Is this really me?

It is really hard for us to believe that I am 20 weeks pregnant.

We went from thinking we'd have no problems having kids, to maybe we'd have problems, to what the crap is the problem, to I guess we just won't have kids, to maybe we'll start a scholarship program for a kid in our area's college, to by a miracle, we can see our baby on the screen when he's the size of a sweet pea?

I have said before that way back in the fall, I chose Isaiah 66:14 as the verse that would be the cornerstone of any pregnancy and/or baby we would be blessed with and/or any conclusion we might make to be okay with living child free. Every day I would look at it, posted on my computer, and I'd say it to myself. And let's be honest, there were days when I finished repeating it where my next thought was, "Oh sure, like that is ever going to happen."

I always had a hard time figuring out which Scripture was supposed to be speaking to me about the direction our infertility would take, or what would happen during that particular cycle, or how much I could be sure that God would remember our hearts which ached to be parents. Many times, I interpreted verses so literally and ended up feeling wounded and abandoned. (Hello, "He will give you the desires of your heart", etc.!!) Of course the better way to have read them may have been with a more open perspective, but that was nearly impossible when everyone else around me was claiming that they have just discovered- through Scripture- the exact plan for their life. Why couldn't Scripture tell me the same thing?

So it wasn't surprising to me that, in retrospect, I chose a verse that could be sort of vague, but still literally encouraging and optimistic that we would eventually be happy someday. It didn't relate directly to having children, in case that wasn't in the plan for us, but it still comforted me that we would be alright. Here were my thoughts at the time:

You shall see

Some day, I would understand God's plan for us and any family we'd be blessed with- even though I certainly couldn't see any sort of happy plan, i.e. including children, at that point.

Your heart shall rejoice

God would give me peace and happiness someday, in the fulfillment of His plan for our family. Maybe it wouldn't be rejoicing over things I'd imagined (like I said, in December, we were so convinced that we would probably never have kids, we honestly talked about starting a scholarship fund for a local high school student, and we even began to feel excited about that!), but someday, my heart would be light instead of heavy.

Your body shall flourish like the grass

I would be healthy. I felt confident that by changing our eating habits to nonprocessed/natural/organic, we had already made great strides in living the healthiest we could, and I felt sure that when we finally understood God's plan for our family, it would implicitly give us another boost towards healthiness. I knew we would thrive in that situation.

And it shall be known that the hand of the Lord is with His servants

Even though it was apparent that my plan for our family did not match God's plan, I just wanted to make sure that whatever path our lives took, we were sure to always attribute our blessings and fortunes to God's provision and love for us. Even if He never blessed us with children, I knew that however we impacted the lives of others around us would be in an effort to demonstrate that God brings good out of bad situations.

As you can (hopefully) see, I tried my darndest when taking this verse to heart to really think outside the infertility box. Every fiber of myself wanted to interpret it literally, though, and there were days when I let myself dream...

You shall see (two pink lines)
Your heart shall rejoice (we have a baby!!!)
Your body shall flourish like the grass (everything will be great and healthy!!)
And it shall be known that the hand of the Lord is with His servants (God finally blessed us in His time!!)

And after all of the times when I felt so burned by letting my heart run away with Scripture, here I sit, preparing to see our baby again tomorrow morning. Here I sit, feeling like I can finally claim that God really did put His plan for our family in my heart, even though I didn't know it at the time.

I so appreciate all of your prayers for our little one, and please know that I am hoping that somehow God will encourage those of you who are waiting that He has not forgotten you. I am praying for all of you who are carrying little ones after a long struggle with infertility that God will encourage you to remain confident that He has a plan for your baby. And I am praying for all of you whose children are running around in your homes that God will encourage you to stay strong in the hard moments of motherhood and to relish the happy moments.

This is really me, folks. Less than 24 hours till we see our little one again. Praying my heart out that he/she is healthy and happy!!