Unfocused

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I am feeling really unfocused these days, with regard to this kid-making-situation (or lack thereof, haha).

This is the first unmedicated cycle I've had since last July, and luckily for me, it seems like my body still generally knows what to do on its own, as I'm seeing "fertile" signs, etc. But even though I haven't been so instructed by my RE, I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to try this cycle, right? I mean, I can't imagine that it'd be good for an embryo to try to implant and in the meantime I start Lupron next Thursday...

But anyway, back to being unfocused. (Haha, see how my mind wanders?)

It is weird to not be trying this time. To have no med to take, no trigger to schedule, no IUI to show up for. Not even a monitor to check! In a way, it is kind of a nice break. But it feels like something is missing. Not that we enjoy having to have all kinds of assistance (and I realize we are about to get some major assistance!), but at least it's something we're doing to move forward with our family.

I think you know you're infertile when you miss your infertility routine.

But in a way, I am thankful for right now, when I don't have anything to concentrate on. It is nice to not have to manage details and appointments. It is nice to not have to dial up another dose of follistim. It is nice to not have to calculate the trigger timing. It is nice to not have to remember follicle counts and sizes to post them on your blog.

Sometimes for me and Banana's evening walk, I take out my contacts. After a hard day's work of details and writing and numbers, I don't want any more details. I just want to step out into the fresh air and see the big picture- the big beautiful world that was created for us. I want to look up and see the bright blue above me- I don't need to see how many birds are flying overhead. I want to watch Banana cruising along ahead of me- I don't need to see how much mud she is getting on her feet. I want to gaze at the mountains- I don't need to see each tree. I want to turn the corner and see Mr. A's truck at home, safe and sound- I don't need to see if he's straight in the driveway or not.

And it is so refreshing. To just think about and take in the big picture.

And I think, as unfocused as that makes me, that is where I am. I have taken out my infertility contacts, and I'm just reflecting on the big picture of our family. I think about when our house won't be so quiet. I think about the day our family grows. I think about what it will be like to have a carseat in my car...and have that feel normal. I think about how much fun it will be being parents, and how much work it will be being parents. I think about how cool it will be to be "mom" and "dad"...and have our marriage be the foundation for our family.

Of course after walking around blurry-eyed for 45 minutes, I am ready to put my contacts back in when we get home from our walk. And we are ready (as we'll ever be) for the upcoming cycle, too.

But it's nice to be out of focus sometimes. Even without the details, I can still see the big picture.

23 comments:

Thankful said...

Great reflection - I really like the idea of being unfocused.

AplusB said...

I love this post - unfocusing is SO important, yet somehow so hard. I love your take on this.

Praying for Hope said...

It's strange to be knocked out of a routine. The injections, u/s, etc. may not have been a picnic, but they really do help you feel as if you're doing something positive. To suddenly stop is unnatural. Well, you won't be stopping for long and that'll lead to good things.

TeeJay said...

I can totally relate to "missing my infertility schedule". It's strange, but I really miss seeing my follicles and knowing that they are growing and rooting them on. But at the same time, it's nice to just FEEL what is going on inside. And I love the feeling of taking my contacts out, too. Sometimes I feel like I can breath with them out. Like I don't have to focus on every little detail, as you stated. Take it all in, sister!

Melissa said...

I have a big problem with unplugging from "it" all & when I actually do unplug, I wonder, why didn't I do this before? It's freshing.

I love your post today - great reflection.

Hannah said...

Love this post! It is great to step back and look at the big picture.
Hugs!

Scrambled Egg said...

what a great post. Really well written and well thought. Have a wonderful day. =)

Al said...

Great post, A. You do a great job of seeing the big picture of things and it's great to read your take on this. Hope you enjoy the rest of this "break" cycle.

Jennifer said...

I love this post! I can so relate to this. It is nice to not think about the small details sometimes. We are taking this month off by choice because of so many things we have going on and being out of town a lot. We are still deciding what the future holds for us too as far as treatments. It is nice though to be able to focus on other things and not be consumed by infertility.

Hoping and praying your next cycle is the one!

suchagoodegg said...

I just love this post, it really hits home for me. I am so hyper-aware of the DETAILS that it's so easy to lose sight of the big picture. I love how you describe the catharsis of just BEING outdoors.

I'll be rooting unabashedly loudly for you when the good stuff begins again in a couple of weeks. :)

WantWait&Pray said...

This was a beautiful post...you're a great writer!

Katie said...

This is such a beautiful post. Sometimes we do need to step back and take a look at the whole picture. I love it.

Basic Girl said...

Love this A!!! I am such a detail girl, so its perfect to be reminded to zoom out once in a while!!

The (Type A) Nightmare said...

Yes! That!
I'm getting ready for my upcoming break for that very reason. Good luck! Love the blurry analogy. LOVE IT!

lowfatlady said...

When I wasn't doing anything I missed the infertility hussle and bussle of drugs and appointments. I'm glad to be back in it again.

Stacey said...

Great post! I think it's good to "unfocus" sometimes, or rather, focus on the big picture instead of the little details. Sure, it always feels good to get focused again after a while, but for now enjoy the small break from your IF routine. Maybe you'll feel a bit refreshed when it's time to start again!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

A little blurry-eyed look at the big picture is good for all of us. I am glad you are enjoying the benefits of being on a break (or really it is a gearing up) and not having to order, schedule, make appointments, etc.

Noelle said...

What a beautiful post. I hope that you are able to learn a lot this month and that you are able to use this time to do something good for yourself. Whenever I am on a break from something, that is what I try to do. Also, you are going to have a pretty busy time coming up, and you need to be rested! This could be one of your last months without a baby in your belly.

And as usual, I learned something from this post...to look at the big picture.

Nicole said...

I agree completely with Thankful- what a great reflection!

BelowAverageAthlete said...

I always enjoy reading your posts! You have a such a good attitude and put things in perspective so well. Take care.

Megan said...

What a great post! Very thoughtful!

By the way, I have nominated you for the "You're Going Places, Baby" award! Please visit http://journeytowardmotherhood.blogspot.com/2010/03/award-for-moi.html for more info!

Leah said...

I always think the breaks are so nice. And being unfocused is so necessary from time to time. Restores the soul for sure.

Hillary said...

Beuatiful post, A, it really touched me. How amazing is it that everything is always perfectly focused and according to plan for our loving Father! Sometimes us being unfocused allows us to rest in that more, huh?