Detached from IF?

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Lately I've been feeling somewhat detached from IF, in good ways and bad.

I used to love taking people off my praying for a baby list and adding them to my baby bump/parent list, because I would be moving on like them someday, too. But lately I look at all those blessed women and just sigh with heavy apathy that we have nothing in common. Like I can't even identify with what they post about now. And maybe it's my fault because I haven't been a commenting wizard on their posts, but it feels like they don't have anything in common anymore with me, either.

In some ways, I count this (that I don't feel the need to vicariously live through moms and incessantly dream of when I will be in their shoes- that I have accepted that that is not my life) as a good thing because to me it indicates that pregnancy/motherhood is not occupying my life anymore. My life is full with a great husband, awesome dogs, wonderful sisters and brother, and many other blessings.

But in alot of other ways, I count it is a bad/sad thing. Because it means that I still have not gotten it through my thick head (raise your hand if your mom used that phrase when you were a teenager!) to truly get over what I don't have and embrace feet-first the joys that everyone else is experiencing. I mean, if I could do this, I wouldn't feel so left out by people who have babies anymore than I feel left out by people who have black Range R.overs (my dream car). Because, let's face it, it feels like we are just as likely to become pregnant with a healthy baby as to have a Ran.ge Rover dropped in front of our house. And it's not like I would slink away to 4 aisles over in Ta.rget if I saw a Rang.e Rover owner....

We're of course still "trying"- peak reading today, in fact- and now that my grandpa is in heaven everyone and their mother tell me stories that they got pregnant after their relative passed away. But that seems too good to be true, doesn't it?

Because even though we're trying on our own, the other way I feel detached is from all my IVF buddies who have gone on to several more IVF's, while we sit at one failure. Truthfully, it's not like we would try another IVF right now- we don't have the money, and I'm not sure we want to devote the energy/emotion to all the monitoring, etc. But all things relative, they are moving forward, too, and I'm not. Just like the moms.

But just like I mentioned above, I have this weird sense of apathy to being left behind in that way, too. Like, I'm interested in what they're going through but it seems so foreign and far away and apart from my reality that I can't really even muster an emotion about it. Well, technically, when I think of all the time and energy and GAS that I spent going 80 miles round trip every other day to the RE the better part of last year, I am pretty shocked. That's an emotion, right?

I don't think I'll ever detach completely. I still pray for all my bloggy buddies in their disappointments, heartache, and celebrations. I will still take clomid and use my monitor and take progesterone after ovulation, but when I go see my obgyn in mid-October and he suggests an IUI, I can guarantee you that we'll decline, because {dare I say it} I don't know if we care that much to go through all that again at this point. Which is saying aLOT because of course having a baby is practically the only thing that's missing in our lives (except, also, a black Ran.ge Rover), so obviously we care alot about it!

I hope I didn't offend anyone by spilling my guts to you about how I have a hard time identifying lately. It's a very weird place to be- of course I wish I wasn't on the bench without a child, but for all practical purposes, my bench is a pretty happy place to be, and I don't really think I'll be moving for a while.

I don't know how many of you will identify with my not indentifying....

17 comments:

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Oh, I completely understand. I keep updating my prayer list and the “waiting for adoption/TTC” is a lot smaller than the “healthy pregnancy/successful adoption” side. It’s wonderful, but sad just the same to keep seeing where we are or to keep the same names that have been there for a year.

And there will probably come a point where there is less and less in common with people who are moving into parenthood. That’s just the way it goes and the way it should be. IF I ever did become a parent, I do hope I can somehow close this chapter and I wish the same for others, too. But it is painful to keep being left behind and not moving forward at the same pace as everyone else. I feel you. I really do.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for sometime now and I can Identify with all of your struggles. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have been trying to get pregnant for about 7 years we have done all of the fertility treatments and I understand your frustration. I dont think people understand how emotionally draining it is unless they go through it. I just wanted to send you a post letting you know that I understand all the emotions you are going through you are in my thoughts and prayers

Coco said...

Oh sweetie. You have so much in your life right now that is so hard. Not to be all psychological on you, but the loss of your grandpa and the loss of your emby-baby, that's too much to take in all at once. It's okay to pull back and just nurture yourself for a while. It's natural and doesn't meant that you are un-caring, it means that you are grieving and trying to make sense of your life and identity again. Hugs and prayers. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord God. Plans to help you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Lisa said...

I can completely understand and I think your feelings are completely natural. When I became pregnant I felt a little disconnected to the rest of the IF world wondering how I could still encourage and minister to those of you still going through it. I never really felt like I belonged in the parenting/pregnancy world because THEY don't get the IF world. THEN after I had my miscarriage I felt farther disconnected from the IF world and definitely from the parenting/pregnancy world. Now I feel more drawn and connected to the pregnancy loss community. But I think all of that is normal. We need different things and different people at different parts of our lives, and God has them there for us at the right time. I don't think you have to continue reading any blog or commenting on any blog if you don't feel like it. People understand the need to protect yourself and however you need to do that is OK.

Jenny said...

i understand. i couldn't identify with those who got their BFPs even after IF when we were TTC. (wow! so many acronyms!) and even now with adoption, i don't really feel like i can always identify with those who already have their referrals for their little ones, even though i know they spent time waiting just like me. i think it's normal to feel the way you do.

T said...

I know that I cannot relate now, but there was a time not too long ago where I was exactly where you are. It is a horrible lost feeling. I too never thought it would ever happen. We kept trying and at times not trying. Do not apoligize for this feeling. It is completely normal.

Please just do not give up all hope on yor dreams. If we all did think of how many of us would never make it to the other side. It was almost 5 years for us. People told us long ago to give up. In our hearts, we could not. Thank God we did not listen to them.

((((HUGS))))

callmemama said...

We've had 3 family members die in the last 3 years, all on Hubby's side - his grandfather and both of his parents. Last year I ovulated the day his mother died and I thought SURELY I would get pregnant. Sigh.
Your Range R.over analogy is great - it made me laugh though to think of avoiding a Range R.over owner in Target aisles :). How true, right? If only it were that easy to see it as just another dream that didn't come true...and be okay with that.
I don't think our emotional states can support a constant go go go, get treatment, do this, do that state. Sometimes we just need a break, and if you're happy and enjoying your break, then I say good for you! Hopefully this is a renewal stage to give you strength for whatever you choose to do next.

Katie said...

You certainly didn't offend me. I completely understand. It's difficult, especially when you aren't in the midst of treatments, to identify with others in this community. You are still happy for your blog friends when they get their BFPs, but there's a part of it that still weighs heavy with your soul. I go through the same motions. Up and down, up and down. It seems like, even minus the IF treatments, the roller coaster never stops. Hugs to you. I hope that both of us get that elusive blessing we so truly deserve soon.

Hillary said...

I am "moving forward," as you say, with treatments...but have had times where we didn't know how many treatments were ahead and felt like I was starting to process "the end." I haven't fully done so as we have continued on, but I definitely pulled away from the IF blogging community more in those times. I know what you mean by the detached feeling.

That said, I know you are in a particularly unique subset of us. I have found a few other "multiple IVF failure" girls who are still cycling (like me) and it has helped to have other who can relate in the same boat. Not trying to be preachy, but just thought maybe you could look through the blog roll and reach out to some women in your situation? Not sure if that would help.

Thanks for sharing your heart. I am so thankful you do have much joy in the life God has given you, and I hope and pray earnestly that God will bless you with a child very soon.

Love you!

the misfit said...

You are SO much more sensitive about venting about the pregnant/mommy bloggers than I am :). (Maybe that goes without saying...)

I definitely understand about the apathy phase - but it may be passing? Maybe our hearts just need a time out from all the exhaustion, before we resume the fight. Not sure.

Rach said...

I know the feeling. It's really hard reading bloggers who got pregnant when I cycled. Everytime I read their blog I think, "Thats where I'd be right now." Somedays I just don't have it in me to read all the posts.

Praying for Hope said...

I'd say what you're feeling is completely normal. I remember feeling left behind many times. It hurts. And you pull back. You want to be happy for those who are moving on - and you'd love to be able to join them - but instead, you're stuck on the side of the road watching the bus pull away. Wanting to get some distance for your own sake is natural.

suchagoodegg said...

(((hugs))) Yes, I totally get this. I have been here so many times. And I know I'm on the other side now (and am so anxious, please Lord let me stay here), but I still feel your pain so acutely. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and praying for you.

PS And HECK YEAH for the peak reading!!!

JC said...

I can totally identify with what you are feeling/saying. Completely! I think were kind of in similar situations and I'm not really going anywhere right now either. Not interested in treatments, don't think I will ever go back to that, not ready to adopt, still "trying", still not getting pregnant each month...same old. But life is still good over here too, happy hubby and dog and house and jobs...so it's not all bad. But I would love for a black range rover to fall out of the skies any day now ;).

Jane said...

While DH and I were "on the bench" between our last IUI and our IVF I began to feel distanced from TTCing, like it was another life (one full of hardship and tears). Maybe that's similar to what you're feeling? I think it's good that you're enjoying your life outside of IF. That sounds very healthy to me!

Hannah said...

I couldn't identify with pregnancy blogs or my pregnant friends (and sisters even) and had to just kind of withdrawal for awhile. So I understand and would rather have you protect yourself than try to identify. HUGS!

Stacey said...

Maybe it doesn't help at all to hear "I understand" from someone like me, who knew what it was like to feel left behind for almost a decade, but it's a feeling I'll never forget. It wasn't anyone's fault that their babies lived while mine died, but it was certainly hard to sit and watch from the outside. Once I started blogging, it was easier for me to cheer on those who had struggled with IF or pregnancy loss because I hated seeing anyone else going through that pain that I knew so well (although everyone has a different story and situation). And, even though those success stories didn't necessarily mean that I would succeed one day too, they did ultimately give me hope, especially those that were handled gracefully.

At any rate, I just want you to know that I think of you and pray for you often and will continue to offer my support.