Growth Spurt

I am going through bloggie-growing pains I think. And not that I remember whether actual growing pains were uncomfortable, bloggie-growing pains sure sure do suck.

We have clearly taken a step away from the TTC Circus since our failed IVF. And, we are enjoying the normalcy of every day life as regular people, not the strung out I-have-to-be-home-at-6pm-to-do-my-shot and sorry-I-can't-go-swimming-because-I'm-having-my-period-and-tampons-are-bad-for-vaginal-pH person I used to be, and not the husband who was unfailingly supportive but also emotionally drained husband he used to be.

But while we were "those people", the IF-blogging community was such an amazing part of my support system. I was so connected and had so much in common with others going through treatments. I had bloodwork to compare and an embie to love. But then our embie didn't stay here with us, and we stopped treatments.

I wondered if people would keep reading if I was posting about non-ttc things, and bless their hearts, many readers promised they would. And not like I blog just for the comments (although, seriously never underestimate the power of comments-the virtual hugs!), but based solely on the data, my non-ttc things blogs have been dreadfully uninspiring to you all. Really, though, to be fair, it is no surprise that my recent thoughts are not as alluring because, let's face it, this is an INFERTILITY community, and while we are still struggling with that in our hearts, we are not doing anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of you plug along in your RE clinics, while I'm not going anywhere near mine.

So, don't feel bad. I know I'm not in the throws of injectables or anticipating a transfer or posting belly shots or baby pictures.

But at the same time, I end up wondering how I can still be a part of this community without really taking part in what this community does. Am I still a part? In my heart I hope so, because Lord knows I have no idea where else I'd belong at this point.

Maybe it's because I got so used to posting so often that posting less regularly feels like I'm dropping some huge ball. I can think of at least one of you who didn't post that much during her struggle with infertility, but I never doubted that she was a part of our community, so maybe my frame of reference is off, and it's like I never left.

And maybe I don't know if it's just me, and I don't even know if I should be estimating this because it's not like I have been a great commenter lately, either, but is there a general lack of energy around here lately? I think back to April when so many of us were in the trenches and how my newest bloglist post list would almost constantly be changing. Then, so many of us were left with empty arms AGAIN, while a few blessed ones have gone on to belly shots. I don't know if the rest of us have recovered fully yet (myself included).

Speaking of my Baby Bumps (especially all the new ones- wow!), how selfish is it of me to want them to come read my blog and leave encouraging comments when somedays I cannot even click on their newest post? Craziness. How can I even justify that?? Not because I'm not happy for them (I think it's safe to say you all know what I mean), but some days I just don't know if I have the energy to process all of everyone's amazing baby/bump news. Sure, my life is pretty darn good, but there are some days when I have to keep repeating that to myself to fend off the self-pity.

A few days ago, my friend K emailed me this link to a practice that specializes in immunology testing. They claim to have a great success rate, and she thought maybe I would like to read more. I have to admit, I have never so quickly and fearfully scanned a website in my whole life. I didn't want to understand anything. I didn't want anything to catch my eye. I didn't want to stop too long to think, hey, maybe I do need that $4000 test. Because, as you all know, we had an extra savings account for our baby-making adventures, and it is all dry. I am just as financially conservative and pragmatic as Mr. A is, and at this point, I feel like I can't lure myself into what the latest and greatest diagnostic test is, given that their whole practice is fee-for-service (i.e. no insurance accepted). Maybe, MAYBE if we ever consider ART again, we will look into it. But we're not even sure if we'll do that.

I really appreciated her sending me the link (I'll add it to this post tomorrow), but it just emphasized to me how emotionally detached I've become from all the interventions. I have been so hurt by them, and I understand why abus.e vi.ctims just completely recoil and withdraw, especially from their perpet.rator. After all the hurt that we went through with the last year of treatments, the last thing we want to do at this point is go running back into the open arms of rejection and disappointment and failure. I honestly have no idea how multiple-IVF'ers do it.

So while I don't know if recognizing how hurt I've felt is a growth in the right direction, I do feel like I took a positive step today in meeting with my ob/gyn. Although their office and lab are not nearly as efficient as my RE's, it was good to be back there. My ob/gyn (let's call him Dr. M) prescribed 100mg of clomid and ordered TSH, T3, and T4 levels. (I know I was supposed to ask for the antibodies, but I forgot...). Dr. M said that we'll touch base again in 3 months if I'm not pregnant, and then we can go from there. I told him that Mr. A and I have pretty low expectations, given the fact that IVF didn't work, but we're still interested in "trying", so why not include clomid in the boat since it is so cheap and I don't get side effects. (Watch, now that I said that, 100mg will knock me on my tail.) I am very happy with this course of events. Very low intervention, pretty low expectations, normal s.ex life, pretty high hope, and very high chance for an amazing testimony. I'll take it!

Maybe slow and steady growth is the best kind, but it sure can be grueling. My apologies for not posting that often and then writing a novel this afternoon. Thanks for reading!!

(Edited to add, that I didn't mean to imply that anyone necessarily abandoned me (you girls are so sweet!), just that it is remarkable how we are all (myself included) so excited to comment on a great u/s result or progesterone number while we are not as relatively impressed with the other minutae of our lives.) (enough parantheses for you? haha!)