New Today/New Tomorrow

I know it's been too long- no good excuse really.  I really am going to try to revive this space in 2014, and I hope someone will hold me to it :)

After much praying (first we started out with high hopes to St. Joseph, and when he seemed a little uninterested, we resorted to the simple but to-the-point "Lord, have mercy on us"  hahaha), we received a contract on our place just before Christmas.  A Christmas miracle, if you will.  (Incidentally I always prayed for a Christmas miracle when we were trying to have a baby, and I never got one, so here it finally is in a different answered prayer!)  Just today we have agreed and signed and initialed the buyer's requests following the home inspection, so God willing, we will close early this year.  We are so, so grateful and so, so hopeful that God will continue to bless the sale of our home.

And also new today is a new cycle.  Good thing everyone else will be drunk, too!  Haha ;-)  We have been praying our hearts out for our house to sell, and so now that it seems like that one should be good to go, maybe I'll let myself dream about a sibling for M.  In the likely event that that doesn't happen though, we are thinking of maybe remodeling an upstairs bedroom to be a manly office for DH.  It'll be nice for him to have his own space, and it's not like we really need the extra bedroom!

New tomorrow is 2014.  Please be nice to us, okay?  ;-)

It's a.... townhouse for sale!

I know I've not posted in over a month, but we have been busting our tails updating our townhouse in Northern Virginia... if anyone is in the market for one, it's walking distance to the new Metro line and it is an awesome space.  Email me for details!

(PS.  Nothing else is new- Mr. A went out with his buddies tonight because every other Friday night in Oct he has been up at the "new place" as M calls it, and we have been joining him most of the Saturdays.  It's made for quite the month, and we are praying for a great buyer who will be very happy there!)

No || for me...

I want to post about our changing childcare situation, but I think I will need to wait until it is all resolved first.  Would appreciate prayers that we make the best decision for M....

(I know, total waste of a post, but I didn't want to leave you hanging that I might be with child again- AS IF!!!)

My first Gender Reveal

Well, my friend is having another girl.  The party was pretty fun- although M is very social, in new settings, she needs a minute (or several or lots) to take everything in, and it was no different showing up at a party with 10 other kids running full tilt.  But she eventually warmed up a little, and of course she enjoyed the pink pudding-filled cupcake :)

The only time I felt like grabbing her and running out of the house was when it was just M and I in their living room.  She had gone in to play with some toys they have in there, to get a little time to herself after being bulldozed by an especially excited 18-month old boy.  I hear my friend and two other ladies in the kitchen:

"I hear so-and-so is pregnant again."
"Yes, she was also pregnant as the same time as me last time."
{lots of squealing}
"ooooOOoooooh, isn't it so fun that everyone is pregnant again!!!!"
"Yes, I can't believe it happens that way!!!"

Not for everyone, folks.  I am just glad I was in the living room.  Even though only two tears tried to surface, it may have been awkward if I'd been in there with all the multiple-child mamas.

Of course I totally recognize that I'm beyond lucky to have been pregnant once, so I could have something to say when one of the women asked me later, "So which midwife delivered your daughter?", when I answered, cue more glee, "ooOOOooo, she delievered my second son!!  Isn't she greeeeeeaaatttt?"

Eventually it was bedtime, and we walked home and I felt a little quiet.  I am so, so grateful to have M and be able to be a mom.  So many days I thought my dream would never come true.  I might not get to experience another pregnancy, but I will always have the memories of carrying Maryanne, and the privilege of being her mom from here on out.

CD24 (?) and other random things

So to wrap up about my pity party: fairly light bleeding for a week, totally unlike any period I've ever had before.  If I count it as a normal one, though, today is cd24.  I had no fertile CM this "cycle", which is totally weird.  Every now and then, I wonder if maybe I will end up on M-T.V, not knowing I was pregnant (because isn't that what everyone always says: "I had a few days of bleeding and thought it was my period"?), but I don't think I'm that lucky for that to happen.  Will keep you posted...

Tonight I'm going to my first gender reveal party.  A good friend I've made here is due in mid-January with her second baby.  Her first daughter is 6 months older than M, and she lives right over the hill, so we see them at least once a week.  It is often bittersweet, because I would love for M to have a sibling, but I've just accepted that some visits I feel totally fine with her pregnancy (a total "oops"), and other times the longing I feel is fairly pronounced.  But my super-fine-with-it alter ego is throwing her a stock-the-freezer party in December, because I love to cook, and I cherish her friendship.  Isn't that a nice alter-ego?  ;-)

Other than that, this fall I have big plans for reorganizing, or really organizing for the first time, my perennial beds.  At this point, I have idea of what blooms best where and at what time, so I'm hoping that my big plans materialize!  I might even get all fancy and make a schematic of where I'd like to put stuff...oooooh!  Some of my big plans:  remove two scraggly evergreen bushes in front of the house, move perennial bush to where the evergreens used to be; move blueberry bush to more sun and add another blueberry bush; make room for strawberry plants.  Maybe if I make an actual list, it will help me be accountable :)

I am 5lbs away from my new, revised weight goal.  My original goal was 8lbs ago, but once I got there, I figured why stop there?  I signed up for an 8k in November with my cousin, and I'm hoping that the extra running will help me get the last pounds off.  I have not been at this weight since mid-highschool!  hahaha  It feels great!!!  All I can say is: PORTION CONTROL...even more than consistent working out, although that is a big part, too.  When I began my weight loss a year ago, I was completely astonished at how much more I was eating that I needed to/was supposed to.  I eat the same exact things (well, more lunch salads because I can eat more for the calories!), just more reasonable portions.  I am down 33 pounds, and hopefully I will lose the other 5 by the end of this year!  Yipee!  At least if I can't be pregnant again, I can be a very in-shape mama ;-)

Pity party: You're Invited

As I texted a friend yesterday: "I'm so done with reproductive nonsense."

When I last posted (argh, I know it was nearly 2 months ago), it was mid-June.  At the end of June, we went on a week vacation with my parents/extended family of my mom's side.  We found out the hard way that we will NEVER vacation with my uncle AGAIN.  Obnoxious, and unapologetic are a gross understatement.  That and a few other factors made for a fairly stressful week.  Did I mention that I was supposed to ovulate while we were there?  I had just written off the cycle, because you-know-what is not going to happen on a camping trip with the fam. 

But then we get back and the day I'm expecting my period to come comes and goes.  {The past year or so, I've had one cycle as short as 26 days, and others as long as 31.  I haven't been tracking ovulation so to speak.}  A week comes and goes.  Given the hilarious track record I have with hpt's, I waited until I thought, well what the hell, maybe ovulation waited for us to make up for lost time in the forest.  HAHAHA.  What a joke.  Of course it was negative.  I waited a few more days.  The second hpt was negative, to.  OBVIOUSLY.  Finally, I think on day 40 or 41, I started spotting in the evening.  I have never been so glad to start a new cycle.

Fast forward a little, and I was getting some "nice conditions" a little earlier than I expected, but Mr. A wasn't feeling well, so there was no taking advantage.  Then I went to visit my sister on cd13, but was back in time for some getting together with Mr. A on cd 14 and 15.  No biggie, as much as I would love another little one, I am just emotionally not up for all the hyper-tracking of cycles anymore. 

And then here comes all the stupidity that is just burning a hole in the nice little hakunamata bubble I have carefully crafted around myself.  The afternoon of cd17, what do I see upon an innocent trip to pee?  Blood-streaked cm!! 

The "spotting", but really let's call it light bleeding since it is nearly a normal pad's worth each day, has pretty much been red/orange since then (it's cd20 now), and I am just pissed.

In the rare chance that I have been able to coerce myself in being content with M and forgiving my sorry you-know-what body for being so uncooperative with the sibling situation, and after being so regular (in general), now my backward reproductive system decides to go and be all weird with the cycle length!?  Give me a break.  I have just gotten to the point where I can forgive myself for not having any more kids- I do not need to have to forgive myself for some random, unannounced, and unwelcome imbalance or problem or malady that all of a sudden comes down the road.

Before you go and say, OOH MAYBE IT'S IMPLANTATION, just stop yourself.   Of course there are hail mary stories of people who had gushes of blood and ended up with a healthy bouncing baby, but on the whole, in my limited understanding, I've had way more and way redder "spotting" (haha) than is normal for that.  And also, since the earliest we could have conceived is cd14, unless we have a speed racer in there, cd17 is too early for any of that craziness.

BLECH.

I'm not even upset at the idea that there will be no BFP this time.  I have made fairly appreciable progress in the idea of having only one child.  It's just that if I have had to accept that something isn't working right to make babies, then I think it is just laughably cruel that all of a sudden I'm going to be all irregular. 

My aunt said to call my midwife on Monday if I'm still bleeding, since the last two cycles have been weird.  I just don't even want to deal with it.  I don't want to deal with having bloodwork.  I don't want to deal with more appointments.  I was done with all that stuff.  I had accepted the quiet little one-child family life.  Stupid infertility, just let me have my normal cycles and leave me alone!!

Good friends

Another of my best friends just emailed that she is due with #2 in january... her kids will be 1.5 years apart.  I am happy for her of course but it stings a little cause I always wanted kids close together and who even knows if we will be blessed with another.

I wrote her back the usual congratulations etc., because Im not sure how "man, Im so jealous" would have gone over.

H, if youre reading, I mean that in the most non-jealous way possible haha!

Feeling "led" (for once?)

A couple years ago, when I was a new peer counselor at the largely-evangelical-staffed pregnancy center, I was exposed some prayer language that I was not really used to.  One example was, "If you feel led, please pray for {whatever}".  If I felt led?  What does that mean?  Not like God is going to peek out from around the corner, and say, hey come pray this way....  did it mean if I decided to pray about {whatever}?

It went along the same lines of confusion/bewilderment as the Christian radio station's membership drive, where they would say, "Just pray about how much God is asking you to give."  I chuckled out loud the first time I heard it.  As if God is channel you (or at least me) a specific dollar amount to pledge to this organization!!!!  (I've written about this before.)  They surely meant to go home and check the budget and see how much was left over?

Anyway, from my experience, more often than not, most people use "if you feel led" in a way similar to "if you have time" or "if you wouldn't mind".  And maybe sometimes people really mean, "if you think it is a good idea" or "if you sit down to pray about it and you just have an overwhelming urge to pray for {whatever} then do so".

The latter is what I'd call actually "feeling led", and it might have just finally happened to me.  Fake it until you make it, right?  hahahahaha ;-)

Ever since period-ageddon in February and subsequent soul searching in March, I have pretty much not prayed for any more babies.  It has just been too hard to dream, and I felt that praying for contentment with our family as-is was a much more reasonable prayer that could be answered in the affirmative.  And I think it has helped.  I have been feeling fairly positive about having only one child- even started a list on my phone of pro's on the matter- and did you know that there is a whole website dedicated to only children?

Then my friend up the road, whose daughter is 6 months older than M, shared with me that she is pregnant with #2.  I give her major credit, because she had just found out the day before, and unless she already posted it on facebook (which I doubt), I think I may have been among the first people to know.  It has been quite a while since I felt like I was that trusted from a friend, you know, that I was a good enough friend to be that vulnerable with.  That felt awesome, but of course the news itself stung.*

So then I'm sitting rocking M that night, and I'm trying to pray for contentment like I have been doing for months now, and all I could think was "Why am I stuffing away my deepest prayer for another baby?  My prayers for contentment are sincere and true, but I shouldn't only pray for contentment just because it is easier/more attainable.  We would love another baby, and I would like to pray for that, too."  And so, I kind of reflected on all that, and I came to the conclusion that maybe that is what it's like to "be led" to pray for something.

But this all comes with caveats.  For the sake of my Christian faith, I'm being led by the Holy Spirit.  For the sake of logic and cynics, I'm being led by jealousy.  (Oh sure, only when one of your closest friends is pregnant do you want to start praying for another baby!)  Also, just because we can be confident that God hears our prayers (1 John 5:14), doesn't mean that He is going to say yes, so of course my skeptical IF heart still asks, what is the point?  Haha  ;-)

But for now, I've added praying that God would allow us to conceive a happy, healthy sibling for M back to my list of petitions.  Only after asking for contentment with the family which God choose to make of us of course, because I have come to rest in that prayer, even if it was forced at first.  My expectations are still pretty low that we'll get another BFP, but at least I won't feel like I'm just ignoring that tiny little voice in my heart.  I guess it's about time I feel "led"...given the name of this blog and how much I've focused on the "journey" of all this!!


*Supposedly it had taken "a long time" with their first daughter (not exactly sure how long), and I guess they had been preventing somehow since then, because this was "the one time" that nothing had been in place, and whadya know.  She is totally on board with how precious this life is, and how exciting this is, and how amazing it is that people get pregnant at all with the technically tiny window of opportunity, but I just wanted to laugh and laugh (not at her, at the situation).  The one time!?  Mr. A and I have been married for 8 years this July, and we have never ONCE used any kind of prevention!  Hahahahahahahahaha Shouldn't we have like 7 kids now??  But I am so honored that she would trust me with this information, so that is really my biggest "takeaway"...

What do you think?

Do you like my new layout/template?  :)

End of an era

Apparently, the free blog template that I've been using for 4 years (has it really been that long?!) is not really working anymore- I guess they removed some of the pictures or something!  I love this template, so I'm really sad that I will need to find a new one.  I've been searching for unique free blog templates, but so far they all look so much the same.  Blah.  I need to make up my mind, though, because the error picture on the left-hand side is bugging me ;-)

(And an update on my friend who miscarried her baby- we have talked/emailed several times, and it seems as though what I've said/written has been well-received and encouraging to her.  Thanks for all your advice!)

My (fertile) friend had a miscarriage

I was admittedly shocked.  It seems as if my fertile college friends have been immune to all-problems-reproduction, and so I am just kind of speechless.  I do not know the pain of miscarriage, and I would never wish infertility or a miscarriage on anyone, and I am pretty sure that while some emotions are the common, there are differences in the struggle of infertility and the grief of miscarriage.  I just never expected any of my fertile friends to even come close to the infertility/infant loss circle. 

She would have been 14w today.  I called her and left a voicemail and emailed her with the same sentiment: that I was praying for her and that she could call anytime and I would be a shoulder for her for whatever she was needing to say or cry.  I asked her to let me know how I could be the best friend to her in this time of sadness.  I don't really expect to hear from her, but I feel like that was a good start.

What more can I do?  She lives several states away.  Flowers?  An miscarriage remembrance necklace?  A care package with treats?  How have you supported miscarriage survivors in your life?

As a 2-time marathon finisher...

Belated Happy Easter

Our Easter was great this year :-)  We filled a whole pew at church, and afterwards we hosted brunch for everyone... 9 adults and 2 tots.  I made everything from scratch: spiced nuts, fresh fruit, cinnamon rolls, warm ham, fresh bread, fried potatoes, couscous with peas and pine nuts, spinach salad, breakfast casserole.  My sister brought a cake that was excellent, too. 

This year, we tried using natural dyes for our eggs.  I am so excited about the results!  Here are our results (hope the picture loads!) (all white eggs except the first one):

Red cabbage with brown eggs: dark teal
Red cabbage: bright blue
Red onion skins: dark red
Turmeric: yellow
Red zinger tea: green
Yellow onion skins: orange

Basically you just have to boil the natural ingredient in enough water to cover the eggs for a half hour, then let it cool, strain it, add 1 tbs of vinegar per cup of dye, pour over eggs, and refrigerate overnight.  I found the colors to be so much richer than fake dyes- everyone commented on how beautiful they were!  What is cool is that I had everything to make the dyes except the red cabbage!  I definitely will do this again next year and indefinitely after that!!

CD1- might as well get to the point

I need to get out of the habit of only posting once a new cycle starts.  Oh well, at least you can be sure you'll hear from me once a month!  Hahaha ;-)

I actually started bleeding yesterday afternoon but for the sake of CD1-ing, I'm starting today.  Ever since I've gone to acupuncture (although I haven't been since just before Christmas) and doing yoga, I haven't had any cramps with my period, so it's not a physical issue really, it is just still the emotional disappointment.  I couldn't even remember if we had good timing this time, but it is just such a BUMMER when even infertile people sometimes have no problems conceiving #2.  I have tried to have a good day- I took the nanny and M out to lunch, and I have taken alot of gentle, deep breaths when it seems like I'm holding back tears.

By the grace of God, however, we do have M, and I joined a moms class at church several weeks ago (it is not an aimless "group"- we actually have a book and it's more about self-reflection and how that relates to motherhood).  The second week, they asked us to give our reflections on how the first week went.  The only thing I had to say was not really related to the class' content.  I said, "I am just so grateful to be here at all, because there were years when I wasn't even "eligible" to be a part of a group like this and I never thought I would be, and now I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to be my daughter's mom."  The other women in the group thought this was just the most profound, deep thing, but I wasn't sugar coating it or trying to win any philosophical awards.  That is my reality: alot of times, I was sure that I wouldn't be a mom, and now I am.

Which is why I feel really obnoxious for feeling bummed on CD1's.  I have been praying every night for contentment in our family.  Even that prayer feels a little weird, because "be content" is what you squawk at someone who doesn't really have what they want, but what they have is very good.  I read a post by another blogger recently that made me squirm.  It was about how as infertile mothers, we shouldn't focus so much on infertility or our rocky path to motherhood because our children will know if they are not "enough" for us.  Ouch.

It's not that M is not enough.  Her smiles and laughter and generous, friendly spirit has filled the hole in our family, and she is more than enough.  We are so, so lucky and grateful for her.

I just have insecurities over having an only child.  Only children get a bad rap, and my mother is not shy in proclaiming the selfish nature of parents who only have none or one or two children, because clearly they chose to only have a small family so they could afford a fancy house and fancy vacations and have a large bank balance.  And so what happens when you want more kids but you find yourself landed in the small family category when you never wanted to be there?

The chapter in my moms class last week was on self-growth, and admittedly most of the chapters have had some hokey kumbaya moments in them, one of the exercises was to identify an area where you feel most insecure or unstable and commit to doing things to help that area.

Mine was accepting myself.  Accepting that unless, at the not so young reproductive age of 33, I miraculously become super fertile (can I get a big YAH RIGHT?!), I'm going to have a small family.  Accepting that my mom's prejudices and judgements of people with small families were not all true or kind or fair.  Accepting that there are lots of good things about having a small family (fancy vacations!  oh wait... hahahaha)

Two of my "things to do" to work on accepting myself are to (1) make a list of positive aspects of having a small family, and keeping it handy so I can refer to it when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unworthy or not good enough, and (2) seeking out small families (parents, 0-2 kids) who are completely fulfilled and happy and content.

Can you help me?  If your family is small, especially if it's not what you envisioned you'd have, can you give me some encouragement or advice or positives I can add to my list?

A tough day: how did I survive 3+ years of CD1's?

Yah, so apparently I was bloated for NOTHING.  Today was not a good day. 

Not the least of which I can blame on two of my idiot college "friends" who emailed for the first time in TWO YEARS yesterday, and "updated" the rest of us (i.e. me, the only one who isn't on f.acebook, because I guarantee all of the content of their emails has been public knowledge on faceboo.k for quite some time) that one of them had a baby LAST YEAR, and the other of them is 20-something weeks pregnant.  News flash, egomaniacs, if I haven't heard from you in two years, I don't really care anymore.  I have gotten over that we have grown apart, and maybe you should just accept that we aren't friends anymore either.

Because I am just emotionally spent, and I am going go pour myself a glass of wine, here is an email that I sent to my aunt tonight:

Soooooo, the day went totally downhill after you left.  I hate to say it, but I just had a really hard time articulating to Mr. A why I was so bummed, and he was so great about trying to be understanding.  I was just in a funk all afternoon.

After reflection and prayer, I decided that I just can't do this to myself at this point.  It is not fair to Mr. A or M, and I have ZERO idea how I hoped with all my heart every month for over 3 years before M got here.  I realized that all the other months since August I have just not even been hoping that we will conceive, and it has made the arrival of a new cycle just another day.  For whatever reason, I felt so different this time, but it totally killed me today.  Especially after my obnoxious friends' emails yesterday.  As much as I would love for M to have a sibling, it is not worth having a ruined day every 28 days, and it appears that I am all or nothing as far as trying for a baby- either I let myself hope every time and deal with enormous heartbreak when it doesn't work, or I just assume that I need to keep a regular stock of pads on hand... I can't really do the hope and not let it bother me if it doesn't work.

I am 100% happy with our family of three, and for my own (and Mr. A's) sanity, I am just going to go with that from here on out.  I do have some insecurities with M being an only child, not because we don't want another baby, but because it just doesn't seem like it happens easily for us.  I hate that she will probably be lumped into "only child" stereotypes of not being a good sharer, being high maintenance, bratty, and unwilling to compromise and help out, but we will obviously do our best to make sure she is surrounded by lots of friends (and cousins) so that she will learn all those things.  I hate that in the back of my mind, my mom's comments about people who only had one child will always haunt me ("their son was killed in a car wreck and now they have no children- they shouldn't have just had one", "poor child will be the only one to take care of their parents when they are old", "the best gift you can give your child is a sibling"), but it is not fair to M if every month of the next few years, her mom goes a little nuts trying to make sure that things happen at the right time and then 2 weeks later there is nothing to show for it, and she spends the day moping around.

So we decided to take down the bunk beds this evening after dinner, and make that into a proper guest room and reorganize Mr. A's office (eventually).  His parents' new house has a room with no beds, so I'm sure they can put them in there, and if by some craziness we actually end up needing bunk beds, well I will be more than glad to spend the money to get a set at that point.  But seriously not holding my breath on that one.  We will still have enough space for two rooms of guests when people visit, but after my issues today, the bunk beds were mocking me.  No really, they were laughing in my face!  hahahahahaha ;-)

Anyway, my sister said to hang in there, but I'm not going to play that game.  I'm done, I told her ;-)  She said she will keep hoping for me, and you can, too if you want, but I am not sure how much hope I'm going to hang onto at this point.  I mean, it would be awesome, but I just don't have the energy to deal with the disappointment, on top of being the best wife and mom I can be.

Thanks so much for your support!  I can't even express how much it means to me :)
Love ya,
A

Thanks for praying, and Revisiting ttc stuff

I've been meaning to update since last Friday, when we held the neighborhood potluck and raised over $1000 for the family who lost their home!!!  There are a few neighbors who I know personally who didn't come for extremely lame reasons, and so while I'm disappointed in them, we had an overall perfect turnout (not too big, not too small), the family felt surrounded by supportive friends, and we even met some young families in the neighborhood that we can now hang out with!!  Win, win, win, for sure :)  Thank you for praying for the event and for the family :)

A few days ago, I was talking to one of our neighbors, and he said that someone remarked to him that I was just glowing during the dinner.  And I think I probably was, because throwing parties is totally in my element, but the word "glowing" has really tough connotations for an infertile/infertility survivor.  I mean, other than maybe a bonfire, I don't know any other common use of the word except to describe a pregnant person.  And it just brought me back to when my acupuncturist described me as glowing before I ever knew I was pregnant with M.  And since the potluck was a couple days before I think I ovulated, I'm now in the early 2ww, and that comment, along with the most pronounced "symptoms" I've had since my cycle returned in August, it totally playing tricks with me.  Did you know there is a thing called Early Pregnancy Factor?  As if infertiles need any more encouragement that they can feel symptoms before implantation, hahaahahahahaha.

But you know, we are so in love with Maryanne, that if our family is the three of us, we are totally and completely happy.  I've been praying lately for the wisdom to know when enough is enough, as far as asking the Lord to expand our family again. 

But holy bloating, there better be a good reason for it ;-)

Prayer Request

Would you please pray for me?  One of our neighbors' house burned completely to the ground this week, and I'm feeling compelled to organize a neighborhood-wide potluck to benefit them.  I love planning parties, but I have never done anything this large.  Would you please pray that everything comes together, and that we have a great turnout, and that the family who lost everything but their lives would feel the support that we have for them? 

I would be so grateful!  :)

New verse

Long before M was conceived, I chose Isaiah 66:14 to pray for our child.  It was scrawled on a post-it on my computer monitor, where I saw it while I worked each day.  It is what I prayed as I sat on the tub holding our first positive test, two years ago.

Last night, in reflecting on my current position in my journey to/through motherhood, I decided I needed a new verse to "claim", as some would say, to allow me to focus on the right things, and not get bogged down in my own ideas. 

One of my favorite hymns is "Eye Has Not Seen", and we sang it in church a few weeks ago, and it has become one of my favorite songs to sing to M as she drifts to sleep.  It occurred to me that this is the perfect verse for me right now, and so it's going up on a post-it this afternoon:

"But as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, nor the heart of man imagined- the things God has prepared for those who love Him."

CD1

OBVIOUSLY.  It would have been too easy, too perfect, to get another BFP almost exactly 2 years later.  Stuff like that only happens in the movies.  Or to fertile people. 

All morning I have been arguing with myself.  There is the one half of me who is bummed, sarcastic, and insecure.  Then there is the other half of me who sees no reason to complain: there is a perfect little 15-month old peacefully sleeping upstairs after making pie dough and playing with her babydoll and running errands with me this morning.

Over the weekend, I caught myself several times thinking, wow I have finally hit my mom stride.  I work out every day, eat well, work full time, practice yoga, make all 98% of our meals from scratch (aside from the maybe one or two times we go out to eat every month), and be the best mom I can be to M.  I recently got this cookbook, and I have been way reinspired to make nearly everything homemade, from scratch.  Over the weekend, among normal meals, I made granola, 2 loaves of bread, pasta dough into ravioli (enough for 2 meals), breadcrumbs, lots of vegetable purees for secretly nutritional things (although M loves her veggies- she eats peas and green beans before anything else on her plate!), and this morning I made pie dough for my own toaster pastries, i.e. pop tarts.  It feels awesome!! 

I knew I was towards the end of my cycle, and this weekend I found myself thinking back to the first few months with M when I was a cooking mess- nothing was ready on time, much less at the same time as any other part of the meal, and I just could not get it together.  (I know, I've retroactively cut myself some slack, but I felt like such a huge failure at the time.)  But as I've been preparing all of these awesome things from my own kitchen, I was thinking, what if I'm pregnant?  Will I be able to keep this up when the new baby comes?

Which is just hilarious, as the CVS clerk can attest to the 2 huge boxes of pads I bought this morning.  Hahahahaha!

And then last night I started spotting, and I just thought to myself, well duh.  Why were you even hoping?

This morning I have been going back and forth all over the place.  One minute I am just so disappointed (although to be honest, our timing stunk last cycle, so it was a crazy long shot), and the other minute, I am so grateful that I can give M my undivided attention and love.  One minute, I am so jealous of people who get pregnant easily, and the other minute, I am beating myself up because how dare I complain- I have been blessed with M (and also because technically, we got pregnant with her "easily", in that we were on no meds and doing nothing except normal babymaking)!!!

It's a weird thing.  I apologize if this is hurtful for those of you with empty arms; if it seems insensitive that I'm complaining about CD1 even though we have M. We are so, so grateful for her, and she is 100% filled the hole in our family.  When it comes down to it, we are completely happy if God's plan for our family is the three of us.

But how long do I let myself wonder if our family will ever be any bigger?

Who me? An award!

Did you know I still have (at least) one reader?  AND, I didn't even know she was a reader!  How fun was it for me to check my email, and see that I've been nominated for an award by Erica at Home of the Hansens.  I have just gone over and gotten to know her blog, and she has a beautiful daughter and seems of a very similar spirit as me.  I'm so so glad she nominated me, so I can add her to my blogroll and keep up with her!!  Thank you, Erica!

So anyway, she has given me the Liebster Award, and here are the details:

1. List 11 facts about yourself
2. Answer the 11 questions the blogger who nominated you left
3. Ask 11 new questions for those you nominate
4. Choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate
5. Go to each bloggers page and let them know about the award
6. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog

Here are 11 facts about me!

1.  I am addicted to Lands End clothes.  Especially since I've lost 30 lbs since September, and I literally needed some new clothes that fit.  Someone take their website down!  Hahaha
2. I took classical ballet for 8 years when I was younger (gradeschool/middleschool), and I was in our production of The Nutcracker each year, so I was everything from a soldier (my first year) to a snowflake and Arabian (solo) (my last year)!
3. Roasted Chicken is one of my favorite things to make for dinner.  Not only is it pretty easy to make (just stuff some herb butter under the skin and on the outside and throw it in the oven for a couple hours), but it is so versatile- you can make stock from the bones, and unless you have a family of 5 or something, you can get at least 2 meals from the meat!
4. One of my goals for 2013 is a whole-house purge.  Every closet is (hypothetically) going to get emptied, and stuff we dont use is either going to the trash or the early summer neighborhood yard sale.
5. I've been at my job for ten and a half years.  WHOA.  Where on earth did the time go?  
6. I have been practicing yoga for 2 years now, and I absolutely love it.  I love the meditative side for quiet moments, and the power/flow side for weight loss and cardio!  I am by no means an expert (I tried to do a headstand against the wall, and all I have to say is YAH RIGHT!  hahahhahaha), but I guess I will get more adventurous as the years go by :)
7.  I love to be outside.  I take M outside to play at every opportunity, and I hope she grows up liking being outside with me!
8. I've run 2 full marathons (4:02 and 4:19), 2 half marathons (1:56 and 2:04), and lots of 10-milers.  That was in my previous running life, but I absolutely loved running!  Maybe someday I will be the super-fit 50-something who goes cruising by the 20-something in the last mile ;-)
9. I'm the oldest of 4 kids...and now that we are all grown up, we are really good friends :)
10. I really want to keep up better with my blog.  I am thinking about making a commitment to myself to post once a week.  That shouldn't be too hard, should it?
11. I've never been to New York City- the traffic and chaos kind of scares me!!

Here are my answers to her questions!

1. If you could switch places with anyone for a day, who would you choose?  One of my younger siblings.  I think it would be so neat to have an older sibling.

 

2. Favorite season and why  It used to be summer, but since we moved to our rural mountain/valley location 5 years ago, my favorite season is fall I think.  It so beautiful, and the temperatures are refreshing after the hot summer

3. Who is your greatest role model? (And don't say Jesus.)  I think I would choose my Aunt.  She is an awesome wife and mom, and also she is incredibly faithful/spiritual, and amidst all the hurry of managing her large family, she still makes time for herself and hobbies that make her happy. 

4. What is one thing you hope the next generation will change?  I hope they will get back to more traditional values and expectations of hard work and success.

 

5. If you had to live every day in the same pair of shoes, what shoes would you pick?  My driving mocs from Lands End.  (see #1 of facts about me, hahahaha)

 

6. How many children do you hope to have? (And do you have names picked out?)  I would love to have 3, but after how long it took to conceive M, I am not holding my breath.  I dream of being one of the infertile-turned-fertile people, but also not holding my breath...   We like the name Felix if we ever have a boy..?

 

7. What are three words you would hope someone would use to describe you?  Optimistic, Generous, Friendly

8. What is your worst habit?  Not washing my face at night

 

9. What is your favorite scent?  Homemade rolls baking.  Or anything cooking that fills the house with a homey scent :)

 

10. In one sentence, what do you believe is the purpose of life?  I believe that one should live their lives in a way which inspires others to be the best people they can be and not settle for mediocre or what everyone else is doing or what is cool at the time.

 

11. If you could excel in any special skill or talent, what would you choose?  I would choose being patient all the time.  Haha :) 

 

 

Here are my nominees!

 

Lady Grey

Waiting for Something Beautiful

Sillyness Abounds

Day by Day

A child to call me mama

Inconceivable!

Kooking in Kate's Kitchen

Fertile Ramblings

While I'm Waiting

just being

MAC and PC

And now some questions for my nominees!

1.  How did your life change in 2012?
2.  What is one of your goals for 2013?
3.  Real books or e-books?
4.  What is your favorite dessert?
5.  What do you like most about your personality?
6.  Where do you volunteer (or where would you like to, if you had the time)?
7.  What is your favorite book and/or author?
8.  What do you do to relax after a long day?
9.  What is your favorite holiday?
10.  Who are your pets?
11.  How would you rate your cooking skills?

Hopefully we can all find new things to connect about!  Thanks again Erica for nominating me for this award :)