Looking Back

Monday, October 25, 2010

This here is post #300.

At this point, I've been blogging enough to start to look back on our year of pretty intense treatments. A year ago today, I was praying for a BFP from our first follistim cycle, and a year ago tomorrow, God told me no not yet, again. Don't worry, it's not lost on me that I'm supposed to test on Wednesday, the 2-month anniversary of my Grandpa's passing away. I say "supposed to" because I'll only be 14dpo, and I've held off testing till 15dpo the past cycles. But I have this fantasy that I'll get a BFP and have an amazing heavenly high-five from my beloved Grandpa. We'll see if I get the courage to test on Wednesday... If not, Thursday is my sister's birthday, so I could always have fun telling her she's an aunt on her birthday. Oh yah, and if we're pregnant, the due date would be between my birthday and our anniversary. And finally, I could tell my mom in person when we go up to visit my other sister in 2 weeks. I maintain that this is torture!!

I can't believe we did all we did in the last year. And I can't believe that today, we are planning on not doing any more treatments (even clomid) for an indefinite amount of time. I'm going to continue acupuncture, we're going to continue eating organic/natural, and just see what happens.

But I can believe it, really. I always said (in the treatment trenches) that all the meds, appointments, hopes, and despairs didn't really seem to affect us that much, but looking back, it really had more of an impact that we were willing to grant it. It's kind of awful how it is SO subconscious that sometimes you aren't even aware of how the toll of IF is changing your life. Although I am scared about not doing any more meds/treatments (how will we ever conceive without meds if the super ones didn't even work?), that is what gives us peace right now. So that is what we'll do.

While all my fertile friends* look back on last year and count all the baby milestones that have happened in their house, the things that I can name are associated with acronyms, insurance coverages, and pharmacy and hospital bills. I suppose for the sake of full disclosure there are some other things, too- like getting Bert, and.... well I need to rack my brain for some more... does staying married in the midst of this struggle of our lives count?

I can only hope and pray that NEXT October, we will be looking back on a year of a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, and a happy family (FINALLY). If not, I don't know if I'll be able to handle looking back anymore- may have to settle for looking "forward " to a life in a family of 2.

*Update on telling my friends about our journey: 5 of the 7 girls have been moderately-to-generally supportive. 2 I have not heard a peep from. One of those had a baby boy sometime this or last month (okay fine so she is "busy")- I have no idea when because she only announced on facebook, and I'm one of the only ones of my generation who thinks facebook is creepy. She never told me (she knows I'm not on facebook), and even after I had emailed her congratulations (which took alot for me to muster), she recently sent out an email update (guess she has time for that after all) about her new baby (#2, of course), and did not include me on the update. I guess I need to clarify with them that I already feel 95% left out of what is going on with them, and if they start leaving me totally out of the loop, well, I'll feel 100% left out!!! I have some emotionally fair days when I can handle reading your baby updates, people!!!

PS. Did anyone else see this on FOX News' site this morning. GUESS WHAT, FOX!! If you need fertility treatments to conceive, you're not fertile!!! Stop the insanity!!! (Celine Dion is their #1 "Fertile after 40" celebrity!!!)


Melissa said...

Cheers to post #300!

Here's to the next 300 being about a BFP, tracking your trimesters and a wonderful announcement of Baby A!

Praying and thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Happy 300th post!!! That's quite a milestone. I hope that the next 300 bring stories of a BFP and a healthy baby!!!

Josey said...

Oh man, I hope you get your BFP on Wed/Thurs. If not, I feel your pain about the non-medicated thing. It's been a couple of months for us so far with no meds, and it's petrifying.... and a huge relief, all at once. Hang in there!

the misfit said...

I believe in the last year you also got a really cool wood stove insert thing and grew a garden of which I am insanely jealous. But as far as adding oxygen-breathing life forms to your household, Bert might be the bottom line. Which is still beating me, BTW :).

I think trying really hardcore for a year and then letting yourself have a serious reprieve is actually an ideal way to do it. Some people it takes forever to get all the way into high gear with treatment. (I am WELL into my SECOND year AFTER my giant reprieve from treatment, and still haven't done anything really serious. Well, maybe surgery counts.)

Looking forward - it SOUNDS like the right thing to do when I look at the words. But it's so, so hard. There's so much to let go of.

AL said...

Happy 300th post!!

Hoping so much you get your BFP very soon and this time next year things look much, much different

Anonymous said...

Happy 300th!! And oh my word, that would be one perfect BFP. I have everything crossed for you.

And yeah, can they please stop perpetuating that myth? At least Celine was honest. I bet a lot more of those women had a little help in some fashion.

Anonymous said...

Happy 300! I hope you get some good news in a couple days also. I'm on the same path as you...no treatments for an indefinite amount of time and no plans. And eating organic. =)

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I feel you. I am quickly approaching my 3rd year anniversary of TTC with medical help and "looking back" is so difficult for me. I've had to admit that it has affected us more deeply, too. How could it not?

And as someone who has just over 100 posts in over a year, BRAVO on #300!

Anonymous said...

Happy 300th post!

Yes, staying married counts! IF is stressful on a marriage, and I know I count myself very lucky that our struggles have brought Hubby and I closer together instead of tearing us apart, like with so many couples.

My Quest said...

Here's wishing you get a BFP! I always enjoy reading your blog but haven not left a comment until now. Maybe because I too am expecting a BFP tomorrow after our 3rd IVF+ICSI.

Shame about friends who snub those in waiting! Just remember, those whose trust is in the Lord, will never be put to shame.

Coco said...

Staying married absolutely counts! I feel you on testing on the anniversary of Grandpa. I told my dad AGAIN today that his "job" when he gets to heaven is to grab a baby (or two) and send them down the chute to me. :) Hope your grandpa was able to pull some strings!!! :) BTW, I have a FB account, and I use it to keep in touch with "old" friends...but I still agree with you...it gets pretty creepy sometimes.