Growth Spurt

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.

We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.

But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.

I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.

So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.

But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.

Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.

A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.

I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.

So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!

Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!

(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)


Rach said...

I always enjoy your posts!

I know the feeling of not being able to click on blogs. I was following 5 other blogs going through an IVF cycle with me and they all ended up with BFP. Very tough.

Rachel said...

I feel the same way you do. We've opted out of IVF for now and I'm doing these yummy herbs, but I'm not going to my RE right now (no labs, etc). I don't feel like anyone is reading my ho-hum life. FYI...I'm still very much enjoying your blog :)

AplusB said...

Although we are still in the throes of treatments, I do know what you mean about growing pains. I've been blogging for a year now, and what a year it's been. A lot changes, especially during IF, so it's natural that your interest in blogging ebbs and flows.
I, for one, like reading non-IF much as I also obsess over my fellow bloggies cycles.
Anyway, glad to hear you're in a good spot right now and I like your Dr.'s plan with Clomid. Good luck!!

T said...

So I immediately questioned if I have abandoned you. I really hope not! I try to comment on everones, but fall short often.
I want to assure you that I am always reading your blog even if I do not comment.

I totally know the feeling when you are not in the middle of treatments. In the IF community you can feel a little lost. I assure you, you still belong!

Your posts inspire me and I continue to pray for you and your journey.

Anonymous said...

I go in and out of posting and commenting phases, so I know what you mean. On my never-ending bench months, when I get cysts, my posts are all over the place. And sometimes, even in the throes of treatment, you just don't feel like talking about your ovaries or E2 or whatever.

Grow, girl, grow. We still love you and support you, wherever you are and whatever happens to be on your mind.

And suuuuweeeeeeeet on the Clomid Rx. It sounds like just what you need right now and I'm psyched for you!!! xoxo

PS I know what you mean abt commenting on knocked up blogs. Sometimes, no matter how happy I am for them, I just don't know what to say beyond, "oh! sounds amazing, congrats!"

Anonymous said...

I'd read if you just posted every day stuff and not ttc stuff. I never know what to post when I'm on a break cycle since this is an infertility blogging group. But I think more and more people are writing about other things.

Toni said...

Personally, I really feel like I've had a lack of energy. Lately it seems like I'm pushing myself no matter what I do and there are many days when I don't feel like posting at all.

I've enjoyed your blog then and now. I think this is just the transition phase and once you become more comfortable with blogging on non-IF topics you'll hit your stride again. (Not that I think you're off your stride at all).

Anonymous said...

I kind of feel like I know exactly what you're talking about and I could have written this too (though not as well as you did ;)). Since our failed cycle in April I haven't been back to the RE and have no desire to do that again. But we're not exactly ready to start adoption yet (don't know which agency, not yet ready to start). I feel like I don't know what to write about sometimes, feel like I need a break from everything sometimes, and definitely feel like I don't fit in anymore. And I feel like I lost a lot of readers in the process. So I can really say I get what you mean. I really really do. I wish we could go to a coffee shop and chat right now! Lol. But anyways...I'm still here. I'm glad you're enjoying your break and hope clomid does the trick!

RachelP said...

I understand too, I've had next to nothing to blog about, and it seems like the blogging community I've been following is all kind of in a holding pattern.

AL said...

I think there has been a bit of a lull in our corner of the blogosphere lately. It seems like a whole bunch got pregnant, a few lost pregnancies, and a few had failed procedures. I've felt a bit out of sorts too, both in my writing and my commenting.

I really enjoy reading your posts and I hope to keep reading how things are going in your world.

Very glad to hear you and your husband are enjoying each other and the break from treatment...and yay for cycle with clomid! Why not :-)

Jessica said...

I can totally relate to this post. I noticed a dramatic decrease in comments when I wasn't cycling after my failed IVF. I am still with you!!

Jane said...

I've been a lackluster commenter on everyone's blogs lately. But I read every single one of your posts and I love to hear about your non-TTC life!! And I have so much hope for you, whether it's clomid or just trying "naturally," I think you're going to have success very soon!

the misfit said...

I may be an oddball here, but...I have posted only rarely on treatment for infertility; I usually just blather on about my life (though there's often an IF tangent, just rarely a treatment one). And, by the same token, I really enjoy posts about people's lives, rather than just their treatments (though of course I read those too). So I haven't been "avoiding" your non-treatment posts at all. I would assume that's consistent with your data sampling...? It's my impression of my impression, anyway.

Also, with respect to being burned out on treatment - I completely understand this. I did hardcore burnout for a couple of YEARS - I wanted nothing to do with treatment, and I'd not had as much to contend with as a failed IVF. And even once I got back into treatment (last year), I've always done so warily, and drawn strict lines about what degree of infringing on my normal life I will allow. So I understand the wanting to protect yourself from the source of the hurt. I've actually tried to do that! And, as you see, I'm the picture of mental health :)

Trisha said...

I'm so glad you met with your ob/gyn and that things are lining up with the clomid.

Honestly, I think you have to find out for yourself why do you blog? I know the comments can be great as they can be an encouragement etc but is it for the comments or to get your thoughts out there and let it serve as a "marker" of this point in your life. If you think you have nothing to talk/blog about then I am completely done :) You're going to the doctor, getting RX's filled while we just sit and wait :) Real exciting huh?

You know me and know I'll tell you exactly what my heart feels. I think you belong here; you're still TTC while battling the beast of infertility. Keep your head high and just be you!

Praying for you!

Praying for Hope said...

First of all, I definitely understand not having the energy on some days (or weeks, or months) to approach or post on the blog of an IFer who's expecting. I remember having problems with that. You want to encourage the geed news, but it's hard on you when it brings your own situation into focus again . . . especially when you have no desire to focus on it at the moment.

Second, A more relaxed, low key approach sounds like just the thing you need right now. You haven't stopped, you feel like you're still doing something, but it's not enough to raise your expectations so far that you come crashing down again.

And third, I have to admit that I don't know what to post anymore, either. It's an IF blog - or it started out that way - but when TTC has finished for whatever reason, it's hard to know what to say. And if you're and IFer who is now expecting, it puts a unique twist on things. What do you talk about that won't hurt those who have supported you? I don't know.

Anyway, I don't plan to abandon your blog - not that that's what you were implying - and I still intend to post comments. A non-TTC life can be a welcome change.

Anonymous said...

I always like to read your posts, treatment-related or not! Of course, I'm also one of those who rarely posts about any infertility treatments, since all I do is acupuncture.
I have a hard time commenting on pregnancy blogs too. I can't really offer anything beyond a congrats comment here and there. I still read, but there are so many others, also pregnant, commenting that I'm not sure what I would add to the conversation.
Hoping that this "low-intervention" cycle brings you a miracle!

Coco said...

I find your ho-hum life very interesting! I check your blog often and try to comment. But sometimes I feel out of place, like I'm a stranger, because I'm not part of the online ivf community... You're my only "cyber friend" that I don't actually know in real life. I thank you for friending me on here. And no worries, this is your blog and it should be about your life. We all love you, no matter how boring you think you are.

Anonymous said...

This is such an honest post. It is so well thought out, written even better and really tugs at heart strings for me. I think I understand where you are simply because when I started blogging in January, we were not and have not been ttc because of finances. We are praying to resume this fall. While I may not always comment (and shame on me for not taking the time) I do enjoy the non IF related posts. Truly, I do. I'm sorry if you've felt that abandoned, etc. You are a remarkable woman and whether or not you are actively ttc etc, you and your posts are interesting, etc. Now, having said that - I'm so happy that you did return to your OBGYN and that you are going to return to ttc. I pray that you have your own belly shots to share in the near future. (((hugs)))

Kacey said...

I think about you often and still pray for you! Your faith is amazing!!

Hillary said...

Although I am still in the midst of treatments, I feel like I could have written much of this post myself.

I feel like I have "lost touch" with everybody, but I have had little to no energy to blog or comment. Somehow after my last BFN I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I have truly enjoyed and appreciated our friendship through blogging and hope it continues. I will definitely be reading and will (hopefully) gain some commenting momentum.

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I’m waaaaay behind, but I meant to comment on this blog a long time ago.

I completely understand on many levels. I actually don’t like going through all the TTC details that others do on their blogs which makes my “infertility” blog very boring and not very infertility-related. Of course, I’m on the bench 9 months out of the year, so that seriously limits the TTC details. Then I feel equally boring when I post about something else. I honestly thought about removing the comments just so I would post whatever popped into my head without worrying about the comments.

I want to assure you that I am reading and enjoying everything you say. I’ve told several people that I have just gotten overwhelmed with the amount of blogs and just started to comment only when I had something to say. And I put a moratorium on reading any new blogs because I didn’t have enough Ann-love/time to go around on the blogs I already loved so much. So I, personally, am commenting less (and when I do, I apparently wait a week), but am still here.