Responses are In!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Yesterday, I told (emailed) my college "friends" about our baby...

Here are the results:

Friend #1: Had her baby girl yesterday (second child). She has known about the baby for several weeks and although she says the wrong thing alot, she really tries. I give her a pass for not responding- although she did text me she got the email before she went into labor! A+ for effort :)

Friend #2: She has been supportive all along and has known about the baby for a while, so although I didn't hear from her yesterday, it's no news to her, so she also gets a pass.

Friend #3: She has not emailed me since the summer, even when her son was born in the fall, even though I specifically sent her a congratulations email when I found out from another friend. And she especially said nothing when I emailed of our struggle. Here is what she wrote:

{You two}! Congratulations!! What wonderful news - thanks so much for sharing! :D I know you both must be over-the-moon excited. Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask any questions!
We will keep you in our prayers - hope you are starting to feel better!

Okay, she gets an F for being supportive through the struggle, but I think I give her an A for effort at this point, so I think her overall grade will be a B-. I scoffed a tiny bit at the notion that she knows so much about being a mom and I know nothing so I should ask questions, but maybe I don't know everything. Haha.

Friend #4: I have not heard from her since she blanket emailed last spring 3 weeks after her daughter was born. Seriously, I don't even know why I copy her on these emails anymore.

Friend #5: THE INSTIGATOR!!! I must have checked my email 200 times yesterday morning to see if she had responded. See, I have all the fertile emails go to a special folder that doesn't get checked by my phone so I have to manually check this folder. (Yes, that was my coping mechanism the last 4 years...) Luckily, she did respond and it is plenty of blog material. Here is what she wrote:

Oh {A}! Congratulations! We're so happy for you!
I know that through my silence I've been seemingly less than supportive but I've been thinking of you a lot over the last several months. I really can't tell you how happy I am that your dream is finally coming true.
I can't expect that you don't already know that I too am pregnant and due at the end of the month. At first, I was too stunned by your reaction to {friend's} news to want to follow her just a few weeks later with the same news which was a bit selfish on my part and then it just became very awkward. I've thought about telling you many times (including drafting an e-mail just last week) but never could decide the correct way or time or words and for that I'm truly sorry.

Hopefully, you'll follow typical trends and the nausea and insomnia will start to subside for you in the coming weeks. I didn't actually believe {the other girls} that it would happen but it eventually did.
I hope that things continue to progress well for you and everyone stays healthy and I'll be thinking and praying for you all that they do.

{friend #5}
P.S. I like that you get to continue the trend of one or more of the 8 of us being pregnant all the time which I know has been hard for you over the years but you get to be the one to keep it going. Kind of exciting!

I can't wait to hear your reactions!!! Here are mine:
  • "seemingly less than supportive but I've been thinking of you": Um. Look, support is perceived by the person in the struggle, and if you have just been thinking of me and I have no idea, there is no way I know what you are thinking, and so you have definitely been the complete opposite of supportive, as far as I am concerned. None of this "seemingly" crap.
  • "can't expect you don't already know": HAAAAAA. How lame do you have to be to know that someone else knows your "secret" and not fess up yourself? I mean, come on.
  • "too stunned by your reaction": Oh, so it's my fault that you didn't tell me? Of course it is! And what reaction? My email, while it may have followed someone else's pregnancy announcement was just another announcement of the less happy kind. Don't blame this on me, missy.
  • "a bit selfish on my part": I am not sure I understand what this means. Not to mention, you DID tell everyone else a week later even though I'd asked to be included, so I don't even know why it matters if it was selfish or not. And really, I don't think it was selfish- you got pregnant when you did, and it was just bad timing, relative to the fact that I just told all of them about our struggle.
  • "then it just became very awkward": YA THINK?
  • "could never decide the correct way or time or words": Let's see, how about when you told everyone else by email and maybe words like "we have been blessed with the gift of a child". Or something.
  • "I'm truly sorry": I am not totally convinced.
  • "hopefully nausea and insomnia will subside": Maybe they will and maybe they won't, but as I wrote in my email yesterday, I have treasured feeling this way. I don't care if I'm uncomfortable the entire time- this journey and this baby are such blessings and there is no WAY I'm complaining!
  • "one of us always being pregnant": Yep, you read that right- for the last almost 4 years, at least one of them has been pregnant at any given day of the year. And lucky for me I get to continue the competition!! OH GOODY. Somehow, I just don't see the excitement of being involved in this running tally.
She gets an F---- for being supportive, and this email gets a C. Too many insinuations that her predicament is my fault, and not enough apologetic begging. Hahahaha. I hope her baby gets here fine, but other than that she is not going to be on speed dial (nor was she ever)....

Friend #6: She has not responded. I think hers will also be good blog material because she is the one who told me not to push the others away just because they had kids and I didn't. Which was obviously not what I was doing, and I was really taken aback by her admonishing. Will keep you posted....

Friend #7: (Now engaged!!!! Congrats, H!!) She has known about the baby since the day after the BFP, and she is AWESOME. Here is what she wrote:

Yay! Good email!

A+ friend, all around :)


Okay! Let me know your reactions!!!


suchagoodegg said...

Of all the things #5 said, the "too stunned by your reaction" bit really got under my skin. So passive aggressive!

At any rate, you put it out there, you got their responses, now you don't have to waste any more time thinking about this task! It's no longer hanging over you. Hope that part feels goooooooood. And I'm glad a couple of them were pretty supportive!!! xoxo

Leah said...

I agree with what you said on friend 5. She seemed to blame you for the ackwardness, and that's not fair. The truth is, life is what it is. And what life was, is that you were struggling to conceive. That in no way allows her to hide her pregnancy from you, or make you feel bad about mourning your struggles.

Melissa said...

I often found that when friends find out your finally pregnant after battling IF - like with Friend #3- they think IF is just behind you, something you can brush off. So, the fact of the matter is, we will always carry IF with us & most likely your friend probably thinks she can stop/worrying about IF.

Friend #5 is fired. I agree with suchagoodegg...she's SO passive aggresive. Grrr.

In my honest opinion, I say keep the friends who truly do care about you & will continue to be there for you before & after IF.

Bridget said...

I say ditch the ones who weren't supportive and keep the great ones around. It's times like this you figure out who your real friends are!

Coco said...

(Okay, I just left a big long response and it got lost in cyberspace... so if it shows up again later, delete it cause it's the same as this one. Haha.)

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe her! She is clearly just trying to save face and make herself look good. Her "apology" is meant to make YOU feel bad, and somehow indebted to her. Grrr. Instead of just apologizing for being an appalling friend, she wants you to apologize to her for making things awkward by struggling with IF. Unbelievable. Everything she said made my skin crawl. And her apology was comparable to having someone slap you in the face and then say "sorry that your face hit my hand... could've been either of us really, the timing was just the way my hand really hurts where your face hit it." P.L.E.A.S.E.!!! Life is hard, and there are always struggles, you don't need someone like that around to drag you down.

I'm SO sorry that you have to deal with sewage right now, or at all. She was a real part of your life once and her betrayal has to hurt. I'm so sorry for that. I think that you should give this "friendship" (and some others too!!!) more and more breathing room until they are far past the horizon. Only you can decide what to do here, but now is the perfect time. Life is in transition, and you have every "excuse" to be a little flakey. Just don't reach out, and respond less and less to their reaches. They'll be gone in no time, and no hard feelings. Plus, when you do get to hold that beautiful baby in your arms, you don't want him/her to witness someone treating their mother in this way. Protect your baby from such awful examples of friendship and only allow people around you that are loving and supportive. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Good luck and know that we're all behind you. *hugs*

AL said...

ugh. 'seemingly unsupportive'. friend #5, you were not supportive. if the person who needs support isn't feeling any, then there isn't any.

Also I hate her blaming everything on you, grrrr.

keep the good friends close and the fake ones (like #5) at arm's length!

callmemama said...

I don't know what friend #5's problem is...but she sounds like a completely self-absorbed person, and probably not worth the effort to maintain the friendship. Harsh, yes, but sometimes these things are necessary to our emotional health!

the misfit said...

I give that friend a straight B for her response, but only because she already gets a C- as a human being.

In my view, her interpretation makes flawless sense if you happened to be a two-dimensional supporting character in a made-for-Lifetime movie about people's responses to the main character's pregnancy announcement. In other words, if nothing that you say ever has any relevance to anything other than the pregnancies of others, then "shocked at your response" makes perfect sense. If, on the other hand, your words can be supposed to be a form of communication to your (supposed) friends about what's going on in your life and what's important to you, then her interpretation is nonsense. I guess the question for me is, "If I was obliged to respond to X's pregnancy announcement because it was something relevant happening in her life, were you obliged to respond to my email because it was something relevant happening in mine? Or do I only deserve friendship insofar as it is a direct response to a pregnancy announcement?"

Just my $.02 :).

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

It sounds like for the most part, you knew what to expect and how to brace. I think it just goes to show who your real friends are and who you really want involved in your pregnancy and in your future LO's life.

fertilelychallengedblacksheep said...

Goodbye Friend #5. She just doesn't get it nor care to get it. Oh gee, now I can come clean and admit how insensitive I've been (but not really admit it) because now you're knocked up just like me. What a relief it must have been to her that you were pregnant. What the heck would she have done if you weren't?

You know I get that it's difficult for people who don't understand; they're afraid to do or say the wrong thing. But a good friend puts her own feelings aside and tries, even if she doesn't get it right all the time, like Friend #1. None of this "avoid the problem and hope it goes away" crap.

I'm glad you got some support. As for the others, hey, you already knew they were best left behind, but you did the adult thing and told them. A++ to you.

Adele said...

My reaction is that you are a very fair - and astute - grader. The "stunned" bit kind of took me aback. Awkward. Yup. But not because of you:)

Trisha said...

Wow, that's pretty interesting! I think your perspective is spot on. I just hope they will step up and support you, if that's what you wish, as you go through this pregnancy.

waiting and wishing said...

"not enough apologetic begging" I love this... I feel this way all.the.time!