How will I be?

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Sometimes I get caught up in the daydream of how I'll be when I find out I'm pregnant and during the 9 months that follow that day. I like to think that I will not forget the path that brought me to the glorious BFP day. At this point, I think there will be a small piece of me that will actually feel sorry that I'm pregnant because I know so many who are struggling to get there, too. I mean, I will probably be speechless with joy and awe, but I cringe to think how I will tell my close friends who also are praying for a little one.

Before I go on, this post is based on an interaction with a friend (ex-friend?), who I will call 'N'. I volleyed with myself back and forth before writing about this, but it really weighs heavy on my heart, and maybe someone else has a similar situation. I don't want it to come off as gossipy, though, so I will do my best to focus mostly on how it's affected me.

N became pregnant last year. Up until that point, her and I were right there together, bolstering each other on Mother's Day, and gasping at how insensitive moms can be to those who haven't been blessed with that title yet. All that changed when she got her positive test. I of course offered my congratulations, but that was all I could muster at that point. I still felt left out and left behind, and it was all I could do to say congratulations!! She was very dissatisfied with my lack of enthusiasm and sent me multiple emails to let me know how hurt she was. I apologized many times, but it has never been the same.

Of course my heart is heavy about this. I know maybe I wasn't as enthusiastic, bouncing-off-the-walls-happy as I should have been, but didn't she remember what it feels like to field pregnancy anno.uncements? I have contacted N a few times during her pregnancy to suggest getting together again and rekindling our friendship, but these offers have been met with vague refusals and responses.

From this experience, I have already flat-out told one of my other close friends walking this road with me that we have to promise to not let this happen with one or the other of us gets pregnant. We cannot let this happen! She wholeheartedly agrees. We have to remember that it's not a race, and whoever gets pregnant first will have to anticipate that the other of us will still feel left out and left behind, but that the obligatory congratulations will be just that....and if they end up being more than just obligatory, great, but nothing more will be expected. It is in this respect that I really almost dread telling her, or receiving her call.

True to the title of my blog, when I become pregnant (or adopt a baby, if God leads us that way), I truly hope I will "remember all the way" that God led me. I don't want to ever hurt anyone who is struggling with infertility, but I think that's a foregone conclusion when I am walking around in the Ta.rget maternity section and I see a young woman scurry by with her head down. I already told Mr. A that I am officially swearing off photo Christmas cards because last Christmas they were definitely a source of sadness for me. I feel like when I'm pregnant, I will want to walk around with a disclaimer poster board that says "even though I'm pregnant, I know how you're hurting" or something!! If we adopt, I feel like I will want to wear a shirt that says "we struggled for so long and then we were blessed by adoption! I know how you feel!". I don't want to just immediately throw off the burden of infertility and forget how much I've struggled with. I don't want to get all fussy if my family first says they want to buy baby something nice and big, and then they renig on the offer because of the economy (yes, that is based on reality of an acquaintance), because, HELLO, I have life within me after so long! Who cares if the baby doesn't have a fancy new whatever, we have been given the gift of new life!!!

I think it will be easy to get caught up in all-things baby and forget how it feels to have everyone moving on ahead of you in the proverbial life stages once I, myself, am moving ahead. I hope I will be gracious and thankful and humble. I hope I will never take our child(ren) for granted or think that they are here because of anything I did. They will be here because of GOD, and He will be praised for the awesome creator He is!!


the misfit said...

I feel the same way. After all I've been blessed with as the friend (or at least bloggy friend) of other infertiles, how could I not feel a terrible sadness at a pregnancy I knew put a division between me and those with whom I suffered? I have definitely been blessed with open eyes through this journey - I can see the tacky photo Christmas cards for the my-baby-is-more-important-than-Jesus tripe they are (I'd like to think I might have seen that ome anyway) and I know what it sounds like to prattle on brainlessly to people who manifestly are not interested. And yeah, I'd like to find some outward sign of solidarity too - that any pregnancy I bear will not be an accident or a sign of my favor from God, but the fruit of YEARS of doubt and suffering, and unfortunately likely to be followed by the same again.

Praying for Hope said...

Some women forget what the pain was like the moment they get their BFP. I have a coworker who fits that description. She sits 5 feet from me and is due in three weeks. She suffered through years of infertility. This is her first child.

She hasn't stopped talking about the pregnancy or her baby in eight months. I live in my headphones when she's in the office because I can't listen any more. The kicker is, she knows my DH and I are dealing with IF, and still the talk continues.

Because of this, I've made several vows, too. I will do everything in my power not to rub my pregnancy - if we ever manage to get to that point - in anyone's face. I don't want to put anyone through what my coworker has put me through.

And I agree on the picture cards. I see no problem with including a picture of the family in the card, but I don't like when the picture is the card itself.

Grace in my Heart said...

I'm so sorry about your friend. It is sad she won't forget about it and rekindle the friendship. I wish she would just think about if things were the other way around...she'll be in my prayers.
I hadn't thought about the Christmas cards. I have sworn off baby showers though- I don't want one! I just want the baby! :)

Stacey said...

Wow, I am so glad you wrote about this. It is something I think about often. I've had the misfortune of knowing several friends (even those who have struggled with IF, which is mind-boggling to me) who seem to immediately forget everything that came before that BFP.

I truly hope that I will be sensitive to others who are waiting. After as much time as I've spent waiting, I certainly think it has changed me, and it has definitely left its mark on my life. I already know that I will NEVER post a picture of a positive pee stick or a pregnant belly on my blog. I think we all have those things that were just so painful to us, and those are things that we don't want to see hurt anyone else.

Great post!

The Wife said...

I struggle with this all the time. With my bff being pregnant, it made me think about it and being happy for her doesn't take away from my own hurt. I will still love that child no matter what I'm going through. I hope that when(if) I become pregnant or adopt that I will be gracious to those that are struggling to have kids but at the same time remain gracious to those who are pregnant/have kids while I'm dealing with infertility.