Just for the afternoon/evening, mind you, but every day this week this visit has been weighing on my mind.
I have definitely been preparing for the worst. I have been telling myself they will say things like
- wow, lots of empty bedrooms! *WINK WINK*
- you already have bunkbeds? do you have something to tell us?
- you're lucky you don't have to carry around a diaper bag all the time
- your dog is so great- I wish we had a dog
- I always wanted a Harley
- your place is so much cleaner than ours- we have toys everywhere
- yep, my parents can each have their own room when they visit!
- oh, I think I told you 2 years ago we wanted kids and you seem to have forgotten to ask me how it's going
- yah, a diaper bag is way worse than trucking my sharps box and my follistim needles to Thanksgiving
- you're right, Banana is pretty darn awesome.
- the Harley is fun, luckily I can still ride on it since I'm not pregnant!
- yah it must be awful to see all the toys on the living room floor after you miracle gift from God plays happily with them
I think the lowest point yet of processing this visit came last night when Mr. A mentioned he wanted to ride his motorcycle to work tomorrow. The first thing that came to mind is "That will be so cool because then when you come roaring home, her husband will see your bike and be jealous."
I mean, really?
I clearly have not come all the way to terms with living childfree with a smile forever while my college friends go on and have billions of kids. It was hard for me to reflect on what I'd thought about Mr. A's bike. I think I do a pretty good job of living day to day with just our family of two, but when it comes to my friends from college, I feel so defensive and insignificant and "one of these things that doesn't belong". And apparently, judging from my subconscious, even though I tell them we are boring and don't really have anything exciting going on (because really, day to day, it's not like someone is learning to walk or talk), there are things that we "have" because we don't have kids, and apparently when push comes to shove, I'm going to shove those things in their faces to try to stand my ground that we are not quite the losers I feel like sometimes. Not something to be real proud of, but that's where I'm at with these friends right now.
We just had my other friend O and her family (including her little girl) over on Saturday, and we couldn't have been more happy. O is amazing and sensitive and precious, and I never in a million years feel defensive of our family of two in her presence. Her daughter is only a little bit younger than my fertile friend's son, and even though I pushed her daughter around the pool on a float for like 2 hours and had such a blast, I seriously cannot imagine me doing the same thing with my friend's son.
I am picturing tomorrow's fertile friend visit as being generally awkward, with Mr. A and her hubby hanging out alot, and her hubby telling Mr. A how lucky he is to have blah blah blah. And I picture her and her son with me, and her telling me how hard it is to juggle everything. I couldn't say no to her visit, though, because they live pretty far away and are just local because of a vacation.
I am hoping that even though I am projecting all of this disappointment, the way I act will not in itself make anything awkward. I don't want to have my guard up the whole time and make them feel weird. But how am I going to act if they really do say assinine things in person? I mean, really, how am I going to handle that?!
I am sad because this girl and I were roommates for 3 years in school, and we used to be really close. It hurt so much how she handled her pregnancy, though. I am sad that somehow the devil is using my fertile friends to crumble what I know to be true, that God has a unique purpose for each of us and that He will use all things for good, even the things we struggle with.
I just hope that even though I'm preparing for the worst, I'll be pleasantly surprised:
I implore Your favor with all my heart,
be gracious to me according to Your promise.
(Ps. 119:58)
be gracious to me according to Your promise.
(Ps. 119:58)
16 comments:
Oh boy, hope it goes ok, and quick.
Nice responses!!
Hang in there. I had one of these visits with a 2 year old in December (and the friend was secretly preggo but I totally could tell), and it went okay. Lots of deep breaths. And just go to one of your spare rooms and take a moment to yourself whenever you need it....gotta look out for YOU during this type of event. Thinking of you. xo
Oy. I hope that she surprises you and is more sensitive than you expect and if not I hope you use some of your what I really want to say responses so that she understands. Or, like Egg said, just take a step back and take a moment to yourself. Best of luck, will be thinking of u :-)
Whatever they say, you'll handle it well. And think of the womderful stories you'l have to tell the next time you blog if she lives up to your expectations. No shortage of material.
It's really too bad that they handled the pregnancy as they did. They truly cannot comprehend what an absolute miracle it is to be able to conceive and carry a child to term with no worries or fears. 'Shame. Some people don't know how blessed they are if it comes up and smacks them in the face . . . not to give you any ideas.
I know you're way too gracious to say any of those things, even if I sort of wish that you would ;). I have found it really hard to strike a good balance between "flaunting" what we're able to have as a result of our childlessness, and lauding the benefits of children by making my life sound horrible. I think the biggest problem is basically what you said - that _I_ feel like my life's not worth enough. It makes it easy to get angry when someone else implies it, because I already feel that it's true. If they criticized me on a point I flatly disagreed about (I don't know, said I should...eat worse food? Spend more on rent?), it wouldn't bother me at all.
I would have been worrying myself sick about this visit I'm sure, and I hope it's all smooth sailing when it actually happens!
:-( I know how you feel. Last year my SIL would come visit with her son (she was pregnant with him when I had my m/c). I found that I went out of my way to be nice to the kid and ask her questions about being a mom. Later I would kick myself because I wanted to be more aloof, but it was really WAY better that it went the way it did (I was like you had had a bunch of comments I wanted to say, but like I said, I actually ended up being really nice. The 2 year old will probably provide a lot of entertainment and will keep all of you too busy to get into awkward conversations. I hope that's the case anyway!!!
I have felt some of those feelings before (but we don't have a Harley). ;) And I have to tell you something that probably doesn't seem "fair." Regardless of how she handled her pregnancy, I sometimes find myself minimizing pregnancies that came naturally. I find myself feeling that the IF pregnancies are so much more special - that somehow they are worth more - than the "I got pregnant on the pill." And that's not fair, but ... so much for the conscience, right?
I hope she doesn't say anything stupid, and maybe they'll leave feeling far more envious of you than you do them. ;)
Wishing you loads of luck.
Hugs!
I do understand the very same thoughts you are having.
I hope that your visit does end up going better than you are preparing yourself.
If not...you know we are all here!!
I hope it goes well...let us know. I'll be thinking of you ;). I find when I prepare myself for the worst it usually turns out much better so I'm hoping you have a nice visit. If not, we're all on your side. =)
Sorry you have to deal with insensitive friends. Thank goodness for those who are more like your friend, O. It makes such a huge difference!
Hope the visit goes well... and quickly.
Ugh, the dreaded encounter with an insensitive fertile. I especially hate it when they act like they are so jealous of you. ERGH. I hope things go better than you've expected!
I hope you DO say some of those things to her! And if you can, hide a camera somewhere to capture the look on her face when she realizes what a *&#@# she's been, haha.
I hope you are pleasantly surprised also, and can't wait to hear how the actual visit goes. Something I just can't tolerate is people complaining about their pregnancy. They should feel lucky! Enough said!
I hope the visit goes better than you're imagining!
I hope it goes better than you anticipate...otherwise it sounds like you have your comeback responses ready!!
I hope that your friend's visit goes well and she doesn't say too many stupid/hurtful things. I really like some of your come backs. I hope you do use some of them.
How did the visit go??? I hope it went sooo much better than you thought it would go!!
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