catching up (updated)

i am still here!

let's just start with what's on my mind: we had sex monday night and last night i had one wipe of light brown. an hour later (because you know i couldn't sleep), it was back to nothing, and it still nothing this morning.

but seriously, commence freak out.

in my head, i know that this type of thing after sex is very common, but i would give my left arm to be able to confirm that things are still okay with our little one. but because it is so common, i feel a little silly calling my midwife about it, especially since i already have my previously-scheduled 12w3d appointment next friday. would they really just let me run in, and hopefully they could just run the doppler of my stomach, find the heartbeat, and then let me go? that would be awesome, but i would bet more strongly that they would just tell me that unless it picks up/turns red, it will be fine.

which of course is little consolation to someone who is pregnant after infertility.

i still have other symptoms, so i am not entirely worried, but i honestly dont even know how i slept a wink last night.

it doesnt help that yesterday i was blessed with the most awful gas pains i have ever had and nothing i did the entire day would help! i was praying the whole day that i was "feeling" the pains correctly to be gas, and not that something was wrong with our little one. i finally read my "what to expect" book that suggested hot lemon water, and that worked like a charm!!! wow, sweet relief. but, any kind of abdomen pain is a catastrophe for a pregnant after infertility-er (i'm just going to coin a new acrynoym for that: PAI).

being PAI is still surreal most of the time. i can't believe it is me who is 11w1d today. i can't believe that this baby is here without any intervention or medicine. i can't believe it's me who is going maternity shopping with my aunt and cousin in a few weeks.

just 3 months ago, we were watching embryo adoption educational videos. we were preparing to save the whole year to be able to have another shot at a child.

in July last year, i was reflecting on the fact that we had decided against further treatments/procedures for the indefinite future. i thought everyone would move on to PAI except us.

but here i am, gratefully pregnant for another sunrise. i am so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby.

i will keep you posted if i call my midwife. i so appreciate all your prayers for us and for our little one!!

update! i called my midwife and her nurse called me back- nothing to worry about especially since it has stopped and there was no cramping. of course, if it turns red.... ;-)

Yup

Thanks for all your encouraging comments on my post yesterday! It is good to know that we weren't off base being floored by the quoted homestudy cost.

Because of all your helpful suggestions, I did email the agency and ask if we had to use their satellite office here to do the homestudy. They said if we want to be a part of their program, then yes indeedy, we have to use them. (And I did listen to the fateful message from Monday afternoon, and unless I am again hallucinating, she says very clearly that the cost is $5k. Crazy!) If we want to just sign up with their most preferred clinic (in TN), then the homestudy can be with whomever we want.

Well, if we are just going to sign up with a clinic, we'll sign up with the one 45 minutes from here, not 5 hours from here, thankyouverymuch. Not to mention, our clinic doesn't require a homestudy at all.

And last night, while chowing down on homemade enchiladas from this cookbook, we talked about other stuff, like if we have enough wood left for the rest of the winter (crap, we don't think so) and how the dogs were good pups yesterday (no one tried to eat anything contraband) and how we think it is funny that our financial advisor's annual meeting is at the Golden Corral (HA!!!) and what is going on with our jobs.

But I think here is my suggestion to us: I will go and get established at the clinic close to here and put our names up for any embies that become donated. (My RE and this clinic share the same lab, so they already have access to my file, so I'm hoping the "establishment" will be fairly seamless.) In the meantime, we will begin saving for a potentially big family-expanding bill. If there are embryos that come up for donation, we can decide whether or not to adopt them at that point. If it comes to the time where we have enough saved for the shared risk IVF, then we will go with that. Of course, we will still enter into IVF with the utmost respect for any life that God decides to create during the cycle.

I reserve the right to change my opinion at any time ;-)

Yoga this morning and acupuncture this afternoon- should be a good day!

All turned around

Just when I thought we were seriously going in one direction, we are all turned around again.

We wanted to do embryo donation / adoption through a well-known well-reviewed national agency. However, they charge $4k to be in their program, and that doesn't include any costs associated with the actual transfer (medical or medicines), or any charges that the donor couple would like reimbursed. They also require a homestudy. Maybe I am naive (and to be sure, I had never inquired as to the cost), but I though the homestudy would be maybe $1500.

So, without the homestudy, we are up to at least $8500, not including meds or reimbursment costs.

Enter the homestudy cost. Take a guess what it is.

FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Okay, maybe you aren't surprised, but it knocked the wind out of us. We had already scheduled an appt for Mr. A at a family practice to get his medical approval form filled out, and I had called my RE to get our infectious disease testing results sent to me. After we had already watched the preliminary info materials for this agency, all of a sudden, this embryo adoption is going to cost us around $15k.

We were upset. We felt gilted, nickeled-and-dimed. They should be more upfront with even average homestudy costs. And all of a sudden, we were throwing ideas around such as "why dont we just save an extra $5k and do the IVF three tries money back program ($20k)?"

Which of course, is something I never ever ever thought we'd ever do, and especially not this year. Not because I'm opposed to the money back program (I think it's great, actually, and if we decide to go that route, I pray I am accepted!), but because like I've said before, in a crazy way, I had really looked to 2011 as a med-free intervention-free infertility-accepting year.

I am still interested in embie adoption, but with the success rates of FET's around 30%, and the success rates of fresh cycles around 50%, Mr. A (mister logical) feels like it would be a smarter use of whatever we save for this to just do another fresh cycle, if an embryo donation / adoption is going to cost us nearly twice of what a single fresh cycle would be.

I know you don't have to use an agency with embryo donation / adoption. We have not taken it off the table. But it is so disappointing to be here after feeling like it was the direction to go just a few days ago.

Maybe some people would tell me to not worry about the cost, but we can't deny that part of us. It is just who we are to be careful about our finances and not overextend ourselves if we don't have the money available. I was thinking we could save enough by the end of this year to really (actively) pursue embryo adoption, but now I don't think we can, and if we are going to have to save up $15k, I sort of agree with Mr. A about just saving some more and trying to get into the money back program and try to have a biological child.

I think another part of why I'm still interested in embryo adoption is that it feels safer for me. I know my lining has always been good. But it's the stimming that perhaps I'm not so good at, and if we try IVF again, I'm afraid of failing. I know we would get our money back, but I just don't know if I'm ready to set myself up for that again. Of course this is all moot, because we don't have the money saved up yet (unless we pull from our savings, which I doubt is going to happen). And I know that embryo donation / adoption is not without its pressures, either....

So anyway, here we are, with our vision of how to expand our family as clear as mud. I wish that we were one of those couples who had this clear shift from trying to conceive on their own to whatever path that was going to expand their family, but it's not looking like that is what we have. (Who am I kidding? I wish we were one of those couples who got pregnant on their own!!!) Oh well.

For now, we haven't really talked about it in a couple nights. I think we are both bummed, and I think we both are back to square one- not honestly interested in starting anything else right now and just trying to enjoy each other. Maybe someday we will get a clear kick in the pants!!

Pigs are NOT flying

But I am again having mid-morning yuck (although it is admittedly better than yesterday's). I think it must be the juice (peach mango v8 fusion instead of pomegranate blueberry v8 fusion) to wash down the royal jelly.

It is kind of sad. I think Mr. A was really thinking that the test would be +. He even asked me this morning when I got out of the bathroom- and he is never conversational in the mornings!!! Alas, history has repeated itself. I think it is just hilarious that I took at test on CD11. HA! I mean, that is just ridiculous!!

It is also weird. Any other cycle, I'd be thinking way forward instead of backwards. As in, it's almost potential ovulation time!! Not, gee I wonder if we are all snuggly if it will hurt the baby! Serious mindbending, I tell you.

Also because (BIG ANNOUNCEMENT HERE), we have decided that we are tentatively interested in pursuing embryo donation (embryo adoption).

WHAT?

Ha! I know, given my swearing off of infertility treatments in 2011, you might have to read that line a few times for it to sink in.

We have certain hesitations and reservations about traditional adoption at this point (although so many are called and blessed by traditional adoption, most recently (hopefully) Waiting for Something Beautiful! go give her a virtual hug and prayer!), but there aren't too many aspects of embryo adoption that we don't have peace with. So, we are looking into it- both at our old lab (to see if they have any donated embryos) and with a national agency. Of course the national agency would be more expensive, but from what I have researched, the wait time can be longer with a specific clinic because they don't have as big of a pool. I don't think there is a reason we can't be on the waiting list at our clinic and apply with the national agency, so that is what we're planning on doing.

It is kind of exciting!

Although we ourselves would have chosen limited fertilization if we had had more eggs (in an effort to not freeze any of our embies), there are almost 500k frozen embies in storage right now in the US. We are praying that if this is how God will expand our family, He will motivate the right couple to decide to donate their embies to us!

But this is why it's sad: Last night when we were going to sleep, we had quite the cutest session of pillow talk we've had in a while. Mr. A goes, you know, I hear that when people turn their attention to adoption, that is when we get pregnant.

Oh dear, sweet Mr. A.

Praying that our resolve to "live well in 2011" continues and our 2011 theme comes true, no matter if our family is any bigger in December or not!