Recap- clomid 1-3

Aaaaaaaaaand it's CD1 for me. And the Duggar's are pregnant with #19, and let's not forget their grandchild due next month. REALLY???

Some reflections...

My RE gave me another prescription for clomid this cycle, since I won't be available for monitoring with follistim. Keep in mind I also need more monitor sticks. Also keep in mind that if this cycle doesn't work, we'll try follistim in October. Do I really have to pay $50 for 30 monitor sticks when I'm only going to use 10 (u/s monitoring with follistim)? They should really have some lower-quantity packages. On the other hand, I'm half considering not even taking the clomid. The RE said that 80-something% of people who are going to get pregnant on clomid do so in the first 3 months. That bumps up to 90-something% after 4 clomid cycles. I guess a 10% increase is nothing to squawk at, but clearly the statistics are not in my favor. Maybe I'll take clomid and not use my monitor. Or maybe I'll be a real rebel and not do either! *Gasp!!* But then I think I would be worried that my progesterone would return to the dungeon. What would you do?

Not that I had any glaring pregnancy symptoms last cycle, but I am just frankly surprised that clomid didn't work in the first three tries. Of course their published success rate is 45%, which is obviously not 100%, so this is what I get for being in denial about the 55% chance of failure. It's crazy though- I am obviously textbook regular (e.g., last cycle: ovulated cd15, 14-day LP with no spotting, normal flow first thing this morning) with no other complications (low progesterone notwithstanding)- my sister's friend has wild PCOS, and it worked for her on month #3!!! Guess who will be spending some googling time this morning looking for clomid #4 successes? Hmm....

This development easily reminds me that I'm not in control, and neither is anyone who takes any medicine for any condition. We pray and pray that xzy medicine will work, but there are no guarantees, except that God is the Ultimate Healer and one day we will be healed for all eternity. Perhaps clomid isn't what God will use to heal me- maybe it will be follistim or maybe it will be grace to follow another path. It sure seems like all of the things we've done during ttc haven't worked, but I pray I have responded in a way that God would have me respond- God is using each thing, each day, and each struggle for something. Maybe it seems to me like we've failed on clomid (and maybe ttc-wise, we have), but I must not forget about what other blessings have come from clomid. God knows exactly what He's going to use to bring children into our life, and it is up to me to trust Him until He brings those tools into our life. Not that He's holding out on me or anything (I really don't believe that), but He has other things for me to accomplish in the meantime. Who knows what those are, but it is up to me to seek His face through all of this. And that is what I prayed for this morning: Lord, show me Your face!!!!

During our pre-shift prayer on Monday, another volunteer prayed something I thought was very powerful. It wasn't about anything related to me, but I thought it was very applicable to almost any situation we find ourselves in. She said something like,

"God, You can't make (name) seek You and actively participate in Your plan, but come into her heart and allow her to know that the things that are happening to her are part of Your will for her life. Bless her with the grace to see the troubles in her life as an opportunity to seek You and how You would have her react to her circumstances."

Isn't that a great thought? I know it seems a little off-putting to say that infertility is what God wills for my life (that's not very nice, Mr. Lord), but at this point, let's get real, I think it's the truth. (Please Lord, not forever!) God can't make us turn to Him. He can't make us want to live out His will for us at this point with as much gusto as if we were 35 weeks pregnant. But what we are going through is part of His will for us- not because we are a flimsy sticky note buried under 5 notebooks of more urgent prayer requests on His desk. I pray He will bless us with the grace to use these troubles to really seek His face and to turn the focus of what we are lacking to how we can use our struggles to glorify God!