catching up (updated)

i am still here!

let's just start with what's on my mind: we had sex monday night and last night i had one wipe of light brown. an hour later (because you know i couldn't sleep), it was back to nothing, and it still nothing this morning.

but seriously, commence freak out.

in my head, i know that this type of thing after sex is very common, but i would give my left arm to be able to confirm that things are still okay with our little one. but because it is so common, i feel a little silly calling my midwife about it, especially since i already have my previously-scheduled 12w3d appointment next friday. would they really just let me run in, and hopefully they could just run the doppler of my stomach, find the heartbeat, and then let me go? that would be awesome, but i would bet more strongly that they would just tell me that unless it picks up/turns red, it will be fine.

which of course is little consolation to someone who is pregnant after infertility.

i still have other symptoms, so i am not entirely worried, but i honestly dont even know how i slept a wink last night.

it doesnt help that yesterday i was blessed with the most awful gas pains i have ever had and nothing i did the entire day would help! i was praying the whole day that i was "feeling" the pains correctly to be gas, and not that something was wrong with our little one. i finally read my "what to expect" book that suggested hot lemon water, and that worked like a charm!!! wow, sweet relief. but, any kind of abdomen pain is a catastrophe for a pregnant after infertility-er (i'm just going to coin a new acrynoym for that: PAI).

being PAI is still surreal most of the time. i can't believe it is me who is 11w1d today. i can't believe that this baby is here without any intervention or medicine. i can't believe it's me who is going maternity shopping with my aunt and cousin in a few weeks.

just 3 months ago, we were watching embryo adoption educational videos. we were preparing to save the whole year to be able to have another shot at a child.

in July last year, i was reflecting on the fact that we had decided against further treatments/procedures for the indefinite future. i thought everyone would move on to PAI except us.

but here i am, gratefully pregnant for another sunrise. i am so thankful that God has blessed us with this baby.

i will keep you posted if i call my midwife. i so appreciate all your prayers for us and for our little one!!

update! i called my midwife and her nurse called me back- nothing to worry about especially since it has stopped and there was no cramping. of course, if it turns red.... ;-)

Adoption Auction

Happy Saturday! Too bad I have 80 gazillion hours of work to catch up on this weekend, AND we lose a stinkin hour of sleep tonight :-P

But what is more fun is this weekend's Adoption Auction (link here!)!!! There are some really great items, and it is for an awesome cause (bloggy buddy's adoption fund!)- go check it out!

*crickets*

HI! I am back :) My brother and his girlfriend came to visit us on their spring break, and so between trying to work really hard in the mornings (before they got up at, you know, 10:30-11am) and hanging out with them the rest of the day, I didn't really have time to post this week!

But everything is going really well. Each day that I carry this baby is a miracle to me. I can't believe I am 10w3d- I still have the SIX tests that I took almost SIX weeks ago next to my sink in the bathroom. I am so thankful for this precious child and the opportunity to expand our family in this way. We pray constantly that this little one is healthy and that we will be good parents. I do have nausea and tiredness, but I welcome these symptoms with open arms. I am so grateful, I can't really even put the magnitude of it into words.

I continue to pray for all my bloggy buddies who are waiting for their miracle. Ladies, your miracle will come and it will not be a minute late (Habakkuk 2:3).

Cringing

One of my favorite food bloggers just announced the other day that she and her husband are thinking of trying for a baby soon.

Like, to the whole world. Before (apparently) they are even actually trying.

I just cringed when I read her post about it. I can't describe my reaction any other way.

My experience has taught me that when you try to have a baby, it will take fifteen times as long as you think it will. For (in my case) no explained reason. And in the time between when you try and when you finally are successful, your heart and soul will go through such anguish and challenge that unless you are 100% sure that every single one of your friends, associates, family, and blog readers are going to be constantly supportive and the perfect amount of interested but not meddling, I suggest that you don't just make a blanket announcement.

She got commenters who told her to not worry, she (at 28.5) is still young (HOLD ME BACK!!!), who gave advice on which season is best to have your baby, who told her that is SO exciting and they can't wait for updates, and who told her (just a handful, including me) that it shocking to those who struggled with infertility to make such a public announcement about something that is entirely out of your hands. And one (who didn't have a blog to visit) who set it out there that it is amazing to her when people talk about having children in a specific season (e.g., "we're thinking of having a baby in the spring"). Bravo, my friend.

And you know what, she may have no problems at all. She might be like my vet who thinks as long as you have some data, conception is guaranteed. After all, she eats so incredibly healthy I can't even imagine the incredible volume of produce they must buy each week, so it's not like she needs to adjust her diet to organic or less processed or more natural (like we did in the late summer/fall) (although they do drink a ton of micro-brews).

She says she is committed to being open with her readers, but if they have issues (which, having already established that I don't wish infertility on anyone), is she going to openly post about her latest follistim injection or vaginal ultrasound after her amazing pictures of her morning oatmeal or evening meal? How open will she be about crying in bed after another BFN? How open will she be with her feelings when another of her foodie friends has an effortless baby?

There is no way that someone without infertility experience could ever know the pain and the difficulty and the self-preservation/protection and need for privacy that comes into play when you fail at what the vast majority of the population does with no effort, or on accident. There is no way that a naive woman of child-bearing age would know that maybe it won't happen so easily.

Because for so many, it is easy. It is no big deal if you tell people that you want a baby next April, because guess what, you'll have a baby next April. It is no problem to share with your entire neighborhood that they should all get excited because you and your hubby are trying to make a baby, because by three weeks from now, you will have made one.

I wish her all the best with babymaking. Because even if it is still hard to hear of people having zero issues, no one with infertility would ever wish the struggle on anyone else. Or at least you shouldn't *wink*.

But if it doesn't happen as fast as they think it will, I challenge her to be open with it. It will be tough, it will be uncomfortable, and it won't be rainbows and sunshine, but that is the truth of this journey sometimes- and if you say you are going to be open, that should include the hard parts, too.

Food on Friday

Today we are going simple. It's called quesadilla night! I haven't felt much like eating (or cooking) lately, and this is my new favorite meal. Good thing hubby likes it, too!

Tortillas (I use wheat)
Sliced cheese (We use muenster (Mr. A) and cheddar (me))
Fillings (e.g. sliced olives, peppers, cooked chicken, lunchmeat (not me anymore), whatever you have on hand)
Sour cream and Salsa for dipping

Heat a skillet or grill pan (nonstick or cast iron work best- I've never tried this with my stainless steel skillet) over medium-high heat. Put a tortilla on the cutting board. Add a layer of cheese, then your fillings, and then another layer of cheese. Top with another tortilla. Put the stack on the skillet and press down slightly. Keep checking to see when the cheese starts to melt and/or the bottom gets crispy. Use a spatula to flip the stack over, and when the cheese is melted again, you're done! Transfer back to the cutting board and slice with a pizza roller.

I can't believe I just wrote out how to make a quesadilla! Is there anyone who has never made a quesadilla?!

What is your quick, I'm-exhausted, hubby-is starving, go-to dinner?

A Phony

Thanks for all your comments on yesterday's post. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she is just being cautious. To my knowledge she has never had a miscarriage or any fertility problems- her third son was actually a total surprise (less than 2 years after her 2nd son) and she was devastated, as in CRYING ON THE BED, when her pregnancy test was positive that time. Don't get me started ;-)

But anyway, today I am having lunch with my neighbor. She is my mom's age, but she doesn't work, and so we have lunch every now and then. She is your typical very nosy neighbor, but it is kind of funny because we know more people in the neighborhood than they do, thanks to walking our pups twice a day and meeting people along the way. So even though she would like to have more gossip than me, it is the other way around. And what is even funnier is that I am not a gossipy person, so at our lunches, I'm always trying to turn the conversation away from such things.

Back in November at lunch, I was talking about how I was going to acupuncture, and she asked me why. *Deer in headlights* But I figured, oh what the heck, I'll just spill the beans, and so I told her that we were trying to have kids and wanted to explore some natural methods to help that happen. She didn't really press me for details (thank goodness), and we just left it at that. I wondered what I had just done- how would I explain not conceiving to her if she asked me how it was going 2 years later?

Luckily, she has been good about not pestering- although in January she did ask if I would work after having children and "you know, I could always watch them for you, right across the street". Again, I thought to myself, oh what have I done?

Fast forward to today, when I plan on telling her about the baby. I am sure she will be really happy for us, but I sort of feel like a phony.

For all she knows, we have been trying for kids since November. As in, for 3-4 months. As in, the time it takes NORMAL people to be successful.

Clearly, I am not normal, and there is a huge difference between the reality of 3-4 years and what it will appear to be 3-4 months.

I almost feel like I should give her some background of our struggle, but I am not sure of how much I want to get into the details. I guess I don't owe any explanation past that we have been blessed now, but it just feels weird to think that in her mind, we'll be lumped in with any other couple who decides they want to have kids and is successful in a short amount of time.

This happened when I shared our news with our vet, as I was having a breakdown in her office 3 weeks ago when Banana was sick. (Earlier than I wanted to share with a "stranger", but I felt my hysterical waterworks needed an explanation.) Here is how that conversation went:

Vet: Oh, that is so great! You know, even before we started trying, I went to buy an ovulation predictor kit and started taking my temperature. Even before we had unprotected sex!
Me: Wow
Vet: And then, since I had all the data and the predictor kit, we conceived the very first time we tried!
Me: {Cringing at the thought}

I guess, just as infertility is such a closely-kept part of our lives, it remains that way during pregnancy. I am pretty sure you can't (shouldn't?) share your struggle history with everyone who congratulates you, and maybe at this point when you have overcome it, you shouldn't be constantly dredging it up to damper people's reactions. But it is so much a part of me that I feel like dredging it up- saying look, this wasn't easy, and I don't want to be a part of the myth that having a baby is as easy as the decision to try.

I feel like I need to order an I-survived-Infertility maternity tshirt and wear it in public all the time. Maybe that would save me any explanations- or probably not in some cases! But at least I wouldn't feel like a phony.

In-law's

I can't figure out my in-laws' response to our baby.

In a nutshell, it is SO reserved.

Maybe comparing them to my family is a little unfair, what with all our crazy shows of emotion with regard to anything that is happening, especially a baby we have prayed for for 3+ years.

And they have always been on the more stoic side, but I was hoping for a tad more show of excitement. At least from my MIL (who does know that we have been trying for a long time). At this point, it seems like my BIL's are more interested in the baby and asking me how I'm doing!! (Which is sweet, because they are definitely manly men who do not talk about touchy-feely stuff.)

I sent out a weekly update about what is going on with the baby at 9 weeks (still unbelievable we are here!) to our families- right from the beginning I'd asked everyone if they'd like to be included, and MIL wrote back "Absolutely!", so I thought that she would be a very doting grandma-to-be.

All she wrote back this morning was "So what names are you thinking about?".

Not, "that is so cool!" or "won't it be great to hear the heartbeat with the doppler?" or "have you gone shopping for maternity clothes yet?".

Plus, I am terrified to discuss names with them because it is going to be hard enough to agree on a boy and girl name between Mr. A and I, much less have people discussing it and weighing in once we tell them our favorites!!! They are pretty opinionated folks (behind closed doors), and the thought of telling them the names we are considering (Christian and traditional, but not "popular") makes me nervous.

I think my expectations of how she would respond are based in the history we have: she was pretty involved with our wedding planning because we lived in their city up until 3 years ago, while my mom is several states away. It was really fun to go shopping with her or put together goodie bags....

Maybe if we still lived in their city it would be different. Maybe they are worried that it is still early. Maybe I should just be grateful that she wanted to receive an email from me each week at all; maybe this is just a pregnancy-after-infertility expectation that needs a dose of reality.