ugh

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

i'm sorry it has been so long since i've written.  we still don't have a laptop, and it is a pain to write out a whole post on my phone, and even though i can post via email, it still isn't the same.  i miss everyone so much!  ho hum.
 
that really describes my heart lately.  last friday, my super fertile "best" (or not) friend from college emailed everyone that now that her son was 2.5, she knows we're all wondering when they'll have #2, and #2 is due in april!
 
i just cant take my friends' emails anymore.  so i wrote them all about our struggles.
 
i was really proud of my email- i dont think it was snotty or bitter or mean.  and from the ones i've heard from, they totally don't know what i'm talking about, but everyone has been generally supportive.  and when i say generally, i mean truly in general, because there are several little hurtful things that have been written, but i am TRYING to let those go.
 
but it is hard to write to your used-to-be friends and say that you (i) feel lame and bleak and unimportant compared to them.  i mean, it is hard on the soul and mind to admit that outright.  and everyone says of course that's not true, but it is how i FEEL.  because it doesn't really help me if i tell you i'm feeling isolated, and you say, "you're not isolated!" because that doesn't address that i am still feeling that way.
 
i have really been working hard the last week or so to really force myself to start accepting a childless future.  it is tough, but i have almost stopped wondering when we'll have to wait for the schoolbus, or what we'll do if our kid is getting bullied, or how we'll talk to them about tough issues. 
 
i still do trust that God will work this situation for good, but i have been so battled lately.  i have cried probably every day at some point for the last whole week.  it's not normal for me to do that, and maybe this is where i truly get broken, but i sure hope i can get out from under this attack soon. 
 
to quote from misfit's header, my sacrifice, God, is a broken spirit.

14 comments:

Katie said...

I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time right now. Good for you for reaching out to friends and letting them know what you are going through. I hope they continue to be supportive during this difficult time.

Thinking of you. xo

Lisa said...

I am so glad that you emailed your friends and let them know what is going on. Even though it took laying down your pride (been there done that, it hurts) it's out there now. Hopefully they can be more sensitive now even if they don't really get it.

I hear you about feeling isolated...it's not a matter of having people around. It's a matter of feeling like no one really understands, it's feeling like everyone else is moving on with their lives while you are stuck, it's feeling like you don't want to see your friends because they are fertile and that's annoying. You can totally feel alone without actually being alone. I hear ya.

I am so sorry that this week has been so terrible. As I am writing this "Sing to Jesus" by Chris Rice is playing on Pandora. And listen to this verse that just played "Sometimes the way is lonely, And steep and filled with pain. So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and live!"

Cry out to Jesus A! He can take it, HE understands the pain and the loneliness and He wants to be there for you. Praying for you right now.

AL said...

I'm so sorry for the tough time and the hurtful comments from your friends. I'm proud of you for writing to them and opening up - I hope that they will be supportive and sensitive to you in the future.

Thinking of u.
xx

Leah said...

I was just reading another blog, and this person has a plaque on her wall that reads:

God's 3 Answers
1. Yes
2. Not Yet
3. I have something better in mind

I know when you're in the midst of infertility, it's hard to see that, but I have no doubt that there is a plan for your future, and that it's so much better than you could have ever thought up yourself. You will be a Mom. And that may look completely differently than you ever imagined, but when it happens, you'll know it happened perfectly.

Thinking and praying for your peace.

brigittemarie said...

Hang in there hun and let me know if you need to chat!! I love "God's Three Answers" in Leah's comment :)

xoxoxoxoxo

the misfit said...

:(

I'm glad you emailed your friends and told them what was up. I've generally written people off rather than expecting anything from them (with the isolated exceptions of people who have paid enough attention to figure out what was going on and realize that it matters). And while that's made life easier in many ways, I know it's not the best answer. If I had a friend who were suffering with a cross like this one, I would want him to say so, to make it possible for his friends to support him. You're doing the right thing - even though the responses are not what you would have hoped.

("You're not isolated" - is that a person who doesn't have the guts to write, "You're right, now that I have little kids, you fill a completely different role in my life. And until or unless you have kids of your own, our friendship will be reduced. I don't know where I'd find the time and energy to give you the support you need, but saying that would really make me feel awful. But can't I claim that, because I plan to include you on the birthday and baby shower invitation lists, you haven't been intentionally OSTRACIZED - so can I just say 'you're not isolated' so I don't have to deal with this? I'm sure when my kids are in high school I'll have more time, and then I'll make it a priority to catch up on your life and make sure that you're OK and that this cross didn't bury you completely"?)

TeeJay said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. You are such a strong and positive person that I know you must be in some major turmoil to write about these sad feelings. And that makes me sad for you. I don't really have any answers but I am going to continue to hope and pray for you through this dark time. I'm glad you sent your friends that e-mail. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. And unfortunately it won't stop the stupid announcements or comments. But at least you put it out there and hopefully some of them will have compassion for you. Hang in there, sweetie. Sending you a big (((hug))).

ventingvagina said...

i'm sorry you're having a difficult time right now. one day it will become clear why this journey is your journey. i hope that day is very soon. hugs.

Hillary said...

My heart hurts so much for you :( I know that place of loneliness and trying to "accept" that God may be wanting me to be childless when my heart just wasn't there. Those were dark days, and I often get scared that I will have to go there again...and permanently. I'm so sorry you are hurting and wish I could see (and show you) what God's plan is in all of this.
I don't know what it is, but like you said I know it is good....although I know how unfathomable that can be. Keep crying out to God, my friend, and give him your brokenness, loneliness, anger, and fear. He hears you. He loves you.

Praying for you. xoxo

JC said...

I'm sorry things have been rough lately. And that sucks about your uber fertile friend and their not so perfect responses. It's great you decided to share about what you're going through. I wish all our IRL friends would "get it" and know how to react but they don't. Some of them try and their heart is in the right place and those are the good ones. I hope things turn up and start getting better. I'm always thinking about you. You're def one of the ones I wish would get pregnant really soon. You so deserve it.

Rachel said...

I know exactly what you are feeling, because I feel it too. Praying for you.

callmemama said...

You're brave for emailing your friends like that. I feel like my friends should just KNOW those things without me having to tell them, and the thought of actually writing them how I feel and having them act no differently is enough of a deterrent for me.
I like the misfit's comment - telling someone that "you're not isolated" is completely invalidating the emotion, not helping to fix the problem. But, I guess they see the problem is all in your head, so it doesn't need a solution...

Rachel said...

BTW: I quoted you on my blog (http://the-pugh-family.blogspot.com/2010/10/time-to-heal.html) hope you don't mind. Thank you again for your post!

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I am sorry. Good for you for writing to your friends, I'm not sure I am that brave. I'm glad that some of your friends are taking it well. I hope the others get a clue soon.