So Happy

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while, and I think today is a great day for it. I am hoping that no one thinks I'm just being delirious or in an awful state of denial, but this has been on my heart for a long time, and since it has made a world of difference to me, especially in the last 24 hours, I am ever the more inspired to write about it this morning.

Even though our first IUI didn't work (anyone notice I never attached "#1" to the IUI before?), I have been so happy and lighthearted and uplifted in the last 24 hours. You think I have lost my mind? Here is why: God has given me an aaaaaawesome husband.

It is dinners/nights like last night that soothe any open wounds on my heart about not having kids yet. We decided to take it easy and order pizza (actually we got the deal from Domin.o's with one pizza and a brea.dbowl pasta, and I had the pasta, and it was GREAT), but we had so much fun eating together. Most dinners are actually that way to be honest, I usually catch myself at least once have a sort of out of body experience where I'm kind of looking at us eating and thinking, wow, this is perfect! Last night our conversation was so fun, and at least twice we found ourselves doubled over with belly laughs!! I am beaming right now just remembering. Then after dinner we put in a DVD of one of our favorite series'es (sp?) which prompted yet more healing laughter. Like honest to goodness, laughing that comes from being so comforted and so safe and so loved.

It's not like we didn't talk about the cycle not working. We have prayerfully considered what directions we're feeling led towards, and Mr. A has considered our savings and budget for next year and come up with a general idea of what avenues we'll take. (As if our plans matter... hehe.) I am confident in his leading the way on this- I know it's not very modern, but I love that he is the leader of our family already. I love to respect him in this manner and see how faithfully and honorably he responds. A few months ago, we got a mailing from the local food bank that wrote about how 43,000 kids in our area are experiencing hunger this fall. He immediately exclaimed, "43,000 kids?!?!" As I've written before, we're on a set cash-only budget that accounts for every cent of our income per month, so extra's like this are not really allowed for. (We do have charitable donations built in, but not to this particular food bank.) And he said that we should send in $100 immediately. It was one of those "be still my heart" moments. I am so proud to be his wife!

Anyway, what I'm trying to convey is that alot of times, and especially in the last day, I am pretty much overcome with how happy I am right now. Of course we are praying for our child to come hang out, but God has blessed our marriage SO MUCH in the meantime. It is times like last night that I feel confident that if God chooses not to bless us with children, we will embrace that calling with all the gusto and happiness we can find there. (Although I believe that if He has placed the desire to be a mom in your heart, He will fulfill it in some way.) Think of all the things we could become involved in to help others!! It is times like today that I really reflect on what a blessing it is to have a great marriage that is so full of grace. It is times like today that I am so reminded of the blessings that we've been given that allow our hearts to be so happy and hopeful and calm in the face of disappointment.

We are certainly prayerful that our marriage will be blessed with children. I really honestly think one of these upcoming cycles will be blessed. But in the meantime, we are loving the place God has us right now. We are learning so much about trusting His will and His timing for baby blessings. We are being washed with thankfulness for having peace right now.

I know it might seem like I am a little unnaturally positive. Haha! I get that alot. Ha! I'm serious! People don't have to be around me too long to make some observation of that! But it is such a gift from God, even if it makes me naive sometimes. When I read blogs of people who are so burdened and so down, it just stings my heart. I have been given a great gift of faith and trust, and I immediately feel called to pray for you whose hearts are low, that God would give you peace and happiness for where you're at. Of course this doesn't mean I don't hope for kids (don't even get me started on how much hope I have!), but I really think they key to surviving this journey is seeking (or trying to anyway, one of my struggles is to read Him correctly all the time!) what God would have you to be doing right now and then being at peace with that. Just because He's not answering your prayers the way you want them answered doesn't mean He's not working in your life. If you knew how He was working, wouldn't you want to embrace that and want to live that to the fullest?! Like yah, I get to be a part of God's plan, even though it might not be mine right now! All right!!

So anyway, this weekend before Thanksgiving, I really encourage you to happily embrace where God has you. Go lay one on your sweetie. Go smother your dog with a rib-squeezing hug. We are all longing for kids (well, if you're pregnant now and reading this, I'm pretty sure you were at one point), but God is longing for our companionship and for our active role in His plan TODAY. Rejoice that He has a plan for you today and for every day! It makes me so happy that He loves me so much that He has a part specifically for me to play, and you better believe I'll want to do my best in that role!!

Edited to add: I hope I don't seem like I'm bragging or anything, because that was totally not my intent! I'm sure I will have down days again, but I just wanted to celebrate the peaceful feeling while it's here :)