Hindsight

Don't you wish plain ol' sight was 20/20, and not just hindsight?

I had another post in the making, but this one came to me instead, begging to be let out of my brain. It will be the first of many on my apparent inability to hear what God is trying to tell me. I don't know what my deal is- I think I am being objective and faithful and contemplative and all that, but I have never interpreted correctly, that I can remember. At least not at the time when I'm trying to interpret! Maybe a week later I can see more clearly, which is exactly what happened this time, too.

Don't you wish that God still spoke using burning bushes or giant smoke screens and pillars of fire to show His people something? "Hello there little daughter of mine, follow me, I'm over here behind the huge burning object!!" I would like to hope I could pick out the burning object from the normal objects and know exactly where to go to follow God and His path for me. Alas, since He has stopped using these tangible signs for a while now (other than, of course, sending His Son to earth), we seek Him in the Bible and in encounters with everything that surrounds us. Or at least I do. Or at least I try to.

Getting to the point, the week leading up to Easter was brutal on my God-seeking. There I found myself, eagerly wanting to walk through Holy Week with Jesus, culminating with His ultimate sacrifice on Good Friday and celebrating the pinnacle of Christianity on Easter Sunday. There I found myself, in the last half of the two week wait, knowing in only a few more days, I'd know without a doubt if God had allowed life to be created within me. I wanted so badly to feel a closeness with God, for Him to let me in on a secret that was within me, that I couldn't see yet. I read Scripture every day; led to Scripture that was all about new life and new hope and new joy. Could it be? Was God trying to speak to me?! I prayed that God would not keep leading me to these life and hope and joy Scriptures if He hadn't created new life within me. Yet the very next day it was more of the same. I was so wary of this...

I would pray on my walks with Banana, and on Holy Saturday in particular the sunrise was breathtaking. I'm talking about a sunrise where the sun is so beautiful and radiant that you feel like you're the only one watching. I think I want so much to hear God that sometimes I read a little too much into the beauty of His creation. And since I'm human and weak, that's exactly what (I think) pushed me over the edge into thinking that maybe, just maybe, we would be expecting a little Christmas bundle of joy.

And now (in hindsight) all of this seems so silly. But does it? Isn't God's Word meant to show us the way? Don't we hear stories of how God acts in our world today? Doesn't God touch our lives through others? Don't some people see everything fall into place and know that God is working? Couldn't that have happened for me, too? Couldn't it?!

Not this time, says God.

Here's what I see in hindsight, which I hope is a more "big picture" view of it all and hopefully closer to 20/20. First, of course God promises new life and new hope and new joy in Scripture because that is what Jesus offers us if we believe in Him. DUH! And, to be fair to myself, I knew that last week, too, I just wanted to think that the readings ALSO had a more physical tangent at the time. Second, in a very real way, Easter Sunday did bring new hope because what more is the beginning of a new cycle?! A new cycle and a new chance to conceive! A getting rid of the old and worn out, and a replacing with new and vibrant! It is something I've really felt called to think about during these first days of this new cycle. It is a real shame my interpretation of this kind of stuff is always 3 days behind, haha.

A very good Christian friend of mine seems to have a spot-on connection with God. She somehow has the incredible fortune of reading particular Scripture or being in particular situations, and knowing what God is trying to tell her, and (here's the thing that makes my jaw drop) she is always right about the message! I know! I told her once that I was envious of that capability of hers and she told me that she asked God to "slam her into a brick wall" about xyz situation we were discussing. Ha! I have since asked God to do the same for me, but He seems a little more hesitant to play with my personal safety, I guess!

I feel very fortunate for this time of infertility because it has been an opportunity to accept the faith that God has given me and allowed to grow during the last couple of years. I hope that He'll continue to mold and form me and maybe give me some pointers on how to hear Him better, so that I don't always miss the message at the particular time and not "get it" until 3 days later. You know, God, you can shoot me an email anytime...