I have been doing some thinking lately about what the point of blogging is at this point. I still want to write in this space, but I find that I don't identify well with alot of regular mommy blogs (even many former-IF mommy blogs)- too perfect, too organized, having more kids easily (even many of my IF friends!). I'm also not a regular infertile/waiting for a baby blogger either- because I did miraculously conceive M.
And so I was thinking that maybe I could seek out a secondary infertility bunch of people, but it has been kind of difficult to find such a group. I've searched all manner of permutations of blog and/or wordpress and secondary infertility, and I just get a handful of results- some blogs that are not actively posted on anymore- but mostly just articles. I want the guts of the struggle in honest bring-you-to-your-knees blog style, not some over-edited and rosy-looking conclusion paragraph!
Secondary infertility doesn't occupy my life as primary infertility did, but it is still there. I don't want to dwell on it, but I can't deny that I wish we could another baby to our family. I am beyond grateful to have M in our family, and she is over and above "enough" for us. I just get a little tug at the heartstrings when I think of her growing up without a sibling, and that is a big reason why my heart longs for another baby.
I know we can do our best to fill her life with good friends and fun activities and us, the doting-est parents ever, but what am I going to say when she asks for a brother or sister. "Um, we've been trying ever since you were born."
I just had a long conversation tonight with a friend of mine who's been trying to conceive since a miscarriage in April. She had no problems conceiving her first two kids, and her miscarriage sadly opened her eyes to the world of reproductive heartbreak. She is longing for another baby, and with several friends having conceived between then and now, she is experiencing alot of what you feel when everyone is having babies except you. But she struggles with not wanting to appear like she's replacing the baby she lost or that her first two children aren't enough.
I think there's alot of guilt that comes with secondary infertility because you don't want to appear ungrateful for your previous child(ren), like they're not enough. I feel like another way to look at it would actually be to say how much your first child(ren) increased the love in your family, and how much more would another baby do the same? (Or maybe that's just me rationalizing it!)
I have been praying much lately that God will increase in me a spirit of contentment and appreciation and acceptance for how He has made our family- our family of three is just as "worthy" as someone's family of four or eight. I definitely need that reminder from time to time.