Touche

So, suffice it to say that it was very cathartic to tear out the old, dead, knarly bush and replace it with sweet strawberry plants last night. Except we broke our shovel in the process. Like, snapped the shovel off the handle. Does that tell you how stubborn and awful this bush was?!

It gave us a good chance to talk about our follicles, too.

I think at that moment in time, if we still only have two follicles tomorrow, we think we might bow out of IVF this month. (We reserve the right to change our mind as many times as necessary between now and whenever!!!) Heck, maybe we'll do timed BD and be one of "those" people who get pregnant waiting on IVF. We're not sure it would be a smart use of what we've painstakingly saved for this process if, in my RE's professional opinion, we really don't have the best shot unless we have at least 3 follicles.

The good thing is that we haven't paid any IVF dollars yet, and my meds are pretty much covered by insurance, so we can (hypothetically) just gear up for IVF again next month (or a month after, if we want to try on our own with these two) (which we do) (and I hate the fact that I'm assuming the worst and saying these "two" when there are quite possibly more right now!). If we decide to cancel, I will be making it very clear to my doctor that I want a higher dosage of follistim from the get-go, and possibly menopur (those of you who take it, do you know why they couple it with follistim? I have to research that...), and possibly with a lower dose of lupron or maybe even the antagonist protocol instead. I just don't know if it's right for my body to be suppressed before starting stims, when I don't respond that well anyway!!

The bad thing about deciding to cancel is that, well, emotionally and mentally, we saw IVF as an endpoint. Not that we want to stop trying, but it is wearing on us a little bit. And we thought that it would give us a decisive YAY or NAY. And although a NAY would have been unbearable to take, we are longing for direction and we feel that would have been a major "take a left here" sort of situation.

Of course there is always the possibility that our hearts will win over, and we'll bet $8k on our two little follicles. Of course I want to believe that those eggies are perfect and will become our little ones, but statistically there are no guarantees with only two (or three, or fifteen, for that matter), and although I hate it when reality is possibly negative, I have to prepare myself for reality.

So I called the lab today to inquire as to the refund they offer if they do an ER but no ET.

$2k.

I haven't told Mr. A yet because we've both been in and out of the house working on a bunch of yard projects today (LOVE IT!!!), but I'm not sure if that will sway his feeling on whether to gamble with two follicles or not. Because the total cost is $8k, I can get $2k reimbursed from my HSA, and if (in the awful situation we have no embryo's) we get an additional $2k back, that brings the cost down to $4k. (Somebody check my math.) Since we had $9300 saved in the baby fund, we'd still have $5k to jump start any additional cycles we feel led to do. What would you do?

Yesterday, my friend T who is an amazing Christian inspiration to me, sent me this email:

This was on my calendar today, and I think it's for you!!

"It gives me a growing sense of inner peace to remember that God's chapters are still being written. He has not yet said "The End".
Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)"

As you may imagine, my jaw was pretty much gaping open after reading her email. This is not the first time this calendar of hers has pierced my heart! I have got to get ahold of it!!! These verses have been ringing in my head all day this beautiful day. I feel very confident and guided (right now) and sure and peaceful that what God has coming is the best for our family, and that we will get through it smiling and strong if we only trust His hand to guide us.

The other thing that made me smile today is the lady who answered the phone at the lab when I called to ask about the refund. After telling me how they calculate things, she goes (in her most patient Eastern European accent) "But why in the world are you thinking like this? We do not have our patients thinking the worst! Do not worry about this!!"

Touche. It was like my optimistic self transported to the other end of the phone line. Okay, okay!

Time to go do some yoga, some positive visualization (my acupuncturist advised me to picture my ovaries as little flowers who are drinking in all the good water and nourishment (i.e. meds!) and are preparing to flower and bloom!), and a shower after all the great work in the yard today!!