Today is one of those that are few (very few) and far between where I am not so burdened with our lack of baby(ies). Maybe because it is a beautiful beautiful spring day, but whatever it is, I'll take this day as a respite from the storm.
I had lunch with Mr. A's brother and parents (we all get along great), and we were all happily looking forward to our family vacation at the beach in early June. Happily remembering the fun times from last year, and figuring out who is bringing what to eat and drink this year. Happily wondering what the new beach will be like, compared to the place we went the last 2 years. I am somehow happily not even considering that I might be in the bloated stage of the first trimester and that I'll look normal (haha, I was going to say "good", but I have been slacking on the ab workouts!! haha!) in my bathing suit. We had a wonderful happy uplifting lunch, and that has really boosted me up for at least (hopefully) the remainder of the day, and for that I am humbly thankful.
Of course, any other normal day, I would be frantically trying to pull up my mental calendar (what is it, like 2 months away still?!) and trying to figure out what cycle day we'll be leaving and coming home and how that will affect our timing.... or wondering if we're there during my two week wait, should I have a beer (or two....) or not, in case we had conceived?! .... or wishing that we'd be pregnant by then so I could make cute plans on how to announce that we're expecting... or declaring the battle over before it's begun and wallowing in self-pity that conception is never going to happen for us.
See why I'm milking today for all it's worth!?
I will take this day as a gift from God, a little shower of mercy, amidst the torrential downpour of doubt and worry that often beats me up. Of course, deep down, I'm still longing for our first little one, but I think God gives me days like this to show me He hasn't forgotten about me. Not simply the weather (because He knows I am a sucker for rainbows and beautiful sunrises!). He hasn't forgotten that we're aching, He wants me to remember my bad day(s) earlier this week and SEE what a beautiful blessing today is AFTER that bad time, and He wants me to remember this lesson on my next bad day! (Let's see if I pass that test!)
3 comments:
You know, it had simply never occurred to me to consider NOT being miserable over the babylessness to be a blessing. In that case, as often as I am able to put it out of my mind, I should be very grateful indeed...of course, we're not timing cycles right now, so it's certainly easier to be blase about it when you're not expecting anything.
Also, I looked at your archive, and you're a new blogger! Welcome, welcome! It's odd not to be the newbie...I started in January. I've already found the IF online community to be a source of grace. You'll find lots of wonderful people whose stories you'll enjoy following, and wonderful new friends.
And I love the blog design!
We also had a beautiful day here! Looking at the blessings and the gifts around me almost always makes the waiting seem bearable. Have a wonderful weekend!
I really liked your post. So often I feel guilty because I don't seem to be suffering emotionally as much as others, but I can see how it could be a grace from God. Somedays it hits me hard, but the fact that I've got such good support (IRL and in the blogging world) makes so much difference. I hope your trip is lots of fun!
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