So Happy

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while, and I think today is a great day for it. I am hoping that no one thinks I'm just being delirious or in an awful state of denial, but this has been on my heart for a long time, and since it has made a world of difference to me, especially in the last 24 hours, I am ever the more inspired to write about it this morning.

Even though our first IUI didn't work (anyone notice I never attached "#1" to the IUI before?), I have been so happy and lighthearted and uplifted in the last 24 hours. You think I have lost my mind? Here is why: God has given me an aaaaaawesome husband.

It is dinners/nights like last night that soothe any open wounds on my heart about not having kids yet. We decided to take it easy and order pizza (actually we got the deal from Domin.o's with one pizza and a brea.dbowl pasta, and I had the pasta, and it was GREAT), but we had so much fun eating together. Most dinners are actually that way to be honest, I usually catch myself at least once have a sort of out of body experience where I'm kind of looking at us eating and thinking, wow, this is perfect! Last night our conversation was so fun, and at least twice we found ourselves doubled over with belly laughs!! I am beaming right now just remembering. Then after dinner we put in a DVD of one of our favorite series'es (sp?) which prompted yet more healing laughter. Like honest to goodness, laughing that comes from being so comforted and so safe and so loved.

It's not like we didn't talk about the cycle not working. We have prayerfully considered what directions we're feeling led towards, and Mr. A has considered our savings and budget for next year and come up with a general idea of what avenues we'll take. (As if our plans matter... hehe.) I am confident in his leading the way on this- I know it's not very modern, but I love that he is the leader of our family already. I love to respect him in this manner and see how faithfully and honorably he responds. A few months ago, we got a mailing from the local food bank that wrote about how 43,000 kids in our area are experiencing hunger this fall. He immediately exclaimed, "43,000 kids?!?!" As I've written before, we're on a set cash-only budget that accounts for every cent of our income per month, so extra's like this are not really allowed for. (We do have charitable donations built in, but not to this particular food bank.) And he said that we should send in $100 immediately. It was one of those "be still my heart" moments. I am so proud to be his wife!

Anyway, what I'm trying to convey is that alot of times, and especially in the last day, I am pretty much overcome with how happy I am right now. Of course we are praying for our child to come hang out, but God has blessed our marriage SO MUCH in the meantime. It is times like last night that I feel confident that if God chooses not to bless us with children, we will embrace that calling with all the gusto and happiness we can find there. (Although I believe that if He has placed the desire to be a mom in your heart, He will fulfill it in some way.) Think of all the things we could become involved in to help others!! It is times like today that I really reflect on what a blessing it is to have a great marriage that is so full of grace. It is times like today that I am so reminded of the blessings that we've been given that allow our hearts to be so happy and hopeful and calm in the face of disappointment.

We are certainly prayerful that our marriage will be blessed with children. I really honestly think one of these upcoming cycles will be blessed. But in the meantime, we are loving the place God has us right now. We are learning so much about trusting His will and His timing for baby blessings. We are being washed with thankfulness for having peace right now.

I know it might seem like I am a little unnaturally positive. Haha! I get that alot. Ha! I'm serious! People don't have to be around me too long to make some observation of that! But it is such a gift from God, even if it makes me naive sometimes. When I read blogs of people who are so burdened and so down, it just stings my heart. I have been given a great gift of faith and trust, and I immediately feel called to pray for you whose hearts are low, that God would give you peace and happiness for where you're at. Of course this doesn't mean I don't hope for kids (don't even get me started on how much hope I have!), but I really think they key to surviving this journey is seeking (or trying to anyway, one of my struggles is to read Him correctly all the time!) what God would have you to be doing right now and then being at peace with that. Just because He's not answering your prayers the way you want them answered doesn't mean He's not working in your life. If you knew how He was working, wouldn't you want to embrace that and want to live that to the fullest?! Like yah, I get to be a part of God's plan, even though it might not be mine right now! All right!!

So anyway, this weekend before Thanksgiving, I really encourage you to happily embrace where God has you. Go lay one on your sweetie. Go smother your dog with a rib-squeezing hug. We are all longing for kids (well, if you're pregnant now and reading this, I'm pretty sure you were at one point), but God is longing for our companionship and for our active role in His plan TODAY. Rejoice that He has a plan for you today and for every day! It makes me so happy that He loves me so much that He has a part specifically for me to play, and you better believe I'll want to do my best in that role!!

Edited to add: I hope I don't seem like I'm bragging or anything, because that was totally not my intent! I'm sure I will have down days again, but I just wanted to celebrate the peaceful feeling while it's here :)

11 comments:

JC said...

That was a beautiful and inspiring post, thank you! I'm glad your hubby is so wonderful to you and you are in a happy place even though it's not "your plan". Hopefully one of these cycles will work very soon. =)

Nicole said...

I'm glad you are in such a good spot right now, what a blessing! And what wisdom and perspective. Make sure you hold on to it, no matter how far your IF road takes you- it will be such a source of strength if you can. And I'm glad you and DH are so happily in love. I don't know how we IFers would ever get through this without amazing spouses. :)

AplusB said...

I'm so glad you are at such peace right now and appreciate your hubby the way you do! Especially during these tough times, it's easy to take our loved ones for granted. It's great that you are so grounded and thankful for the blessings we do have right now!

Jane said...

Thank you for this post. I'm going to think about it and refer back to it when I'm feeling especially down. Your hope and faith are inspiring.

julie said...

What an uplifting post! I have little surges of positivity but they usually don't last that long. Im happy for you and hope that your warm spirit can spread to us all and help us find a little more peace. (-:

Priscilla said...

You inspire me!! A lot!! You have an amazing outlook on life and your post was like a sermon. Thank you. I am very touched by your words. Also your account of your marriage reminds me of the wonderful marriage I have been blessed with. You're right, it's SO important to be thankful for the little things like hardy laughter together in the midst of hardship!! I'm praying for you and Mr. A...you seem like you two will make amazing parents.

Hillary said...

Marriage is SUCH a blessing! I love3 this post, A, and thank you for keeping your eyes fixed on the Lord and seeking thankfulness in the midst of struggle. I, too, feel happy overall - more than I was a year ago. I feel like the Lord has grown me and blessed me. Thank you, Lord, for giving A this peace and joy! And for her husband :)

A baby for Al? said...

I love this post, esp since I know it was written in the wake of an unsuccessful IUI. It really demonstrates your strength, positive outlook on life, and just living in the moment.

I read it yesterday too and pondered it throughout the day. (My hubby's out of town and I've had plenty of time to ponder :-).) I also heard Bob Marley's Three Little Birds randomly (ya know, don't worry, about a thing. Every little thing is gonna be alright). Anyways, they both served as kind of a revelation to me, like so what if this cycle doesn't work or you go through 3 IUIs and still have no luck...well it's going to be ok. It's going to work out, I just need to focus on the bigger picture. Which I have known, but for some reason yesterday it seemed so much easier to be at peace with it all.

Jeez, I've written a novel. Hope you had a great weekend.

Baby said...

God is good.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

It isn't naive or bragging at all to reflect on the blessing you have. It is our obligation to do so. I am often so happy with just DH & I and the years we've had together and I have those "outer body" experiences, too. Reflecting on how I stumbled into this relationship with this wonderful man despite myself. Down times happen and hopefully they will pass as quickly as they came, but these blessings are here to stay.

I'm so happy you are in a peaceful place and counting your many blessing this day!

Stacey said...

This post really warms my heart! Your love for your husband and the bond you two have is special. After 11 years of marriage I am so much more in love with my husband today than I ever was. He makes me laugh every single day, and has stood by me through the horrible experiences we've had with IF/RPL. He truly is so much more than I could have ever asked for!

I thank God for the wonderful husbands who walk these paths with us. There is so much to be thankful for! As always, love your positive outlook. :)