Can't Decide

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I can't decide if I whether to email my "friend", as my counselor suggested.

On the one hand, it would feel good to let her know that her veiled attempt at not telling me has been dashed. It would probably be good for me to force myself to write "but I'm happy for you". And inherently, it would be good for me to practice what I say, that I really do want to be included in what's going on.

On the other hand, she might become defensive (especially with all the pregnancy hormones that clearly I have no idea about) and start ranting to me that she was just trying to protect me, even after I asked to be included. Also it's not like the two of us were the closest of us 8 college buddies, so I'm not sure that forcing the issue is worth it. And there is a good chance that I will still be excluded.

I still can't understand how she thinks this will work logistically. Because as of now, she is going to have to exclude me on every further update for the rest of ever, because for all she knows, I don't know she is pregnant, or that in 9 months she will have a baby. Can you imagine that? She emails everyone (including me) in May or June or whatever that her baby is here with a "PS. Sorry I didn't tell you I was pregnant, A." Ha! I almost want her to keep excluding me, just so I have more ammo when I unleash all of what I know. Oh wait, that is the ugly infertility speaking.

And what the blazes are my other friends thinking? Only one told me when I asked, and no one else has contacted me. Are they feeling sorry for me? Are they encouraging her to tell me like I asked?? Are they too busy changing diapers that they could care less?

I really don't appreciate being put in this position.

10 comments:

AL said...

I would send the email as the therapist suggested, because I think dealing with the issue now would be so much better than letting it alone and becoming angrier about it. I know I would dwell on it and become even more upset as time went on...

And you'll spend so much less time and energy thinking about it once you finally hear her response (even though I expect her to say just what you think she will).

You know, what's always upset me about dealing with people through IF is that they somehow think they know how to treat us better than we do. No one ever asked me, "how do you want me to talk about my kids with you? How does it make it less painful? How should I announce a pregnancy?" They just assume they know what's best and that's leaving me out (but only because that's the more comfortable thing for them).

Anyways, my two cents. good luck!

Ashley said...

I've been on both sides of this, and I think if it were me I would let it go and just wait and see if she continues to leave you out. From an infertile point of view, we don't want to be left out or treated differently, but we also don't realize that we are hard people to tell this kind of news to. I can honestly see why she might have thought that you would want to be left out. Now that I am pregnant, I have a dear friend who is still struggling and it was SO HARD to tell her. I still try to avoid the obvious elephant in the room when I talk to her. I know this probably isn't what she wants, but if the situation were reversed I know she'd probably do the same. It's seriously a hard situation to be in, on either side. And if I misunderstood and she didn't know that you guys have been trying, then please ignore all of this....

Hillary said...

I agree with Al - it seems like emailing her now before it festers into something worse over time might be better. It is such a tough situation, and I seriously can't believe she didn't include you in the email when you SPECIFICALLY asked you friends to. I'm sorry. :(

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Jane said...

I think you should keep your appointment for next week. I've been seeing a therapist and I was unsure after the first time, but the next few sessions have really been helpful to me. It IS expensive, though (I'm paying out of pocket, too, $125/session. Yuck.).

Coco said...

I think it's all about you. Forget her, what she'll think, how she'll react. You are in therapy for yourself, not for her. She can pay her own therapy bill if she needs it. :) If sending an email will make YOU feel better, then do it. If it makes you anxious and sick to even think about it, then don't send it. For me, it would depend on how good of a friend she is. A really good friend, I think, is worth fighting for/with. A mediocre or long gone friend, who you don't really talk to much, and have little in common with anymore (every time you see each other you just re-tell all the same old college stories, but no new conversation EVER).... to me, it's just not worth the emotional energy to fight with them. It's much easier/more peaceful for me to remember the good times, and wish the best for them, and just let the friendship die naturally. Too much effort and drama for someone who isn't even all that important to me. Eh. That's just my sick take on the world. If I'm willing to fight with you, then you know I think you're a good friend and worth the drama. :) Haha. Sick.

brigittemarie said...

I would write the email....Click "save to draft" and read it the next day before you send it! :)

Melissa said...

Ah, the ever so popular with IFers...walking on egg shells. That's what my fertile friends called it when they were pregnant with their kiddos. It's upsetting.

I would send the email. It might be theraputic. It might make her understand where you're coming from.

And I agree with brigittemarie - write it, save it and send it the next day.

Trisha said...

Praying for you as you make the decision on what to do! It was great chatting with you today!

Noelle said...

I agree with CoCo 100%. If she is a friend worth fighting for, then send it. If not, then let it go. If she really does know that your true intentions are to be involved in their lives, and she still chose not to tell you, then I would be really hard pressed to call her a good friend.

But this is for YOU, so if sending the email will make YOU feel better, then do it! Sometimes things need to be done for ourselves, and not for the other person's benefit.

I am sorry that they are leaving you out. It is just plain mean.

Jessica said...

What a crappy position to be in, I hate that infertility puts us in these situations!!

I would send an e-mail if its "eating at you" so that you can get it off your chest and move forward.