Cringing

Sunday, March 06, 2011

One of my favorite food bloggers just announced the other day that she and her husband are thinking of trying for a baby soon.

Like, to the whole world. Before (apparently) they are even actually trying.

I just cringed when I read her post about it. I can't describe my reaction any other way.

My experience has taught me that when you try to have a baby, it will take fifteen times as long as you think it will. For (in my case) no explained reason. And in the time between when you try and when you finally are successful, your heart and soul will go through such anguish and challenge that unless you are 100% sure that every single one of your friends, associates, family, and blog readers are going to be constantly supportive and the perfect amount of interested but not meddling, I suggest that you don't just make a blanket announcement.

She got commenters who told her to not worry, she (at 28.5) is still young (HOLD ME BACK!!!), who gave advice on which season is best to have your baby, who told her that is SO exciting and they can't wait for updates, and who told her (just a handful, including me) that it shocking to those who struggled with infertility to make such a public announcement about something that is entirely out of your hands. And one (who didn't have a blog to visit) who set it out there that it is amazing to her when people talk about having children in a specific season (e.g., "we're thinking of having a baby in the spring"). Bravo, my friend.

And you know what, she may have no problems at all. She might be like my vet who thinks as long as you have some data, conception is guaranteed. After all, she eats so incredibly healthy I can't even imagine the incredible volume of produce they must buy each week, so it's not like she needs to adjust her diet to organic or less processed or more natural (like we did in the late summer/fall) (although they do drink a ton of micro-brews).

She says she is committed to being open with her readers, but if they have issues (which, having already established that I don't wish infertility on anyone), is she going to openly post about her latest follistim injection or vaginal ultrasound after her amazing pictures of her morning oatmeal or evening meal? How open will she be about crying in bed after another BFN? How open will she be with her feelings when another of her foodie friends has an effortless baby?

There is no way that someone without infertility experience could ever know the pain and the difficulty and the self-preservation/protection and need for privacy that comes into play when you fail at what the vast majority of the population does with no effort, or on accident. There is no way that a naive woman of child-bearing age would know that maybe it won't happen so easily.

Because for so many, it is easy. It is no big deal if you tell people that you want a baby next April, because guess what, you'll have a baby next April. It is no problem to share with your entire neighborhood that they should all get excited because you and your hubby are trying to make a baby, because by three weeks from now, you will have made one.

I wish her all the best with babymaking. Because even if it is still hard to hear of people having zero issues, no one with infertility would ever wish the struggle on anyone else. Or at least you shouldn't *wink*.

But if it doesn't happen as fast as they think it will, I challenge her to be open with it. It will be tough, it will be uncomfortable, and it won't be rainbows and sunshine, but that is the truth of this journey sometimes- and if you say you are going to be open, that should include the hard parts, too.

14 comments:

lowfatlady said...

I always hated it when the other type blogs (cooking etc) started talking about pregnancy and having babies. It is like crossing the line and makes it harder for me to read their posts. I could never just post that on my blog. I am so glad things are going so well for you!

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

I agree, and bravo to the read that called her out for "I think a baby in the spring would be nice." Ugh! I hate people like that, they just have no idea.

RMCarter said...

Ahhh, to live in the blissful world of fertiles. As crappy as the IF journey is, I'm not so sure I would go back to that place. I feel I am a more compassionate, understanding and empathetic person now, in ways other than IF related. To me it's almost sad a segment of the population will never get to learn some of the lessons I have. Many of them were painful to learn but I'm glad I learned them.

Josey said...

Ouch. That post totally made me cringe too.

I love GGC as a food blog, and when she posted a few months back that they were thinking about trying for #3, I, too, cringed.

Then, she posted last week about how she CRIED when she saw the BFP. Not tears of joy either.

Sadly, I need a break from her food blog now. UGH.

eggsandsperm.com said...

Yah I'm cringing here too. It's so hard to not be like "yah, good luck with that" when I hear someone announce this kind of thing. I can't even click over there...

fertilelychallengedblacksheep said...

Yeah, that would've thrown me over the ledge too. I am so on board about the loathing the season comment and (not that she wrote this) if I hear another woman under 20 say she wants to have all her children before 30 because of the health risks, I'm going to flip the heck out. I guess if you're not touched by infertility, then you can just be ignorant and pretend that only a rare group of unfortunate people struggle to get and stay pregnant. Certainly would never happen to them. Shudder the thought.

Lady Grey said...

Ouch. It's amazing to think that people are so blaise about the whole thing. To be able to think about the time of year you'd like to have a baby! Anytime is a good time in my book :)
As long as it's soon!
It seems like to me that it's always the confident ones who get their baby whenever they want, and those of us who are caution who get the dissapointment.

Ashley said...

Ouch. I just read that post and some of the comments. I too agree with everything you said. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...mostly. :) And I feel blessed in some ways with what we went through because I know how truly blessed I am. But it makes me cringe to think people just think they can plan pregnancies. I had a friend tell me she was thinking of trying to get pregnant this summer. Ugh.

Praying for Hope said...

It is astaounding that anyone can plan when they want to have a baby and actually have those plans follow through. I was just praying to get pregnant, period. After that, I prayed for nine months that I'd come out of the pregnancy with a healthy, active baby. Now, I pray that we make it through the first year with a happy, healthy, active toddler. After that, I'll pray that she continues to grow happy, healthy, and safe each and every day. To be naive again . . . .

Adele said...

Planning a baby for a specific season. I can't imagine it. It's like hearing a news report from Mars. And while I wish the Martians all the very best, I realize that we are speaking different languages.

callmemama said...

Aargh! I read that post with my heart-pounding and palms sweaty - it stressed me out THAT MUCH. I really hope they don't have problems...
Announcing ahead of time...before you're even actually trying? And telling people when you'd like your baby to be born? Yep, that's a reeeeaaaaallly bad idea. Except that she's probably like almost everyone else we know and will get pregnant on the first month trying. And will assume it's because she "prepared properly" like she was supposed to. Sigh.
I hate when cooking blogs talk about pregnancy and babies. It definitely ruins my enjoyment of those blogs. Food is my HAPPY PLACE, dammit!
I just can't believe how many people are congratulating her on her future baby. Hello?! You're basically saying "good for you for telling the world you're throwing away the bcp's soon! we're rooting for you to have lots of sex and pop a baby out eventually!". That's just weird.

Trisha said...

Cringe is a great word to use. That's the same thing I do when I hear people telling others that they are beginning TTC. I hope you're feeling well!

Stacey said...

Hey there, friend. Please accept my sincere apology for being so far behind on your blog. I've been taking my feedreader in big sections in order to stay in touch, and I was more than a month behind on your posts. :(

I hate that, but then again how wonderful to check in tonight and see the incredible and wonderful news that you are pregnant!! You have remained in my prayers throughout your long wait. Please know that I'm celebrating with you and am so happy to know that things are going well. Continued prayers for you and your little one! Thrilled for you!

In regards to this post... it truly is hard to hear others so casually talk about having a baby (even choosing how many they'd like or the exact time of year to have them) when you've known nothing but a struggle with your own fertility. Those feelings don't go away after you've had a baby, either. What you went through becomes part of your story and is such a personal part of your life, and I think the sensitivity is always there. Makes me cringe, too.

Jess said...

Wow. It is interesting that some people can have that naivety (both the one wanting to become pregnant and the commenters).

Actually, I have always had a feeling I would never get pregnant. Even before we starting not "not" trying.

Anyways, wishing you the best!