Resolution and FOOD!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Only six comments yesterday?!?! Do you guys think I am a terrible person?

I think it's time for a resolution of all this friend drama. My dear friend H (one of this group that I will be keeping in touch with!) said it best yesterday in an email: "Friendship doesn't need to be this much work and this much drama."

I do have a peace about it. Actually, it feels like I have been freed of the worry about my place in their eyes. Ever since they have been having kids and I have been trying to fit in, it has been a source of strife for me to figure out how I could still fit in. Now I don't have to worry about that.

I was actually surprised at my counselor's take on this whole situation: that there must be something special about our friendships to have lasted this long. I'm not saying that there wasn't something special, I'm just not sure it still exists among all of us (certain people it definitely still is there). My counselor's comments were just different than I expected because, in my eyes, counselors are there to help you with your person, not to have you figure out how you can still belong among others. It's like me trying to jam myself into jeans I wore in high school and doing that for years, until I finally accept that my high school jeans just don't fit anymore because I've grown up since then. I feel like my counselor was saying "But you loved those jeans, didn't you? Maybe you could still try to jam yourself into them", instead of acknowledging that maybe that was not the best thing for me to do right now.

I am disappointed about how they've treated me, but I can't change what has happened. I was honest with them about our struggle and how I'd still like to be included in their lives. It has been very hurtful, and I don't know if they will ever make a noticeable effort to include me again. (If they do appear to want to include me back into their clique, I suppose that I would not be opposed, but my trust in them has been badly broken, so it will take alot of time to rebuild that.) But I do have a peace about deciding/accepting that they can go their own way, and I'm not going to fret if that way doesn't include me. The disappointing part is that I know that people with kids can be awesome friends and wonderful supports. My friends here and here and here and here are shining examples that you don't have to become elitist when you have kids and testament to the fact that I don't live my life running to the hills when a friend of mine has a baby. I just long to be included even though I don't have one yet. And when I don't quite know how to convince myself that I matter as much as they do, I need some patience and understanding.

But seriously. Enough of the drama. Onto some food!

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and I am making my list of things to get at the store for the PIES!!! (And some more pads for when I start my period the day after, but I digress...)

Here is one of my favorites, my mom's recipe for Pumpkin Pie!

1 unbaked crust (1 cup flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/3 cup shortening (or more as needed), 5ish Tb cold water)
1 can of pumpkin puree or 3-4 cups of mashed cooked pumpkin
2 eggs
1 can evaporated milk
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
1/4 tsp cloves

(Preheat oven to 400F)

For crust: Combine flour and salt. Cut in shortening until the mixture is crumbly. Add water and knead until a dough ball forms. Roll out the dough so that it fits your pie plate.

For filling: Dump all the ingredients into your mixer and give it a whirl until it is all blended/homogeneous. Pour into the pie crust.

Bake the pie at 400F for 15 minutes, then reduce the temp to 350F and bake for 45 minutes or until the filling is set.


callmemama said...

I do NOT think you're a bad person - I just haven't been commenting much this week. I had your post tagged to go back to later and comment...but just never got around to it!
I think that unless your counselor has been through IF, she won't understand how completely isolating it is, and how much it can change who we are as well as how we interact with our friends and vice versa.
Glad you're feeling good about your decision though. That's the important thing :).

Melissa said...

I guess I view Friendship this way, you know you have a true friend and a relationship when you can just pick up where you left off. I've done that before...some friends & me just decided to take a break. We needed some time. And honestly, it was the best thing we ever could have done. We both got perspective on each others lives. Now, we're closer than ever.

But your friend is right...friendship shouldn't be that much work or filled with drama.

I'm sad they treated you that way; basically forgetting what you've been & going through. They should be there & stand by you no matter what.

I think you've made a good decision. Get that negativity out of your life. Who needs that?

Coco said...

Oooh. Mmmm. I think I need to have you make my Thanksgiving dinner, I'll bet it would taste MUCH better than usual. :) My idea of "homemade" pumpkin pie starts with a frozen crust and a can of already made filling... and it ends with a tub of Cool Whip. Mmm. Yours sounds much better. ;)

I LOVED the analogy of the pants not fitting. Stop tormenting yourself. Maybe you grew, and maybe they shrunk in the washer. Life is SO much nicer without all the drama and heartache.

Hillary said...

So glad you have peace! It sounds like a weight has lifted from your shoulders :)

the misfit said...

I commented, right??? I thought I did...

I agree that less drama is more. Sometimes with family, maintaining the relationship is all drama, all the time, but family you don't choose. With friends...if it's too much stress, I think it's fair to part ways. If they later say they want to do the work, you can always do that then.

I may be using this recipe...

Lindsey said...

I dislike when mom's think they are part of an elite group and are so proud to be mothers.

Being a mother is nothing to be proud of, it is something to be thankful for. God has allowed you to have children, and just because He hasn't given that blessing to us yes doesn't mean you are better, or more holy than us. I love this verse:

Proverbs 16:18-19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Ok, so that was a bit of a rant. But I agree with you, if your "friends" are going to be so insensitive to you, they don't deserve the effort. Especially after you have asked them to include you. I say stick with the friends that DO include you and care for you. Dealing with infertility is HARD, and you need to surround yourself with people that are sensitive to that. People that are going to support you, encourage you and love you. Not people that are going to hurt you and leave you out and make you feel like you are not worthy just because you don't have kids.

Coco said...

Totally random thought... do you have a good recipe for hot wings? Dying for some tonight! Mmmm.

Anna said...

Hey girlie! No, you are NOT a bad person! I didn't comment because I haven't been online in about 4 days. Don't feel bad. I have lost many friends throughout this process, including people who are family. Relationships have changed and will never be the same. It's sad and it sucks but sometimes you have to let go. Hang in there.

lowfatlady said...

You are not a horrible person. Your friend is right - friendship shouldn't be all this trouble and crap. I'm thinking of doing something similar myself but can't manage to do it.

AL said...

I'm so glad you have peace about your decision, friendship should NOT be that much work or cause that much stress. So I think you made the right choice in deciding to only be friends with those from the group who have been support and closer to you in your IF journey. You are definitely not a bad person!