Starting anew

Friday, February 19, 2010

Yesterday afternoon and early evening, there were more than several tears.

Which reminds me, my apologies for the run of somber-sounding posts lately! I am surprising myself for sure. I can't wait to feel like the normal me again.

I had decided early in the day yesterday that I was going to make some serious comfort food dinner... chicken & dumplings and fresh wheat bread. When the dumplings ended up being on the mushy-looking side, I couldn't hold back the crying any longer. Not only can I not make a baby, I can also not make a stinkin dumpling!!! So when Mr. A called to say he was on his way home, I sobbingly suggested that maybe he should go to his friend's place for dinner since our dinner was crap.

I don't know about your husband, but Mr. A does not respond so well to crying. He is a fix-it kind of guy, and he sees crying as something to be remedied, so (bless his heart) his first reaction is to tell me to just calm down. Which, in my bleary head, seems a little kurt. As if the problem is that he's hungry, and he's telling me to make him a sandwich to fix the problem.

But I know that he doesn't mean any harm or distress. He is just trying to fix his teary-eyed wife.

Which is not always the easiest do-it-yourself project.

I am just thankful that in our marriage, we can cut the crap and have an honest, compassionate, and gentle discussion about how x behavior makes us feel and why y behavior might be more well-received. I was not responding positively when he was trying to reassure me that things will be alright (apparently, a few less tears is not a positive enough response...haha!), and he didn't really get that telling me to just calm down was not exactly comforting.

His best line of the night? "I'd be completely happy if I had just you for the rest of my life."


I mean, we obviously long for children alot. But I feel the same way about him. I was making a "worst scenario list", and the worst case scenario I can think of is that the ivf doesn't work, and we go through a failed adoption. But how can I say that a lifetime with my awesome hubby to myself is the worst case scenario?!

And that being that, and after one of those to-die-for hugs, I received an affectionate slap to the rear-end as I finished up the dishes.

God, thank You for my husband. I am truly blessed.


I was "spotting" maroon by 8pm, so I didn't take my nightly progesterone supposit. I'm going to call my nurse this morning and see when our ivf consult is going to be. They usually start meds on cd21 of the cycle prior to the retrieval, etc. If I am figuring correctly, ER could take place on April 1. How appropriate!

We have had 3 new starts in the last year- clomid, then injectables, then iui.

Time for another new start.

Here's hoping and praying that starting over is a thing of the past.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry things aren't going the way you hoped. I'm glad that you are able to have a good discussion with your husband to let him know how your feeling. My husband usually just lets me cry it out while giving me a hug and then we talk when I'm ready. Hope today is better.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. :( I know there is really nothing I can say to make you feel better. But just know that I am here reading your post, fingers crossed for you. And if you ever need to talk, I'm here too. I'm scheduled for my first egg retrieval next week, so if you have any questions don't be afraid to ask. I'll answer them the best I can. :)

TeeJay said...

Oh, dear. How the husbands just want to fix everything. Mine just wonders why I'm crying and tells me that it doesn't do any good so I may as well just stop it. :-) He means no harm, he just knows he can't "fix" me and would rather I stop making HIM feel bad. Poor guy. I hope you have a better day today and that you get a good plan from the clinic. hugs!

Leah said...

I'm sorry for your pain. It's such an emotional ride when one struggles to get pregnant. I read your posts, and I'm reminded of exactly I felt at that step in the process. I remember praying that I would just feel NORMAL again.

I also at one point thought, if the worse case scenario is life with just my husband, than I can accept that, and it's really not so bad. I just love reading your insights because I had the exact same ones.

It's hard to look forward and to truly see that you'll be okay, but you will. I have so much confidence that everything will work out. It may not be in our timing, but it will work.

Thinking of you.

Priscilla said...

Hoping and praying right along with you that this new start is the begining of great things to come. You deserve it so much!!!

Sorry about all the tear! xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, A. I don't know what else to say. I wish there was something that I could do or say that made things better or right, but I know that's not possible. All I can do is let you know that I'm here and I'll be cheering for you during your upcoming IVF cycle.

Hugs and prayers.

Emily said...

So sorry. Your husband sounds like such a sweet heart. I hope your IVF consult goes well and you are blessed with a miracle soon!

Jane said...

A, I am so sorry. I know you will rebound to your chipper self in no time flat, but for now, it's okay to take some time and grieve... I know how hard it is to accept the fact that it's time to take the next step: IVF. And I know how you feel when you're already thinking about IVF failing, adoption failing, etc. It's easy to get caught up in those worst case scenarios. But no one knows what the future will bring, and even though moving on to IVF sucks (big time!), take comfort in its higher success rates (!!). I, too, am trying to focus on that, as I think I'll be with you on the IVF ride soon enough.

Heather said...

Wow, I'm pretty sure that was an exact replay of many nights in our house. :)

Hugs, sweetie. We are so blessed to have the incredible husbands that we do and ones that want so desperately to fix it all for us, even when they can't.

Praying for your upcoming IVF!

Jessica said...

I am so sorry!! I know how scary IVF is but I hope your consult goes well.

Al said...

I'm so sorry, A. I hate nights like that, but sometimes you need to have a good cry. My husband hates it too and wants to fix it...but he's learned to let me cry it out a bit and then hugs me and holds me after wards.

Thinking of you. Big hugs and prayers your way.

Lisa said...

Oh boo...I hate to hear that. But I am so glad that you have such a great husband by your side!! Keep reminding yourself..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

Hillary said...

Aw, A, I was so sad to see the spotting post yesterday and this post today. I, too, have run through the "worst case scenarios" and in a sense can see that they are not that bad. I am so thankful we both have wonderful husbands! But at the same time, in the moment those "bad" scenarios are just heartbreaking. :( (((hugs)))

So thankful we have the hope of the Lord in any life circumstance. Praying for you!

Noelle said...

I am so sorry that it didn't work out this cycle. I am sorry that you are heartbroken.

Your husband sounds like a beautiful gem. He sounds like the perfect husband for you and giving you a playful smack on the rear-end is exactly what you needed to show you that things are going to get better.

You have a long way to go...IVF...adoption...You don't even need to think about living child-free. You have the whole world open to you. I know it doesn't feel like that, but I can see it because I am looking in from the outside.

How exciting to have your IVF consult! I think that doing something new like that is just what you need to gain your hope back.

I am going to be optimistic for you, even if you can't right now. I pray that God has such wonderful things in store for you. Twins, maybe? What a blessing that would be!

This new start is going to be so exciting, and I pray that God has some wonderful surprises in store for you.

Praying for Hope said...

Sorry for the lousy day. Husbands can drive us crazy (and vice versa), but the good ones are just wonderful. Good luck with the new start. Nothing wrong with an April Fools retrieval. It's a GOOD omen.

jessica Hogan said...

I am so sorry to hear that things didn't work this time around. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and continue to keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. My husband and I are going through the process of Invitro right now and now that it can be a long journey. If you are ever in need of someone to talk to or have any questions about Invitro please feel free to email me. Look forward to hearing from you.

AplusB said...

Sorry this cycle didn't work out, but you have a lovely hubby and a good strong outlook on things. I know what you mean about how our husbands just want to fix stuff. Makes it so much harder when we know how COMPLICATED this all is.
I think it's totally normal to grieve the end of a cycle. It's natural when you've invested so much.
Hang in there.

Leslie said...

I am so sorry. My DH is the same way -- sometimes I just have to tell him all I am really looking for is someone to listen, not to fix it!! I do know though that it is because they love us and do not want us to hurt. GL with moving forward!

BelowAverageAthlete said...

So sorry this cycle did not work out. You husband sounds great and I am glad you guys were able to talk it out. I remember being kind of scared at this point in the process and took it harder than I had before. We will be here to cheer you on through your IVF cycle.

julie said...

Im so sorry. This is the worst. But I found that after my last heartbreaking IUI failure, the plan for IVF brought a whole new sense of hope, excitement and opportunity. So in a sense, this is only the beginning. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't help but smile at this...Our husbands are fantastic to put up with the hormonal messes that we often become!

Hugs to you!

One Who Understands said...

SOrry about this cycle not working. I love your husbands comment. So sweet. The Lupron was no big deal at all! I did have a few headaches, but nothing Tylenol wouldn't fix. Wishing you all the best for your first IVF cycle!

Anonymous said...

oh, a! i'm so very sorry. i hate that you have to move on to IVF. i know it's hard to imagine now, but it's not as scary as it seems. lmk if you have any questions!

p.s. i loved your DH's comment: "I'd be completely happy if I had just you for the rest of my life." you're a lucky girl!

Hannah said...

Aww, it's so wonderful to have such great husbands. My DH never knows what to do when I'm crying either - and I seem to do so much of that lately!

Thanks for commenting on my blog, I really appreciate that. I am so glad to know about your blog, and I look forward to hearing more about your IVF consult. I'll be praying for both of us. Take care!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, A. I was hoping and praying for you. I'm so glad you have a wonderful and supportive hubby there by you. I'm wishing you lots of good luck with your upcoming IVF and I will be praying for you. Good things have to come your way, you're such a sweet person and a great example.

Shanny said...

I'm very sorry =(
I do hope your IVF consult will give you answers and hopefully be "the" answer for you. Hugs.