Pity party: You're Invited

Saturday, August 10, 2013

As I texted a friend yesterday: "I'm so done with reproductive nonsense."

When I last posted (argh, I know it was nearly 2 months ago), it was mid-June.  At the end of June, we went on a week vacation with my parents/extended family of my mom's side.  We found out the hard way that we will NEVER vacation with my uncle AGAIN.  Obnoxious, and unapologetic are a gross understatement.  That and a few other factors made for a fairly stressful week.  Did I mention that I was supposed to ovulate while we were there?  I had just written off the cycle, because you-know-what is not going to happen on a camping trip with the fam. 

But then we get back and the day I'm expecting my period to come comes and goes.  {The past year or so, I've had one cycle as short as 26 days, and others as long as 31.  I haven't been tracking ovulation so to speak.}  A week comes and goes.  Given the hilarious track record I have with hpt's, I waited until I thought, well what the hell, maybe ovulation waited for us to make up for lost time in the forest.  HAHAHA.  What a joke.  Of course it was negative.  I waited a few more days.  The second hpt was negative, to.  OBVIOUSLY.  Finally, I think on day 40 or 41, I started spotting in the evening.  I have never been so glad to start a new cycle.

Fast forward a little, and I was getting some "nice conditions" a little earlier than I expected, but Mr. A wasn't feeling well, so there was no taking advantage.  Then I went to visit my sister on cd13, but was back in time for some getting together with Mr. A on cd 14 and 15.  No biggie, as much as I would love another little one, I am just emotionally not up for all the hyper-tracking of cycles anymore. 

And then here comes all the stupidity that is just burning a hole in the nice little hakunamata bubble I have carefully crafted around myself.  The afternoon of cd17, what do I see upon an innocent trip to pee?  Blood-streaked cm!! 

The "spotting", but really let's call it light bleeding since it is nearly a normal pad's worth each day, has pretty much been red/orange since then (it's cd20 now), and I am just pissed.

In the rare chance that I have been able to coerce myself in being content with M and forgiving my sorry you-know-what body for being so uncooperative with the sibling situation, and after being so regular (in general), now my backward reproductive system decides to go and be all weird with the cycle length!?  Give me a break.  I have just gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for not having any more kids- I do not need to have to forgive myself for some random, unannounced, and unwelcome imbalance or problem or malady that all of a sudden comes down the road.

Before you go and say, OOH MAYBE IT'S IMPLANTATION, just stop yourself.   Of course there are hail mary stories of people who had gushes of blood and ended up with a healthy bouncing baby, but on the whole, in my limited understanding, I've had way more and way redder "spotting" (haha) than is normal for that.  And also, since the earliest we could have conceived is cd14, unless we have a speed racer in there, cd17 is too early for any of that craziness.


I'm not even upset at the idea that there will be no BFP this time.  I have made fairly appreciable progress in the idea of having only one child.  It's just that if I have had to accept that something isn't working right to make babies, then I think it is just laughably cruel that all of a sudden I'm going to be all irregular. 

My aunt said to call my midwife on Monday if I'm still bleeding, since the last two cycles have been weird.  I just don't even want to deal with it.  I don't want to deal with having bloodwork.  I don't want to deal with more appointments.  I was done with all that stuff.  I had accepted the quiet little one-child family life.  Stupid infertility, just let me have my normal cycles and leave me alone!!

1 comment:

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry...I know how frustrating it is to expect your body to do one thing and then it totally throws a curveball your way and does something crazy. You have every right to be upset...give yourself some time. But really, if things are still a little whacky it couldn't hurt to get things checked out...just in case there is some underlying cause for all the craziness. (hugs)