Dear Fertile Friend

Thursday, April 08, 2010

You can spare me the emails with the lines "for those of you who haven't had kids, you don't know what it's like to be pregnant and feel xyz pain or discomfort" and "I'll spare those of you who haven't had kids the details of the labor".

Because, I already have a spear through my heart and it's stuck in there pretty good, so I don't really need any extra weapons piercing through.

I don't even know what makes you think that those kinds of statements are appropriate for even people who aren't trying to conceive a blessing. What if they have chosen to live child-free or if they are not married yet? Even if they aren't struggling with infertility, have you thought about how demeaning that is, to indicate that they're not worthy of the details?

I daresay that even people who are in the high-and-mighty moms club don't exactly need to hear the details of your labor. What, did you poop? Throw off all your clothes and scream? Did you get a tear that needed to be stitched up? Was delivering the placenta just as painful, or more, as delivering your baby?

As if the rest of the world hasn't heard of these things happening.

You don't need to lord your blessed secret delivery experience as the ultimate prize that some people can share in and some people can't. You don't need to make the rift between child-less and child-loving of us any bigger than the gaping empty chasm that it already is. You don't need to make those of us without kids feel any more left out (though I don't know if that is possible!).

And seriously, I'm pretty sure you had 30 seconds since she was born two weeks ago to send us a text, instead of worrying all of us sick that something was wrong. Even my battered heart was praying for you, in case you were dealing with a still baby or something.

But I probably don't understand how busy and tired you are, you know, since I haven't had kids.

And I think you left something out of your email- about how thankful you are, how humbled you are, and how amazed you are at this new little life that has been placed in your care. You forgot to say how amazing it is to be a mom, and how you just stare at your little one in awe of the beauty of life. You forgot to mention how lucky and how blessed you feel. The part about praising God for what He has given you got deleted I think....

But I'll still keep you in my prayers... That somehow something in your heart would turn to those who aren't in your coveted position. That you'd show them sensitivity and compassion. That you'd realize the amazing gift you've been given. That you wouldn't take it for granted. That when your cross is placed on your back, people in a position to minister to you would do so. And that in the midst of struggling, your faith in the One who suffered for you deepens and strengthens, as has gracefully happened to me while I pressed on with a weight on my shoulders, praying to hold our baby someday.

38 comments:

Lisa said...

I can just feel your pain as I read through that post. I am sorry you had to deal with that this morning. Boo. Praying for you!!

Rachel said...

my heart hurts :( but preach on, girl. Somebody needs to hear that!

Katie said...

A... my heart hurts for you. This post made me cry. I am so sorry you woke up to this today. I so wish that you could send this post to the person who wrote you that e-mail. Sending many hugs your way. You don't deserve this.

Rach said...

Grrr, fertiles. They are so rude and inconsiderate most of the time. Blah.

Anonymous said...

Amen to so much of that. Remember pain creates a space for grace.

Jane said...

Oooohhh... this just makes my blood boil, I'm sorry. How about next time you take a romantic getaway with your hubby you send an email out saying "I'll spare those of you that have kids all the details of our incredibly amazing and exciting vacation, just me and my husband."

Emily said...

I really wish she'd read this blog. Insensitive!!! There is nothing more to say than that! Obviously she thinks her experience makes her better than others. That's unfortunate and you don't need people like that in your life right now! Sorry that happened!

Al said...

So well written and so true, A. My heart aches for you and I can feel your pain and frustration through this post. I wish that you could send this to the author or that email so that they might understand and have some compassion. **Hugs**

Megan said...

Gosh, some people can be so inconsiderate and rude and ungrateful!!! I'm so sorry you got such a horrible e-mail from someone. That just sucks. *hugs*

Adam and Julia said...

Amen sister!!! Tell them how it is. I am so sick and tired of all this too. I am right there with ya. So sorry you are in pain. Hugs and shared tears sent your way.

Melissa said...

Oh A. I'm sorry you have inconsiderate & crappy so called friends that write such mean things. You don't need that. No one does.

I wish that she could understand an infertiles point of view but sadly, I don't think she will.

And not praising God and being Thankful? You are a very kind spirit to be praying for her. At the moment I just want to tell her to "f off" Pfft.

Thinking of you my friend!

Lo, Alia, Kaitlyn, & Becky said...

I felt this way after I miscarried a few months ago... then hearing ladies who were pregnant and going through the morning sickness and pains say "Your lucky you don't have to go through this". your kidding me right??
Keep your head up.

brigittemarie said...

HUG HUG HUG HUG

Dea.nna said...

Very well put! I would love to send some of this letter to a few of my fertile friends. You know, the ones that complain constantly and then tell me that I'm lucky I don't have kids. That puts and extra dagger in my heart. I'm with Jane, send the "I'm going on a fantastic vacation but you wouldn't know what that's like bc you have kids" email! {HUGS}

Leah said...

That was really beautifully written.

Ashley said...

Beautifully written! I agreed with everything you said, and my heart also hurts for you. But I also know that you are a strong woman and I can hear that in this as well. If only every fertile could read this!

the misfit said...

I wonder sometimes whether people who write these sorts of things maybe just thought it would sound different than it did. Maybe something DID get deleted - she didn't realize what she hadn't mentioned? I have had a few friends who have gone out of their way to stress that they were so aware that they had an UNDESERVED blessing - since you can't earn the blessing of new life. What could we do that's big enough to be OWED that? - and I wouldn't have supposed it, but expressing just that sentiment made all the difference in the world, to me, hearing it, to love and appreciate them and their blessings instead of having to struggle not to be resentful. They're fortunate. And they're grateful. And they KNOW that. And they don't think it makes them special - they know that there are people who don't have their blessings, and they're not lording it over us, but recognizing that there's no reason it shouldn't have been the other way around, and they are thankful for what they have. I think that's all it takes. (And, seriously, about the labor details - how about sparing your friends just on the basis of GOOD TASTE? What happened to that?)

The Millers said...

I just came across your blog. I love you honesty and candid..ness...not thinking that is a word, but you know what I am getting at.

Praying for Hope said...

You really are asking for a miracle in the last paragraph there. I like Jane's advice. Send her back a "I wish you were me" email about a lovely time you had on some incredible, romantic vacation that she can't take for 18 years or so because she now has a child.

Jessica said...

I would love for you to hit reply on that email, copy and paste this post, and send it back to your friend. Tit for tat, right? Is being friends with someone that self absorbed even worth it? But then again, I can be a little too aggressive...lol. I will say that I've lost 2 very good friends of mine through this because they have been so unsupportive! You really do find out who your true friends are when you are faced with a challenge.

I'm sorry that some people think that they are the only people in the world that have experienced labor. And I'm sorry that she didn't have the tact to be sensitive to your situation. You shouldn't be envious of her anyway because she's obviously ungrateful and you will make a much better mommy! She will be jealous of YOU! Thinking of you!

Ask or Imagine said...

I don't know how some people can be so inconsiderate! A friend should bring joy, not pain and I'm sorry your friend is not being the friend she should be.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

People are so clueless on just how blessed they are. Thank God you won't make that mistake when it's your turn.

Waiting said...

Oh man, that post made me laugh and cry. I really feel like that woman needs to read this post! SO MANY fertile women need to read this post. For crying out loud, I would take 100 sleepless nights if it meant I could have a precious baby of my own in my arms!

But I also feel sorry for those people, because they will never truly appreciate the amazing gift that has been given to them oh-so easily. Only an infertile can.

JC said...

Oh I'm so sorry A. I know this is so painful for you. I hope and pray you get your little miracle very soon.

lowfatlady said...

I can't believe someone was so insensitive to send something like that. I'm sorry.

Jennifer said...

Ugh....I am so sorry you had to deal with this. Don't you wish you could really mail stuff like this to the people that really do need to hear it! ((HUGS))

AplusB said...

This makes my heart hurt. It's so sad when our friends isolate us (intentionally or not) for not being part of the mommy club. I know how much it hurts, but think of all the we have gained through this journey. And you are such an amazing soul for continuing to pray for your friends even their joy cause you so much hurt. ((((HUGS))))

Shazz said...

Perfectly written!

Kacey said...

He wants to reveal Himself to you in a special way. Waiting is the hardest part. His promise still stands, and when that comes, Glory be to God in the highest...you will be a wonderful mommy for the journey he has set for you. Bless you for being faithful and aligning His will with yours. You will be blessed! I'm praying for you!!!!

InfertileNaomi said...

Amen!

Basic Girl said...

ugh, A I'm so sorry. This makes me sad, and mad...its all so unfair, and you said it all so well. My heart totally hurts for you, and all of us who have ever experienced something similar. All I can say is that at least we'll know down the road, this will never be us...we'll never make someone in our current position feel like that...we'll know better. A tiny silver lining, but its something. Hang in there hun, thinking of you!!

Hannah said...

Oh, I want to save this post. I love it. Speaks to so much. Hugs & prayers to you, my friend.

Hillary said...

Beautiful post...my heart aches with yours.

gingerandlime said...

Hi, I just found your post through the Creme de la Creme list. What an amazingly true letter you've written. As if we need to be reminded of all the things we "wouldn't understand" because we don't have kids. Thanks for sharing it.

Bea said...

Sigh. Some people do feel the need to tout their club membership, don't they? It's probably insecurity. Maybe she's just desperate to be included - some people don't do so well on their own. Or maybe she's just clumsy with words. I hope the prayers work to make her more thoughtful.

Bea

theluckylife said...

Wow. Send her an email saying you'll spare her the details of infertility and the pain THAT brings. I'm floored by the insensitivity of this woman!

Lut C. said...

There will always be people that rub you the wrong way. Even here in the community, you may find that it is the case.

It's ok. You don't have to be friends with everyone, or not in the same way all the time.

(Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

Sara said...

Here from creme,

You really have your head together, despite the bruised state of your heart. This is a brilliant post. I'm sorry that you have friends like that. What are they thinking. Sheesh!