An Open Letter

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear God,
I have half a mind to be pissed at You. (The other half is firmly entrenched in the camp that You know some amazing joyful better-than-I-can-imagine plans that will be perfect and then all this crap will all be worth it and that you know my heartache and want to comfort me and even Jesus cried....) But seriously. The first half of mind thinks that's a bunch of baloney.

I am fine with not being pregnant. I have never seen a positive test, so I don't even know what I'm missing, so being not pregnant is the norm for me. But, if You are not going to work some cosmic miracle with me to get a baby inside, please stop leading me IN THE 2WW, NO LESS, to Scriptures that tell me that You make the barren woman a mother, and as old generations pass, new ones come about. Because that is just awful for my already shattered broken dying heart. Because then, when I test and see one pathetic line, I get angry at myself for believing and hoping that somehow that was your communication to me. I feel like an idiot for trusting in Your Word about all this infertility garbage. Because Your Word never says, "The barren woman kept getting strung along until she had a hysterectomy so she wouldnt have to deal with that crap anymore" or "I will take the desire of motherhood out of your heart so you can get on with your life". All it says is that the barren woman will be a joyful mother, and that seems like quite the empty promise to me.

And, since we have prayed to have hearts for adoption, and you have not placed that with us EITHER, am I supposed to pray to have you take away my desire for motherhood? Am I really supposed to be 100% happy with my admittedly phenominal husband and precious dogs? While, in the meantime, You bless crack addicts and people who leave their kids running amuck without supervision and all my friends and family with babies that they didn't even try for and all my bloggy friends with treatment babies that I dreamt of? Or, ooh, maybe they tried 4 WHOLE months and then You decided their weary hearts had had enough, and boom, a baby ends up in their house? How do You suppose I deal with that while I'm wanting to be a mom, and I am FAILING?

I really thought you and Grandpa would be an amazing team up there. But it looks like nothing has changed for me down here. Except that one half of my brain has become so fed up with this infertility awfulness that it's become pissed at You, much to the chagrin to the other half of my brain. Because I can't go on trying forever. At some point, this has to stop. I always thought it would be with the birth of our baby, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe it will be with the birth of my sister's baby, you know, the month after whenever they decide they want to try.

So anyway, thanks for nothing.... in the baby department. (My "other half brain" made me write that qualifier as it is quivering in its shoes that God will strike me down for being so obnoxious.) Can't wait to see what grand bunch of zero happens next month, too.

Sincerely,
A

21 comments:

Praying for Hope said...

Been there. I'm sorry you're there now. It's a miserable time. You have every right to be mad. I think it's part of the process of getting through the grief of the loss of hope month after month after month (and year after year after year).

Ashley said...

You sound exactly like me! I ended up getting downright bitter and resentful and even told people not to say "everything happens for a reason" because it made me furious. I'm not telling you this because I want you to feel a different way, I am telling you this so that you know you're not the only one. And now that I FINALLY got the bfp (after 4 years of bfn's) I am so thankful to God...BUT I still very much question why crack addicts and child abusers get blessed with children, while those who would be fantastic parents have to struggle. Sometimes I think we are just not supposed to ever understand. Hang in there--praying for you.

All of the Bitter, None of the Betty said...

Thank you for posting this. I often wonder if anyone else feels like I do and your letter let's me know someone does.

lowfatlady said...

I'm sorry it didn't happen this month. That totally sucks.

suchagoodegg said...

I am so so so sorry, A. ((((big hugs))))

WantWait&Pray said...

I remember the afternoon where I just wanted to give up. Throw in the towel in trying to remain hopeful and patient for God's will....because I was not just broken and sad....I was just plain ANGRY for all we had to endure.
But, his mercies are new everyday and sometimes we have those tough days and He is there to wipe our tears and promise us a future of answered prayers. I'm thinking of you!

Hillary said...

Thankful you cry out to God in your angry! Thinking of you and wishing I could ease the burden. xoxo

Josey said...

Totally been there. I hate this journey, and how it shits on your hope so often. Hang in there...

One Who Understands said...

I could've written this letter. I don't understand His plan. I really hope you can find the peace you need and which direction you need to go. Hang in there girl. He does have a plan for you and it will be amazing!

AL said...

I'm so sorry A. I totally understand where you're coming from, I've had so many of these same thoughts.

I can't wait for the day I come to your blog and read the happy news..I have to believe it's going to happen for you. HUGS.

Lindsey Is Waiting said...

I began to wonder if I was reading my own words. I wish I had all the answers for us right now, but I am also in a place where I feel like I am getting kept in the dark. But what I do know is that God has helped me deal with the latest BFN with little drama, and I am ok. Today. Who knows what I will be like tomorrow, but I just have to take it one day at a time. Because sometimes thinking of the future just makes everything seem hopeless.

Jane said...

Well, I think I know how you feel. I've been feeling the same way. The feelings of powerlessness really start to wear you down over time. Every once in a while I get this feeling like "okay, that's it, UNCLE!" as if this is some game that I can just call off and say, "well, I think I've had enough now!" and finally move on to have what seems to come so easily to everyone around me. And it's so frustrating when, month after month, I realize that no, it's not a game, this is my reality, my purgatory.

I think your anger at God is understandable. It is so hard to trust in Him when you DON'T trust Him, because every month He lets you down.

But what choice do we have but to go forward? And if this is something we really want (and it is) then we keep trying.

I have so much hope for you, and I think God does, too. I think He is up there rooting for you. He may not be getting you pregnant, but He still loves you and He is there for you (even if you are pissed at Him!).

Anonymous said...

What?? Scripture does not promise to make every woman who wants to be a mother a mother?? Scripture does not promise that if we pray for a child to be healed, he/she will be healed ( Look at David's cry for his son )..
God cares more about our holiness than our happiness!! The gospel is not all about you and your IF...
Jesus does tell us that "In this world we will have trials and tribulation." It is how we respond that matters. Have eternal eyes..get your eyes off yourself. Focus on what you do have, not what you don't. So some women who are have drug problems have babies, would you really switch places with them, give up the "great life you have" live in their shoes for awhile, deal with the upbringing they have had to deal with, the neglect, abuse etc??
You call yourself a Christian but your eyes are on yourself - Not God!
God is not about just giving you what you want, when you want it!

Kacey said...

Been there! I have a cd that id love to mail you that helped me out a lot. If you would like you can email me you mailing address and I'll send it to you? Praying for you
kacey
Loveauntkiki@gmail.com

Coco said...

Sweetie. I'm so sorry. My heart is aching for you... and me. It reminds me of that quote from Harry Potter (yes I am a nerd)when Dumbledore says that it hurts so bad that you feel you could bleed to death with the pain of it. I don't know the answers, but I do know that God loves you. He is your Father, and His heart breaks when yours does. You never cry alone, He is always there crying with you. He understands why you're angry, and He returns nothing but love. He loves you so much A. Someday you will understand. Someday we will all understand. I hope that someday He will bless you, and me, and all of us with those beautiful children we are so desperate for. But regardless, we are His children and He will hold you while you cry. *hugs*

the misfit said...

Now that you mention it - why ISN'T there a verse that says "and then God mercifully took away the desire for blessings so that the wretched/barren suppliant would be at peace with what she had"? That would be so much more helpful.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry A. I understand what you're saying. Your post had me in tears. The frustration...the not knowing...the tired of waiting and the wondering. I believe, truly, in my heart, that it will happen. It will. Until then, I still pray for you and DH that you get to hold that beautiful baby one day,

Leah said...

I'm sorry. :( Been there. It sucks, I know. And unfortunately, sometimes we can't see the master plan until we are further removed from the hurt we feel.

When I would pray about my situation to God, I took the words out of a favorite church song. "Whatever my lot, hath taught me to say, it is well with my soul." That's what I prayed for. I prayed that whatever the outcome, that I be at peace with it.

Wishing you a lot of peace as well.

TeeJay said...

Oh, A...I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I have had those same exact thoughts and feelings over the years. If I had a nickel for every time I thought "oh, God will surely give me a baby now because of xyz happening", I'd be a very rich woman. I don't know why we struggle and so many others seem to have it so easy. And it's perfectly normal for you to be pissed at Him. And He forgives you for your feelings because He knows your true heart. Again, I'm sorry you are down right now. Infertility sucks, majorly. I hate that so many good women have to suffer. I'm thinking of you.

ventingvagina said...

i'm sorry you're dealing with this. it's not fair. trust me, i'm with you. it's hard, but i still hold on tight to that darn thing called hope. hold on tight, A. i hear it's a bumpy ride. wishing you lots of luck and answered prayers soon in your journey!

Nicole said...

Been there too. I think we all have, and if we say we haven't we are probably lying. I've been there several times actually. I think you actually just hacked into my journal and pulled out an entry word for word ;) But seriously, agh. It's such a miserable place. To feel so justified in your flat out anger towards Gods, but then to worry and know that that anger isn't getting you anywhere except maybe backwards; but you still can't help but feeling furious with Him for continually denying you this blessing that is given so freely to others but He still rejects your fervent efforts to give Him opportunity after opportunity to smile on your womb, and then on top of that when it seems like He's totally messing with you too? Yeah. It sucks. I'm so sorry. Truly, I can't think of a time when I was more miserable with my IF than the times when I was angry and bitter towards God, so my heart really aches for and reaches out to you. :(