Uncool

(Update from post this morning- see below)

Good (cool) news: Mr. A encouraged me to go to my yoga class and call the repair place on the way. (I was fretting, what if I called, and they said they could only come at 10:30? He said, don't worry about it, just tell them you won't be home till the afternoon. Love that he puts my sanity ahead of all the condiments that may or may not have to be replaced....) AND, it was a great yoga class. The other girl who is also 39 weeks (gah, still can't believe I'M 39 weeks!!) was also there, and we are hoping that we are cuddling our babies by this time next Tuesday morning. AND, after class, we went to this cupcake place and got cupcakes for a treat. So fun :) I am glad that I took Mr. A's advice and went to yoga because....

Bad (uncool) news: The earliest the fridge people can come out is tomorrow between 1-6pm!!! Wow. Definitely thankful we have our chest freezer, and definitely hoping it doesn't crap out, too. Trying to figure out how we can eat at home (without relying on takeout for every meal) because they said depending on the part required, it might be MONDAY before it is fixed. That's right. Like, the day before Maryanne is due. Oh well, trying to roll with the punches here!! (The cupcake that I got after yoga is helping....it is REALLY good!)

But overall, feeling WAY better today and not really annoyed at anything right now. It would be sort of hilarious (in retrospect, I'm sure) if she was born in the next few days and we had a houseful of company with no refrigeration capabilities.

Well this is just great. (Sarcasm)

I had a very annoying day yesterday. Everything was getting under my skin!!! Let's recap, for fun ;-)

1. Instead of going out to greet her doggy friends, now Banana just stands next to me in the front yard and barks at them. Maybe she is ramping up her protection instinct, but it is annoying to have her barking so much all of a sudden.

2. I have suspected for a few days that the fridge is not working properly. Yesterday, it was definitely not cooling like it was supposed to, and I told Mr. A and said I was going to call a repair man. I think he thought I was just being fussy and said he would look at it when he got home. Well by the time he got home, it was barely cold in there (the freezer part seems to work just fine). AND he discovered that the whole fridge is swelling or something, to the point where it is jammed up against the cabinet next to it, so we can't even roll it out to see what's behind it. GREAT. After all the extra food I've gotten and made, and with the new baby coming, and with the throngs of out of town guests waiting with baited breath for when they can come stay with us, our fridge is crapped out. GREAT. We moved all the food from the freezer to the garage freezer, and put all the ice and ice packs in the fridge part, to try to keep it as cool as possible in there until we can get a repair man. So now I'm waiting until 8:30am to call and see if they can come out today before all our food spoils (probably some is already bad).

{3. Because I can't call until 8:30am today, I will probably miss my yoga class this morning :( }

4. Our yard (particularly the bushes and trees and WEEDS) is out of control. I haven't really kept up with it like I usually do (it's not like I haven't been active in other ways during my pregnancy, I guess I've just been busy doing other things), and Mr. A could literally care less about the state of the grass or landscaping, so it has been sorely neglected all summer. The bushes are completely raggedy and the trees need trimming, and the yard needs mowing. I think it looks awful. UGH. Again, right before company comes, wonderful! Our yard looks like crap. (Mr. A doesn't think it looks bad, but again, he could care less about any of that kind of stuff.)

5. Mr. A is just really busy. Between work changes (his company split in two and his half is getting itself situated to be on its own two feet), and his new hobby of flying (taking pilot's lessons), he's been getting home past normal dinnertime most days recently, and it's just getting a little old. Especially with regard to the flying lessons, I haven't really minded that much because it's something he has wanted to do his whole life and he is great at it, and he probably won't be able to spend as much time on it after Maryanne is born, but it would be nice to have dinner together at a normal time again, instead of at 8:30pm or something. And all the extra work hours are just plain annoying.

So you may be able to imagine that I was just not a happy camper last night. Stupid Murphy's Law! Mr. A says I'm just nesting and that is why all this little stuff is getting to me, and maybe so. A few days ago, our house was perfectly in order for this baby and for everyone coming to meet her, and now I feel like it is all in disarray (e.g., my precious freezer stock lists are all wrong now!!!), and messy and jumbled and not prepared. Mr. A thinks for this reason alone, Maryanne will be here very soon. He's probably right!

The reason that God made him for me, though, is that even though he has a ton going on (that is realistically more stressful than a raggedy bush), he reminds me of perspective. Is it really worth fretting over a fridge when we are going to be welcoming the baby we've dreamed of into our family soon? Don't you think people will understand if you haven't been weeding and pruning and tending to the landscaping (most people yes, but I am sure that my gardening-idol Aunt B's flowerbeds did not look like a scene from the jungle book even when she was 39 weeks pregnant with any of her children....)? Aren't you glad we hired a cleaning service to come (this Friday again) so you don't have to worry about cleaning the house right now, too?

So luckily by the time we went to bed, we were chuckling and laughing about all the stuff that is converging upon us right now. We will get through it- and I'm sure everything will be totally fine. Thank God for good husbands :)

TGIF etc

So glad it is Friday!! It will be so nice to sleep in tomorrow!!

Thanks for all the compliments on baby girl's name :) We are so excited to meet her! In the "All things TMI" file, I think I lost at least a portion of my mucus plug last night! Of course tons of people lose it and don't go into labor any time soon, but I was just so excited that it seems like my body is gearing up to have this baby! I might be feeling a tad more crampy today, but I am not sure if that is my mind playing tricks on me or not. It is sort of a throwback to the endless days of the 2ww's...trying to analyze my "symptoms" without going crazy and knowing the whole time that they could all mean nothing.

An update on my friend who had a less-than-glowing reaction to the name- she says that she really does like the name- she just thought it was a joke because she'd just talked to me on Saturday and I was staunchly against sharing the name, so when I emailed her about it on Monday, she just thought I gave up and made something up to appease her. She nevertheless admits it was her fault. I still don't think it was a very thoughtful way to react to someone telling her the name of their child, even if it WAS a joke! Because how are you to know?! Even if I told her that we were naming her something like "Paint-Can", I think it's the friend's job to say something nice, even if they hate it! Haha!!

I have a few things that we really need from the grocery store (BUTTER being numero uno), but it is POURING rain today, and I don't really want to go out. Not like the store isn't just 15 minutes away or anything, and not like I have anything else to do this afternoon. Unbelievably, after having my concentration at work be completely absent from January till July, I have totally buckled down in August and this month, and I am sitting in a great position every day at 1pm when I turn off my computer... lest I don't get to turn it on the next morning!

Yesterday, I had lunch with two girls from my prenatal yoga class, and we sat and ate and talked for just over two hours! It was SO nice, and I really hope I have made some lifelong friends. One is due Oct 1 (just a few days ahead of me), and the other is due Dec 28. We talked about all kinds of things (not just baby stuff), and I am so grateful to have met them. It is nice to have the common bond/interest in how yoga helps us to be the healthiest as possible going into labor and delivery and that kind of carries over into other common things like prioritizing healthy/whole eating and active hobbies and things like that. But it is also nice because we all come from different backgrounds, so it was really neat to find out a little more about our histories and families!

Well I think I will do my best to get myself motivated to run to the store. I don't want to put it off too much longer, and the thought of not having any butter in the house is kind of scary ;-)

Relief

37 weeks tomorrow, folks. Holy camoley.

We are so excited that it is getting to the point where M could come at any time!! The last few days have had several overwhelming there-is-so-much-to-do-before-then moments, though. Those aren't so fun. But Mr. A and I are a good enough team that even if things get a little tense, we just chock it up to the immediacy of the situation, and move on. We are not the most lovey-dovey-PDA couple on the planet, but we are an AMAZING team, and if there is something we need to accomplish together, you better believe we're going to knock it out of the park.

After my last midwife appointment with the high blood pressure issue, I was kind of nervous about this morning's checkup. Especially since, like I said, there were a few times this weekend when I was not exactly calm or collected.

But I practiced some yoga for just about 15 minutes before I got ready to go. Because the midwife last time had indicated that I should be prepared to go to the hospital if any of my subsequent appointments revealed a situation which warranted going, I printed out the dog documents for people who are helping us with the pups when it comes time to meet M, and I printed out the kitchen info sheet that has all our freezer stock lists and favorite recipes and what all freezer meals are going to be available for eating. (Yes, I'm type-A. I'm going to do a post on the meal situation soon!) I got my hospital bag, and said bye to the pups. Who knew when I'd be home again!

Mr. A met me at the office. It was so nice for him to come with me this time (he couldn't make it last time). We talked about how excited he is to be almost done with his lessons to get his pilot's license. We talked about buying a little plane for our family (you know, when we win the lotto). I took some more deep blood-pressure-lowering breaths.

They called me back, and much to my surprise, I've actually lost three pounds in the last 10 days. I hear that sometimes that happens before delivery. Yay! There was no protein in their urine screening. AND, my blood pressure was 130/80!!! Absolute best news of the day. My midwife was going to have me re-do the 24-hr urine catch just to make sure nothing was amiss, but she decided against it because the results from the one last weekend were within the normal range, but mostly because my blood pressure went back down, I have no signs of swelling/water retention, and their urine sample was free of protein. YAY.

I am so relieved, it's hard to describe. I am totally ready to meet M, but I want her to be good and ready and healthy when she comes!! Tomorrow I will be full term, but I'm okay if she bakes another week or two. Just so she decides to come before someone makes her...

And, even though my midwife said that she is very pleased with the blood pressure decrease, she still wants me to take it easy. So I got a note from her that I need to work half days. Since apparently my office is going to treat me like I'm in third grade, I was very excited to get my "hall pass" and you better believe I've already emailed it to my boss and updated my voicemail and email signature and calendar to reflect my reduced-hour schedule.

So, after 1pm, you will find me catching up with friends, cooking meals for when M is here and we want something quick, or watching the afternoon lineup of fo.od network. Better get the lazy days out of the way before there is a baby in my arms!! After all the angst of the last week or so, today is a very very welcomed breath of fresh air.

My thoughts: 35 weeks

I was going to write this cutesy bullet post about all the funny things I have been thinking and experiencing lately, but I just can't get in the mood to finish it that way.

In short, and I know I have been saying this all along, but I really can't believe this is happening. After all we went through that failed, here we are at 35 weeks with a healthy baby girl all curled up in my belly who got there the old fashioned way.

It has always killed me to hear women who've struggled with infertility say "I can't wait to have my body back" or "Won't it be great to sleep on my back again" or other insignificant luxuries that pale in comparison to the gift they have been given. Like really, you miss your pre-pregnancy body so much that you would rather have the beautiful miracle you've been blessed with be over? Do you remember how much you prayed to become pregnant?? How can you be so "done" with something you heart longed for?? I'll just go ahead and say it: I'd like to be pregnant for the next 15 years ;-) Ha!

So here are some things I am loving right now:
*Baby girl waking up at 1am (and 4am, haha) with me when I have to pee, and how she keeps moving after I lay back down. I just lay there and drink it all in. Sure, she keeps me up, but feeling her squirm is so precious and something I dreamed about for so long....
*Belly is getting to be kind of heavy on the underside, and I am hoping that this means she is moving down and getting ready for a beautiful birth
*Continuing to practice prenatal yoga is so neat- I am feeling totally confident that it is helping my body keep in shape and mitigate the symptoms that other people complain about.
*I think I am getting some teeny stretch marks on the underside of the belly- and it is so cute! Hahaha :) I am like wow, belly is really growing now!!
*Cottage cheese :) Did you know it is a great source of protein? :)

Last night at the end of dinner, baby girl was moving up a storm, and my belly was, too. It was so cute for Mr. A to be able to see it- you should have seen the smile on his face. He hasn't been very touchy-feely with the belly, but I know that he is totally in love with and in awe of this little person inside.

The way I am approaching preparing for labor and delivery is the same way I approached training for both of my marathons: physical and mental preparation. There isn't much you can do to exactly prepare (it's not like you can do practice labors like you can go out and run for 4 hours in preparation for a marathon!), but I feel like prenatal yoga has equipped me with many many tools to use to ease the intensity of contractions, and the concepts that we've learned from the Bradley method will also help I think.

The one thing that crossed my mind this morning when I woke up and could have gone back to sleep for 2 hours was how to make sure I am rested enough! For my marathons, I made sure I got enough rest leading up to the race, but guess what, I don't know when the date of this baby marathon will be!! I have been getting at least 8 hours of sleep per night, but I think I am going to try to increase that little by little. I cannot be tired when the time comes!!

This post feels kind of disjointed, but it's the best I can do for now! We are so excited to meet our baby :) 35 days till she is due!

Bee Bop

Well, baby girl was working out or dancing or something this morning! Her heartrate was in the 160's! My appointment time was 11:15, and I didn't get called back until almost a half hour later, and I could feel her squirming around the whole time. That feeling will never get old, that is for sure.

I was kind of hesitant to hop on the scale this time, but I was pleasantly surprised- no weight gain in the last 3 weeks! Yay!! I have changed my diet some to generally follow some glucose intolerance suggestions (since I failed both the 1-hr glucose test and the 1-hr draw of the 3-hr test), so maybe I have been eating slightly less and/or more balanced meals. Either way, I am happy to be at +19lbs at 33w3d. I do feel like my belly has grown, though, so it would seem that baby girl is still getting what she needs!

When the tech checked my blood pressure it was 146/82 (gulp). I knew that was highish, but she didn't say anything about it. She took the hospital pre-registration form that I'd brought with me- holy moley, are we really pre-registered in the birthing suite?!?!?!

My belly measures exactly on target, and baby girl is head down and pretty low, so midwife thinks she will probably be head down for the duration. So happy about this! We do some deep squats in yoga that really encourage babies to move down, and so you aren't really supposed to do them if the baby is breech. So I was very interested to confirm that she is head down- I thought she might be, but it was nice to hear it this morning.

Like I mentioned above, she was moving all around so her heartrate was up, but it didn't seem like the midwife thought that was a problem of any kind. I am sure that baby girl will take a nice long nap later on and then I will want her to be moving around again!!

My midwife said she wanted to recheck my blood pressure, so I laid on my side.... 122/68! Such a relief!

I have another appointment in 2 weeks, and then I start going every WEEK. That is just unbelievable. I am so grateful to be here- I have loved being pregnant, and as much as I want to meet our baby, I can't wait to be pregnant again! Haha :)

And I just have to say that I love our dogs. There is some random guy doing door-to-door sales right now in our neighborhood (I saw his car yesterday, and it peaked my interest because the county on the license plate is from my hometown, like a 9 hour drive from here....weeeeeeeeeird), and they just went crazy (inside) when he came to our door. Of course I went and looked out the window on the side of the door and waved him away (while they were both barking and jumping and standing on their hind legs- there is no doubt that there are dogs here who will stand up for their fort!); I had to get a look at him so I can describe him to police....because of course those people always creep me out- and to add insult to injury, I caught him glancing in my car windows on his way down our driveway. Move along, creepo! I have two dogs that would love to defend their pregnant mama and their home turf!

Delight in the little things

I am having a great day- and it is all about the little things that are making me happy:

• The last of baby girl's diapers (5 100% cotton fitted's, 3 100% cotton newborn AIO's (would totally get more, but they are expensive and just for newborns- will likely definitely invest in more one-size AIO's after she is bigger), 2 microfiber pocket's (I am not sure I will like these since they are not 100% cotton, hence the small number of them), and a bunch of cotton flat diapers) are on the line after their second washes- so excited to be prepping them! (My 3-dozen 100% cotton GMD prefolds are already prepped and ready to go!)
  
• Yoga at home this morning, including 4 sets of 2-minute squats :)
• We FINALLY signed up for garbage service!!! You have NO idea how exciting this is for me!!! (Are you thinking, wow, this chic needs to get out more?) Mr. A has been taking our trash to the dump ever since we moved here, but we are getting busier on the weekends, and when he doesn't go for a few weeks, it is more than our cans can hold, so I end up just putting bags next to the cans.... which sometimes Bert gets into, and that is just no a good situation for anyone- dog or human. The service is very inexpensive and includes free recycling!!! YAYYYYYYY!!
  
• Bonus, our fancy new garbage bin from the company was just delivered!! EEeeeee!!
• My teleconference at 10:30 to discuss one of my cases was cancelled- the other two attendees have reviewed the issues and agree with my position and didn't need to talk to me about it! Awesome!

What little things are making you happy today?

Lots (of baby stuff)

I am trying really hard to stay focused at work during the day and not spend all my time reading about baby stuff, doing baby laundry, and wondering how in the heck I went from being sure we would never conceive to doing baby stuff all the time.

But there is alot going on these days.

We bought a doll to try to acclimate our pups to the idea that there will be another human around in a month and a half, and so far they are pretty apathetic unless you make the doll cry and put it right in their face. At which point they just get up and walk away. We've put her in the swing, and turned it on turbo swing (seriously, do babies need six swing speeds?), and blared the obnoxious music that the swing has (again, is music really necessary?), and the dogs just lay there. I know it will be different when our REAL baby is here, but so far we are encouraged by their acceptance of the new stuff we've presented them with.

The doll is pretty close to life-size (18in long- no idea how much she weighs), so we have even put one of our prefolds and covers on her to make sure we aren't going to completely fail at cloth diapering our baby girl. To me (a novice), it looks like at least the doll would be suited up quite nicely with her prefold and cover without any leaks ;-) Hopefully it will be the same for our baby girl.

I've washed all the baby's clothes; hung the 0-3 months dresses and sleepers in her closet, and put her 0-3 months onesies and pants in her dresser. All the blankets, towels, washcloths, and burp cloths have found a place in the nursery, too, and today I just washed and folded all her sheets: crib, pack n' play, and cradle. Tomorrow I plan on washing her mattress cover, and some AIO (all-in-one) diapers that I have yet to prep. Is baby laundry always this fun?

Still on the to-do list is hanging the pictures in her room, setting up the downstairs changing area, figuring out what to put in her diaper bag (do we bring that to the hospital?), and figuring out what to put in our hospital bag (we got a list at our baby prep class- just have to find it). Who am I kidding, I am sure I will think of other things to do... I could spend all day puttering around in her nursery....which is hilarious because with the exception of the bathrooms, it's the smallest room in our house. Do fertile moms do this, too, or is it just because we waited 4 years for this?

Every now and then, I have this urge to write up a manual of our household for when the visitors descend on our house in October. You know, like the ones that the wives write in that show "Wif.e S.wap": e.g., how our house "runs", what kinds of things we eat, how we plan our day, what to buy at the grocery store, how to take care of the dogs, how to not ruin my Calp.halon stainless pots and pans? Maybe even include a section "What to do if you're bored and the baby and I are sleeping or nursing"... And then I chuckle to myself, because I don't know any better example of my type-A personality. But then I rationalize the thought that maybe it would help the nanny that we plan on hiring in February when I return to working (from home) full time. So far, my actual work has prevented me from starting on our manual. But it is definitely being written in the back of my mind...

Prenatal yoga is still going really well. There is another girl who comes to the same class as me who is a few days ahead of me, and I can't believe that we are 33 weeks this week. I mean, it was just yesterday that I was 5 weeks, and 16 weeks, and 20 weeks, wasn't it? It has also been great to meet other expectant moms- I think there are several of us who will keep in touch after our little ones are here. I am really glad to have kept up with exercise while being pregnant :) In our baby prep class at the hospital (where we are also meeting new couple-friends!!....although I sort of feel like an imposter- I never thought I'd be able to identify with young adult couples who are expecting a baby!), we have been "learning" stretches and good postures for laboring and delivering, and they are all things that I have been doing in prenatal yoga since I was 14 weeks, and that helps me feel confident in my desire to have a natural birth! And I'm still walking at least 40 minutes a day- I think some people do a double take when I walk both dogs by myself, but they have been really good lately- even when they see rabbits- I think they know they need to be extra obedient so as not to pull me over!!

We had our maternity pictures taken over the weekend. Our photographer has posted one on her website, and I think she did a great job- I am so excited to see the rest!! I am so glad that we decided to go with her even though at first things were a little unsettled. I think our newborn photos of baby girl will be amazing!! Email me if you want me to send you the link :)

So anyway, I should probably get back to work. I'm hoping to be able to only work half days starting September 12 (I'll be full term on September 13), so I'm trying to make these next few weeks as productive as possible.

I made a commitment to LIVE WELL in 2011, and to live fully and happily no matter what. I never imagined that my life would be wonderfully full of baby things 8 months later; preparing for our baby has brought so much joy already to our home- we can't even imagine how awesome it will be when she is actually in our arms.

{Just so you know: I know this post might/will be really hard for those of you who're still waiting to read, and I added "(of baby stuff)" to the title in case it's just a day where you can't deal with reading a PAIF post. I distinctly remember days when I could not even fathom being able to remotely identify with being pregnant or preparing for a baby, and even though I am going through the preparation motions, it is not lost on me that I thought I'd never do this stuff. My self-imposed PAIF motto comes to mind today and all of these busy days: "When you've been through hell, you tend to appreciate heaven."}

Potential Infertility (once removed)

My other sister (not the mural one) is accompanying her husband on a 4-month educational trip, and they are leaving next Thursday and returning at the end of December. They will be going to countries all over the world, so they have gotten a zillion and one shots to protect them from whatever foreign buggies that might be lurking there.

Some of these shots don't jive with pregnancy, or young children, so while she has wanted to try to have children for at least the last year and a half, they have held off because of this trip. Supposedly, according to her, they will start to try in late fall (on the boat). (I have my reservations about whether her husband is "on board" (get it? ha) with trying for kids on the boat, but if he isn't, it is going to break her heart, so I hope for her sake that he is.) Her hubby has a chronic health condition that has had him on auto-immune and other bigtime meds for his whole life, and I think that knowing that Mr. A and I are both totally healthy and it still took us 4 years to conceive this baby girl makes her nervous about waiting much longer (she will be 29 in October)...

Last year, the fact that they were waiting was comforting to me. You know how it is, sigh of relief that my younger sister wouldn't bear the oldest grandchild. It eased my mind that maybe by some crazy miracle, we'd have a baby before they got back, or at least that I'd be pregnant by then.

Enter crazy miracle.

So I've offered that she could take my fertility monitor and "Yoga for Fertility" DVD with her on the boat trip. Because I know she has wanted to try for a while, I thought for sure she would totally want these things.

But when I asked her about them yesterday, she said she maybe wants the DVD, but not the monitor. (They are "trying to cut down on the amount of things they are bringing". Um, it is the size of a big deoderant... anyway...)

I have to admit that my heart sank a little. Didn't she want to bust onto the TTC field armed with all the tools possible?!

I worry that her husband has convinced her to not really worry about it on the boat, and that she is again having to make excuses for why they can't/won't really try yet. I worry that he has decided he doesn't want kids until sometime further in the future. I worry that they will also have unanticipated issues conceiving, and although I am well-prepared to support her in the trenches, no sister wants to see her other sister go through that.

Of course when they decide to try is totally up to them, a lesson that infertility smashes in your face and makes you learn the hard way- not to judge others' family-expansion time lines. But I know that she wanted to start trying a year and a half ago.

So I guess my monitor will stay put in our bathroom for a little longer.

But really, who am I kidding? Who wants to start the betting pool that they will come home 2 months pregnant?

Feeling better

I really appreciate all your support and comments! After a great yoga class this morning (bourbon girl was absent), I am back to feeling confident that I will continue to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and little girl. Yay!!

My midwife gave me a diet to follow three days prior to my 3-hr test (on Friday morning), so I am following it from now till Thursday. It is kind of counter-intuitive (has you eat at least 7 servings of starch, 4 of fruit, and 2 of dairy per day), because I would think that I wouldn't want any sugars floating around my system before the test, but I guess if you don't eat carbs leading up to the test, your body sort of forgets to process sugars and doesn't make enough of the enzyme necessary to process the drink during the test. I kind of took it easy on carbs/sugars the day before my 1-hr... I wonder if that is why I didn't pass?!

We're getting very excited for my sister to come paint the murals in the baby's room!!! (Check out her etsy page here http://www.etsy.com/shop/brigittemarie - she has some beautiful stuff and does an amazing job with custom paintings, too!) I can't wait to show you pictures of the end result!! I know it is going to be great!

It's going to be a scorcher here today- will definitely be using the pool after work today!

Off the Wagon

I'm feeling a little bit off the wagon this week....

Yesterday I didn't go to my yoga class because we had deadlines at work, and since I had been researching flights to my the northeast instead of catching up on work things Monday evening (yah, we didn't have any 4th plans....), I had some things to finish. When I called my studio, my instructor said "Well just remember that babe doesn't need stress, so remember to breathe!!" I totally meant to do my yoga DVD yesterday afternoon, but I was on the phone with nearly every member of my immediate family at least once and hour, and I was getting ducks in a row at work for the remainder of the week, so that didn't happen...

Today I thought I would do yoga this morning, but Mr. A has just informed me that we may be leaving a full 4 hours before I thought we would be so we can have dinner with his parents tonight before we leave tomorrow AM at the serious crack of dawn. So with having to pack our things and the dogs' things and drop the dogs off at the kennel and inform work that I won't really be "there" today and maybe squeeze a shower in there (ha!), it is shaping up to be pretty hectic.

Maybe I can do some cat/cow poses while the shower is heating up....

My grandma's town is super tiny, and there is only one hotel in the area. After I booked our rooms, I looked online to see if they had a website (amazingly, they do), but they got raked over the coals on tri.padvisor!! Ha!! One reviewer (there were only 3) said it was like the hotel in Ps.ycho! Hahahahahaha. Should be an adventure, for sure!!! I am not expecting to roll up to the lap of luxury in tiny town northeast, USA, but I hope it is comfortable and clean at least.

Something very sweet was that apparently at some point in the funeral there will be a presentation of roses, one "from" each grandchild and great-grandchild. My Grama wanted to make sure that there would be one from our baby girl, incidentally the only great-granddaughter (amidst 5 young great-grandsons). I think there is something deeply moving and significant that my Grama finally "knew" a great-granddaughter before she passed away, with her being such an elegant feminine influence.

Thank you for all your support and advice over the last couple of days! I know I don't know most of you in person, but I really appreciate it :)

Bourbon, yes; Bug Spray, no

HA. Today bourbon girl was back (shoot! pun intended..get it?). When our teacher asked us how we were feeling, bourbon girl launches into her latest lame complaint that mosquitos are attacking her. Oh really? In the summer, outside? No kidding!!! But she says that she doesn't want to use bug spray because she's not sure if it will sink in.

HAAA!!! So, let me get this straight. She is fine with drinking hard alcohol to get her baby to stop moving, but she is a little wary of using a squirt of bug spray. Maybe if she did a little research, she would know that you can buy natural bug repellents that do work!!! Maybe she is too busy doing shots...

She also regaled us with a tale of how she was at a party recently and she had a hot flash and people were telling her how glowing she looked, and she had to correct them that she was just super pregnant and sweaty and feeling gross!

I do not make this stuff up...this girl is for real- straight out of your worst IF/PAIF nightmare!

But yoga this morning was a good class, so I am trying to focus on that. I finally figured out a way so that my shoulders don't tense up during our 2-minute holds of squats- don't brace my arms on my knees! I just let my arms hang down for the 2 minutes, and it is much easier to relax my entire body (except for my legs of course) for the 2-minute time frame. YAY! It was annoying having my shoulders be so tense during squats because instead of focusing on having strong legs, I would be having all my energy locked up in my shoulders! So glad I fixed it :)

I have my glucose test on Friday, and I'm hoping that I pass. My mom had GD with my brother, but she said that her glucose test was the day after Easter (yikes!), so she suspects that it was a false positive....

Hope you're all having a good week so far and steering clear of mosquitoes! ;-)

One more shot (for now)

Update on bourbon girl: She was not in class yesterday (maybe hungover? haha, okay, I know that is harsh...).

But since I arrived first to the studio, I took the opportunity to let my teacher know that it was hard for me to hear her say she drank bourbon to get her baby to stop moving. I shared that after struggling with infertility, feeling our baby move is so amazing and is such an answered prayer, and I just cannot fathom why someone would want to silence their healthy, active baby.

Luckily, not more than a second after I'd said this, she said "I totally agree with you! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say to her."

She went on to tell me that another girl in the class had expressed her concern/shock/disappointment after class, and that she was worried that a first time attendant of our class last week wouldn't be back because of the awkwardness that bourbon girl created (the first time attendant was missing yesterday, too, unfortunately).

At least I wasn't the only one. Seems like bourbon girl is alone in her desire to but the kibosh (sp?) on her wiggly little one. (Our Tuesday morning class is small- there are usually only 2-3 students plus our teacher.)

Our teacher is a licensed clinical social worker whose career is (was? she owns this yoga studio now...) working with foster children and their birthparents who are to be reunited. She said the weirdest part of hearing about bourbon girl's drinking habits was that she is used to working with people whose first inclination is "I don't really feel like giving up (insert destructive habit here) just for my child." Whereas, here is bourbon girl, attending a prenatal yoga class that from all indications and research can help moms be the healthiest people they can be, and that is why 99% of the students enroll in prenatal yoga, and this chick is triumphantly telling us of her habit that she has added to her lifestyle that in many circumstances is a contributing factor to people having their kids taken away from them.

As I noted, bourbon girl wasn't there yesterday, and our teacher isn't sure where "the line" is as far as talking to her about it versus letting her deal with the consequences of her actions.

But suffice it to say that we had an awesome class yesterday. It was me, the teacher, and another gal who is 35 weeks pregnant. We worked hard, had just enough but not too much banter during class, and they were asking me all kinds of questions about our baby shower and giving me awesome advice after class was over. It was the perfect morning- no alcohol needed ;-)

Karma is a you-know-what

{Thank you all for your comments and reflections over the last week about bourbon girl. I hope that you don't think I was a wuss for wanting to ask our teacher to say something to her! I guess my reasoning was that it seems like they have a friendly rapport, so maybe a suggestion or comment from her would be more readily received....as opposed to one from me who has pretty much zero relationship (even acquaintance-wise) with this chick. And, hopefully she won't even be there for any more than a few more weeks, so I don't think it is worth making things awkward or angry during yoga classtime that I've come to really look forward to, because I'm sure nothing I say would change her choices- she just appears to be that sort of person. I will keep you posted if she has anything else mind-blowing to share!}

You will all remember my generally insensitive friends from college, namely the girl who told everyone else she was pregnant except me. Well, ever since April, I have emailed with several of them, but I am through doing the group emails- there are a few of them (I think you can tell who) that clearly do not care about maintaining our friendship. But it turns out that girl #5's dad has been diagnosed with cancer (she was a surprise baby, so her parents are in their 70's), as she shared with us in a blanket email, because apparently she doesn't think that her behavior has affected anyone's desire to give her support.

Seems like the shoe is on the other foot, girl #5.

Do I have any experience with cancer? Do I know the exact right things to say? Do I know what it's like to hear that my DAD has CANCER?

Nope.

Given the events over the last year with her, I completely do not feel like emailing her back. I do not feel close to her, or her friend, or that she cares about me, or that if my dad had cancer that she would give two bleeps.

But what good am I if I return the behavior that caused me so much pain, even if I don't consider her to be my friend anymore?

Having grown up with a very manipulative mother, I am always worried that if I act as the better person, forgiving and forgetting, that people who seem to care only about themselves will never get the picture if people are always nice to them despite their behavior. There is still a part of me that wants to stick it to them and force the consequences of their awful choices in their face. How else are they going to learn?

But it is not up to me to change their heart. That is up to God. In the prayer that Jesus gave us, he encourages us to ask forgiveness from our Father, AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS (Luke 11:2-4). We must forgive others as we want to be forgiven when we make mistakes.

I'm going to email her back. I don't have any delusions that I'm going to get any response from her, and it doesn't change how I feel like we are not really friends anymore. But it's the right thing to do, and that's what I'm choosing today :)

Musings (more bourbon)

It is nice to know I'm not the only one who was more than a little surprised/shocked at Bourbon-girl's choices.

To answer some of your wonderings, basically the other 4 of us in the room all sort of had the same reaction, including the teacher. We were all kind of speechless! (And, no, I don't think she was joking.) Then it was sort of the awkward "laughter" and her trying to dig herself out of the hole she just dug in front of pretty much complete strangers, who are all at the yoga class to try to be the healthiest they can for their baby!! I think everyone was too shocked to really give her any third degree constructive advice that maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

Several times since Tuesday, I have sat down to draft an email to my teacher about my disappointment in this girl's choices. I think it is completely awful that anyone would ever drink to purposefully sedate their unborn baby (as misfit pointed out in the comment section), and I feel like someone should tell her that, and since she seems to have no problem talking to the teacher, in my heart of hearts I thought maybe our teacher could say something to her about it.

But I have never sent the email (yet?). I am not sure that I really expect our teacher to make an issue out of it, even though there is definitely an issue to be made, and I am not sure even if I really expected her to step up to the plate if she would actually do it. Even though I'm sure our teacher didn't think it was a healthy response, is it really her place to confront this girl about it a week after she said it? I am sure the girl would be defensive, and I can't imagine the teacher wanting to create some conflict in the studio...

Would you ask the teacher to say something?

Stop Annoying Me (Have some Bourbon)

For the last 8 weeks or so, I've been taking a prenatal yoga class at a studio in my area. I LOVE IT!!! For the first 4 weeks or so of that time, there was a girl who came to the same class who is about 10 weeks further along than me, and as hard as I tried to be friendly, she never seemed to reciprocate or seem interested in me. It is hard for me, because I'd like to be friends with everyone, but as I've learned the hard way, some people just don't care about being my friend. (However, she talks to our teacher the whole class, which annoys me...)

Then she didn't come for a while, and it was admittedly really nice. The other girls who would come to class are all very friendly and interested and talkative. We had peaceful, quiet, challenging classes, but before and after class we were swapping ideas on where to get maternity workout gear and what our experiences have been so far and how things were going in general.

Well, she was back today, and my impression of her has decreased even further.

At the beginning of the class, our teacher asks us how things are going and if anything in particular is bothering us that we could work on during class. Here is what she had to say:

"Well, this damn kid is moving so much that it is getting annoying! I can't even enjoy a cocktail party anymore without the movement being distracting! I have started drinking some bourbon before I go out just so the baby won't move as much. The worst part is when the baby moves when I lay down to sleep, and my belly is jumping around on the left side!"

Um. I think I literally raised my eyebrows and dropped my jaw and looked away. Did she just say she drinks BOURBON to get her PRECIOUS BABY to STOP MOVING?

Listen missy, I am really sorry that you can't enjoy a stupid cocktail party without feeling the new life within you moving around. And feeling your child squirming around when you are going to bed at night must really delay your sleep by a whole few minutes.

But you have NO idea how many women go to cocktail parties with empty wombs after another cycle has failed. You have NO idea how many women's sleeps are delayed by tears of longing for a child in their belly. And, have you gotten the MEMO that you're not supposed to drink while you're pregnant?

I honestly still can't believe that she complained about this. Fine, if she wants to complain about swollen feet or sciatica or heartburn or whatever, FINE. (I still don't think those are valid in view of the amazing opportunity and blessing that pregnancy is, but whatever.) But I am not going to know what to do if you come in again and complain to me that your child is moving within you.

Because there are women who look forward to the kicks and the squirming as the highlight of their day. I love the days when baby girl is more active, and I get nervous when I haven't felt her as much (like today, really trying not to worry about it...). I can't even fathom complaining that she moves TOO MUCH. It is really beyond my comprehension.

So yoga girl, it's highly uncharacteristic to me to think things like this, but I'm glad you're 35 weeks. I don't know if I can stand more than 5 more weeks of you coming to "my" yoga class!!!

Yoga Class

{I just wanted to note that I hope my post yesterday didn't come off as complaining to complain or being (w)itchy for no reason. The two issues I have concerns with are objective: they bought a dog whose breed is known to not be good with kids, and they are not supportive of our spiritual habits. I think any mom would have concerns about either of those things. I hope that it isn't lost on my readers that we are eternally grateful for this child, and if anything, the fact that he/she is coming into this world has made Mr. A and I very aware of the environment in which we want our child(ren) raised, so we are more sensitive to those types of things now.)

Yesterday, I accomplished one of my 2011 goals. I went to a (prenatal) yoga class!!

It was small- only two other girls and me. One girl was 28ish weeks, and the other one was 18 just like me.

I am very glad I went, and I am planning on continuing to take this class! I have been doing my prenatal yoga DVD each morning, but I think the class was great because there is a teacher right there who can help you deepen or correct poses as you are in them. Plus it gets me out of the house and hopefully I can make some new friendships.

The two big differences were that we did some more arm strengthening (I guess your arm/shoulder muscles shorten during pregnancy and you want them to be strong for labor and for carrying baby afterwards), and we did two types of squats. We held the squats for TWO WHOLE MINUTES, and the squat against the wall (your back is to the wall) nearly killed me. I am good at the one where you squat all the way down to the floor (those are in my prenatal dvd practice), but I couldn't hold the one against the wall the whole time.

Must practice more of those- squatting is a great position for during labor. And two minutes is sometimes the length of time your contractions are going to be, so you need to be able to breathe and relax right through them. Must practice more!!

But I totally recommend yoga. Before pregnancy and during pregnancy, and I'm sure I will recommend it after pregnancy. I have had nothing but great experiences with it so far! Try it and see how you like it!!

Some advice for y'all (updated w/ links)

Alot of you have asked me if I would recommend such-and-such that I tried while on this journey. So I thought I'd do a pre-pregnancy and while-pregnant post about what I've liked and what I could have done without. I'm not being paid in any way to recommend or not recommend anything, just so you know :) None of these supplements was specifically recommended by my doctor(s)- I just came to do research about each one and felt good about adding them to my diet.

TTC:
Fertility Drugs: BOO. (Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Vitamin D (2000iu/day): I started taking 2000iu in the fall (was taking a lower dosage before then). I definitely would recommend this supplement. A friend of mine saw a normal endocrinologist, and he told her that in the endocrine system, Vitamin D is very powerful, and he thought everyone should take 2000iu per day. The reason I started taking it was because after all our failed ART treatments, it seemed as though I just had low levels of hormones all around. Some reading I had done suggested that increasing your Vitamin D intake would help the production of hormone levels.

Prenatal Vitamin: I take Rainbow Light's Prenatal One. It is a food-based prenatal, meaning that the nutrients therein come from natural/vegetable sources. I would definitely recommend this brand.

Baby Aspirin and/or Robitussin: I took these a few cycles here and there over the last few years, and while I don't think they do you any harm, I am not convinced it helped me in any way. Since I was trying to rid my body of unnecessary chemicals, I decided since I hadn't seen "results", these ones weren't on my list of keepers.

Wheatgrass: I started with the tablets (7 per day, thank you) in July, and sometime early fall, I switched to the powder. The reasons I started taking this supplement was because it is an alkaline superfood containing great folic acid (as adults, our bodies tend towards acidity), and I hoped it would make sure the pH of the reproductive areas was optimal. Also, there are studies that say that wheatgrass improves FSH levels and/or egg quality, and given the results of our ART cycles, that is what I suspected my issue was. I will warn you, it's not the most yummy concoction (I mixed it with 8oz of juice) to choke down every day, but I felt it was definitely having a positive impact, so I would recommend it.

Acupuncture (along with "The Infertility Cure" (book)): I did acupuncture for about 3ish weeks last spring around our IVF cycle, in hopes it would help my response. Well, we all know how that went down. However, after deciding to ditch modern medicine in October and go with only natural fertility-enhancers, I returned to acupuncture, once a week. I think without all the other meds in my body, acupuncture was much more successful (for me). I definitely felt a difference in my cycles and my body/mind, and I incorporated many dietary suggestions from The Infertility Cure. I would definitely recommend acupuncture and this book.

Royal Jelly: I added this supplement in November, because it has been said to be the natural fertility drug. This is what the queen bees eat, and they drop eggs all day long. ;-) It works at the cellular level to make sure cells are as healthy as can be, so I also took this with the hopes I'd crank out some spectacular looking eggies sometime soon. I got the actual jelly form, and just like wheatgrass, eating a tsp per day was a labor of love, but I did it, and I'd recommend it to anyone! (edited to respond to Mommy-In-Waiting: yes, I read that it takes 3 months to "take effect", and it just so happens that I started in November and conceived in January....!)

CoQ10: I added this in January because this supplement has been said to assist in enhancing blood flow and the energy/cell reproduction process, and I wanted to increase my circulation/energy levels (per acupuncture), and make sure my eggs were being made properly (do you notice a trend?). This is a supplement I think is probably least specifically related to fertility issues, but I haven't read anything detrimental about adding it to your intake, so I would keep this in my vitamin cabinet.

Circle+Bloom and Pulling Down the Moon's "Yoga Practices for Fertility": Both of these holistic things I added in January, and I loved them. I think everyone who is still praying for their baby should get one of each of these. The circle+bloom is a meditation series, and it is very relaxing and even if it doesn't work right away, the visualization exercises are really neat to practice. I ordered the fertility yoga DVD, and did it every morning of the week (not weekends). It isn't too hard (if you have never done yoga before), and the instructors do a great job of explaining the poses' relevance to infertility.

PREGNANCY:
Basically, I have continued the Vitamin D, Prenatal, and CoQ10. I stopped the Royal Jelly because there isn't an acceptance either way if it is safe during pregnancy or not. I continued the wheatgrass for as long as I could, but I just have not felt like subjecting myself to trying to swallow that concoction for several weeks.

I have added Expecta DHA prenatal supplement because my prenatal doesn't have DHA in it.

I haven't been back to acupuncture, as much as my practitioner and lots of people on the web assure me that it's safe during pregnancy as long as a few points are avoided. I have alot of confidence in its ability to move energy and adjust balances, and right now my body is balanced (enough) to support this baby, and I am nervous about altering that. I do want to return at least as I approach delivery, though, as there are points to make sure baby is in the right position and my body is preparing itself in the most whole way.

I am not doing the Yoga for Fertility anymore, but I am doing prenatal yoga 5 mornings a week:

First, I got Shiva Rae's DVD and about fell asleep during her routine. I mean, I am no yoga master, but it is soooooooooo slowwwwwwwwwww. As a former distance runner, I need some meat to my workouts, even if they are generally lower impact during pregnancy. The nice thing is that her DVD has trimester variations, but seriously, it is so boring.

Then, I ordered Element's Prenatal/Postnatal Yoga and Ann Richmond's Yoga for Pregnancy (6 workouts). These are MUCH better, and Ann Richmond's one is separated into trimesters, so for people who want the variations, this one is good (although the editing will make you chuckle- she has herself edited into random fields of blowing grass, etc.). The Element one is my favorite, though. (To be honest, I've lent my Ann Richmond out to a friend who is dealing with morning sickness, as she has a segment devoted to relieving specific symptoms!) I'm hoping that my prenatal yoga practice, along with walking the dogs 45min-1hr per day will help me stay fit during pregnancy!

If you have any questions, be sure to ask! I will try to do a followup post if there is enough interest!!

Life Changing: There are two lines this time

Yes, you read that correctly.

I took a test this morning, and there are two lines. For the first time in 3+ years of trying. I am still kind of speechless.

Back in October, I was emailing back and forth with a friend of mine (are you still reading, SG?), and through our discussion, I came to read Isaiah 66:14. I thought it was such a perfect verse, and I knew I wanted to memorize it so that I could pray first thing whenever I found that we were going to be expecting a baby. Here is what it says:

You shall see,
Your heart will rejoice,
Your body will flourish like the grass,
And all shall know that the hand of the Lord is upon His servants.

So I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to my work computer monitor. Every day since then, I've repeated those words and imagined praying them after getting a positive test. Many days, it seemed like that day would never get here.

This morning, I got that opportunity. I couldn't even do anything else. I sat on the edge of the tub, holding the positive test, tears in my eyes, and praying thanksgivings and repeating this verse.

I went to get the Harley baby pj's that I bought probably 4 years ago, and I woke up a groggy Mr. A to tell him the news. Even in our sleepiness, the excitement was evident and the pups came running upstairs with their tails wagging!! It was very cute. It is a moment I will never forget.

I am going to get some blood drawn for HCG and progesterone, but I am having some symptoms (bb tenderness, some tiredness, headaches if I don't drink enough water), and I am trusting my body to know what to do. I think I am going to order the circle+bloom pregnancy series soon! I loved their natural cycle program!!

It is very surreal to be here. After all the meds, all the procedures, and all the tests that failed last year, here we are, having taken nary a medication since October. We have done nothing for the last three months but eat healthy (natural & organic), take vitamins (wheatgrass, royal jelly, vitamin D3, CoQ10, and prenatal), focus on being happy (yoga, meditation) with what we have (and not pine for what we don't), and go to acupuncture. And somehow, our miracle is here. The old fashioned way. Our precious baby is due on October 4!

We are praying like crazy that our baby is happy and healthy and that we will have a happy and healthy full-term pregnancy.

I have so many reflections. On pregnancy after infertility. On this timing. On what to do with telling my college friends. On how it feels to cry happy tears in church.

I know that I have a few new readers and that I'm new to reading several of you, and I know everybody says this, but I hope you will still stop by, but I understand if it's too much sometimes. I will document my pregnancy just as I have documented my infertility, not with surveys and objectivity, but with sensitivity, longing, and spirituality. I want to try to add another page with any questions I have that specifically relate to babies/pregnancy. I will still do Food on Friday, and I will still talk about our pups.

As Whitney graciously commented recently, one thing I love about my blog (title especially), is that I try to emphasize that this is all a journey. I think it will be applicable to almost any stage of my life, and I fully imagine I will be full of infertility-related reflections during this new leg of my life's journey.

One of my best friends just triggered for her first femera cycle. I texted her first thing!! She has said over and over that our positive test has given her so much hope. That is what I pray for all my readers. I hope that in whatever stage of infertility (or life, in general) you are in, our journey- our "all the way"- will give you hope that all of your heartache will be redeemed someday!!!

A glow? Already?

Yesterday, when I showed up to acupuncture, the first thing she says to me is "wow, you have a glow about you today!!"

I am thinking, What? A glow? I could only possibly be a few days past ovulation and I already have a (pregnant) glow? How can this be? That is so nice of her to notice! I had no idea the glow started so soon!

HAAAAAA.

Who knows where this "glow" is coming from, maybe it's from seeing another Parents magazine that showed up in my mailbox yesterday!!! Honestly people, I promise I don't have a subscription!!

Or maybe it's from my new face soap or morning yoga or eating organic or the brisk morning walks when it is 10F outside (brr). Goodness knows it couldn't be from a pregnancy. That would be too normal! Stuff like that doesn't happen to me!

I decided to buy the Circle + Bloom meditation series, and I have been listening to my certain day's meditation each morning. It is very relaxing, and kind of neat to really picture what is (could be) happening right now with any hypothetical fertilized eggie. What strikes me, though, is how much focus they do on relaxing. Almost like playing into the stereotype that all it takes is relaxing to conceive... I know that stress does cause your body to go into a defense mode that is perhaps not totally conducive to conceiving, but it is interesting that so much of the meditations are focused on relaxing.

But I guess that is the point of meditation, huh? I really do like the program (they have one for IVF/IUI, too), though. If you are looking for a way to balance relaxing (what everyone tells you to do) and the stress of trying to conceive, I'd totally recommend it. Right now my fertilized eggie is cruising down a totally open fallopian tube! Go baby, go!

Maybe if you relax, you will have a glow, too ;-)