Overdue!

I realize that I'm way overdue for a post, and I've been freakin awful at commenting!! I promise to get my rear in gear asap!!

Had another u/s this morning, and I have two 12mm's (right) and an 8mm (left). I wrote an email to my friend T when I got home that I'm initially tempted to be disappointed that the 150iu isn't making a big wonderful difference (especially to the left ovary), but I am reminded that it would be much more of a disappointment to me if I had way too many follies and they would cancel the cycle. I am thankful for not overstimming, that is for sure, and I credit my RE for taking things slowly and cautiously in this regard. So I stand grateful for my response and praying for continued success!! The lady who took my blood this morning used a regular needle and not a butterfly one, and boy can I feel the difference!!! Sheesh!! OW.

I go back for another u/s on Thursday, and my RE thinks I will be ready to trigger then. That leaves us with the option of the IUI on Friday afternoon/evening or Saturday morning (adjust trigger accordingly). What would you choose? I am leaning towards Friday for the following reasons:

• I read somewhere that the swimmers need a couple hours to get acclimated to the totally tubular (HA!!) environment and get ready to pounce. If we do the trigger Thursday afternoon at 1pm, and the IUI Friday afternoon, with ovulation happening supposedly Saturday at 1am, that gives them time to get situated.
• My RE is on call (OB) at the hospital Saturday so we have to go there for the IUI, and I'm nervous as to what happens to us if he has to go deliver a baby!! Maybe his NP will come in and help us? Also, even though I'm sure they have great consistent lab procedures, doing the IUI at the big hospital in their big lab hypothetically leaves more room for switcheroo errors (*GASP!*)... although my RE said they don't do lots of IUI's per day (esp. Saturday), so it's not like there will be 20 samples...
  

I am leaning towards Saturday for the following reasons:

• Easier for Mr. A (he won't have to take off work)
• Mr. A can be with me during the IUI itself (how romantic! ha!)
  
• If we do the trigger Thursday evening at like 11pm, with ovulation supposedly at 11am Saturday, the swimmers will be super fresh and rarin' to go.

Which would you choose? I am praying in thanksgiving that God has already gone before us here, and I am praying that we'd feel His guidance if the choice of when to trigger is indeed up to us (i.e., if my RE says that one option is not going to be better than the other).

Speaking of good ol' God...

I want to encourage everyone to continue to seek His will for their family in all respects. It's not easy, and I have not always found it so easy to volley all lack-of-child-related problems back to God. I have done alot of growing up in the last year as far as understanding what Christ mean when He said "Take up your cross and follow Me." Last year I did not understand so well. And just because God has blessed me abundantly with the gift of faith this year does not mean that anyone who is struggling with faith is any different from me. I would encourage you to pray for faith to trust God's timing in all things!

That is way easier said than done of course. And something I still struggle with sometimes.

God has really transformed my heart this year, and here are some books that He's used:

Longing for a Child- a Devotional Journal (Kathe Wunnenberg)
Prayer: Does it Make any Difference? (Philip Yancey)
Disappointment with God (Philip Yancey)
Hannah's Hope- Seeking God's Heart in the midst of IF, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss (Jennifer Saake)
Duh... The Bible
The Prayer that Changes Everything -The Hidden Power of Praising God (Stormie Omartian)
Empty Womb, Aching Heart (Marlo Schalesky)
Reaching for the Invisible God (Philip Yancey)
3:16 - The Numbers of Hope (Max Lucado)

I wholeheartedly recommend each and every one. They have all played a part in my perspective shift. Go get one today!!!

What God has infused into my life is that He is with me and that He is for me. It is easy to imagine Him so focused on someone else (whose prayers are being answered, by the way!) and imagine Him forgetting us in our darkness. But when Christ said "Take up your cross and follow Me", He did not mean that He was going to be bee-boppin' along ahead of us, without a care in the world, cruising down the highway in a convertible, while we are crawling along. Nope. I think He says "I'm going to be up here ahead of you, showing you how to suffer gracefully for someone else (I think, for my child(ren)). I'm going to show you that you.can.get.through.this. I'm going to show you that the glory on the other side (I think, once I'm a mom) will redeem your suffering. And since you need an example in all this, I'm not leaving you- I'll be in front of you the whole time, tears and all." Of course there is a whole global message, too, about salvation after death, but I think it works to apply the message to my current-day issues, too.

I absolutely cannot take credit for this transformation of heart and perspective, though. It is all through God's grace and the Holy Spirit. I just can't emphasize that enough. It is hard to have faith that God knows what He's doing, when it seems like nothing is working (the way we think it should). It is sometimes completely backwards!! And sometimes "having faith" feels hollow and fake and cliche. And that is okay. God knows we're human and will falter. He just wants us to come back soon.

I have said many times that even though I have come to a place where I can trust that God has great plans for our family, I really struggle with "hearing" Him on specific issues. I prayed to Him many nights last cycle for Him to put in my mind thoughts about last cycle. I tried to quiet my mind, and what popped back in, but visions of motherhood. Clearly, that is not what last cycle was about. (Well I'm sure it prepared me in some way, but, you know what I mean...). I am in awe of people who seem to have a direct line to what He's telling them about any given day or problem or prayer. I pine for this kind of discernment. I want so much to have one of those experiences where people pray that God will open xyz door, and guess what, it's all of a sudden totally open! I am trying to work on this aspect of my prayer life, because prayer is supposed to be a two-way "conversation", right? At this point, since there's obviously no burning bushes or pillars of clouds around here, I have begun to interpret peace as an affirmation that we're on the right track. It'll have to do for now! I pray that God will grace me with more tangible moments of His presence in the future.

Anyway, this has gotten lengthy, but I wanted to write about how I'm not some super-Christian who has had an easy time with faith along this jagged IF journey. It's been a great year for a spiritual growth spurt for me, but I did not always handle it this way. It is kind of neat to look back and see how God has allowed me to use my infertility for good. He uses all things for good if we allow Him into the situation!

I have been taking all of this into consideration and have been praying, this cycle, for more immediate ttc-related intentions. Like, at this point, I was just praying this morning that the u/s would show a good response. (This also encourages me that some things are going right! Ha!) Now, I'll be praying for a continued good response, and maybe if I get ahead of myself, that God would allow us to conceive this week.

I watched the IN.G NY.C Ma.rathon broadcast yesterday, and I literally had tears in my eyes when the first woman and man crossed the finish line. (Yes, Mr. A thinks I'm crazy!) I remember how that felt to me, the two marathons I ran. But as glorious as finishing is, you never forget the incremental training you committed yourself to go get to the finish line. In alot of ways, this speaks volumes to validate the incremental things we do to try for kiddos, and the incremental ways we follow Christ. We are each so human, and we know we won't ever be able to follow Him perfectly, but each time we choose to be Christ-like in our actions or responses, we have another mile behind us in our journey to our Heavenly finish!!

I think if you are still reading, you deserve an honorary degree in English! Ha! Be blessed today!