A Year Later (IF reflection)

A year ago, I had been taking lupron for a couple weeks, and was about to start follistim. I was embarking on our first shot at IVF, in which my response would be awful and we would decide to cancel the cycle.

Cancelled IVF cycles are not the norm, as far as I can tell, especially when so many women have resounding success on the very first try.

And yet, I can't believe how happy I sounded in the post about our cancelled cycle. I read it today and think, how could I have possibly used all those exclamation points on a day where our dreams had been shattered?

We would go on to try a new IVF protocol the very next cycle, this time to make it to retrieval and transfer, but our embryo would not stay with us.

I am not sure if any of you remember, but our due date for our second IVF cycle was January 25, 2011.

On January 30, 2011, we saw evidence that a new little baby had taken up residence within me.

It is hard to say that "if our first embie had made it, we wouldn't have this baby", but that is the truth. We will always cherish our embie from last May, but for some unknown reason, he was only here with us for a few days. The baby who has been with me for 12 weeks now is a totally different, precious person who has his/her own special purpose on this Earth. I am so grateful for both these children, and even more grateful for the ways that losing our first embie prepared us and changed us for the journey to the one who is here today.

So, almost a year after our first IVF was cancelled, I have a better appreciation for how God was preparing me for the pregnancy journey I am on today. I may have not understood at the time why our IVF journey was so rocky and unsuccessful, but God's ways are not our ways. He used all the heartache to prepare my body and my heart for the joy that was to come.

It is so easy to begin to see this in retrospect, and of course I wonder why it wouldn't just be easier for Him to reassure us at the point in time when our heart is shattered. You know "It is okay, child, I have already planned for you to conceive a healthy baby in 9 months, a baby that wouldn't be possible if either of your IVF's had worked." ...or something. But what would we lose on our spiritual journey if we didn't have to learn to trust God's Word that He works all things for good if we let Him, and that He will never abandon us?

I pray for God's continued blessing of health for the baby I carry today, and for all my friends who are praying for their child and wondering what to make of the latest heartache. Be assured friends, God is preparing you for your little one.