Thursday, November 18, 2010

I think I have made a decision.

I think I have decided to just let the friendship(s) go. There are a couple of girls that I will keep in touch with individually, but in a nutshell, I think whatever fallout from my confrontation email would be even more painful for me than being silent. I am so hurt already that I don't think I can handle any more from this group.

Because let's face it, she is going to say that she thought it would hurt me, and I'm going to have to go into the whole "but I asked to be included", and then chances are that I will still be excluded because, as Al said in the comments yesterday, fertile people seem to assume that they know how to treat us better than we do.

I am afraid of coming across like I am pushing people away. But Mr. A noted that since they are not emailing me anyway, it's not like I wouldn't be responding to them. Of course if they do email me, I will respond as though nothing is amiss, so as not to be offstandish. But clearly they feel like there is a difference between them and me, and even though I tried to emphasize that I want to be included despite my circumstances, they have decided for themselves that there is information that I do not need to know. I cannot control whether or not they include me.

I wonder how they would feel if they knew that I went to therapy because of them?

Mr. A has always felt unwelcomed and demeaned by (many of) this particular set of friends, and he says that he is not surprised that I am feeling this from them now. It makes me sad that this has happened. I don't really have that many other friends, so I think one of the reasons I'm tempted to hang on despite how they treat me is that at least then I can count them among my friends.

But friends are people who support and love you. They will be with you through thick and thin. I do not feel love or support from several of them, and so maybe they are not the friends I thought they were. I always try to put myself in their shoes, and I think I would have tried to be as sensitive and inclusive and comforting as possible to me, if I had received the emails that I've sent. Clearly it's not impossible- one other of them did everything perfectly when she found out she was expecting #2. So obviously, if one of them could act compassionately, my expectations of them are not out of line, right?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I have a separate "mom friend" folder that all their emails are filtered to automatically, and we'll see if any messages pop up. I'm not holding my breath. Obviously I have no idea what it's like.


Josey said...

:( I'm sorry that they haven't been very supportive. I have a few friends who've done the same thing, and just letting those friendships fade away was definitely the best thing for my happiness and sanity as well. *sigh* It's amazing how much IF affects every part of our lives, isn't it?

Coco said...

Such a bummer, but I think you're very wise. And I think with friendship, it's the quality...not the quantity that counts. And with friends like that, if you didn't have IF, there would eventually be something else that they refused to support you in. I don't have a whole lot of friends anymore either, I think that's totally normal as life changes. But the friends that I choose to hang onto are worth 10 or more of the fair weather type. Good luck with this. :)

Melissa said...

That sucks :o( Sorry that your friends are not there for you when you need them.

hollytraveling said...

I'm so sorry you were put in this position. I think your decision is a good one and Mr. A has an excellent point. No one has written you so it certainly won't look like you're ignoring anyone by not writing her. When and if she tells you, you can decide at that point how to respond. Until then, you have do what's best for you. Just remember, this is on her, not you. If the friendship ends, it's not your fault.

JC said...

That sounds like the right decision. As much as it sucks to lose relationships that once were close...there's only so much you can do.

Hillary said...

It's such a tough decision - I hope you feel peace about it, and I do think it is ok to let go of people. One time I was at a women's retreat and the speaker used an analogy of "friends are like a bouquet of flowers" but different flowers come and go, and sometimes we need to let go. Cheesy, I know, and not very well said - but it gave me some freedom to not feel like I had to maintain every.single.friendship I ever had.

Jennifer said...

I haven't read your most recent post so I'm not sure how this plays out, but first of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry people who should be your friends are clearly NOT acting like friends! I'm also sorry you have to decide how to deal with this on top of everything else. I really think these women are not acting like true friends. Real freinds would tell you even if they knew it would make you sad...but they would also be there to cry with you and let you know that no matter how sad you are, they love you!