Poor taste

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Of course everyone knows that people have poor taste in talking to infertiles. They feel the need to suggest things you tried 2 years ago that failed. They feel the need to say maybe you should try them again. They feel the need to tell you every anecdote they know regarding pregnancy. They feel the need to perpetuate every myth on the planet; I think the all-time winner would be that you will get pregnant after signing adoption papers.

I am just here to say that it doesn't stop after a positive test.

On Monday night, I shared our happy news with the rest of the volunteers at our pregnancy center inservice. (Yes, I am still on "leave", but I wanted to share with them all, so I went to the inservice.) It was like an out of body experience to hear the gasps when I said "this morning I got a positive test after 3 years of trying and failed treatments", and to have everyone coming to hug me and congratulate me.

There was one lady who shared with me that they tried for 8 years and then adopted, and she didn't think she could have counseled while they were trying. I tried to tell her that my ability to reflect God's love and mercy to my clients was ALL Him, not me.

Then, there was another gal who came up to me at the end. Here is how the conversation went:

Her: Congratulations! We tried for 11 years, and now we have our nieces and nephews to keep us busy.
Me: Well gosh, thanks. I imagine you guys went through alot while you were trying, too.
Her: Yah, we did, but now it is fine. So have you had bloodwork?
Me: Yes, I had some this morning for hcg and progesterone.
Her: Oh, that is good. Who are you seeing?
Me: Oh, Dr. (so and so) over at (university)
Her: Oh, I know him! Well, just so you know now, that he is going to want alot of bloodwork to make sure the hormones like progesterone and estrogen are okay, because bad things can happen like the lining separating or the baby not implanting right and so they are going to keep very close tabs on that.
Me: Um, yah, I'm sure he will keep an eye on it.

Okay. I really appreciate her opening up to me about her infertility. And maybe infertility 11+ years ago was not the sea of knowledge and tests and research and googlemania it is today, (and maybe I am just extra sensitive in my new "state), but does she really think after 3 years of infertility that I am not familiar with bloodwork?! Okay, fine, she doesn't know our history. (But to be honest, I don't really think she knows him that well, because compared to some of your RE's, he requires very little bloodwork.)

My bigger beef is who the heck tells a newly pregnant woman about awful things that can happen?!?!?!??!?!?!? Haaa!!! That is like saying to a newlywed wife "Now, you know, there is a chance your plane might crash into the Atlantic Ocean on the way to your honeymoon." Of course there is a chance, but now is not the time!!

I really am praying for all my bloggy buddies who are still waiting. I know alot of people say that, but honestly I have a list in my prayer journal with all of you on it!!! And I hope that when you get your BFP's, the people around you will just be so excited and not feel the need to tell you things that are totally not what you want to hear!!!

(ETA: A couple of commenters have brought up a good point that maybe it was her infertility or miscarriage speaking. That is definitely possible. To be honest, if I had been in their shoes, probably all I could have mustered was a short congratulations, so I definitely appreciate them opening up to me, their "advice" notwithstanding!!!)


Bridget said...

Who says that?!? Wow I would have had much more to say to her. You are so nice :)

JC said...

OMG that's totally the wrong thing to say! I can't believe some people. Craziness.

Thanks for the prayers, that's so sweet of you!

Melissa said...

Ugh. Sometimes, IF rears its ugly head. Maybe that's her problem. I'm not making excuses for her and she shouldn't have said those things to you.

And I couldn't agree more with Bridget, you are way too nice.

p.s. I keep a praise journal and have been praising God about your BFP. It brings a smile to face every time. So happy for you!

Coco said...

Haha. I don't think it ever ends. At the beginning it's all the miscarriage horror stories, toward the end it's all the labor horror stories, and then it's advise on how to breast feed, diaper, how much to hold the baby, etc etc etc. The world is full of people who think they know what you need in your life because they can't control their own. Good luck with it, you're WAY nicer to those people than I am. Haha. :) Oh and BTW, I am 7wks 4days. My ticker doesn't say, but I liked it too much to change it. So I guess I'm just like 2 1/2 weeks ahead of you right now. Happy to have a buddy to go through this with!

runnyyolk said...

Ugh, why would she say that?? Of course you know things could go wrong--you don't need to be reminded of it! Yah, you are nice. I would've laid the smack down.

AL said...

I'm wondering if maybe she did get pregnant but lost it and this was her way of mentioning it to make sure you were on top of things as much as possible? It is her issue, definitely, and it wasn't the right thing for her to say AT ALL, but maybe she could save you from some trauma that she went through? Anyways, I hope you don't have to deal w/ any more dumb comments!

Melissa said...

I had similar comments during my pregnancy...its like "I didn't need to hear that!" All I did was worry after that.

Hillary said...

Seriously, that is SO not helpful....to say the least. Just keep basking in your miracle and try to not to listen to people like that!


Trisha said...

I think sometimes people don't know what to say so they just come off the cuff with something. I would never say those things to someone even with going through a miscarriage.

Barbara said...

Shame on her- don't let it affect your joy!!!!! Some folks just have no sense....unrelated but similar were the many stories people insisted on telling me about the evils that would befall my sailor in foreign ports...Not sure why folks do those sorts of reports............

Maegan said...

Wow, 11 years of infertility probably messes with your head a lot. Sometimes people say stuff that just makes you go - ??? I did that just recently! I was with my inlaws at Christmas and my pregnant SIL and I and a couple others were talking in front of the fire. She was joking around and said, 'My baby had better come out perfect because I know the world is going to mess him up when he gets here.' And I said (lost in thought of course and not really thinking), 'Yeah, so many of my friends have perfectly normal healthy babies and I always wonder if mine will have a disability - like I'll end up on the other side of the odds.' And I was looking at the fire when I said it, and suddenly she started SOBBING and saying 'I KNOW that's going to happen to me!' Of course the whole family was hugging her and saying, 'Oh, sweetie, it's okay!' - while shooting me dirty looks and probably wondering what the heck I was thinking to say such a thing! DOH.SO I guess this is a terribly long comment but sometimes people like me are just less 'smooth' about stuff. Haha! HOWEVER, I hope your head is still firmly stuck in the clouds, not to be pulled down by anyone's poor taste! :)

lowfatlady said...

gah on that girl. She must be just talking about the bad things that happened to her. But still you don't need to hear that right now. Just listen to all the nice happy people.

Katie said...

Wow. I don't care what she's been through - what she said to you is COMPLETELY inappropriate! I'm so sorry. Some people just need to keep their foot in their mouth for everyone's sake!

Adam and Julia said...

patience grasshopper. some people are idiots.

Lady Grey said...

Yay, Yay, Yay, Yay, Yay about your pregnancy. Congratulations I am so thrilled for you! Such a great reminder that we do have a God who can answer prayers.
I'm so sorry that the insensitive comments continue to this stage. People are so strange! Perhaps she was trying to warn you or was dealing with her own feelings of disappointment and hurt. But Don't let it get you down! You have a precious baby to enjoy :)
love Belinda

Praying for Hope said...

You don't ever, ever tell a pregnant woman the bad things that could happen, especially if the pregnancy didn't come easily. They are already well aware of what could go wrong and don't need the reminder. Ever. In fact, the only thing you need right now is a lot of positive support.

Ashley said...

My advice to you is to plug your ears for the next 9 months. It's going to get worse before it gets better. lol
I've had people say the following things to me, just right off the top of my head:
"A lady I know just miscarried her triplets at 21 weeks (I was 19 weeks at the time), so don't think you're out of the woods."
"I fully believe in abortion. It's a lady's right to choose."
"I smoked pot the entire 9 months I was pregnant with my oldest."

Actually that was the same lady all 3 times, maybe I should just plug my ears when talking to her at all...too bad she's my BOSS!

Praying for a smooth pregnancy. Try your hardest to relax. (easier said than done, I know)

Adele said...

Yikes. That's terrible. I agree with previous commenters that sometimes things like that are more about the person's own traumas or preoccupations. Not fair, though. And not something anyone should ever say to a pregnant lady.

Leah said...

Unfortunately the insensitive comments won't stop. My kiddos are 7 months and 14 months (one adopted) and when people meet me and see that my kids are only 7 months apart, I get all the stories about how that ALWAYS happens. Adopt and BAM! You'll get pregnant. And these are people who don't even know that I experienced infertility. Ugh.

It's frustrating. Thinking of you.

Ashley said...

Oh that's not a great conversation at all. :( I had some off the wall comments too. And they didn't stop.