Nerves

After surviving Saturday's egg-decorating class (complete with 8 other moms, 1 early-20's girl, and 1 8.5 months pregnant woman) without really any feelings of self-pity, and having an otherwise really nice weekend, yesterday and today have been a relative mess.

Yesterday was just 100% a hectic, when-is-this-day-going-to-be-over day. Super busy morning at work, super busy afternoon at volunteering, half an hour late for acupuncture, and getting home an hour and a half later than normal on Monday's, it's no wonder I had a headache last night. But, since starting 300iu of follistim on Saturday and still loving acupuncture, I had high hopes that my bloodwork today would be awesome.

Which brings me to today. I went and did the bloodwork this morning, and then ran some errands (bought a strawberry plant to go with our raspberry and blackberry bushes!), then happily planted some more seeds inside (zucchini, peppers, basil, lavender, and oregano), and was about to start another pair of whole wheat loaves, when my nurse called to give me the results of my estradiol level.....

....which was 27 instead of "close to 100" like they were expecting/wanting it to be.

What is the word for when the air gets knocked out of your chest?

I really can't believe it. I can't remember if I've ever had bloodwork 3 days after starting follistim, so I don't know if they have anything to compare that to in my history. Maybe I'm just a slow starter. But I am really battling hard to not feel defeated already. And I do mean battling. It is all I can do to hang on to the faith that if God has plans to bring us a baby through this, He will bring everything to pass in His perfect order and time.

I mean, I have had 3 nice looking follicles on 250iu of follistim in past cycles, so I thought I could be secure that I'll have at least that many this time, right? (By the way, my RE is upping my follistim dose to 350iu...) I guess nothing is ever for sure! I have an ultrasound on Thursday, and I'm just praying that my follies have a growth spurt by then... Is anyone out there a slow starter like me??

Meanwhile, I've been searching for foods that contain natural estrogen, and I'm pleased to see that beans and wheat and some of our favorite veggies are on the list. Guess I will eat a loaf of bread for dinner! Ha!! But, will anyone mind if I run out to get myself my own bag of sunflower seeds?

My nerves are begging for attention, and I really don't want to give in to them.

New Points

Today my acupuncturist did new points since I will be starting follistim on Saturday!

Yah. Saturday.

I am trying not to be too frustrated/disappointed/antsy-in-my-pantsy that I'm not starting the stims today (CD3), but if this helps them manage those of us in the same parts of our cycle, so they can pay extra attention to our little ones in the nursery, then that is fine with me.

Plus, I am confident that God is not up there scratching His head and being all out of sorts thinking "What? I could have sworn you were supposed to start today?!" Starting follistim on Saturday instead of today does not surprise Him...

So I've updated my "approximate" dates which are a little later than I originally estimated, but maybe with acupuncture I will respond better/faster anyway, so I could always be wrong!!

Praying my calendar is soon filled with ob appointments and that Jesus isn't the only baby we're anticipating this Christmas!!

Med Free

Guess what I'm doing? I'm going med-free!

No, no, no, not those meds. (Speaking of which, lupron is going fine, except I think my tummy is getting tired of the nightly puncture....little does it know that it's about to get two punctures per night!!.. follistim should start tomorrow night.... my RE will call to confirm because they don't want to start a ton of girls on stims at the same time, so they try to stagger "us"....like some people start tomorrow, some start friday, etc.)

I'm talking about cramp-fighting meds!

You read that right. I am proudly mid-day on CD2 without having taken anything for cramps so far! Are you proud of me? I am!

It all started with my acupuncturist. At our very first appointment, I didn't mark "Cramps" on the "symptom" list. She asked about it ("you don't have cramps?"), and I said, well yes, I do, but they are mild compared to what I hear others' are, so I didn't think it was anything to mark.

She went on to say that in Eastern Medicine, any pain or stress or discomfort is a sign of unbalance.

And that got tucked away in my head.

Fast forward to last Thursday, when I brought it up again. From what she had said about any pain being a sign of unbalance and that even the mildest cramps matter in Eastern Medicine, I made the shaky connection that if a person were to be 100% balanced, they would not have period cramps.

Hello, bizarro world!!!

So I asked her about it! And much to my surprise, she confirmed my suspicions!! She said that cramping is basically viewed as some sort of stagnation and that with better blood flow around the entire body, during your period blood will flow better and reduce the cramps (to nothing? I am still in sort of disbelief.). She mentioned that the traditional chinese do not even have a word for menopause symptoms- like we do here. Because of their diet, exercise, and traditional medicine, the women there did not start to experience the negative menopause symptoms until western society began to pervade their culture! Of course the dropping of hormones was always there, but because of the way they lived, they didn't have the side effects. Isn't that crazy?

So anyway, my acupuncturist has been working on kidney points for blood flow, and so I decided that I was going to put this concept to the test. Normally, I take 2 advil every about 4-6 hours for the first 3 days of my period or so.

But this time, so far, so good without pain meds!! And I do think that the cramps are less in intensity!! There were a couple times yesterday when I would have taken some advil previously, for fear that the cramps would get worse, but yesterday at those moments, I just focused on something else! Actually, one time I even focused on the cramps, to really feel how it felt. (Do you think I've lost my mind?) It was pretty neat, to be honest. I mean, we take medicine to mask the pain, but maybe it would be better to learn how to meet the pain and make our way through it!

After all, I'd love a med-free birth, and I'm pretty sure that will be a tad more uncomfortable! And I figured, this is the last time I'll feel these cramps until our baby is born, so might as well try it out now. Ha!!

So anyway, I am really enjoying this new period experience. (I'm pretty sure I have gone bonkers- did I just write that?!) I feel strong- don't need no stinkin advil!! I am so glad that my acupuncturist brought this up- I don't think it would have occurred to me to try a period without advil otherwise!!

I have a faith-based post rattling around in my head- stay tuned!!

Bread Making!

(Psst. CD1 is finally here!)

Would it help if I said that my breadmaking post was late because I wanted to get/add pictures? Well it's finally here, with pictures for your viewing!

Don't know if you remember, but we recently got a grain mill, and we have picked up our 50lb. bag of wheat berries that we ordered from the local men.nonite's, and we now have two 3-qt containers of freshly-milled whole wheat flour! (Mr. A grinds more as I use up the flour.)


I had been trying recipe after recipe of wheat bread, and none had worked very well. The main problem is getting the dough to rise. Which, from my goo.gling, is a common issue with wheat flour.

From what I can conclude from my past recipes versus the one that worked beautifully is that:

1. I was not preparing the yeast well. The packets say to sprinkle the yeast into a bowl of warm water and let it sit. Well that is all fine and good, but I don't think all the yeast was really getting dunked into the bath, so I don't think it was developed enough by the time I mixed it into the receipe. What worked was that I put the yeast in the bowl and the dumped the water on top of it. Worked much better!!

2. I don't think I (i.e. my mixer) was kneading the dough long enough, before. What worked was that "I" (see previous clarification) kneaded the dough for 10 minutes after it formed into a ball.

3. For a warm space for the bread to rise, I had always turned the oven on for a minute and then cut it off. What worked was that I added a shallow bowl of warm water on the lower rack- rose much better!

4. Previously, after the second rising, I would take the bread pan(s) out of the oven while it preheated for the bake phase. I think this made the bread cold, and so it would fall prior to the baking. This time, I left them in there (while the oven preheated to baking temperature) and just baked them for a shorter time. Bread stayed risen and lovely!

AND, the recipe I used this time was the wheat bread recipe from The Family Homestead (bread recipe here, but it's fun to check out all the links on her homepage!). (Note, I didn't have gluten flour, so I just used 5.5 cups of wheat flour. It tastes awesome- I don't know how it tastes with gluten flour, but I think it tastes excellent without it!). I am going to try some of my previous recipes with some of the situational observations listed above to see if it's those recipe's faults or what I was doing during the mixing. If I were to make a guess, I'd guess it's the latter!!

Here are some pictures of the finished product! If you notice, I don't have two loaf pans, so I have to use one of my oval pyr.ex dishes in addition to my loaf pan!




Happy breadmaking everyone!! Let me know how these suggestions help you!!

Guest Post #2!

Hi everyone! Do you remember me? I am Banana! I just wanted to write up this post in between naps this afternoon, because A was telling me how you all wanted to hear how our hike went this morning!

This morning was not like normal Saturday mornings. A woke me up early! Can you believe it? I didn't get to sleep in on the weekend!!! Then after our walk, her and Mr. A were not making normal breakfast (I know what that smells like- can you say, bacon?!)- they were putting water in jugs and getting snacks out of the cabinet. (I was right there, to clean up if any snacks made it to the floor, but no such luck....) I started to understand that they were going somewhere, so I made my way to my chair and curled up, ready for a nap while they were gone.

Imagine my glee to hear them call my name! I was getting to go, too!

But I was still not sure where we were going. Sometimes (last year) when we would go for car rides before they went away for a while, I would end up at the kennel (which I like, but not as much as being home). So I was a little nervous at first, but then I relaxed and enjoyed the car ride.

We ended up going to the forest! Do you know how many awesome things there are to smell in the forest?! I had to pee at least 3 times in all different locations in the first 10 minutes we were there, to make sure other dogs knew I had been there!

Then it was time to go walking with this big group of lively folks. I even made a doggie-friend (picture later)!! Mr. A and A got me this fancy new backpack so I could carry some of our snacks! It is nice and padded and very comfy. Here I am!


So I had an awesome time! It was absolutely 100% gorgeous weather (did you know it's the first day of spring?)!!! And I was very well behaved, except for the times I spotted a squirrel and had to let everyone in a 50-mile radius know about it.

And here is a picture of me with my doggie-friend! (I am in the front and she is the black and white pup.) Her owner is really nice young woman (who brought some friends) who invited us to go hiking with them again! I can't wait!


When we got back to the car, I was super tired. So I slept the whole way home. I didn't even ask for a piece of the hot dog that Mr. A got at the Da.iry Que.en!! But I did overhear Mr. A and A talking about what an awesome time they had and they were so glad they decided to sign up with this group! They are looking forward to going on more hikes with the group, and that would be fine with me!! It was really nice to get outside and go hiking with everyone!

And I just have to say that it makes me so happy to do fun things like this with Mr. A and A. I know that they are sad to not have any kids yet, but it is so nice to see them enjoying their time together so much. I know they are so happy. And that makes me one super excited doggie! (And I promise to be a good big sister when their kids get here!)

So anyway, I think it's about time for another nap for me. This keeping my eyes open thing isn't working out too well.

And after hiking 6-miles with my backpack today, I sure hope A lets me sleep in tomorrow!!!

TGIF randoms

• I have really been trying to be more present at work, and that is why my posting and commenting have not been so, well, present!! I just caught up on everyone, though!!
• I also think I am still feeling a little stuck in the middle of thought versus reality. I find myself thinking, this seems too easy-
  
• Acupuncture was amazing yesterday- wow, I could have stayed there for hours!
• Eating more "whole" foods has been going well! Thank you to everyone who suggested great oatmeal recipes!!
• I think God is preparing me to receive the completion of this path and give a testimony about it to my fellow volunteers at the pregnancy center. It is something that kept coming to me Wednesday afternoon and a little bit yesterday at acupuncture. I hope that it includes my giving my testimony while carrying our little one, but I have just been asking God to show me more about the testimony He will have me give!!!
  
• We are going on a hike tomorrow with a hiking group we joined recently- we hope it's fun and that there are some new friends to be made! We even got Banana her own doggie hiking pack! It is so cute- will have to get a picture!
  
• I think there are people who used to read that don't anymore because we are trying IVF. Should I take them off my bloglist? (Not that I don't want/appreciate people who have differing opinions, but if they aren't feeling like they want to associate with me, then I feel like why am I making the time to try to force the "friendship"..? I'd love to be friends with everyone, but this is sort of a related to how I felt about/dealt with my acquaintance N...)
  
• CD1 should be any day now (due today). Let's not dilly dally. We have a show to get on the road!!
• I am going to start some seedlings for our garden today!! We are directly planting peas, spinach, and lettuce this weekend, but I'll be starting tomatoes, cantelopes, and broccoli's today!!!
  
• Bread making (from our freshly-ground wheat) has been going GREAT. I know I said I was going to write a post about it, and there is one in the making, but it's not finished yet!
• I added some new faces to my bloglist (Dear God, we want a baby, Adam & Julia, Going for it, Below Average Athlete, and His Plan not Mine) and rearranged some of us. I feel like my bloglist is really long, but I love reading/knowing each of you!!!
  

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Networking (edited)

We have lived here for less than 5 years. In that time, they only people I've really "met" (other than the wives of Mr. A's coworkers) are the people I volunteer with at the pregnancy center. And they are all at least 15 years older than me. Not that being that age is a bad thing....

I went to a mini-retreat recently, and if you can believe it, I think there were only three of us under the age of 75.... the three of us being me, and two other 50-year old's. Not that being that age is a bad thing....

But one of my goals is to make more friends this year and really put more feelers out. So I was trying not to be (too) discouraged.

So while I was talking with one of the 50-year old's at the retreat, she mentioned that she regularly does 10-mile runs and that she wanted to do a marathon this year. (She is exactly the athletic petite I-love-my-spinning-class 50-year old you are imagining.) My ears perked up- a marathon! I told her I've done two and that it's an experience of a lifetime. Guess what? She gave me her email in case I wanted to run with her sometime!! I gladly took it and plan on sending her an email to followup and let her know that I probably won't be starting to run long distances again anytime very soon (some medication coming up, of course), and that we will be having our first baby in December, so would she like to meet for coffee (regular, until CD1!) instead?

THEN. Last night we had an inservice for volunteering and we got to meet the volunteers in the current training class! And, miracle of miracles, one of the new girls at my table is a mid-late twenties married girl with no kids!!! She asked me if I thought she would be at a disadvantage in counseling since she didn't have any kids. I took that opportunity to tell her no, we don't have any kids, and we are actually desperately trying to have kids, and I still don't feel any trouble counseling our clients. God has been so faithful to me in helping me leave my personal struggles at the door. This girl ("S") was really sweet and said she would pray for us, and that they are starting to throw the idea of kids around, too. (Gulp.) I gave her my email in case she had any questions about volunteering or wanted to meet up sometime!

THEN. I was talking to a current volunteer who goes to a church we've been to several times recently (and are thinking about joining), and she said she is having a get together in a couple weeks at her house- an artist friend of her does the fancy egg decorating and is doing a workshop!! My friend said "It is mostly moms, but.........(long pause)...... not all." (Gulp.) But I figured, oh what the heck. I love going to church and seeing faces I know, and that is something that is so missing right now, so maybe I can handle a morning of mom talk amidst trying to paint an egg. How hard can it be? (I will link back here after I get home from that in tears!! Hahahaha)

So as I got in my car to come home last night, it occurred to me that I've actually been blessed with several opportunities to make more friends recently!! I feel really good about that. I hope some of these prospective friendships work out!! (And Mr. A and I joined a backpacking/hiking group and we are going to our first outing with them this weekend- we are hoping that there are some young couples there, too!) (Do we qualify as a young couple? Haha!)

And the other thing that surprised me as I was reflecting on last night was how easily I brought out our infertility to S. I was just telling my mom on Sunday that it is so hard for me to open up about it to strangers, but that is exactly what I did last night. I was telling my mom that I usually feel like no one really wants to process such a "heavy" topic when they don't even know anything else about you, but S was so gracious and comforting. Thank you God, for bringing both of us there last night!

In networking situations, what is your normal inclination about opening up about infertility? Have there been any exceptions to the rule?

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Edited to add that "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility" used MY suggestion as her #790th reason! WOW! Go check it out!