A Year Later (IF reflection)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A year ago, I had been taking lupron for a couple weeks, and was about to start follistim. I was embarking on our first shot at IVF, in which my response would be awful and we would decide to cancel the cycle.

Cancelled IVF cycles are not the norm, as far as I can tell, especially when so many women have resounding success on the very first try.

And yet, I can't believe how happy I sounded in the post about our cancelled cycle. I read it today and think, how could I have possibly used all those exclamation points on a day where our dreams had been shattered?

We would go on to try a new IVF protocol the very next cycle, this time to make it to retrieval and transfer, but our embryo would not stay with us.

I am not sure if any of you remember, but our due date for our second IVF cycle was January 25, 2011.

On January 30, 2011, we saw evidence that a new little baby had taken up residence within me.

It is hard to say that "if our first embie had made it, we wouldn't have this baby", but that is the truth. We will always cherish our embie from last May, but for some unknown reason, he was only here with us for a few days. The baby who has been with me for 12 weeks now is a totally different, precious person who has his/her own special purpose on this Earth. I am so grateful for both these children, and even more grateful for the ways that losing our first embie prepared us and changed us for the journey to the one who is here today.

So, almost a year after our first IVF was cancelled, I have a better appreciation for how God was preparing me for the pregnancy journey I am on today. I may have not understood at the time why our IVF journey was so rocky and unsuccessful, but God's ways are not our ways. He used all the heartache to prepare my body and my heart for the joy that was to come.

It is so easy to begin to see this in retrospect, and of course I wonder why it wouldn't just be easier for Him to reassure us at the point in time when our heart is shattered. You know "It is okay, child, I have already planned for you to conceive a healthy baby in 9 months, a baby that wouldn't be possible if either of your IVF's had worked." ...or something. But what would we lose on our spiritual journey if we didn't have to learn to trust God's Word that He works all things for good if we let Him, and that He will never abandon us?

I pray for God's continued blessing of health for the baby I carry today, and for all my friends who are praying for their child and wondering what to make of the latest heartache. Be assured friends, God is preparing you for your little one.

14 comments:

Mommy-In-Waiting said...

Beautiful. I wish you all the best on this miraculous journey and am glad the pregnancy is going so well=)

Katie said...

What a beautiful post!

xo

Rach said...

What a difference a year can make! Happy 12 weeks!

Leah said...

It's always so interesting to look back because then I feel like we really can make sense of "the plan." My IVF history sounds so similar to yours, and I have to say this. . . both of us had cancelled first IVF's. How do two women respond so poorly to their first IVF, yet go on to conceive without medications? It has to be a miracle, right? Thinking of you and that little baby of yours.

Coco said...

So sweet. You're making me get all misty eyed. Bless you and your babies.

Melissa said...

Reading this wonderfully written post really made my day. I needed to hear this today. Thank you.

Baby Hopes said...

I love this. Absolutely love it. So encouraging. Thank you!

Adele said...

Glad you are here, A. Congrats on 12 weeks.

Bridget said...

Love this post! xoxo

AL said...

happy 12 weeks! beautiful post.

Miss Mac said...

The journey to your miracle gives hope and encouragement to others still on the way. Congrats to you!

callmemama said...

Congrats on 12 wks!

I love this post :).

myjourneythruinfertility said...

thank you so much for you post today and for always sharing with us how your pregnancy is impacted being an IFer - your story gives me hope. after my last cancelled cycle (not IVF) it has taken me a long time to be at peace with why it happened and what it may be preparing me for. wishing you only the best :)

Hillary said...

So thankful the Lord has brought you to this place! And thank you for the encouragement as well.

xoxo

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