In the Meantime

Monday, April 20, 2009

The other day, I was talking to a friend who is just starting her infertility journey. We had both just started new cycles and were commiserating on another month gone by. She told me "at least if you never become a mom, you're still an awesome person". What?! If I never become a mom!??! I teased her that I'm in denial, that of course I'll be a mom someday!! She went on to say that it's her way of dealing with the situation; her way of not letting the quest for motherhood completely take over and color the rest of her life.

Even though I teased her that I'm in denial, I am cognitively aware that no one has promised me a child, and that there is a possibility that God will call us to praise Him even while we live, possibly for the rest of our lives, child free. But somehow, I believe in my heart that God has called me to be a mom, and I really believe there will be a day when I can tell Mr. A that he's going to be a dad! So what do I do in the meantime, to not let my quest for motherhood completely take over and color the rest of my life? Or maybe let's say these are things I try to do...I am only human!!

This one is by far the hardest thing I (try to) do in the meantime. When we first started trying for a baby (and admittedly some of the more recent cycles, too, for some reason) I spent the last few days of the two week wait thinking that this cycle is the one where God has blessed us. The last cycle was particularly hard in this respect because it was right before Easter and everyone was talking about new life this and new hope that. What's a girl to do but hitch her wagon to that train?! Honestly though, after going on and on to God about how I hoped and believed in His goodness and blessing in the baby department, I begged him for mercy and grace in the event that I had not conceived and the strength to praise Him without one. Turns out, He came through- grace and mercy have definitely been hanging around the last few days. ANYWAY, the perspective I try to keep is that God's plan is bigger and better than mine, as long as I hand this sorrow over to Him and let Him turn it to joy. Maybe it feels like waiting two weeks after ovulation is an eternity and I won't be able to make it another round, but to God, it's just a blink of an eye, and although He does know the intimate details of my life, He wants me to keep my eyes focused on Him and His goodness, and not worrying and fretting (too much, haha) if this particular cycle didn't (or doesn't) work out. He's got it all under control.

Every day me and Banana go on 2 40-minute walks. And every day I use this time to pray for everyone I can think of, and especially for those whom I've promised to pray. When I focus on praying for others, it helps me to take the focus of myself and the same-old, same-old prayer request of mine. Also, especially when my prayers for others include prayers of thanksgiving for good in their lives, it is uplifting to my heart about my own requests. I also pray for our own requests/thanksgivings, even when I don't really feel like it.

Hey wait a minute, I thought relaxing was supposed to bring babies.... Truthfully, Mr. A has alot to do with this because somehow he has reached a place where he has accepted 100% that it just hasn't been our time yet and there is no use being sad and messing up our Easter (um, for example....) just because we were hoping for a different outcome. So, we plant and tend to our little veggie garden and flower patches, go on motorcycle rides, watch Ne.tflix movies, play with Banana, spontaneously make breakfast for dinner, and generally enjoy the life that we have been blessed with at this moment in time. Mr. A definitely keeps me grounded about this journey, and I am so thankful for his leadership and poise as the head of our family.

......Of course that is assuming there is something coming up, because if not, right now is not exactly a "meantime", but I'll just assume at some point down the road, a little one will be bopping around here in footie pajamas.


Becky said...

I love this post! I think I will be coming back to read it again and again, especially during my upcoming 2ww.

I don't like to even think about living the rest of my life child free. I have peace with not having a biological child, but not with never being a mom at all. I truly hope that one day I will be.

the misfit said...

Your life sounds so beautiful. I can say defiantly that I have a good life (maybe better than with kids!) sometimes, but I don't really stop to appreciate how wonderful it is, interiorly, even if I try to acknowledge my blessings when talking to other people. Gratitude...there's a thought. You have a wonderful spirit!

Hillary said...

I could relate to so much of this post!! Thank you :)

A said...

Thanks for your comments, girls!! So glad you can relate- makes me feel like I'm not alone, too! :)

Stacey said...

I'm getting caught up after a week-long absence from the blog world! Just wanted to say hi and that I'm so glad you continue to blog. This is a great post. For me, it's ditto what Becky said. I feel certain that the Lord will fulfill my desire to parent, whether biologically or by adoption. Even though I am at peace with that, it's still a daily struggle to keep that perspective.

Thanks for sharing this!