I knew the day would come, but I hadn't really prepared myself as actively as I'd wanted (mostly because I didn't know they were trying)... my sister is having another baby.
She called a couple weeks ago to tell me she was 12w along, and all I could say, over and over again, is "You are so lucky." She kept saying, "I know, I know."
I cried off and on the rest of the day. Alot of people I know are having their second (or third, etc) babies now, but this is my sister. My nephew gets to be a big brother. Meanwhile, M has to pretend her dolls are her sisters. (Which she has started to do, without my prompting- one is her sister and one is my sister, and they are also sisters (haha), and she takes them everywhere...)
Mr. A is so solidly unmoved by families adding more kids to themselves, it's a lifesaver. He ran down the list of reasons why it is great to have (and/or be) and only child, and I would repeat them to myself dozens of times in the next 2 days. Many are materialistic, like being able to give her really nice toys and clothes, send her to a private school with excellent standing in the community, and pay for her college, etc... but subconsciously those are difficult for me because they are why my mom crucified families with only one kid- when I was younger, she would say "they just had one kid so they could take fancy vacations", "how selfish of them to just have one child so they can live in a bigger house", "too bad they didn't give their child a sibling".
After some journaling and praying, because feeling the weight of being left behind/infertile, when clearly we've been given M already, brings up guilt and confusion all its own, I came up with this: I am not longing for another baby for myself. M is 100% enough for us- we prayed for a child to fill the hole in our family, and she has filled the hole a hundred times over and more. I think at this point, after seeing my friends' kids "get" a sibling, I would love another baby for M. I would love for her to have a ready-made playmate, instead of standing at the front door willing the neighbor kids to come bursting out of their door. I don't want her to be lonely. I want her to be able to say "this is my sister (or brother)" and see the proud smile on her face and see an actual sister or brother and not her doll.
Of course for as many people who are super close to their siblings (me), there are those who are not close or even at distinct odds with their siblings, so my assumption that M and a hypothetical sibling would have the kind of relationship I have with my sibs is definitely not a certainty.
I wrote in my journal for her: "You are more than enough for us; I hope we are enough for you."
Fast forward a few days, and I was a couple days past my usual new-cycle day. It is interesting how you can rationalize with yourself and convince yourself of varying situations, because when I realized I was late-ish (of course any giddy-ness about being a couple days late is long gone by this point in time!!), I started thinking, well how are we going to save as much for two college educations?... we'll have to start full time childcare all over again...and on! I laughed because only days before, I had had to convince myself of the glory in easily saving for M's college and being on our last leg of childcare!!
And of course, I had nothing to worry about because obviously I wouldn't be pregnant (CD 6 today), and I am grateful to genuinely feel happy and content with M as our only lovebug. I pray that God will bless our relationship so that we can do, and enjoy together, really cool mother-daughter things that maybe we wouldn't be able to do if He'd given me a new baby every 2 years.
I am sure that my sister have another baby will bring the questions from M about where is her sister, etc., but I'm just praying God will give me grace in that moment to respond to her without losing it myself. I am grateful for the family He has created for us, and hey, Jesus turned out okay with no siblings, right? ;-)