Resolution and FOOD!!

Only six comments yesterday?!?! Do you guys think I am a terrible person?

I think it's time for a resolution of all this friend drama. My dear friend H (one of this group that I will be keeping in touch with!) said it best yesterday in an email: "Friendship doesn't need to be this much work and this much drama."

I do have a peace about it. Actually, it feels like I have been freed of the worry about my place in their eyes. Ever since they have been having kids and I have been trying to fit in, it has been a source of strife for me to figure out how I could still fit in. Now I don't have to worry about that.

I was actually surprised at my counselor's take on this whole situation: that there must be something special about our friendships to have lasted this long. I'm not saying that there wasn't something special, I'm just not sure it still exists among all of us (certain people it definitely still is there). My counselor's comments were just different than I expected because, in my eyes, counselors are there to help you with your person, not to have you figure out how you can still belong among others. It's like me trying to jam myself into jeans I wore in high school and doing that for years, until I finally accept that my high school jeans just don't fit anymore because I've grown up since then. I feel like my counselor was saying "But you loved those jeans, didn't you? Maybe you could still try to jam yourself into them", instead of acknowledging that maybe that was not the best thing for me to do right now.

I am disappointed about how they've treated me, but I can't change what has happened. I was honest with them about our struggle and how I'd still like to be included in their lives. It has been very hurtful, and I don't know if they will ever make a noticeable effort to include me again. (If they do appear to want to include me back into their clique, I suppose that I would not be opposed, but my trust in them has been badly broken, so it will take alot of time to rebuild that.) But I do have a peace about deciding/accepting that they can go their own way, and I'm not going to fret if that way doesn't include me. The disappointing part is that I know that people with kids can be awesome friends and wonderful supports. My friends here and here and here and here are shining examples that you don't have to become elitist when you have kids and testament to the fact that I don't live my life running to the hills when a friend of mine has a baby. I just long to be included even though I don't have one yet. And when I don't quite know how to convince myself that I matter as much as they do, I need some patience and understanding.

But seriously. Enough of the drama. Onto some food!

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and I am making my list of things to get at the store for the PIES!!! (And some more pads for when I start my period the day after, but I digress...)

Here is one of my favorites, my mom's recipe for Pumpkin Pie!

1 unbaked crust (1 cup flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/3 cup shortening (or more as needed), 5ish Tb cold water)
1 can of pumpkin puree or 3-4 cups of mashed cooked pumpkin
2 eggs
1 can evaporated milk
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves

(Preheat oven to 400F)

For crust: Combine flour and salt. Cut in shortening until the mixture is crumbly. Add water and knead until a dough ball forms. Roll out the dough so that it fits your pie plate.

For filling: Dump all the ingredients into your mixer and give it a whirl until it is all blended/homogeneous. Pour into the pie crust.

Bake the pie at 400F for 15 minutes, then reduce the temp to 350F and bake for 45 minutes or until the filling is set.

Decision?

I think I have made a decision.

I think I have decided to just let the friendship(s) go. There are a couple of girls that I will keep in touch with individually, but in a nutshell, I think whatever fallout from my confrontation email would be even more painful for me than being silent. I am so hurt already that I don't think I can handle any more from this group.

Because let's face it, she is going to say that she thought it would hurt me, and I'm going to have to go into the whole "but I asked to be included", and then chances are that I will still be excluded because, as Al said in the comments yesterday, fertile people seem to assume that they know how to treat us better than we do.

I am afraid of coming across like I am pushing people away. But Mr. A noted that since they are not emailing me anyway, it's not like I wouldn't be responding to them. Of course if they do email me, I will respond as though nothing is amiss, so as not to be offstandish. But clearly they feel like there is a difference between them and me, and even though I tried to emphasize that I want to be included despite my circumstances, they have decided for themselves that there is information that I do not need to know. I cannot control whether or not they include me.

I wonder how they would feel if they knew that I went to therapy because of them?

Mr. A has always felt unwelcomed and demeaned by (many of) this particular set of friends, and he says that he is not surprised that I am feeling this from them now. It makes me sad that this has happened. I don't really have that many other friends, so I think one of the reasons I'm tempted to hang on despite how they treat me is that at least then I can count them among my friends.

But friends are people who support and love you. They will be with you through thick and thin. I do not feel love or support from several of them, and so maybe they are not the friends I thought they were. I always try to put myself in their shoes, and I think I would have tried to be as sensitive and inclusive and comforting as possible to me, if I had received the emails that I've sent. Clearly it's not impossible- one other of them did everything perfectly when she found out she was expecting #2. So obviously, if one of them could act compassionately, my expectations of them are not out of line, right?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I have a separate "mom friend" folder that all their emails are filtered to automatically, and we'll see if any messages pop up. I'm not holding my breath. Obviously I have no idea what it's like.

Can't Decide

I can't decide if I whether to email my "friend", as my counselor suggested.

On the one hand, it would feel good to let her know that her veiled attempt at not telling me has been dashed. It would probably be good for me to force myself to write "but I'm happy for you". And inherently, it would be good for me to practice what I say, that I really do want to be included in what's going on.

On the other hand, she might become defensive (especially with all the pregnancy hormones that clearly I have no idea about) and start ranting to me that she was just trying to protect me, even after I asked to be included. Also it's not like the two of us were the closest of us 8 college buddies, so I'm not sure that forcing the issue is worth it. And there is a good chance that I will still be excluded.

I still can't understand how she thinks this will work logistically. Because as of now, she is going to have to exclude me on every further update for the rest of ever, because for all she knows, I don't know she is pregnant, or that in 9 months she will have a baby. Can you imagine that? She emails everyone (including me) in May or June or whatever that her baby is here with a "PS. Sorry I didn't tell you I was pregnant, A." Ha! I almost want her to keep excluding me, just so I have more ammo when I unleash all of what I know. Oh wait, that is the ugly infertility speaking.

And what the blazes are my other friends thinking? Only one told me when I asked, and no one else has contacted me. Are they feeling sorry for me? Are they encouraging her to tell me like I asked?? Are they too busy changing diapers that they could care less?

I really don't appreciate being put in this position.

Advice

If you go to see a counselor (who is maybe 60ish and definitely not pregnant, haha) about dealing with infertility, she might ask you if you've tried natural progesterone cream.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

She honestly did say that, and I had to shake my head and appear very honestly interested in her advice.

All in all, my session was generally good, but nothing earth shattering as I hoped it would be. Don't counselors have the "how to" manual on living well with infertility? What, one doesn't exist? Is it because "living well" stands obnoxiously in stark contrast to "infertility"?

We talked about how I feel abandoned by my friends, especially since I'd felt so close to them in school. We talked about how sometimes it feels like I'm not good enough for God to give me a baby, even though I know that isn't true. We talked about how my childhood was, and the fact that I've never felt inferior until my friends started being wildly prolific while in the meantime the only thing I can make is an apple crisp. We talked about how Mr. A is great.

She told me that I should not feel bad that I feel sad about being childless. She told me I should any time I feel attacked by infertility, I should take a moment and meditate, picturing myself in a warm safe place where I feel beautiful and happy (Labor and Delivery suite? Oh wait, ....) She told me I should email my friend who left me out of her pregnancy announcement and tell her that I was very hurt she hasn't told me, but that I am very happy for her.

I have never been to a counselor before, so I think I expected too much. I expected me to say "I feel left behind" or "I feel inadequate" or "I feel less worthy than people with kids" and she would give me things I could do or think to (I guess) fill my thoughts and life with other things so I wouldn't have the space or time to consider our three empty bedrooms. (She did give me a couple concrete suggestions, but I think I had the bar too high.) Or maybe that isn't the point of counseling, to fill your life with good things so you don't have time to deal with the bad things. Maybe the point is really to just talk about the bad things enough so that you become so comfortable with them that they're not so bad anymore.

Hey, maybe I just gave myself a breakthrough.

I should write myself a check for $120.

I made an appointment for next week, but I am not sure I will keep it. This is more expensive than acupuncture, and I'm not sure I will perceive it as helping as much. On the other hand, I am feeling really great right now, so maybe it helped more subconsciously than I'm aware of.

The one thing that she did say that perked up my ears is when she was reviewing all of the blessings I recounted for her. She said "you have a husband who loves you, two great dogs who depend on you...." I never thought of my dogs depending on me, even though I guess they do. I know people who humanize their dogs can be a little wacky, but if I remind myself that they depend on me, maybe that will help me feel a little less useless, in the realm of not "mothering" anyone/thing.

Long story short, I think every infertile should try counseling once. It would be amazing if you could find someone with infertility experience, but even if yours hasn't struggled with it, you still might be able to come away from the session with a couple foods for thought. I'm glad I went today :)

T-minus 3 hours

My appointment is at 1:45pm. Today is cold and rainy and gray. Hopefully the session will not be the same!!

From the material they sent with my forms, it seems like even if I were to call to try to get authorization, they may not approve because it's not for a medical diagnosis, e.g. bipolar, depression. I mean, of course infertility sucks the life out of you and then stomps on your soul, but it's not like I am thinking about jumping off a bridge (no joking about that intended).

And I think calling and putting it out there that I was thinking of going, and then being denied, and having the request STILL be in my file would be one of my least desired outcomes. So I will gladly self-pay to see what it will all be about. I think the sessions are an hour long, and it is kind of funny when I think of all the infertility crap I could unload on this poor girl. I could probably talk the whole hour without her getting a word in edgewise! We'll see how it goes.

She better not be pregnant. ;-)

Jellied

I decided to take it daily- from what I can tell, royal jelly has good effects on all hormones, so conceivably (get it?) that would include progesterone, which is important in the 2ww! I also read that it has anti-inflammatory properties which is also good in the 2ww. Here's hoping for the best!

The kind I got is royal jelly in honey with bee pollen. It tastes like kind of bitter or more condensed honey. According the package, you're not supposed to put it in hot water (degrades it somehow), so I just take a teaspoon hunk (on a plastic spoon, also supposedly very important to keep it from degrading) and keep it on my tongue and wash it down with juice. Then I add my wheatgrass powder to my juice and swig that down, too.

The things we do for baby.

I have taken three days of the royal jelly so far, and to be honest, I do notice that I wake more easily in the morning, i.e. I don't feel like it will take a front loader to get me out of bed! I think that is a good improvement!

We feel really good about how we have changed most all of our food to organic and natural. We are bringing our fresh farm-raised turkey (non hormone/antibiotic/GMO-feed) to Mr. A's parents' for Thanksgiving, but what about all the other food? They are definitely not buying organic. I guess I will just try to eat in amazing moderation. Something about the way they cook (more oil/fat maybe? or maybe it's because we are used to less processed food?) makes Mr. A and I have indigestion anyway, so less of the food will probably be easier on my stomach! Am I a food snob? ;-)

And I decided to give the counseling a whirl- tomorrow afternoon. But we're going to do self-pay. The place actually sent me a pamphlet with the registration materials on how if you involve insurance with counseling, they can raise your rates in the future and legally have access to all your records. No thanks! Plus, I would hate to alert the insurance and feel like the session was a complete bust, never wanting to do it again, but now it's on my health record. So we'll see how it goes. Hoping it will be helpful, but skeptical at this point.

Has it come to this?

(I interrupt Food on Friday with more about the pregnancy (un)announcement. Check for a recipe this weekend!)

Mr. A and I had a pretty "lively" discussion last night given the most recent pregnancy "un"-announcement- "un" because she still hasn't told me. Here are some highlights:

Mr. A is focused on very good things we do have instead of the huge thing that we don't have. He cannot for the life of him understand what it means when I say that I'm happy for {whoever} that they're pregnant, but I'm sad for me. Why do I have to be sad for me, he wonders? We have a nice home, good savings, stable jobs, two great dogs, etc etc etc. I am very thankful for those things and for his constant reminder to put those things ahead of what we might not have.

He says he's going to make a recording for me to play that says "It is going to be alright. We can be happy anyways without kids." because he's tired of saying it over and over with apparent lack of results in my response.

He has been convincing himself for the last couple of years that it probably isn't going to happen (even though he also says that if it's going to happen, it will happen whenever it's supposed to) and he is to the point where he has accepted that and is ready to move on. I am definitely not there yet, but how many more years can I torture myself with the idea that it's possible?? I have started to curtail myself from saying things like "when we will wait for the bus with our kid..." or "what if our kid gets into trouble at school...." or "that's the baby's room..." because I feel like I'm just teasing myself with those kinds of thoughts now.

I have not finished grieving the idea of our biological child, so I don't feel ready to move to adoption. Mr. A thinks that the whole adoption process is plunking down a suitcase of $100's, and saying "call us when you get a baby". I have tried to tell him about all the work and emotional exploration involved and that it isn't an easy road either, and I am not ready to move to adoption until he is fully on board with all that we'll have to go through if we choose adoption. Not to mention, our families are not exactly open to adoption right now, either...

I feel in my heart that I should just keep in touch with my (college) friends who (are) have been supportive, but I don't want to be accused of pushing people away who haven't been (one of them has already pretty much admonished me for this), even though I feel like they don't want to include me in their lives anymore. It makes me so sad that I used to totally belong with them and now I don't.

I still place most, if not all, of the blame of infertility on myself. Maybe it was the training 3+ years ago for the 2 marathons, 3 half marathons, and other distance races that messed up my hormone levels. Maybe it was my unworthy behavior in college or my wavering confidence that God really is going to give us a family. I worry that I miss too many Sunday's at church. At the same time, I know in my head that if God gave out babies on the merit system, drug addicts wouldn't have 7 kids each. But also at the same time, I have to hope that God is pleased with how I try to live my life, and what about all that rewarding the faithful stuff in the Bible??

Especially after that letter about the mama-jama fertility drugs, we are not feeling like we have the emotional energy for another run through the ART gauntlet, much less that it would be a good use/safe risk of our finances. So that leaves us with doing nothing acupuncture. And wheatgrass. Still gulping the wheatgrass.

So anyway, long story short, maybe I should call the christian counseling place here for an appointment. I think Mr. A is growing weary of being the only sounding board, especially because even though he says {mostly} the right things, I don't think he sees enough of a change in me to be confident that he's making a difference (although of course he is). Because I think I'm to the point where I am just about to my limit of dealing with this crap, and it might be helpful to get some guidance on how to go from here.

I know a few of you have gone to at least a few sessions, and I'd love to hear your feedback on your session (did it help?), and suggestions about how to prepare myself for this huge admittance that I might not be dealing with this struggle as well as I think I am.

But really, I think I do a pretty good job of dealing with IF day to day, any other day except pregnancy (un)announcement days. Is that so unforgiveable?

PS. I have to get a preapproval from the mental health section of my insurance!! Is this going to be a huge red flag on my record if I do this?! Maybe I can just talk to my pastor...

Edited to Add: Mr. A is super ultimate amazingly supportive. He totally knows my longing for a baby, and when he says things like, "but look at what we have been blessed with", he does not mean to diminish my (or his) longing for a child. It's just his way of dealing with it- focus on the good not the bad. I think it is an excellent way to approach the things we feel we are missing in our lives, but I have not found it as "easy" as it appears to have been for him to really focus on those things, and not just "say" that.

We are both very honest with each other about everything, including our mutual lack of peace with adoption right now, and we respect each other's positions and reasons. And we did attend an info session in early 2008 that left us both very disappointed (I know every agency is different).

I just hope I didn't paint a picture like he just sits on the couch and says "get over it" when I am struggling with an (un)announcement. He is amazing, and I am so thankful for how he has led our family of 2 in the last 3 years of this struggle. I hope God will allow me the chance to make him a dad- he will be a great one!