Secondary Infertility

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I have been doing some thinking lately about what the point of blogging is at this point.  I still want to write in this space, but I find that I don't identify well with alot of regular mommy blogs (even many former-IF mommy blogs)- too perfect, too organized, having more kids easily (even many of my IF friends!).  I'm also not a regular infertile/waiting for a baby blogger either- because I did miraculously conceive M.

And so I was thinking that maybe I could seek out a secondary infertility bunch of people, but it has been kind of difficult to find such a group.  I've searched all manner of permutations of blog and/or wordpress and secondary infertility, and I just get a handful of results- some blogs that are not actively posted on anymore- but mostly just articles.  I want the guts of the struggle in honest bring-you-to-your-knees blog style, not some over-edited and rosy-looking conclusion paragraph!

Secondary infertility doesn't occupy my life as primary infertility did, but it is still there.  I don't want to dwell on it, but I can't deny that I wish we could another baby to our family.  I am beyond grateful to have M in our family, and she is over and above "enough" for us.  I just get a little tug at the heartstrings when I think of her growing up without a sibling, and that is a big reason why my heart longs for another baby. 

I know we can do our best to fill her life with good friends and fun activities and us, the doting-est parents ever, but what am I going to say when she asks for a brother or sister.  "Um, we've been trying ever since you were born." 

I just had a long conversation tonight with a friend of mine who's been trying to conceive since a miscarriage in April.  She had no problems conceiving her first two kids, and her miscarriage sadly opened her eyes to the world of reproductive heartbreak.  She is longing for another baby, and with several friends having conceived between then and now, she is experiencing alot of what you feel when everyone is having babies except you.  But she struggles with not wanting to appear like she's replacing the baby she lost or that her first two children aren't enough.

I think there's alot of guilt that comes with secondary infertility because you don't want to appear ungrateful for your previous child(ren), like they're not enough.  I feel like another way to look at it would actually be to say how much your first child(ren) increased the love in your family, and how much more would another baby do the same?  (Or maybe that's just me rationalizing it!)

I have been praying much lately that God will increase in me a spirit of contentment and appreciation and acceptance for how He has made our family- our family of three is just as "worthy" as someone's family of four or eight.  I definitely need that reminder from time to time.


the misfit said...

I have a friend who got pregnant right away as a new (and very young) bride - then didn't have another baby for a good six years. Obviously, the first problem was that she totally didn't see the problem coming the second time! She turned out to have PCOS, although she is incredibly tiny, so I think that also made it take longer to diagnose - nobody suspected. Her daughter is a precocious (and, ah, rather bossy) child, and they simply put her to work praying for another baby ("her" baby, of course). They told her it was in God's hands, and she took that pretty well, I think, but I think she also gave Him a piece of her mind (especially when her aunt got pregnant with baby #4 - that just wasn't fair, she explained. Smart kid). They recently had baby #2, and while I know that won't happen for everyone, I think their approach to it with the older child worked out well. I bet M will understand better than you expect!

the misfit said...

P.S. That is totally unhelpful on the fellowship in secondary IF question, but I do know of two couples in VA with secondary IF (that and one other, who sometimes comments around here) who are not bloggers. They're closer to DC, so a bit far from you, but if you like, I can get you all in touch. I should also note that both have (after years of waiting) now had second children - though third kids may be another question for them. Anyway, let me know.

Noelle said... she struggled with secondary infertility and found some resources. Look at her blog posts from a year ago. She has a baby now so she isn't in the trenches. My heart is with you.

Esperanza said...

Hello, it's nice to find you, though I'm sorry it's because of a difficult path we both found ourselves on.

You're right that it's hard to find Secondary IF bloggers. I found that most of my IF blogging friends got pregnant really quickly the second time around. It was very frustrating and I found it incredibly alienating. I did end up finding a few blogs by people that we're dealing with secondary IF, but most of them are either pregnant now or have stopped trying for a second child. I wish I had some links to send to you. I'll look through my Feedly subscriptions and send you the links of any bloggers I know dealing with this. It's a hard and lonely road. And it's strange because it's more common that primary IF and yet there seems to be so much less written about it. I'm not quite sure why that is.

I hope your journey through secondary IF is a short one. Abiding with you.

Amber said...

I once thought that I would survive my would-have-been-due-date with a new pregnancy, only to making it to the two year anniversary with only a possible chemical. I feel like it's hard to find a place to fit in when you have secondary infertility, and there is for sure a whole lot of guilt. You're not alone <3