Fast Forward

Friday, June 03, 2011

I want to know who hit the warp speed button. Because although it is exciting and thrilling, I am not exactly used to all of this yet.

In the last week, we ordered the nursery furniture, set up our registries, received our baby's first diapers, ordered the crib mattress, talked to my sister about mural ideas (we are doing E.ric Car.le animals!), took a new belly picture, and received word that the nursery furniture is ready for pickup.


For as long as we waited and dreamed of being pregnant, this part of our journey is going really fast. I never thought it would go by so quickly, but as I treasure each day, I still can't believe we are already more than halfway to meeting our baby. And not that I take meeting her for granted- my hope and prayer is that God allows her a long and happy and healthy life with our family- and we are preparing for her with great joy, but we are far from taking each day of her life as a given. We feel like we can't say enough thank you's for her life- every time I feel her kick and squirm, I am reminded of what a gift she is to us.

I have been having some survivor's guilt the last couple of days- especially since our diapers arrived yesterday and the covers and all-in-one's are honestly some of the cutest things I have ever seen in my life. I don't care if it takes me 25 loads of washing the prefolds to get them prepped, I am so excited about it! I received a "how-to" booklet with our order, and I've already read it twice. There is so much to learn and consider, but I can't wait to try my hand at it.

But every time I glance in the baby's room and see things in there that are baby-related, I "remember all {our infertile} way". I think of YOU who are still waiting, YOU who have suffered losses, YOU whose hearts are frustrated, and YOU whose baby's room looks like ours did 5 months ago. I worry that what I think are words of comfort or encouragement to you may come across as hollow or ungenuine (is that a word?) given where I find myself today. I think of the times when I tried to read PAIF blogs and the writers seemed to have lost all recollection of their struggle with infertility, and I cringe at the possibility that some of my readers think I have.

But I haven't; I will never forget. Every minute of this pregnancy has been so treasured in light of our journey to get here. There is not one second when I have "missed" something from before I was pregnant.

I always wanted to fast forward through infertility, and now part of me wants time to slow down so I can drink in this pregnancy as much as I can.

But the other part of me is so amazingly raring to go and can't order baby stuff fast enough. The other part of me looks at the daily z.ulily sales and puts 4 dresses in the shopping cart before my brain takes over and determines that even though the dresses are on sale, do you really need to buy that now?? (The answer so far has been "welllllll, no......"...)

Praying our baby girl already knows how much she is loved and wanted. I am sure the next 18 weeks are going to fly by, just like the last 18 (or 22 "total") have!!!


Sky said...

It's good to rejoice in your miracle! Thanks for caring for those of us who are still on our way to ours :-)

Katie said...

18 weeks already? Wow. It feels like time really is flying (and I can definitely see why you'd want it to slow down sometimes). I'm so excited that the nursery is starting to come together. You have to post pictures when it's complete. I can't wait to see!

the misfit said...

As someone who has had a LOT of opinions about other IFers' instant infertility amnesia (most of which I kept to myself, believe it or not), I can say that, as far as I am concerned, you are entirely innocent of this vice. Assuredly you have a more upbeat attitude toward life in general than I have, but I'd like to think that, if I were in your shoes, I would be half so mindful and grounded and grateful as you have been.

One Who Understands said...

Your story give me hope! I love reading about this miracle God has given you. I think IF is never far from your mind and I can feel your love for us still waiting in your posts. Can't believe you only have 18 weeks left until she's here!! HUGS!

Lady Grey said...

Wow, only 18 weeks to go. That is so exciting. Thanks for continuing to pray for us all :)

myjourneythruinfertility said...

here's to taking in all of the wonderful excitement that comes with the next 18 weeks!

I would love to put the fast forward on this pain, but I know that I will treasure being pregnant so much more after all that I have been through.

Praying for Hope said...

For some people, the IF disappears the instant the double line appears. For others, it's always a part of you. It makes you appreciate what you have even more, because you never stop being amazed that you could ever be that fortunate. Mixed blessing, but I think it's a positive one.

Melissa said...

I have a daughter via IVF and I never will forget how it felt trying to have a child. I think I actually have a blog post titled "I will never forget". I never want to forget how it feels either because it reminds me on a daily basis how blessed and lucky I am to have this little girl.