Reflections

Although it's terribly cliche, I wanted to take some time to reflect on 2009. I haven't been blogging a whole year yet, so I can't go back and read how I was doing last year (but that is something I'm looking forward to doing this coming year!), but hopefully I will be able to read this next year (in between feedings) and realize the value of each step in our journey to have kids, no matter how big or small, forward or backward, the step might have felt at the time.

Other than our family still comprising only the two of us, 2009 was actually a great year. We made lots of progress with increasing our savings and decreasing our mortgage, we played alot with our pup (who is now spoiled!!), we became involved with the crisis pregnancy center, and we generally had a blast hanging out together. I feel very fortunate that the only struggle we have is the empty nursery, when I know so many others have so many more weights on their shoulders.

And I might add that I think we have been blessed with dealing with the empty nursery a little easier than others might have it. I think I've said before that I feel a little guilty about how we have been able to handle this cross, when I read that so many of you are feeling so crushed underneath. By the grace of God, neither of us are all-consumed with this hole in our lives...sure it is there, but we both feel compelled to fight against letting our lives crumble around the missing piece(s) of our family. I think we're both feeling like we want to use this time before kids to really make our home the happiest place on earth, because that is where we want our kids to be welcomed into.

The hardest part of the infertility struggle for me this year is that my college friends are (most of them) either already have kids or have them on the way. Not even that they're already moms, but that they don't seem to realize what gift they have been given. I don't think it would bother me (so much) if it appeared like they were truly thankful for their kids. I don't think it would bother me (so much) if they were still interested in what is going on with those of us who aren't moms (by choice or not). One of the biggest reasons I cringe at the thought of who is going to be pregnant next is that their attitude will be the prevailing "here is my kid, check that off the list".

We have been excited this year to see the RE, and even though we had the recent setback of low progesterone on follistim, and even though we're not pregnant (yet), I feel like we are going to get there in 2010. I feel like we have tried to follow what God would have us do, to the best of our ability, and that has led us (especially recently) to the idea that progesterone supplements (supposit's) during the LP might be the puzzle piece we've been missing. I hope and pray we'll welcome our first baby in 2010- that God will bless our faithfulness and persistence with precious life.

I have been humbled with the gift of faith this year. Trust that I have no idea where it comes from (hello, Holy Spirit) has been the foundation for our path. Courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Compassion that causes me to say that if God is using my response to infertility to encourage someone else, then this has all been worth it.

I think the posts that consider a previous year that was filled with anguish, compared to now which is filled with joy, are so powerful, and in some ways, I wish that reflecting on my 2009 was a little more dramatic so that next year (when, God willing, we will be a family of three (or four, haha)), there would be a deep contrast in how that precious life has changed our lives. And no doubt, I am positive that a child will be such a happy blessing to us. But on most days, I find most of my happiness in thanking God that this is the day that He has made, and rejoicing that God has a great purpose for me! On somber days, I try to remind myself that my happiness should stem from doing what God would have me do, and not whether I received everything on my Christmas list. (What is my Christmas list compared to God's plan?!)

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Ps 118:24

Today, the last day of 2009, I rejoice that God has blessed me with His grace, that I have the opportunity to serve Mr. A as his wife, that Mr. A is a loving husband to me, that we have the cutest pup in the world, that our house is sound, that we are not struggling financially, that our home is warm and comforting, that our families and friends are well, that we have good jobs, and that we have hope that we'll be blessed with a baby in 2010!