Peaceful Surrender

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In all the excitement and relaxation of the camping trip, and during my busy last two days at work, I have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be (I think) well on my way of detaching or surrending my sense of anxiety and worry about having a baby to God's will for our family. Maybe it's just that my mind has been way more occupied with things that are actually going on around me. And sure, I still pine for a positive pregnancy test and to welcome home our first baby on January 16, 2010 (ha! gotta love the online due date cal.culators!). But I have not worried about it since last Thursday! I have a crazy peace that if God's will includes a baby for us this month, He will make it happen. We did our best and offer our marriage and all we hope for our family to God.

I have been wondering, though, if this is a sign of weakness in perseverance or in my zeal for trying. It's not like I am apathetic now; I still very much hope and pray for a biological baby. I try to remind myself that Jesus surrendered Himself to God's will, too, and I think we should be encouraged by His example that surrendering to God's will and putting what we think should be happening aside is a very powerful way of following Jesus. Of course I will still go to my RE appointment (5/21, by the way) and see if he thinks my OB missed something; we will take the RE's recommendations and compare them with the boundaries Mr. A and I have set for ourselves as far as infertility treatment goes; I will still use my monitor and get an almost hilarious excitement when I see the little egg symbol!; I will still take my vitamins....

But I won't obsessively take my temp at 6am (especially on the weekends!)- after almost 5 years of that between avoiding and trying, I think I am due a break-; I won't be interested in babymaking activities only when babymaking could happen; I won't pitch a hissy fit if our timing isn't perfect; I won't come up with some crazy way our timing could be perfected if it is looking like some event will get in the way; I won't think that if I could just make sure we get together on xyz days, we will surely have a better shot at the baby.

I am not ruler of the universe, after all!

I am going to try to keep this surrender thing going as long as I can. It is kind of refreshing! I was talking to my mom (who is ironically very in-favor of us going to the RE, despite her opinions on ART) who was saying that she hopes they find something wrong that is easily fixable. I told her flat out that my gut feeling is that there is nothing wrong and it just hasn't been God's time for us to become parents yet. Recently that is honestly how I feel. (I could be wrong, though!) God has taught me alot along this road, and for that I am really thankful and grateful. If He hadn't led us on this path, I don't think I would have ever had such an appreciation of His love and mercy for us- not to mention what it feels like to feel empty and sad while professing my trust in God's plan and knowing deep down that He has already scooped me up and is letting me be crumpled and crying in His safe hands.

New piece of info about me, I volunteer at a pregnancy center. The other day, I witnessed my first-ever ultrasound. WOW. I work with another lady who has 3 kids, and she excitedly encouraged me that if I hadn't seen one before, I should go watch because they are so cool!!!! Hmph, how could I be gloomy gus at that?! I stood there in the room watching the u/s monitor, in complete awe that this girl who wasn't even showing yet had this little baby with arms and legs and a heartbeat who was swimming around inside her! I am still in awe that for some people, making kiddos is so effortless and so taken for granted. Of course, the women we see don't take it for granted in the sense that I'm thinking since they have the complete opposite perspective on the whole situation, but I guess in a way, that in itself is taking the miracle of creation for granted. I didn't even think to be sorry for myself because I was so caught up in how cool it was (my covolunteer was right!). I did definitely think (more than once), gosh, please let this be me someday. But in keeping with how I've been feeling lately, I was really calm about it and just gave up any temptation to feel sorry for myself-- I am pretty sure it will be me someday, and that the "when" is just not up to me!

I'm now 2dpo, and due to start my period on Mothe.r's Day. I tell you, God must think I am some kind of superhuman with superfaith or something! In the last year, I have gotten my period on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Ha! I give all the heartache about this over to God and ask Him to change it to joy. I beg Him to give us the desires of our hearts, but I have a peaceful feeling that it is okay to trust God with this right now. We'll see how I'm doing in 2 weeks (haha), but hopefully I will still be blessed with this. It's certainly been a long time coming!


Praying for Hope said...

I've tried to give our timing over to God. I'm not always successful, but it's working our overall. I enjoy not obsessing over whether we should have BD'd more frequently or on a better day. It's kept my sanity in balance.

Hillary said...

I can definitely relate to letting go of the many TTC related things you mentioned (temping, freaking out about when we would BD or missing BD....) and it is indeed a breath of fresh air. God is control and that is GOOD.