Fertile Assumptions

Monday, January 23, 2012

If you are a regular reader, you may remember my "friend" from college who told everyone else except me that she was pregnant. You can re-live the awfulness here and here.

She has a blog, and while I don't read it very often, I check it maybe every few months... for no real reason really, but just because it is sadly entertaining (sometimes) to read how the naive and fertile population exists.

Anyway, I happened to check it this afternoon, and I discovered that she and her hubby and daughter (who is I guess almost a year old now?) recently went to the animal shelter to adopt a dog. The woman whom they met there suggested that maybe they should wait a little while to get a dog because their daughter is still so little and it would be alot to handle.

(Which I pretty much agree with the shelter woman- it is alot of work to incorporate a new dog into your household, and there is no way I would do it with a baby. Sure, we have two dogs, but they were well-established before Maryanne arrived, and they have done absolutely amazing at incorporating HER into their lives!)

But anyway, here is where the fertile mindset just assaults infertility. She wrote that she told the woman (in a fairly snappy tone, I imagine) that if they waited a little while for their daughter/child to be older, they would never get a dog, because their daughter isn't going to be their only kid.


Since when does she have a crystal ball of reproduction/family building?

I guess I can't really blame her for being so presumptious, given her lack of experience with infertility. But it just sucks. If there is one thing that infertility rams into your head is that you have ZERO control over how your family expands. How dare you assume that children will come into your life when you think or want them to? (Of course we all know that for fertile people, children do come into their lives relatively when they want them to, which is just a cruel joke on the rest of us.)

I have a whole other post rattling around in my head about becoming pregnant again (I'm not, just in general). Bottom line, I'd love to have more children... I always said that I wanted three. But far be it for me to just assume that since we got pregnant with no help one time, that it will ever happen again. I actually assume the opposite- that Maryanne was just a miraculous fluke and that we will have trouble again whenever we decide we're up for trying again. And really, "trying" for us in the future will probably be way "less" than we did before. Maryanne is a huge answered prayer, and while we would totally welcome more children, she has filled the gaping hole in our hearts. Any more kiddos would just be huge bonuses- nothing we expect.

I have always said that I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, and that is still true, but I wish there was a way to make fertile people truly grateful for their fertility and see it as the phenominal GIFT that it is, and not have them all take it for granted in the huge way that they all do.


Lady Grey said...

Oh it is so easy for others to plan. I agree, it would be wonderful if there was a way to help people apreciate what they have. I'm so glad you understand what a gift Maryanne is! Love LG

Becky said...

Yes, yes, yes!!! I completely agree with everything you said and feel the same way. One of the most frustrating things for me now that I am a mom is to be around other moms and hear them plan their next child down to the exact month they will be pregnant and the sex of the baby. As you said, I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, but oh how I wish people would understand that every child is a gift from God and conceiving is not within their control. Still when these same people get pregnant the exact month they planned to, I wrestle with why God allows certain people the illusion of control.

the misfit said...

You know, that's funny. I totally see where your friend is coming from - I think she's absolutely right and it's prudent to assume that they'll have very small children for many years. (Doesn't mean she had to be snotty about it.) But the very fact that that IS practical and sensible is what's galling, right? OF COURSE she should assume that. OF COURSE she shouldn't plan for a life with one child, or few children, or widely-spaced children. OF COURSE her daughter will not be an only child. Frankly, she would be irresponsible to act otherwise - because those lucky fertile people live in a reality that seems offensively presumptuous to us, but it's not presumptuous at all, is it? She's just acknowledging what's true. She'll never have trouble. She'll never have to wait. She can probably schedule her pregnancy. She'll never know how incredibly precious is all that she takes for granted. It's not fair...but it's true. Funny thing.

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I agree with the misfit's comment above. It ALWAYS seems to me that people who think that way and live in such a clueless and naive world have it work out for them. I am sure this is just my outlook on things, but it always seems this way to me, as well. I was just having a discussion with one of my best friends the other day (she has been very caring and has always listened to all of my struggles with fertility over the past three years, and the cool thing about her is that she just empathizes and doesn't even try to pretend to understand). She and her husband are planning to start trying this month. I literally laughed at her when she told me that she has NO idea when they should have sex, what will indicate ovulation, or any of it! I told her it was a blessing to be so naive and I wish I could go back to those days.....sigh.

Praying for Hope said...

It still floors me when I see women on my birth board planning to start TTCing again at a certain time because they want a baby born in a particular month. I'm astounded that anyone can actually plan on that and expect it to come to fruition.

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

Wow, must be nice to "plan" when to ttc and and what month you want to have a baby in. Instead I'm stuck planning "since we had to purchase a new $7k ac unit we can't afford to buy a baby for another year, yay me!" Damn naive fertiles.

BrokenBirdsBees said...

And she'll get PG again at the drop of a dime. *shakes head*

I just found your blog via a search engine, BTW.