What am I doing here?!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Never thought I'd start a blog, but I am going to see how I like it and go from there! I had a quasi-online journal in another location, but I am looking forward to the anonymity here instead. There is alot that goes through my mind on a day-to-day basis about my walk towards motherhood (parenthood, with Mr. A), and hopefully this will be a good place to come and let it all out.

I really do try my best to be thankful for the many blessings that we've been given in life, notwithstanding our hearts' longing for the biggest blessing of all that is still off in the distance somewhere. I think the perspective that comes from being a Christian AND going through infertility definitely has its benefits, and honestly I'm not sure how I'd do walking this road if I didn't think someone "up there" was watching out for me and scooping me up if I am in a crumpled mess on the floor. That being said, it's been a huge test of faith the last year or so, praying with all our hearts to be blessed with our first child and not so much as a whisper has come our way. At least not that I can recognize anyway. I really struggle with "hearing" God (I have so much to say on that that it could probably be several posts' worth!), and I pray daily that I will get better at that activity.

As for where we stand right now, we are saving for adoption (domestic infant) and hoping to have that account stocked and ready to bleed by December. We are still praying, though, that God might turn His face towards us and allow us to conceive our first child this year instead. After three quarters of a year getting tested by my obgyn, I have a followup appointment with him this Thursday, and I think we'll be getting referred to an RE. To put it bluntly, I am devastated, but I hesitate to say that in too many circles for fear of offending anyone who has conceived using artificial means. I think it is just emotional devastation from the realization that something is simply not working right and if we were Mr. & Mrs. Ca.veman, it would just be the two of us and no little ca.vemen's running around chasing wolly mammoths. I guess I am thankful that there is medicine/tests available these days to try to figure out what the problem is...

I used to think we wouldn't be open to even starting down what could be a slippery "specialist" path, but after a tough Easter (try starting your period when you wake up on Easter morning!), I think we would at least like to see what they have to say. So here goes...


Stacey said...

Thanks so much for following my blog and for leaving a comment today. I've added you to my reader, so I'll be keeping up with you as well!

I'm glad you started a blog, and I hope it will help you to share all of the feelings that go along with infertility.

Your sister in Christ,

Becky said...

Welcome to blogging! I found an amazing online support community through blogging and I hope you do as well. I am not offended at all by you saying you are devastated over being referred to an RE. I was devastated as well when we were referred to an RE and then later when we were told we could only conceive by IVF/ICSI.

I found your blog through Stacey's. I love the Scripture you used for your blog name.

Sew said...

Thanks for commenting! And thanks for your prayers! I could use them, as I am not in a place to pray, just talk, vent, protest, and cry like a toddler! ha!

I almost hate saying welcome to this online community that is so supportive! But welcome, because it is some of the most riveting support and faith that you will come across! ;)

Let's talk about the RE. Let's talk about how long you have been trying, what you think is possibly wrong, etc? Endometriosis is highly suspectible in most cases of fertility. That is Dr. Sew. :) I charge by the hour! ;) Anyway, there is a good network of doctors out there that care for your fertility care and for you to become the healthiest woman to conceive. :)

Sorry we are on the same path, but glad you started a blog!

The Wife said...

Hello! Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog. Glad you've joined the blogging land. I got referred to an RE after my second failed cycle. I was really upset because I felt that the OB/GYN had just given up on me. But a friend on a message board pointed a few things out to me: At least now you're with an RE. You're with someone who specializes in treating IF. You are now moving forward instead of remaining stagnant, you're going to be in the best possible hands you could be in. Considering all that made me see being referred in a different light.

the misfit said...

I think I know what you mean...I actually rebelled totally at being referred to the RE (but that was because of which RE it was). Now, the RE is just another doctor in my OB/GYN practice, which would have been really nice to have the first time around. But hindsight, as you observe, is 20/20!

Here's the thing about treatment, IMO. It doesn't have to be all donor eggs and surrogacy. It could just be that you're progesterone deficient and you have to take some pills. You would be OK taking, say, iron if you were deficient, right? Or maybe your DH just needs some vitamins for optimal sperm quality. It COULD also be something more serious (Sew is right as usual - endo accounts for 30% of the infertile female population), but in that case, you want to get it treated, ttc or no ttc.

I'll pray for you that your diagnosis is minimal and the treatment uninvasive. What do your current test results show, BTW?

Also, you can, like me, refuse to deal with the specialist for 2+ years. In some ways, I wrested control of my life back. But it didn't help my IF, and my endo is worse now; so there you are.

Lisa said...

Hey! I am new to the blogging world and found your blog on Becky's page. I can really relate to the title of your first post "What am I doing here?"...my first blog was titled "I wish I didn't have to be writing this". Even though I am excited to be receiving support from this community...you still wish you didnt have to be part of it! I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for you!