New territory

Friday, September 18, 2009

I have discovered I very rarely title my post before I write it. Or at least lately that is how it is.

I got my follistim and novarel (hcg) on Wednesday... Delivered during a teleconference, which I had to interrupt and put everyone on hold since Banana was barking so passionately, because clearly her life depended on it, at the unsuspecting UPS man. Two big boxes with "PERISHABLE: OPEN IMMEDIATELY" on the side!!!

I waited till after the teleconference was over, of course.

Inside them, I found the follistim pen, two boxes of 900iu of follistim each, alcohol pads, two needles, two other needles, and the novarel (unmixed). Whoa. I sure hope my RE tells me how to mix the novarel, because the powder looks compacted already or something! I guess it is probably vacuum sealed/packed... I have tried to be only mildly concerned that I only got 2 boxes of 900iu, because it was my understanding that to get the copay that I got, the prescription had to be for a 3-month supply, and from what I can tell, if I take 125iu (adjustable per response of course) each day 3-12, 1800iu is only a one month supply!! I am trying not to be worried about how refills will be ordered, or if they will be allowed... I am trying to remind myself that the RE's office has dealt with this pharmacy before and should know how they do things... I am trying not to spend too much time wondering if the monitoring ultrasounds ($500ish) next cycle will be covered, since we're not doing an IUI just yet...I am trying to remind myself that nothing during this whole journey will not be changed by the amount of my worrying...

This is entirely new territory for me, a territory I never thought of visiting or even looking up on the map. I thought for sure that clomid would do the trick for us, since we're only dealing with low progesterone (e.g., no pcos, mfi, etc.). But it hasn't. I think this acceptance/realization somewhat tempers any elation that I experience when reviewing the follistim success rates. I thought the success rates for clomid were pretty good, and look where that got us! It is true that, objectively, we will have a much better chance of conceiving on follistim. That, combined with endless prayers for God's mercy in this regard and faith in His promise of joy to all who believe in Him, has allowed my heart some solace lately.

I think anyone who tries to conceive is in territory they never thought they'd be in. Even if you are trying for your fifth month, it still feels like something is wrong (I remember that), because we all are consistently bombarded with situations where conception/healthy babies happen with no effort at all, and in some circumstances, it seems as if there would be no possible way for conception/healthy babies to happen in the first place (hello, crack addict mom)! Of course people who've been trying a year sometimes grow an infertility ego- "How can she possibly complain about being infertile, they were only trying 4 months!" (I am guilty on a few occasions, the most memorable with An.na Dug.gar...) Maybe they were not actually infertile, but from the time we first learn about how babies are made, we are taught that it only takes one time and that seeps into our subconscious!! Therefore, when it takes more than one time, we're on a street we don't recognize...

Along the way, it has seemed to me sometimes that some of the things we try to do/take/pray are just stabs (get it? injections? stabs? haha...) in the dark. Some are more directed stabs (clomid to help with low progesterone), but others are more random (robituss.in or mu.cinex). What occurs to me is that God already knows what circumstances, medicine, or events that He will use to bless our marriage with children. None of the things we do, after seeking His will, are just stabs in the dark to Him. He is using all of these things along this journey for something good. Maybe the something good is related to reproduction or maybe it is related to spreading Christianity or maybe it is related to having an experience with this myself so I can be a "been there, done that" support to someone else who is facing this cross.

We continue to pray that we'll be bringing home a clomid baby, or two, haha, next June. But more than that, we continue to seek what God would have us do to bring children into our home. And if that involves a sharps box, I say bring it on.

11 comments:

Baby Hungry said...

Wow...a package like that would be overwhelming. I hope everything goes smoothly!

keep calm and carry on... said...

good luck with it all! it's not too hard to mix, etc... it's just a whole new game.

i hear you on not thinking i'd ever get here with injections, etc... i remember getting my first prescription for femara and it had 11 refills - i thought there was now way i would ever need that many. i got my 2nd round of injections delivered today...

it's all in His time...

Praying for Hope said...

Oh, good luck with it. You're overwhelmed with the follistim items now, but I don't think it will take you long to figure it out. I have a feeling . . .

Lisa said...

I agree with you about the "anyone who TRIES to conceive is in territory they never thought they would be in". I was thinking about that yesterday as I was talking to a friend who has been off BC for one month and felt a litte discouraged. My first thought was "are you kidding me?? I have been doing this for over a year and a half...you can't be feeling down yet!" But then I remembered back to how I felt in the very beginning. It was still scary! Every month that passes by (even months 1, 2, 3, etc.) makes you feel like you are a little closer to that 12 month diagnosis of infertility. It is difficult at ANY stage of this process. I know there are others who have been doing this a lot longer than a year and a half. But that doesn't mean that the pain I feel is any less.

Anyway, that was long...but had been on my mind since yesterday and you echoed my thoughts. :)

Erica said...

Wow, what a mix of emotions that delivery must have brought. You know I'm praying, right? I'm so glad you're keeping this blog. Even in the midst of such difficulty, you are a great encouragement to me and (I'm sure) many others. Hugs!

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I remember those days of thinking it wouldn't take this long. I used to buy OV predictors and PG tests in a single box like normal people instead of in bulk like I do now!

On the follistem . . .My only pointer is to grabe the pen with your hand and push the clicker down with your thumb when you are inserting it. The first time I did it, I thought I would push the clicker down with my pointer finger, but couldn't make it work; so I had to twist the pen around (while the needle was inside me) to get it so I could use my thumb to push the injection clicker down. It didn't hurt, but still left a nasty bruise from twisting.

Hillary said...

Great post, I could relate so much. I'll be getting injectibles in a couple weeks too...!!

If you don't conceive this cycle (which I'm still hoping you do!), when do you expect AF? Just curious how closely our cycles will align (I'm expecting AF around the 28th).

Ann - Building a Nest said...

I meant grab. Also, don't forget to take it out of the fridge for about 30 minutes before you shoot up!

the misfit said...

Isn't it extraordinary how much medical experience you're having to build up just to be a patient? Good luck with all the meds. I'm sure you'll be a total pro in no time.

lowfatlady said...

I hope that the injections are easy to figure out and that they help you to become pregnant. Best of luck. I'm definitely in uncharted territory at the moment.

Becky said...

If you get in a jam and need more Follistim, don't hesitate to send me an email and I will overnight what I have left to you (1800 IUs). Continuing to pray for you.