One Year Later

One year ago today, I started this blog! Whoa. I've read my first post several times while reflecting what to say today. Above all, I am so thankful I decided to start writing here, because it has allowed me to "meet" all of you!! And I know we don't all have the same opinions on everything, but I am so glad that those of you who come here can rejoice and pray and give thanks for the baby blessings coming our way, in God's time and in God's way.

Alot has happened in the last year. We went from thinking nothing was wrong with me, to finding out that I seem to have low levels of hormones. As a result, we went from saving for adoption and resisting the RE, to wanting to work with the RE to overcome my issues. We went from using my fertility monitor, to using clomid, follistim, prometrium, HCG, lupron, and countless ultrasounds and bloodworks. We went from trying the old fashioned way, to trying with IUI. (I don't count IVF because we haven't really done that yet!!)

And now, it seems, that we have truly (remarkably? amazingly? weirdly?) come full circle, as we are again, exactly a year later, praying for a good old fashioned baby from this cycle. After all we have done in the last year! We went from being hopeful about how God would use IVF, to being excited about the chance for a miracle baby made in our bedroom (even though yesterday my 8dpo progesterone was an incredibly unimpressive 11.6- I'm not sure how rational it is to hope that there's a baby in there? Comments welcome...).

As I finished reading my first post, I noted my use of the phrase "slippery 'specialist' path". And I know that when I wrote that, I didn't know what I do now, and that it was (somewhat shamefully) written with most of the common overtones that you think of when someone mentions a slippery slope/path.

And I sort of regret writing that. But I think I have grown alot in the last year. (So please don't throw the rotten tomatoes!!)

Because what I have learned is that while the path is slippery sometimes, in that you can easily lose your footing with its confusing terms and levels and medications and protocols and procedures and terminologies and diagnoses and dosages and opinions, if you approach the specialist path with utmost prayerful consideration and a strong understanding of what values you hold dear, there is nothing slippery about it. If you let yourself be led by God on this path to parenthood, your steps will be sure (Ps 37:23). If you don't let yourself be swept into the fast-moving river of what-everyone-else-is-doing, and instead compassionately seek what God might have you do, your feet will not slip (Ps 17: 4-6).

I think some people would be really defeated by the fact that all of that has happened in the last year and we are still not picking out nursery colors. (And I have to admit that I'm a tad more somber than I had hoped, after my progesterone result....) But I am honestly not feeling melancholy about this at all. And maybe I am some kind of optimistic anomoly who has a smile plastered to her face all the time and some kind of out of this world faith in God's promises. I think it's a mixture of being excited (delusional?) about what this cycle might hold and truly feeling rooted in the fact that I'm pumped to see what God has in store for our family. I feel very at peace with this today. That is such a blessing.

And that being said, I'm not sure if next year, I'm still writing that we're not picking out nursery colors, that I will be so okay with it. Well, maybe I will be. God's grace is an amazing thing. But truthfully, next April, I pray that I'm out shopping for baby spring outfits. For our little boy. And/or girl. Haha!

Time to dream big!!