New territory

I have discovered I very rarely title my post before I write it. Or at least lately that is how it is.

I got my follistim and novarel (hcg) on Wednesday... Delivered during a teleconference, which I had to interrupt and put everyone on hold since Banana was barking so passionately, because clearly her life depended on it, at the unsuspecting UPS man. Two big boxes with "PERISHABLE: OPEN IMMEDIATELY" on the side!!!

I waited till after the teleconference was over, of course.

Inside them, I found the follistim pen, two boxes of 900iu of follistim each, alcohol pads, two needles, two other needles, and the novarel (unmixed). Whoa. I sure hope my RE tells me how to mix the novarel, because the powder looks compacted already or something! I guess it is probably vacuum sealed/packed... I have tried to be only mildly concerned that I only got 2 boxes of 900iu, because it was my understanding that to get the copay that I got, the prescription had to be for a 3-month supply, and from what I can tell, if I take 125iu (adjustable per response of course) each day 3-12, 1800iu is only a one month supply!! I am trying not to be worried about how refills will be ordered, or if they will be allowed... I am trying to remind myself that the RE's office has dealt with this pharmacy before and should know how they do things... I am trying not to spend too much time wondering if the monitoring ultrasounds ($500ish) next cycle will be covered, since we're not doing an IUI just yet...I am trying to remind myself that nothing during this whole journey will not be changed by the amount of my worrying...

This is entirely new territory for me, a territory I never thought of visiting or even looking up on the map. I thought for sure that clomid would do the trick for us, since we're only dealing with low progesterone (e.g., no pcos, mfi, etc.). But it hasn't. I think this acceptance/realization somewhat tempers any elation that I experience when reviewing the follistim success rates. I thought the success rates for clomid were pretty good, and look where that got us! It is true that, objectively, we will have a much better chance of conceiving on follistim. That, combined with endless prayers for God's mercy in this regard and faith in His promise of joy to all who believe in Him, has allowed my heart some solace lately.

I think anyone who tries to conceive is in territory they never thought they'd be in. Even if you are trying for your fifth month, it still feels like something is wrong (I remember that), because we all are consistently bombarded with situations where conception/healthy babies happen with no effort at all, and in some circumstances, it seems as if there would be no possible way for conception/healthy babies to happen in the first place (hello, crack addict mom)! Of course people who've been trying a year sometimes grow an infertility ego- "How can she possibly complain about being infertile, they were only trying 4 months!" (I am guilty on a few occasions, the most memorable with An.na Dug.gar...) Maybe they were not actually infertile, but from the time we first learn about how babies are made, we are taught that it only takes one time and that seeps into our subconscious!! Therefore, when it takes more than one time, we're on a street we don't recognize...

Along the way, it has seemed to me sometimes that some of the things we try to do/take/pray are just stabs (get it? injections? stabs? haha...) in the dark. Some are more directed stabs (clomid to help with low progesterone), but others are more random (robituss.in or mu.cinex). What occurs to me is that God already knows what circumstances, medicine, or events that He will use to bless our marriage with children. None of the things we do, after seeking His will, are just stabs in the dark to Him. He is using all of these things along this journey for something good. Maybe the something good is related to reproduction or maybe it is related to spreading Christianity or maybe it is related to having an experience with this myself so I can be a "been there, done that" support to someone else who is facing this cross.

We continue to pray that we'll be bringing home a clomid baby, or two, haha, next June. But more than that, we continue to seek what God would have us do to bring children into our home. And if that involves a sharps box, I say bring it on.