OOH, possible debate!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

One of my bloggy buddies recently had this (mean, IMO) comment left on her blog:

I cannot understand how people desire so much to have a baby and sometimes go into debt to 'pay' for the child. Then they leave their new baby with someone so they can keep up with the same lifestyle they had before. Can someone please explain this to me? I believe there is so much pressure in our society to keep with the same lifestyle we have and yes, it is always hard to reduce our lifestyle to something more simple. I understand some mothers thrive on working and do both work and taking care of their child. Wonderful! But when someone has waited so long to have a child and then leaves them to go back to work, I cannot understand this unless they are seriously financially strapped. The hours days and months one will miss with leaving a child with someone else to go back to work is amazing. I wish there were more women who have waited so long to have children to then decide to stay home with them, cherish and relish those growing years, and decide to reduce their lifestyle to something more simple. Again, each to their own and not every mother needs to stay home with their kids. It's just puzzling for those who have waited so long for a child...

Agree or disagree? What would you say to this person??

I will go first... I think it is sad that (again) people who have waited so long for their kids are held to a different standard than those who just pop them out? Is being a mom who can balance work and motherhood mutually exclusive from being infertile mom? I don't know why it is so much more shocking that we would choose to go back to work than those people who don't even have to think about trying to conceive. If anything, we have more need to return to work to rebuild our dilapidated-after-ART savings accounts or repay the ultrasounds we put on the credit cards, while our fertile friends can continue with their yearly vacations to the beach with the money they didn't spend on fertility medications. And what if they are "seriously financially strapped" or even "financially strapped", and who are you to say what is "financially strapped"? It's pretty obnoxious to cast such a disparaging shadow on those who are in a tighter financial situation than you are. I am sure there are many women who would love to be stay at home moms (myself included, as I think there is alot to be said for the value and honor of being a stay at home mom), while I know several moms who tried staying at home and hated it, longing for a balance of work and home. Oh but wait, they were fertile, so maybe that is okay.

16 comments:

Baby Hopes said...

This comment seriously makes me a little angry. IRL, I wouldn't say a word... I'm not a confrontational person. But my thoughts on it are this:

For those of us who have been trying for years up on years to have that blessing, we know very well how meaningful it would be to have a child. And I do believe that given the immeasurably more difficult road to parenthood for infertiles, we all have a deeper appreciation in some ways for the miracle of becoming a mother. But does that mean that we should not have the same choices and live the same way that other mothers have and do? We're already branded and scarred in so many ways... must we spend the rest of our lives in constant repayment for what (I think some others feel) perhaps we weren't entitled to or shouldn't have received because we are infertile?

I think the journey through infertility effects us deeply enough to appreciate children in ways that those that do not have these struggles will never know or understand. That's not boasting or being smug... it comes with a lot of deep pain and being forever changed as a person. We hold the deep scars of years of empty arms, miscarriages, and the overall physical and emotional toll.

Should we be blessed with children, I think no one - absolutely NO ONE - has any place to tell us that we cannot try to live and enjoy our family as others do. Are we less deserving of the experience of parenthood that we should shut down all other aspects of our life and close off all other aspects of ourselves in sacrifice for what we "shouldn't have had in the first place?"

Not for one moment. Some children come easily. Some come through much difficulty. Some are desperately wanted. Some are unwanted. Yes, Hannah offered Samuel to the Lord --- a great sacrifice after so many years of infertility. Perhaps that is where this comment is coming from... any woman blessed with children must make a great sacrifice if she is blessed with children at last.

I don't believe that's God's heart though. I believe He wants us to be blessed and to learn through our journeys and enjoy the blessings He gives. That does not, however, require a sacrifice of any particular form. How that blessing is received with gratitude is matter between the couple and the Lord.

Sorry... inconsiderate comments such as the one you quote seriously cut me to the quick. I hope your friend is doing ok despite the hurtful comment. I cannot imagine...

Anna said...

Love you girl. And you know how I feel ;) Just as a caution- I closed comments on my rebuttal post, but I have an IP tracker and my blog got over 300 hits in less than 24 hrs. I ended up being VERY thankful that the comments were off so that a war didn't start! lol Hope your commenters keep it civil! :)

Glass Case of Emotion said...

WOW. I am shocked. I agree with what you wrote 100%. I am going to need to adopt, and so we are going to be mega- finacially strapped. I would love nothing more to stay home, but we can't afford it!

eggsandsperm.com said...

I totally agree with you. Why should an infertile mom be held to a different standard? I'm totally going to blog on this.

JC said...

OMG that is such an offensive comment!!!! I agree with you wholeheartedly. I would comment more but it will just raise my bloodpressure.

callmemama said...

Anyone who lives in our infertile world know how much it costs to build a family - whether by IVF or adoption. Most people have to beg, borrow and steal to afford it, and now this commenter is saying that if they go back to work to pay their bills they don't appreciate their motherhood enough? I don't buy it!
It smacks of the sentiment you hear a lot - "if you can't afford them, you shouldn't have them". Easy enough to say when it's free to have sex with your husband and get knocked up...
So she's saying, if you can't afford to stay home with them, you shouldn't have them.
And that's just ridiculous.

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

That comment seems like it came from an ignorant fertile. Someone who can't possibly understand everything, cost included, that goes into having a child with infertility. I'm sure several women have to work that don't want to but need to pay off the infertility treatments.

Either way, working or not, that alone does not define a mother. To each their own, and if working is what that woman wants to do-then so be it. I'm sure they are still a wonderful mother. I don't know if I'm wording it right, but I just think it was a little judgmental of that poster to imply she was a bad parent for working. Ugh.

Again to each their own. I know that despite spending a ton on fertility treatments, for us and our family, me not working once we have children is what is better for us. That doesn't work in every family and people need to respect that decision. I hope your friend knows that she is doing what is best for her and her family, and that is more important that some ignorant poster. I wish her all the best=)

Lindsey said...

I cannot believe that comment! It makes it sound like mothers who work should not have kids! Unreal.

I also wanted to ask you about Circle and Bloom, do you think it helped you? Would you recommend it? Is it worth it?

Melissa said...

Wow. Just Wow.

I hope that lovely Woman {April} realizes that not all of us WANT to go back to work after having a child that I prayed for. I had to. I had to for insurance reasons, to help my husband.

I must mention that while we were fortunate to not have to dig into our savings to have her, we did way the options of me quitting work and well, it just wasn't possible to MAINTAIN our current lifestyle. Keep in mind, we don't go on vacations or have nice cars...we just live within OUR means. And I'm OK with that.

I mean, we can't ALL be a lady of leisure. Seriously.

And April, if you read this...please note - don't judge us, try walking a mile in our shoes before you spew ignorant trash on other peoples blogs.

TeeJay said...

Wow...It's a very debatable topic, but definitely should not be Fertiles against Infertiles. It makes no difference how you come to be a parent...a stay at home mom is invaluable (IMO) but most families cannot afford that. I know plenty of people that are Fertiles and they choose/have to work. To say that because we had to fight tooth and nail (and spend oodles of money) to get a child does not mean that we should (or can) give up working. A very ignorant and insensitive comment, indeed. And in keeping with the theme of that poster...if babies are easy to come by does that mean that Fertiles just don't love their kids as much as Infertiles? I think not. Most mothers want only the best for their children and will stop at nothing to make sure they get it...the only way they know how...and if that is being a working mom or a sahm, then so be it. Infertiles should not be held to a different standard, period.

Bridget said...

wow. I don't even know what to say to this. But it pisses me off, that's for sure.

Coco said...

I don't think that ANYONE has the right to judge whether or not a mother can/should work. It is a deeply personal decision, and you NEVER know where another person is financially, especially after fertility treatments. I'm a bit outspoken, in case you hadn't noticed, and in person I definitely would've called her on it. How judgemental and ignorant.

AND I AM A SAHM!!!! I love it and wouldn't give it up for anything. I feel DEEPLY blessed to be able to do it, and my heart simply aches for those who wish to be a SAHM and are unable to for whatever reason. But it is a huge sacrifice financially. We are POOR to keep me home. We rent our home. We only have one car, which hubby drives to work and school (both full time), we have very little savings, and we live paycheck to paycheck. Is that the "smart" way to live? Probably not. And I get a lot of guff about it from other ignorant people who think they should be in everyone's business.

I would love to be in a position where we could put more money in savings, or go on vacations, or actually buy new clothes, get my hair done, or have cable tv. BUT I would far rather stay home with my blessing. And we get by.(Maybe when hubby is done with his PhD we can have some breathing room???)

But for now I just feel SO BLESSED to have found a way to be able to stay home. I know many women who are unable to find any possible way to stay home, and it kills them. My big sister is in the middle of an adoption, and because of her situation she will be entirely unable to stay at home with her precious baby. I know it kills her. She aches about it, but that isn't going to stop her from being the BEST DAMN MOTHER this side of the Mississippi.

RMCarter said...

I think anytime mothers nitpick or judge other mothers it's sad. And I was shocked how quick it begins. The minute you are pregnant, some people are ready to judge your choices and make you feel like "less than".

Katie said...

I read that on the original blogger's post, and my blood pressure. It took everything in me not to call that woman every nasty name in the book. For the life of me, I CANNOT understand why some women are so eager to judge others on how they should act in every aspect of their lives. What works for some people simply does not work for others. Our adoption will likely cost us our entire savings account. Is it in our best interest for me to then quit my job to stay at home with my baby? No, it's not. What happens then is we lose our home because we can't afford the mortgage on one salary, and then we live with our baby in a cardboard box. So for us, sending our child to some form of child care is our ONLY options. Kudos to that woman for being able to stay home. But her way isn't the only way, nor is it the "right" way.

fertilelychallengedblacksheep said...

hmmmm...so because I'm infertile and I'm not certain if I'll be able to stop working, that means I should have never entered into treatment in the first place? But if I was a fertile woman who never intended to give up her career, I could just have unprotected sex and it would be "wonderful" if I went back to my career and still took care of my child? Well, now I'm just plum confused. What I take from this statement is, it's OK if fertile career women don't stay home with their kids because they didn't really want them in the first place, but infertile women really want children so she should stay at home no matter what.

Well now, I think both infertile and fertile career women should be offended.

Jennifer said...

How insensitive! As someone who went back to work last Monday after 8 weeks off with my amazing daughter I find that comment totally offensive!

The fact that women judge other women is just ridiculous to me. How about we support one another and help one another. Going through fertility treatments and then adoption destroyed our savings. There's not much we could do to simplify at this point unless we sold our house and moved into a van down by the river. Not sure it's smart to even consider selling our home in the economy either. Not that we'd move into a van either. We need to rebuild our savings so I have no choice but to work. And even if I didn't HAVE to work, it's NO ONE elses business to tell me what I should or should not do! The fact of the matter is no one knows another person's financial situation unless they are told. Don't assume!

As for waiting longer than others and being held to a different standard that's just stupid. I hear people say all the time that just because a woman struggles or waits longer doesn't mean she wants that baby anymore. The tables can be turned to cause hurt anyway someone wants to turn them.

I try to look at my own faults instead of pointing out what I consider to be the faults of others. This person might be wise to do the same.