Imagining

Monday, July 26, 2010

Everyone always tells you (me) "God will do immeasurably more than you ask or imagine." (Eph 3:20)

And sometimes, this makes me wary to think that God is going to plop a baby into my belly when everything is seeming to line up well. In other words, sometimes I worry that if I could imagine getting pregnant this month, then it isn't going to happen because God is going to do more than that.

Historically speaking, this has been true. You know, like last month, when I ovulated around my birthday and would be expecting a BFP on our anniversary. What perfect timing. What an amazing thing to have happen to our family. But nope, wasn't to be.

I just started to type that maybe that would have been too perfect, but then I honestly don't think that's possible when it comes to how God's plan for our lives will look in retrospect. And obviously, God does work in perfect situations (how many families with 3 kids, 2-years apart do you know?), but clearly not in my perfect situation. 'Cause I had one last month. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

But what is on my mind today is that I feel like I have another great month ahead of us, where it would be awesome to conceive, and where I'm getting alot of good vibes already:
  • First cycle on 100mg of clomid (after a year of failed higher-level stuff)
  • There was a pregnant woman in front of me when I dropped off my Rx
  • The pharmacist took clomid for both her kids, and she sensitively shared that with me!
  • I won a giveaway, about HOPE!!
  • August is a very special month for me, spirituality-wise
  • A good friend of mine sent me an amazing encouraging email and also shared with me her success (literally, she is pregnant now!) with wheatgrass, and I'm now giving it a try! But GEEZ, I might as well just scoop up some grass clippings into my lemonade instead of paying $25 for a month's supply- these tablets aren't winning any tasting contests!!
  • This is the first month where all our meat will come from the local farm, which we are VERY excited about
  • There was a family with SIX kids in front of us at church yesterday, and the youngest one (a baby boy) kept looking at me (HA! I can't even believe I included this on this list! It is so ridiculous- where else was he going to look when his mom had him on her shoulder?! Haha, I have lost it!)
  • And church, in general, yesterday was very uplifting for me
  • We would be 6w pregnant when my parents come to visit us for Labor Day- could tell them in person!
So all of these things makes me go "hmm" in a hopeful way, but then I wonder if that in itself is an indicator that it won't be "our month" because things look too good. Sometimes I have my own pity party that infertile-success stories are the ones that have to be in the "God working good out of misery" situations, but then again, those are some of the strongest testimonies.

So if you are like me, with your imagination running wild about how perfect every single month would be to get pregnant, be assured you're not alone. Sometimes I wonder if I should be imagining all the awful things that could happen, in order to give God a chance to really do more than I could imagine. Because, heck, I have a pretty great imagination!! (Let's be clear- I know it's not as good as God..) I'll just keep prayin' and making up how I'm going to tell people, as if it's going to happen someday. I'm sure God has a detail up His sleeve that I haven't thought of...

12 comments:

Coco said...

Haha. I am so right there with you this month.... and all because of the stomach flu yesterday! Oh, I'm going crazy, timeline doesn't even add up for having morning sickness yet, but you know, it makes you hope and believe. Anyway the wheat grass pills are NASTY, BUT my mother in law bought little seed sprouting trays, and grows her own wheat grass in her kitchen window then juices it and drinks it. Much better tasting and you can add it to other juices, and more absorbable for your body. Just a thought. :) Hoping both our hopes work out this month!

JC said...

I really hope this is THE month! I do the same thing...imagine what if it's this month...bla bla bla. Hopefully I'm right one of these months!

Josey said...

Oh man, you just hit it on the head. I'm constantly thinking about why "this would be the perfect cycle" to see that BFP... but you're right, I guess we need to remember we're on God's timeline. How frustrating though!!

Toni said...

Oh, I am always thinking like that. And I do the same thing too, I start thinking about the unfortunate reasons it could occur too, like how sometimes amazing things happen at the darkest times. Also, I always take little kids cooing at me as a good sign, so I liked that you added that.

Wheat grass pills you say? Hmmmmm.

Anyway, I like your list. Hoping the best for you this cycle.

Rambler said...

Sigh....Birthdays, anniversaries... you name it. That perfect moment is always around the corner.

Jane said...

Hmmmm... I know what you mean about thinking about all the reasons why cycle x (where x equals the current cycle) is the PERFECT cycle to get pregnant. But I blame it on how hard I look for reasons why it would be perfect, and they're always easy to find. My one girlfriend who knows we're trying and having problems advised me to plan an expensive vacation 9 months from when we're trying and that THAT would be the thing to finally get me knocked up because it would be so NOT perfect! The funny thing is it kinda made sense to me!! But, seriously, God has infinite wisdom, while we only have finite wisdom, so it's easy for Him to do more than we imagine. So don't worry that you're imagining too much. He will surprise you, I am quite certain.

Hillary said...

I know *exactly* what you mean. I even do the "maybe this could be the month because x....but now that I thought that it must NOT be the month..." which seems so superstitious. Or like I'm trying to "figure out" God - ha!

My main thing for my current cycle is it would be so wonderful to have success with frozen eggs and help make progress towards other couples feeling like they have another option besides freezing a lot of embryos...God, wouldn't that be a good idea? :)

But I am praying this IS your cycle!

AL said...

Oh I know what you mean, each month I can think of a million reasons why this is the PERFECT month to get pregnant and how I would tell people, one of these months, right! I hope this is the month for you :-)

the misfit said...

Hey, before you beat yourself up over how your positive outlook is interfering with your ovaries, remember that I'm over here stewing about how all pregnancy tests are manufactured with only one line, convinced that no month will ever be the month (with the exception of that manic hope I'm always trying to kill), and prepared to be horrified if I do end up with a BFP. Defying God to upend your worldview with a surprise pregnancy does not work either - at least, not for about 36 cycles so far. Just keep on doing what you do - I think you make carrying this cross look good.

Melissa said...

I am praying and pulling for you that this month, this special spiritual month is IT for you.
I like your list though...it gives all of us HOPE which is always good to have.

Leah said...

I had the same train of thought as you. And you know. . . however it happens, it will be perfect!

Jessica said...

I hope this is your month!!!