for contentment like I have been doing for months now, and all I could think was "Why am I stuffing away my deepest prayer for another baby?  My prayers for contentment are sincere and true, but I shouldn't only pray for contentment just because it is easier/more attainable.  We would love another baby, and I would like to pray for that, too."  And so, I kind of reflected on all that, and I came to the conclusion that maybe that is what it's like to "be led" to pray for something.

But this all comes with caveats.  For the sake of my Christian faith, I'm being led by the Holy Spirit.  For the sake of logic and cynics, I'm being led by jealousy.  (Oh sure, only when one of your closest friends is pregnant do you want to start praying for another baby!)  Also, just because we can be confident that God hears our prayers (1 John 5:14), doesn't mean that He is going to say yes, so of course my skeptical IF heart still asks, what is the point?  Haha  ;-)

But for now, I've added praying that God would allow us to conceive a happy, healthy sibling for M back to my list of petitions.  Only after asking for contentment with the family which God choose to make of us of course, because I have come to rest in that prayer, even if it was forced at first.  My expectations are still pretty low that we'll get another BFP, but at least I won't feel like I'm just ignoring that tiny little voice in my heart.  I guess it's about time I feel "led"...given the name of this blog and how much I've focused on the "journey" of all this!!


*Supposedly it had taken "a long time" with their first daughter (not exactly sure how long), and I guess they had been preventing somehow since then, because this was "the one time" that nothing had been in place, and whadya know.  She is totally on board with how precious this life is, and how exciting this is, and how amazing it is that people get pregnant at all with the technically tiny window of opportunity, but I just wanted to laugh and laugh (not at her, at the situation).  The one time!?  Mr. A and I have been married for 8 years this July, and we have never ONCE used any kind of prevention!  Hahahahahahahahaha Shouldn't we have like 7 kids now??  But I am so honored that she would trust me with this information, so that is really my biggest "takeaway"...

End of an era

Apparently, the free blog template that I've been using for 4 years (has it really been that long?!) is not really working anymore- I guess they removed some of the pictures or something!  I love this template, so I'm really sad that I will need to find a new one.  I've been searching for unique free blog templates, but so far they all look so much the same.  Blah.  I need to make up my mind, though, because the error picture on the left-hand side is bugging me ;-)

(And an update on my friend who miscarried her baby- we have talked/emailed several times, and it seems as though what I've said/written has been well-received and encouraging to her.  Thanks for all your advice!)

My (fertile) friend had a miscarriage

I was admittedly shocked.  It seems as if my fertile college friends have been immune to all-problems-reproduction, and so I am just kind of speechless.  I do not know the pain of miscarriage, and I would never wish infertility or a miscarriage on anyone, and I am pretty sure that while some emotions are the common, there are differences in the struggle of infertility and the grief of miscarriage.  I just never expected any of my fertile friends to even come close to the infertility/infant loss circle. 

She would have been 14w today.  I called her and left a voicemail and emailed her with the same sentiment: that I was praying for her and that she could call anytime and I would be a shoulder for her for whatever she was needing to say or cry.  I asked her to let me know how I could be the best friend to her in this time of sadness.  I don't really expect to hear from her, but I feel like that was a good start.

What more can I do?  She lives several states away.  Flowers?  An miscarriage remembrance necklace?  A care package with treats?  How have you supported miscarriage survivors in your life?

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

CD1

OBVIOUSLY.  It would have been too easy, too perfect, to get another BFP almost exactly 2 years later.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.  Or to fertile people. 

All morning I have been arguing with myself.  There is the one half of me who is bummed, sarcastic, and insecure.  Then there is the other half of me who sees no reason to complain: there is a perfect little 15-month old peacefully sleeping upstairs after making pie dough and playing with her babydoll and running errands with me this morning.

Over the weekend, I caught myself several times thinking, wow I have finally hit my mom stride.  I work out every day, eat well, work full time, practice yoga, make all 98% of our meals from scratch (aside from the maybe one or two times we go out to eat every month), and be the best mom I can be to M.  I recently got this cookbook, and I have been way reinspired to make nearly everything homemade, from scratch.  Over the weekend, among normal meals, I made granola, 2 loaves of bread, pasta dough into ravioli (enough for 2 meals), breadcrumbs, lots of vegetable purees for secretly nutritional things (although M loves her veggies- she eats peas and green beans before anything else on her plate!), and this morning I made pie dough for my own toaster pastries, i.e. pop tarts.  It feels awesome!! 

I knew I was towards the end of my cycle, and this weekend I found myself thinking back to the first few months with M when I was a cooking mess- nothing was ready on time, much less at the same time as any other part of the meal, and I just could not get it together.  (I know, I've retroactively cut myself some slack, but I felt like such a huge failure at the time.)  But as I've been preparing all of these awesome things from my own kitchen, I was thinking, what if I'm pregnant?  Will I be able to keep this up when the new baby comes?

Which is just hilarious, as the CVS clerk can attest to the 2 huge boxes of pads I bought this morning.  Hahahahaha!

And then last night I started spotting, and I just thought to myself, well duh.  Why were you even hoping?

This morning I have been going back and forth all over the place.  One minute I am just so disappointed (although to be honest, our timing stunk last cycle, so it was a crazy long shot), and the other minute, I am so grateful that I can give M my undivided attention and love.  One minute, I am so jealous of people who get pregnant easily, and the other minute, I am beating myself up because how dare I complain- I have been blessed with M (and also because technically, we got pregnant with her "easily", in that we were on no meds and doing nothing except normal babymaking)!!!

It's a weird thing.  I apologize if this is hurtful for those of you with empty arms; if it seems insensitive that I'm complaining about CD1 even though we have M. We are so, so grateful for her, and she is 100% filled the hole in our family.  When it comes down to it, we are completely happy if God's plan for our family is the three of us.

But how long do I let myself wonder if our family will ever be any bigger?

On the other side

I called my friend a few days ago and left her a message.  It went something like this: "Hi, just calling to say hi.  I hope y'all are doing well down there, and I'd love to catch up sometime.  I really appreciate the gifts you sent for M's birthday; I hope you got my note.  I know it's been a while since we talked, and I have to confess that I'm a little worried that it's getting difficult for you to keep in touch.  I definitely don't want to leave you out of things, because I know we always talked about how neither of us wanted to be left out of our mom friends' lives, but I don't want to add to any hurt or ache you are feeling.  Please let me know how I can the best friend to you right now."

Good?  I haven't heard anything back from her...

I feel very unprepared for the situation I find myself in.  When I was in her place and dealing with my college friends who left me completely out, I hated hated hated it.  By some craziness, I wanted them to still send me pictures of their smiling kids, even if it stung me.  And that is what my friend and I had always agreed upon.  But that sounds so backwards to write.  Did I really want them to send me pictures of their kids who they flaunted around so presumptiously?  (Granted, I like to think I am very careful about not flaunting Maryanne around like some sort of prize.)


And then here I am, wondering if we'll ever be blessed with another baby, so in some ways I am back to feeling "Happy for {whoever}, but bummed for me." Which is also backwards because our family now includes Maryanne, who filled the HUGE hole in our hearts and our family, and who has fulfilled all our longings to share our love with a child.  So how can I be bummed?  No possible way!  But I find myself reading infertile blogs who had no issues conceiving #2 and thinking, "MAN, she is so freakin lucky.  I wish it would be so easy for us."

So I'm a little turned around about all this, but most of all, my heart aches for my friend.  Christmas is so difficult with empty arms, and I just pray that she and her hubby will be blessed with a miracle baby just like I was.

Grieving being mamas together

What?  You thought I'd never post again?  Well I thought I'd return with a head splitting deep thought whammy....

As you all know, my sister is pregnant.  Without trying and/or unplanned, however you choose to categorize it.  She is now in her 17th week, and has not told any of our extended family.  At first, they said they were going to wait until 13 weeks (don't get me started; I know the risk of miscarriage goes down, but hello, it's not like making it to 13w guarantees you a baby on your due date- there are tons of heartbreaking late loss mamas to testify to this...), but they have continued to drag their feet and keep this amazing news stuffed away.  They would like the world to believe they are a fancy, worldly, cultured couple whose lives are filled to the brim with amazingly exciting things all the time.  So they do alot of traveling and entertaining, and yes their weekends are chock full of activities, and maybe I am super lame, but it seems simply exhausting to me and with the bulk of "look what we're doing", the vibe is starting to seem fairly for-the-sake-of-showing-off.  But, my point is that when I ask her when they are going to tell people, she starts making excuses: "well not this weekend, we are throwing a party for X", "well not this week because I'm travelling for work", and on and on.  I think it is fairly sad that they can't take a half hour out of their super amazing lives to share the news of their baby with their family, for pete's sake.

She was not "excited" in the beginning.  Everyone told me to give her time- that she would warm up to the idea.  So here we are, months later, and she may have warmed up 0.5 degrees, if I'm generous. 

I have asked her no less than 25 times if she wants to go maternity clothes shopping, and she keeps telling me that she doesn't need clothes yet.  I reminded her that last year when I went in April, I bought stuff that was too big for me until August or September.  She keeps saying she doesn't need the clothes.  OMG!  How can she not want to go shopping for maternity clothes?!  I know she doesn't need them yet, but throw me a bone girl, just go try some on for this summer! 

I keep asking her what sort of prep they are doing for the baby.  Her answer?  They are planning on tiling their kitchen backsplash, tiling their bathroom floor, and installing a fan above their shower.  Oh wait, did you miss the baby things?  So did I.  Okay fine, maybe they are "nesting" but let's not forget the whole POINT of nesting which is to get ready for the BABY.  They are not, for example, fixing up the baby's room.  The closest thing they have come to even getting near the baby's room is "looking through some files" in there. 

So, to all who told me that she would warm up and that this would be so fun for us to be able to share pregnancy and baby talk, I give up.  I thought I was over this, but I don't think I am.  I am seriously grieving swapping baby advice and experiences, but most of all, I think I am grieving (in advance) of being moms together.  One of my favorite bloggers just found out her sister is pregnant, and she did the cutest post about it.  I about cried when I considered how different my relationship with my sister is (and realistically, will be).  She does not call me to ask what I thought about whatever baby product, or if I want to come help her clean out the baby's closet, and I do not think she will call me to ask about breastfeeding advice or sleeping trouble or any other thing about their baby.  She will not call me to see if we want to plan activities for the kids together- it will always be their family apart from ours.  (I know in theory our kids will be a year apart, but I don't think the kids will see each other more than I saw my cousins who lived several states away.  They don't involve us in their life now, and I can't tease myself anymore that it will change once they have a baby.)  It is really breaking my heart.

Full disclosure:  I hope their baby is a boy.  I don't want to have to share Maryanne's precious stuff with someone who could care less.  I am already grieving being moms together, much less being moms of girls together.

Our other sister and I are supposed to throw her shower in August.  At this point, I honestly do not know how I am going to do it.  How do you throw a shower for someone who would rather not celebrate their pregnancy, when the whole point of a shower is to celebrate the pregnancy!??!  Don't even waste your breath telling me that by THEN she will be really happy about it. 

I keep telling myself to just not ask her questions, to just let her humdrum along like she is apparently content to do.  I have tried.  But I can't.  I still call her and ask her about her baby, knowing I will hang up feeling hurt and disappointed and ostracized. 

Maybe this is how the fertile world is.  It was no big deal to get pregnant, so it is no big deal to be pregnant.  I think that is really shameful.  They can get all hyped up about all kinds of other things, but when it comes to the getting stoked about the baby that they are carrying, they just blow it off: no biggie, whatever.  It literally makes me want to cry.

As much as I'm grieving, I'm also very thankful that God is merciful.  I honestly do not think I could have survived her apathy if we hadn't had been blessed with Maryanne already.  We are so grateful for her, and just as we have done since the second the pee stick dried, we will continue to emphatically and excitedly rejoice in her presence and the fact we get to be her parents.

Wrestling

There's alot on my mind lately, and I wish there was an extra hour in the day for me to come and write it all out.

• My sister, who I just mentioned in my last post about wanting to have a baby, is 9 weeks pregnant. Of course they "weren't trying but not preventing" and whadya know, a BFP fell into their laps. Because it happened so fast, they were not excited AT ALL when they told us (about 2 weeks ago). All they could say is that they were "shocked". It hurt. ALOT. I cried several times. Not that they got pregnant easily (because nearly the entire rest of the planet except for our precious IF buddies has no issue getting two lines on a pee stick), but that they did not go crazy with excitement over the gift that they didn't even have to try to get. Didn't they remember what we went through? How could they not be screaming with glee from the mountaintops!??!?!
• I know there are alot of people who have less than happy reactions to a positive pregnancy test and an unplanned/surprise baby. Hello, I was a counselor at a pregnancy center. But I never thought my sister would have that reaction. I think that is what made (makes) it hurt so much.
• I am really excited that Maryanne will have a cousin so close to her age (my sister is due on Maryanne's birthday). I hope that my sister and her hubby will come hang out with me and Mr. A more, now that we will have two little ones to play together.
• My sister seems to be warming up to the idea of having a baby. Finally. Still not the gut-busting joy I was looking for, but I guess not all of us can be as mind-boggling ecstatic as we were to get our positive test...
  
• I also need an extra hour to pour my heart out to Maryanne in the journal I bought for me/us to write in for (to) her. I want to make sure she knows how much we cherish her, so maybe when she is 15 and wants to wear God knows what outfit to the school dance with some loser and we say no to both things, she won't hate us as much. HA!
  
• With all this pregnancy talk, I am having flashbacks of being pregnant. No way around it, I 100% LOVED being pregnant. The whole bit, from start to finish, all discomforts included. I would love to be pregnant again, and when I started craving protein in a major way a few days ago, Mr. A wondered if maybe I was pregnant again. I haven't even had a period yet, but supposedly "it happens". I can't believe that would ever happen to us, given our history of not conceiving easily, but what the heck, I did a HPT today, and OF COURSE it was negative. DUH. What did I let myself think?
• I know having two kids so close together would be a ton of work. Mr. A, I have found out, is an awesome "infant" dad, but is not a very natural "newborn" dad. He is so good with Maryanne now that she is more interactive. I am so thankful!!! So maybe if we were to have another baby, it wouldn't be that much work because he could play with Maryanne while I hang out with the new baby?
• Let's review my ttc history. Why am I even thinking of another baby as if it is up to me, like the rest of the fertile world? What on earth makes me think that God would bless us again, after answering such an enormous prayer once before?
• I have said many times that Maryanne has filled the hole in our hearts. Is it hypocritical of me to say "but I'd love another baby"? I truly would be completely happy if she is our only baby ever, "but" it would be so awesome for her to have a sibling. I have started praying that God would allow us to conceive another healthy baby so that she could have a brother or sister. Is that greedy? How dare I pray for another when she is just 5 months old? Does that mean subconsciously I wouldn't be completely happy if she is our only baby? I hope not, because she is the light of our lives. We feel so grateful and lucky that we get to be her parents, and there is nothing that makes us happier than to see her smile from ear to ear at us.
• On the other hand, our time with Maryanne is so precious, and we love being able to see her so much (with both of us working from home and being here with the nanny). I was so lucky to have a healthy and happy pregnancy before- if I got pregnant and I had worse morning sickness, etc., I know I would miss having fun with my baby girl. I should probably thank my lucky stars that I had such a smooth pregnancy and delivery, and that Maryanne is such a good baby...and not assume that a) I'll ever be pregnant again, and b) that it would go as awesomely as before.
• Sweet little Maryanne is an awful napper. (Although she just started sleeping all night this past week- yay- so proud of her!) How am I ever going to start exercising on a regular basis? I have no idea when working moms exercise. 4am? I tried to get up at 5am to do yoga, but it just wouldn't happen. I am back to pre-pregnancy weight (maybe a little under, I don't know- we don't have a scale- but some of my clothes fit looser these days), but I'd love to lose a few extra pounds still.

One thing I am thankfully not wrestling with is dinners. I have, at long last, gotten back to pre-Maryanne cooking, and Mr. A and I (especially Mr. A) couldn't be happier. It feels so good to make real dinners again. I made enchiladas tonight. Or really, I made a double batch this afternoon while Mr. A was flying, and so I just had to pop the dish in the oven for 20 minutes when we were ready to eat, and I have a dish ready to take to a friend whose baby was born in January. YAY. I can't say it enough- it feels awesome to be cooking normally again :) :) :)

Infertility Sucks

My heart has been kind of heavy lately about infertility. I don't know if this seems two-faced of me to say, given the baby girl we've been blessed with, but except for the few people who seem to have amnesia about how much they struggled, once an infertile, always an infertile.

It just sucks how hard it is for us to become pregnant, and meanwhile there are naive, oblivious, fertile people who boldly announce when they're going to begin trying for another baby so that he/she can be born in whatever month they fancy. I would never dream of making such a proclamation. I mean how is it even possible that these people get things to work out so perfectly?

There are people who are on my WTE board who are already pregnant again. Granted, I haven't even had a period yet, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever conceive again. I absolutely loved being pregnant and giving birth- will I get to experience it another time? Far be it from me to say things like "when we have another" or other crazy things of that nature.

My next sister has been wanting to have a baby for a while, and while I suspect her husband is not totally on board, I imagine they might start trying sometime soon. I would love for her to let me in on when they start, so I can cheer her on especially when she's disappointed, but she is a pretty private person, and I don't know if she will tell me. And then of course there is the reality that most of the world's population doesn't have any disappointment associated with trying for a baby- there is just the one missed period and the following obviously positive test. I have said it many times before: I would never wish infertility on anyone. But will I feel any kind of infertile yuckiness if they hit a home run the first time they come up to bat?

It's just amazing to me that these things still run through my head, even as our daughter is here. But they do, and I doubt they will ever stop. Infertility just seeps so deep that you can't ever get rid of it, I don't think.

Fertile Assumptions

If you are a regular reader, you may remember my "friend" from college who told everyone else except me that she was pregnant. You can re-live the awfulness here and here.

She has a blog, and while I don't read it very often, I check it maybe every few months... for no real reason really, but just because it is sadly entertaining (sometimes) to read how the naive and fertile population exists.

Anyway, I happened to check it this afternoon, and I discovered that she and her hubby and daughter (who is I guess almost a year old now?) recently went to the animal shelter to adopt a dog. The woman whom they met there suggested that maybe they should wait a little while to get a dog because their daughter is still so little and it would be alot to handle.

(Which I pretty much agree with the shelter woman- it is alot of work to incorporate a new dog into your household, and there is no way I would do it with a baby. Sure, we have two dogs, but they were well-established before Maryanne arrived, and they have done absolutely amazing at incorporating HER into their lives!)

But anyway, here is where the fertile mindset just assaults infertility. She wrote that she told the woman (in a fairly snappy tone, I imagine) that if they waited a little while for their daughter/child to be older, they would never get a dog, because their daughter isn't going to be their only kid.

WELL, EXCUUUUUUSE ME.

Since when does she have a crystal ball of reproduction/family building?

I guess I can't really blame her for being so presumptious, given her lack of experience with infertility. But it just sucks. If there is one thing that infertility rams into your head is that you have ZERO control over how your family expands. How dare you assume that children will come into your life when you think or want them to? (Of course we all know that for fertile people, children do come into their lives relatively when they want them to, which is just a cruel joke on the rest of us.)

I have a whole other post rattling around in my head about becoming pregnant again (I'm not, just in general). Bottom line, I'd love to have more children... I always said that I wanted three. But far be it for me to just assume that since we got pregnant with no help one time, that it will ever happen again. I actually assume the opposite- that Maryanne was just a miraculous fluke and that we will have trouble again whenever we decide we're up for trying again. And really, "trying" for us in the future will probably be way "less" than we did before. Maryanne is a huge answered prayer, and while we would totally welcome more children, she has filled the gaping hole in our hearts. Any more kiddos would just be huge bonuses- nothing we expect.

I have always said that I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, and that is still true, but I wish there was a way to make fertile people truly grateful for their fertility and see it as the phenominal GIFT that it is, and not have them all take it for granted in the huge way that they all do.

Are you miserable?

Mr. A wanted to know last night. He said that all his coworkers keep asking him if I'm miserable, and when he says no, they tell him that that's crazy- I am miserable.

I think that is crazy talk.

I honestly don't know what to say to women who say they are miserable at the end of their pregnancy. Or the ones that whine that they want their body back. I just don't even know what they're thinking.

Okay fine, when I get up to pee in the middle of the night, my lower back really hurts and there is a ton of pelvic pressure, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl hanging out just where she is supposed to be right now, fully engaged and ready to meet us!

Okay fine, my belly has gotten pretty huge, and I have to chuckle that when I'm doing dishes I have to stand farther back from the sink to make room for it, but is this misery? No! That is baby girl growing just like she's supposed to!

For every symptom-related complaint I've ever heard about the end of pregnancy, I can't think of any response that doesn't come back to the fact that pregnancy is such a huge blessing, and women who complain about it (without the disclaimer that they know that it will all be worth it to have a healthy baby) have no idea how many other women would give their right arm to feel the same way. There are fertility clinics full of patients who are paying $20k a pop out of pocket for a chance to pee 3 times a night or have heartburn all the time.

So to the women who selfishly wail about being miserable at the end of pregnancy or write up eviction notices for their growing babies, I say how dare you. How dare you complain about the miracle of new life and all that it takes to create such a thing, and how dare you complain that your baby is still healthy and growing inside when so many moms go through miscarriage and infant loss?

And in other non-miserable news, my appointment this morning went great :) Blood pressure was 128/78, total weight gain is 26lbs (eh), but they are happy with that, her heartbeat was 143, she is at 0 station, I'm 2cm dilated, and 70% effaced. Midwife is really pleased with how my body is getting ready- we made an appointment for an NST and other post-due monitoring for next Wednesday (10/12), but she said she will be surprised if Maryanne isn't here by then. YAY!

Acupuncture at 1pm today to see if that will further help my body get ready! So excited!!!

F is for Fertile Friend

So I was really proud of myself: At our last childbirth prep class last week, I asked two of the girls who we'd sat next to the whole month (with their hubbies) if they wanted to exchange emails.

I hemmed and hawed on my reason for getting their information, because let's face it, saying "I really don't have any other friends because up until now we had nothing in common with the rest of the fertile late-20-early-30-something couples" was not really going to make me look very exciting.

But I am actually a pretty outgoing person at heart, so I knew I could come up with something. After much thought, I finally remembered how I'd told them about my yoga studio, and how they offer postpartum classes (mom and baby) at 6 weeks. So, when I asked them, I said, maybe it would be fun to keep in touch and maybe we could all go to yoga with our yogi's sometime.

Luckily, they took the bait! Haha ;-) I think it is funny (sad?) that somewhere deep inside, my opinion of my friendship-worthiness has degraded to the point where I feel like I need to market myself or come up with excuses on why people might want to be my friend. Need to work on that I think...

ANYWAY.

So I emailed them a few days after our last class (had to wait just enough time so as not to look desperate, of course), and much to my delight, we are now emailing back and forth and trying to plan getting together for dinner sometime next week! I am so excited that I actually might have just made myself some new friends in our area. Especially ones we seem to have some general things in common with: similar ages, similar family situations (all of us are 8-9 months pregnant with our first baby), and it seems like we are all on the "young professional" side of things.

All was going fine and good until one of them included the lines "I can't wait to have my body back....not pee three times a night.... get back into running....sleep without the big belly.....". I did a double take, given that I had just talked about my befuddlement of her first phrase in my last post. I just shook my head, until the other girl emailed back that she could totally relate- she saw a guest on today's morning show who had jeans, and a shirt tucked in with a belt, and she was JEALOUS!

Oh, sweet mercy.

Can I be friends with fertiles?!

I actually did have my first noticeably uncomfortable night of sleep last night- just a backache- (I don't count peeing as making me uncomfortable), but I still would not trade it for anything or wish away my pregnancy because of it. I think it is amazing and awesome that our bodies change so much to carry a baby, and if that comes with some aches and pains, so be it. I will gladly embrace all and any discomforts for the chance to be a mom. Without hesitation or whining or complaining. End of story! We are experiencing a miracle here, people!!

(ETA: I'm totally going to give them a pass and pursue the friendships! It was just one of those things that makes you sigh and go "hmph", you know?)

Ouch

"But for the child-free, the benefits go beyond dollars and cents. There's less guilt, less worry, less responsibility, more sleep, more free time, more disposable income, no awkward conversations about Teen Mom, no forced relationships with people just because your kids like their kids, no chauffeuring other people's kids in your minivan to soccer games you find less appealing than televised chess."

Read the whole article here on yahoo today. Hard to fathom that couples willingly make the choice to remain childless- based on such materialistic ideals so that they won't be bothered with difficult conversations or lack of fancy vacations- while there is an entire portion of the population who willingly spend the amount of an extravagant vacation for even a chance at conceiving a precious child, or way more than an extravagant vacation for a chance to adopt their child.

This article just hurts to read.

(For what it's worth, I do believe in living within your means, and of course raising a child does cost money, but I don't think that's the point of the article at all.)