My heart has been kind of heavy lately about infertility. I don't know if this seems two-faced of me to say, given the baby girl we've been blessed with, but except for the few people who seem to have amnesia about how much they struggled, once an infertile, always an infertile.
It just sucks how hard it is for us to become pregnant, and meanwhile there are naive, oblivious, fertile people who boldly announce when they're going to begin trying for another baby so that he/she can be born in whatever month they fancy. I would never dream of making such a proclamation. I mean how is it even possible that these people get things to work out so perfectly?
There are people who are on my WTE board who are already pregnant again. Granted, I haven't even had a period yet, but I can't help but wonder if we will ever conceive again. I absolutely loved being pregnant and giving birth- will I get to experience it another time? Far be it from me to say things like "when we have another" or other crazy things of that nature.
My next sister has been wanting to have a baby for a while, and while I suspect her husband is not totally on board, I imagine they might start trying sometime soon. I would love for her to let me in on when they start, so I can cheer her on especially when she's disappointed, but she is a pretty private person, and I don't know if she will tell me. And then of course there is the reality that most of the world's population doesn't have any disappointment associated with trying for a baby- there is just the one missed period and the following obviously positive test. I have said it many times before: I would never wish infertility on anyone. But will I feel any kind of infertile yuckiness if they hit a home run the first time they come up to bat?
It's just amazing to me that these things still run through my head, even as our daughter is here. But they do, and I doubt they will ever stop. Infertility just seeps so deep that you can't ever get rid of it, I don't think.
8 comments:
Infertility sucks when you can't get pregnant (obvious), if you ever do get pregnant (guilt), and after you are pregnant (guilt and fear). You are not alone... Oh, and the first period is no biggie but the second one - geez, it's a doozy (anecdotal evidence from my friends and me).
When you encounter a situation or a life experience that shakes you to the core, the lessons you learn from it are not easily forgotten. It's normal. And it serves as a reminder to give some extra kisses to that sweet baby girl.
I'm still that way more than a year later. I have a toddler, but I still consider myself infertile. I will say that it helped me to thoroughly enjoy the pregnancy and labor inspite of the horrible heartburn and, during the actual delivery, the vomiting. There's good and bad with IF. I wish the good part weren't so fleeting.
I bet you'll be very upset if it's easy for her. Not because you want it to be hard, but because if she never has to suffer for it, then she's got something even bigger than a baby right away: innocence. The innocence all of us lost by the time we started to say, "What if God doesn't have it in mind to fulfill the most beautiful and best desires of my heart, for no reason that I can discern?" That's why other people's second and third and fourth babies make little difference to me; but the honeymoon baby kills, because that girl views motherhood and pregnancy with wonder, and I view the whole business - whatever the outcome - as hell on earth. She sees God's bounty and cooperation in His creation of new life; I see God's deafness (when He believes it appropriate, for reasons that are no doubt His prerogative to entertain) to the suffering of His creatures and utter caprice in handing out the gift of new life. I know I'm right, but in that particular way, it would be nice to be wrong.
Er. I seem to up the ante on negativity. Sorry about that.
Yes, once an infertile, always an infertile. I'm overwhelmingly grateful for Cheeks but it still hurts to get pregnancy announcements and hear other Moms talk about their plans for their family. I have no plans...I have wishes, and hopes, and dreams, but no real belief that it will come true. The feeling is just getting worse as I get closer to Cheeks' 1 yr bday...the time I'd like to get pregnant with no. 2.
Yes, it is understandable. Dreams have come true, but dreams have been lost along the way. Oh how wonderful the life of the innocent must be!
I'm a new reader and stumbled across your blog when looking at other infertility blogs. I can tell you that I completely understand and have been where you are. Although you never know what life's plan holds for you.
To give you some encouragement...
For us, it took 9 YEARS, yes 9, to finally conceive our son through IVF at the age of 35. Never saw that coming. Still bitter at all those easily prego people who don't have to deal with or worry about miscarriage. The feeling never goes away. 9 years is a LONG time to wait. Then when my son was 14 months old, without any menstrual cycles we found we were magically pregnant with baby #2 naturally. Baby is healthy. It just showed me that you never know what can happen and to have faith. Hang in there and remember it's okay to have those feelings, just don't let it overtake you. Wishing you the best in your continued journey...
I completely agree. Those feelings seem to always be there, some days not as strong, other days unbearable. You are definitely not alone though! Just came across your blog on PAIL by the way. :)
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