We got more snow yesterday! I think probably 7" or so. I just love our neighborhood under a blanket of snow- it is such a beautiful and peaceful place to take Banana for our walks. The roads are still pretty dicey though- church was cancelled this morning.
250iu of follistim is going well- it is surprising to me how the cartridges don't last as long with the higher dosage (thank you, captain obvious)- my dosage now is twice what I started at in October!! So far, no bruises from the injections this time- not sure how I've managed that!! I think my estrogen level is definitely rising- saw some almost ewcm this morning!! I am just praying that some great follies are growing well and that at least one of those follies will become our little one this time!!!
Here is a question about the trigger- we have always done the trigger shot IM, because that is what it says on the box ("IM only"), even though my nurse said we could do it sub-q anyway. Well when I ordered my meds, they asked which needles I needed, and because my brain temporarily malfunctioned, I told them sub-q. SO, they sent me sub-q needles this time, but since they send 3 sets of needles with each order, I still have some IM needles from days past, so we can still do it IM. But, has anyone heard that one or the other is "better" (sub-q or IM)??
I am hopeful for another great u/s tomorrow. If it's anything like past cycles, I will go back in maybe Wed for a final u/s, with the trigger either Thursday or Friday night. (IUI next Saturday or Sunday morning?) We are praying that God might bless this IUI with success and a happy healthy little one in October...
I have been thinking alot lately about how God uses our circumstances to convey to us which path we are supposed to take. In the paper a few weeks back, there was a Q/A with Billy Gra.ham where he wrote that God uses our circumstances to help us know what to do- when He opens doors to specific choices, we can take that as nudge in that direction. But what I struggle with is that God never said that following His will is going to be easy- leading me to ponder the concept that sometimes following His will might entail lots of closed doors and difficult situations.
This is even more difficult when I think about it relative to infertility. What is the balance between being persistent in the face of failure or doubt, and accepting a negative outcome as an encouragement to move on to something else?
It also brings my mind that when my friend T went through IVF 2 years ago, every single door possible just fell open before them. She was surprisingly accepted into a study which reduced expenses, she responded great to the meds, her husband ended up with relatively good numbers (he had severe MFI), and they got their BFP.... only to miscarry at almost 6w. Prior to getting her beta, she felt so encouraged about how she felt God's hand at every turn during their cycle. How could anyone not agree that with all those opened doors, God was blessing their cycle? And yet, their example shows us that even when God opens doors, it doesn't mean that there won't be hardship. (They still consider going through IVF as part of God's plan for building their family- they feel even the heartache of losing their baby to have been used for some good.)
It's my prayer that God has a "yes" in store for us this cycle or next. But I also pray that we'll have the courage and discernment to know what to do with a "no"- whether to remain persistent on our current path or choose a new one. None of this infertility journey is easy, but nothing about "Take up your cross and follow Me" sound easy either!!
Songs for my Soul
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Yesterday when I was driving to my office, I did alot of praying (and "listening", i.e. trying to listen) about this upcoming cycle, and mostly about what God has in store for expanding our family. Mr. A and I are both feeling very encouraged about the upcoming cycle, and of course we are praying that God will bless us with conception and implantation and growth and birth of our first happy healthy little one in the fall. I prayed boldly, knowing that God knows what the desire is in my heart and that He has promised to be faithful. I prayed humbly, knowing that He is the ultimate creator and sustainer of life and knowing that whatever He has in store for our family is better than I can ever ask for. I prayed persistently, knowing that spending time in conversation with God really makes the time pass quickly.
After I felt I had prayed for a while, I turned up the radio again. This is the song that came on next- click play and wait for your heart to melt....
The lyrics are really powerful:
After I felt I had prayed for a while, I turned up the radio again. This is the song that came on next- click play and wait for your heart to melt....
The lyrics are really powerful:
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
After that they went to a commercial. I just sat there, staring off into space at the road, wondering how I was supposed to take that song, following so closely after my prayer for a successful cycle, in any objective manner. God knows me, and He knows that I'm already thinking a miracle is going to happen this cycle, that my (not exactly) silent prayers will get answered, and that my broken heart will become brand new.
Imagine God's sense of humor that I experienced, when the next song was "The One Thing" (Paul Colman), a song that is so different from "What Faith Can Do" (Kutless), a song that I cannot resist belting out at the top of my lungs, bee boppin' down the road (including some head and shoulder action!). Ready to rock out? Click play below and sing along!!
(Lyrics below)
Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valleys and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
I’ve questioned my reasons
The life I’m living
I’ve questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I’ve questioned all the things that I’ve ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind
But the one thing I don’t question is you
You really love me like you say you do
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
Hold me
I’ve questioned significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?
Well I’ve questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?
Only one thing doesn’t change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains
***
I hope today these songs will be calming and encouraging and healing to your soul. They were exactly what I needed to hear yesterday. Maybe it's what you need to hear today!
u/s and etc.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Had my CD2 u/s today. Everything looks great! (Is it just me or did my lining stripe look thinner? Damn clomid. (As if I know what I'm talking about.)) AND my RE is upping my follistim to 250 units per night!! (Pick up jaw off the floor.) He said, "You were on 200 last time and got 2 great follicles and 1 pretty good one, but I'd like to see 3 or 4 great ones!" Well, alrighty, then! I'm game for increasing the targets!! C'mon TWINS.
(Kudos also to the resident (who I'm sure isn't reading) who actually manipulated the wand during the u/s... she was MUCH better than the last (male) resident!! No need to try to harpoon the infertile gal on CD2 when she is already dealing with period cramps. Really.)
If you could pray that I get the new meds soon- I just have 1 900iu cartridge, and that is not going to last me long doing 250iu per night!!
I am definitely going to pray about volunteering to start a RESOLVE group in my area, as I don't think there is one. My biggest hesitation is that I think we are just about at the end of the RE road, meaning, we are going to do this IUI, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure we'll move to IVF. (I say "pretty sure" because we are really trying to take this day-by-day, praying for guidance.) And if God doesn't bless us after both of those, I think we will likely start saving for adoption. (We do have a savings account just for babymaking stuff, and it does have enough in there for one IVF cycle, but at this point, we do not see it as a judicious way to spend our money to keep doing IVF cycle after IVF cycle after IVF cycle. Not that it isn't what others might feel is appropriate for them- everyone is different, and this is just what Mr. A feels is best for us. But it will be emptied after an IVF cycle, and saving $30k for adoption is not exactly an overnight process....)
It is hard for me to talk about "what if this doesn't work" kind of scenarios, because in my heart Iwant to believe that this IUI will work and we will welcome our first little one(s) in October. But I guess infertility brings out the doubt in all of us. Wish it wasn't that way.
But Mr. A and I are both planning-kind-of-people. So that is what we do. Regardless of the fact that God's baby plans have yet to line up with ours....probably because His are so awesome that they take alot of time to get organized...
(Kudos also to the resident (who I'm sure isn't reading) who actually manipulated the wand during the u/s... she was MUCH better than the last (male) resident!! No need to try to harpoon the infertile gal on CD2 when she is already dealing with period cramps. Really.)
If you could pray that I get the new meds soon- I just have 1 900iu cartridge, and that is not going to last me long doing 250iu per night!!
I am definitely going to pray about volunteering to start a RESOLVE group in my area, as I don't think there is one. My biggest hesitation is that I think we are just about at the end of the RE road, meaning, we are going to do this IUI, and if it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure we'll move to IVF. (I say "pretty sure" because we are really trying to take this day-by-day, praying for guidance.) And if God doesn't bless us after both of those, I think we will likely start saving for adoption. (We do have a savings account just for babymaking stuff, and it does have enough in there for one IVF cycle, but at this point, we do not see it as a judicious way to spend our money to keep doing IVF cycle after IVF cycle after IVF cycle. Not that it isn't what others might feel is appropriate for them- everyone is different, and this is just what Mr. A feels is best for us. But it will be emptied after an IVF cycle, and saving $30k for adoption is not exactly an overnight process....)
It is hard for me to talk about "what if this doesn't work" kind of scenarios, because in my heart I
But Mr. A and I are both planning-kind-of-people. So that is what we do. Regardless of the fact that God's baby plans have yet to line up with ours....probably because His are so awesome that they take alot of time to get organized...
Happy CD1
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I am so glad to report that I'm curled up in my recliner thanks to CD1 and the awesome cramps :) But whatever! Time to get started with the successful follistim+progesterone cycle!
(So, if you're keeping track, I took my last dose of progesterone Friday morning, and I started 48 hours later...)
**
One of my 2010 "resolutions", of sort, is to make more friends my age, who have things in common with me. One of my ideas is to put up a flyer at my RE's office that I'm interested in getting together with others of us who are struggling to have kids. Not that I want this aspect of my life to hang around much longer, but it's a part of me now, and maybe (if I'm lucky), I could make friendships that might transcend pregnancy after IF. (?) Except, as much as I love my idea, I have a few concerns:
-I have no experience being a support group facilitator, and I guess we'd be forming sort of a support group, but when it comes down to it, I'd like the "format" to be us just meeting for coffee (decaf? haha) and just talking about what's going on.
-My RE is "over the mountain", and while I don't mind going over there to meet if most of the girls live over there (which I don't know if they do or not), I'd actually like more to find people on my side of the mountain to hang out with. Not that driving 40 minutes is terribly awful, but.... then I start to wonder if I should inquire at the local OBgyn offices first...
-I don't even know if my RE would let me put up the flyer, nor have I run this by Mr. A to see what he thinks about it.
-What happens when we get pregnant this cycle? (HA)
What do you think? Would you ask to put up the flyer?
ETA: Mr. A is not a fan of the flyer idea.... so probably back to the drawing board! Leslie, Thanks for suggesting starting a RESOLVE group, that might be a better idea!!!
(So, if you're keeping track, I took my last dose of progesterone Friday morning, and I started 48 hours later...)
**
One of my 2010 "resolutions", of sort, is to make more friends my age, who have things in common with me. One of my ideas is to put up a flyer at my RE's office that I'm interested in getting together with others of us who are struggling to have kids. Not that I want this aspect of my life to hang around much longer, but it's a part of me now, and maybe (if I'm lucky), I could make friendships that might transcend pregnancy after IF. (?) Except, as much as I love my idea, I have a few concerns:
-I have no experience being a support group facilitator, and I guess we'd be forming sort of a support group, but when it comes down to it, I'd like the "format" to be us just meeting for coffee (decaf? haha) and just talking about what's going on.
-My RE is "over the mountain", and while I don't mind going over there to meet if most of the girls live over there (which I don't know if they do or not), I'd actually like more to find people on my side of the mountain to hang out with. Not that driving 40 minutes is terribly awful, but.... then I start to wonder if I should inquire at the local OBgyn offices first...
-I don't even know if my RE would let me put up the flyer, nor have I run this by Mr. A to see what he thinks about it.
-What happens when we get pregnant this cycle? (HA)
What do you think? Would you ask to put up the flyer?
ETA: Mr. A is not a fan of the flyer idea.... so probably back to the drawing board! Leslie, Thanks for suggesting starting a RESOLVE group, that might be a better idea!!!
Hide and Seek
Saturday, January 23, 2010
So. Let's start our period, shall we?
Here is the thing. Mr. A's birthday is mid-February. I thought today would be CD1 (and, let's not be kidding ourselves that the beta wasn't right...), but so far no spotting. I understand that after stopping progesterone, it could take 7-10 days to start?!?! Unless I start within the next 6 days, there is a chance that we'd be doing our IUI on his birthday.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Time to head to the RE office!!
Pff.
Why must periods dilly dally when there is no baby in there? Let's get this new cycle on the road! The only positive I can see of being delayed is that I only have one more cartridge of follistim which will only last me 4 days, so if I don't start today, that gives me more time to get my meds replenished!! (This is actually something I am worried about, so I'm fine with starting tomorrow, but I really really don't want us to have to do the IUI on Mr. A's birthay...)
In other fun news, I have a "favorite things" post coming down the road! Also, I know I haven't posted any faith/reflective posts lately, and I hope it isn't coming across that I'm not considering God among all the events that have been happening recently- that couldn't be farther from the truth, really- but I'm just finding myself needing to reflect a little more before getting it down on "paper". Not to worry! I take my prayer list (for our intentions and for all of YOU and your intentions) with me every time Banana and I go out for our walks!
Here is the thing. Mr. A's birthday is mid-February. I thought today would be CD1 (and, let's not be kidding ourselves that the beta wasn't right...), but so far no spotting. I understand that after stopping progesterone, it could take 7-10 days to start?!?! Unless I start within the next 6 days, there is a chance that we'd be doing our IUI on his birthday.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Time to head to the RE office!!
Pff.
Why must periods dilly dally when there is no baby in there? Let's get this new cycle on the road! The only positive I can see of being delayed is that I only have one more cartridge of follistim which will only last me 4 days, so if I don't start today, that gives me more time to get my meds replenished!! (This is actually something I am worried about, so I'm fine with starting tomorrow, but I really really don't want us to have to do the IUI on Mr. A's birthay...)
In other fun news, I have a "favorite things" post coming down the road! Also, I know I haven't posted any faith/reflective posts lately, and I hope it isn't coming across that I'm not considering God among all the events that have been happening recently- that couldn't be farther from the truth, really- but I'm just finding myself needing to reflect a little more before getting it down on "paper". Not to worry! I take my prayer list (for our intentions and for all of YOU and your intentions) with me every time Banana and I go out for our walks!
beta=BFN
Friday, January 22, 2010
Nurse just called- beta was negative.
This ride is so crazy. Nothing is cut and dry, nothing is consistent, nothing is ever absolute or an easy answer. I don't think I'd mind so much if I could count on reliable "if...then you're pregnant" concepts, not "if.... then you might be pregnant but it might also indicate that your heart is beating or that you have a pair of legs or that you're not pregnant"... Ha!!!
I just want to thank everyone for praying for us! It was exciting to hope, and I know that I'll be the same way next month!! It's a good thing that I have healthy LP's, so today I will be thankful for that. And, in some weird way, I'm thankful that I'm not one of those women who never test positive on the home tests... gives me hope I'll still see those two lines one day :)
Be blessed today!! God has great plans for each of us :)
This ride is so crazy. Nothing is cut and dry, nothing is consistent, nothing is ever absolute or an easy answer. I don't think I'd mind so much if I could count on reliable "if...then you're pregnant" concepts, not "if.... then you might be pregnant but it might also indicate that your heart is beating or that you have a pair of legs or that you're not pregnant"... Ha!!!
I just want to thank everyone for praying for us! It was exciting to hope, and I know that I'll be the same way next month!! It's a good thing that I have healthy LP's, so today I will be thankful for that. And, in some weird way, I'm thankful that I'm not one of those women who never test positive on the home tests... gives me hope I'll still see those two lines one day :)
Be blessed today!! God has great plans for each of us :)
No period
Dontcha love BFN's at 16dpo but no period, no cramps, no spotting, even after $-e-x?!?!?!?!?
I woke up at 2am last night and swore that AF would be arriving before morning. When I took my temp, I was sure it'd be 97.1. When Mr. A was interested in a little activity before we got up, I was sure that he'd be the first one to tell me that I'd started. When I checked the tp before I even pee'd, I was sure there'd be red.
Not a chance.
Right now, I don't even feel like she's on her way.
So I'm going to call the RE when they open to get their take on this. I'd love to get a beta (clarification: a positive beta), but then again, we got some ice last night, and I don't really want to drive over the mountain (that sounds funny to me, but that is where the RE is- over the mountain from here!) when I could probably stand to wait this out. (I know, you must think I have the patience of ......whatever animal has alot of patience...)
The thing is that I am still taking the prometrium, but I don't really want to stop until I am for sure that there is no little baby in there. And, I know that many people say that it'll extend your LP or that you won't start while you're taking it, but last cycle I took it for the last half of my LP, and it only extended my LP by 1 day, and I started AF "while" I was taking it, so I am not particularly convinced of that (for me anyway).
When I google 16dpo bfn, there are many stories of women who don't get bfp's until after that, or never at all (just confirmed by a blood test), and I know one of my friend's sisters didn't get her pregnancy confirmed until she was 12 wks because she kept getting bfn's and spotting. Of course this doens't help the rational side of me deal with the (small) chance of being pregnant with a bfn at 16dpo!!! Is it possible that I could be one of those women? Could it be true?!
Only time will tell, I guess! I will update as the day goes on.... Thank you for all your prayers and support- it is really helping me keep my chin up!!
ETA: Beta ordered- leaving to go over the mountain soon! they'll have the results back today before close of business...
I woke up at 2am last night and swore that AF would be arriving before morning. When I took my temp, I was sure it'd be 97.1. When Mr. A was interested in a little activity before we got up, I was sure that he'd be the first one to tell me that I'd started. When I checked the tp before I even pee'd, I was sure there'd be red.
Not a chance.
Right now, I don't even feel like she's on her way.
So I'm going to call the RE when they open to get their take on this. I'd love to get a beta (clarification: a positive beta), but then again, we got some ice last night, and I don't really want to drive over the mountain (that sounds funny to me, but that is where the RE is- over the mountain from here!) when I could probably stand to wait this out. (I know, you must think I have the patience of ......whatever animal has alot of patience...)
The thing is that I am still taking the prometrium, but I don't really want to stop until I am for sure that there is no little baby in there. And, I know that many people say that it'll extend your LP or that you won't start while you're taking it, but last cycle I took it for the last half of my LP, and it only extended my LP by 1 day, and I started AF "while" I was taking it, so I am not particularly convinced of that (for me anyway).
When I google 16dpo bfn, there are many stories of women who don't get bfp's until after that, or never at all (just confirmed by a blood test), and I know one of my friend's sisters didn't get her pregnancy confirmed until she was 12 wks because she kept getting bfn's and spotting. Of course this doens't help the rational side of me deal with the (small) chance of being pregnant with a bfn at 16dpo!!! Is it possible that I could be one of those women? Could it be true?!
Only time will tell, I guess! I will update as the day goes on.... Thank you for all your prayers and support- it is really helping me keep my chin up!!
ETA: Beta ordered- leaving to go over the mountain soon! they'll have the results back today before close of business...
I am not brave
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Hello, I am a chicken ;-)
I didn't test, but neither is it CD1. Welcome to 15dpo. My temp was 98.5- still WAY high for this point in the game for me- especially because I got up an hour before for a drink of water, so it wasn't like I'd been laying there for 4 consecutive hours, or whatever it's supposed to be.
I just want the test to be so positive I don't even have to look at it twice. If I wait till 16dpo, it should be that way, right?
I don't really feel like AF is coming. My face is all clear, except my cheeks have been red for the last 4ish days- I always look like I've come in from a cold outside or something. I am still pretty tired feeling, I haven't had any spotting, I had a slight tightening feeling this morning in the uterus area, but (you are going to laugh at this description, and I will feel especially idiotic if I get AF tomorrow) the tightening/sort of cramp thing kind of felt like it was squeezing a ball...like how a stress ball would feel if you squeezed it. HA!! I have officially lost it ;-)
Only God knows what is in store- tomorrow I plan to call the RE regardless. I'll either be asking for a beta or setting up a CD3 u/s... praying it's the former....
I didn't test, but neither is it CD1. Welcome to 15dpo. My temp was 98.5- still WAY high for this point in the game for me- especially because I got up an hour before for a drink of water, so it wasn't like I'd been laying there for 4 consecutive hours, or whatever it's supposed to be.
I just want the test to be so positive I don't even have to look at it twice. If I wait till 16dpo, it should be that way, right?
I don't really feel like AF is coming. My face is all clear, except my cheeks have been red for the last 4ish days- I always look like I've come in from a cold outside or something. I am still pretty tired feeling, I haven't had any spotting, I had a slight tightening feeling this morning in the uterus area, but (you are going to laugh at this description, and I will feel especially idiotic if I get AF tomorrow) the tightening/sort of cramp thing kind of felt like it was squeezing a ball...like how a stress ball would feel if you squeezed it. HA!! I have officially lost it ;-)
Only God knows what is in store- tomorrow I plan to call the RE regardless. I'll either be asking for a beta or setting up a CD3 u/s... praying it's the former....
Almost There
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
This week has been pretty busy at work/home/volunteering...thus the lack of posting!! Now it's time for me to catch up on everyone!!
Here is the gist: yesterday I felt like total crap. The second day of a headache, exhausted, impatient, and just a general dragging feeling. When I sit or lay down, it feels like I weigh 800 lbs- like there is this huge force of gravity holding me down. Mr. A had to help one of his buddies move a ginormous fish tank, and in his absence, I fell asleep at 730pm and didn't wake up till 930pm when he called to say he was on his way home. I felt sort of hungry, but nothing really sounded good.
At 13dpo, a girl doesn't take feeling like crap lightly, you know? Nor do I take a temp of 98.61 on 13dpo, and 98.62 at 14dpo (today) lightly, either. (Mind you, I haven't been temping at all, so I have nothing before 13dpo to compare that to, but I was just curious....but when I was temping, I only hit 98.6 once in my whole temping career and it was on 11dpo and it fell like a rock the very next day). And I would like to note that I never got a headache on 9dpo (which had been the norm), and even those past headaches did not last more than an afternoon.
Too bad I had to pee at 3am, so I wasn't sure if it'd be concentrated enough for a positive test at 630am ;-) (Plus I am a chicken anyway. Good excuse for not testing, huh?)
I am really trying hard not to run away with all of these symptoms. It is pretty tough. I have so much hope.
But stupid doubt creeps in and makes me even more worried that even though I feel like this, it's probably just the progesterone supplements, and that the test tomorrow (or Friday, haha) will be negative anyway.
After I spoke at the church on Sunday, this lady comes up to me to sign up to be a volunteer, and she was telling me that before her family moved here, they had looked up our center and wanted to make that part of their lives, and that the previous night, she had laid in bed thinking that she should call our center to get more information, and how, when I spoke about our center the very next morning, all she could think was "Wow, God's timing is so cool."
Yes, yes it is.
Have you ever had one of those experiences? Where all of a sudden everything lines up and works out and is crystal clear and you feel like angels are about to appear in the heaven's? I haven't. I pray that God might bless me with one of those soon (like, you know, tomorrow, when the test is positive!!!). Or even if it isn't positive tomorrow, that we'd be blessed with crystal clear discernment. I want the last line of my testimony about this journey to be "Wow, God's timing is so cool."
I know He won't disappoint.
Here is the gist: yesterday I felt like total crap. The second day of a headache, exhausted, impatient, and just a general dragging feeling. When I sit or lay down, it feels like I weigh 800 lbs- like there is this huge force of gravity holding me down. Mr. A had to help one of his buddies move a ginormous fish tank, and in his absence, I fell asleep at 730pm and didn't wake up till 930pm when he called to say he was on his way home. I felt sort of hungry, but nothing really sounded good.
At 13dpo, a girl doesn't take feeling like crap lightly, you know? Nor do I take a temp of 98.61 on 13dpo, and 98.62 at 14dpo (today) lightly, either. (Mind you, I haven't been temping at all, so I have nothing before 13dpo to compare that to, but I was just curious....but when I was temping, I only hit 98.6 once in my whole temping career and it was on 11dpo and it fell like a rock the very next day). And I would like to note that I never got a headache on 9dpo (which had been the norm), and even those past headaches did not last more than an afternoon.
Too bad I had to pee at 3am, so I wasn't sure if it'd be concentrated enough for a positive test at 630am ;-) (Plus I am a chicken anyway. Good excuse for not testing, huh?)
I am really trying hard not to run away with all of these symptoms. It is pretty tough. I have so much hope.
But stupid doubt creeps in and makes me even more worried that even though I feel like this, it's probably just the progesterone supplements, and that the test tomorrow (or Friday, haha) will be negative anyway.
After I spoke at the church on Sunday, this lady comes up to me to sign up to be a volunteer, and she was telling me that before her family moved here, they had looked up our center and wanted to make that part of their lives, and that the previous night, she had laid in bed thinking that she should call our center to get more information, and how, when I spoke about our center the very next morning, all she could think was "Wow, God's timing is so cool."
Yes, yes it is.
Have you ever had one of those experiences? Where all of a sudden everything lines up and works out and is crystal clear and you feel like angels are about to appear in the heaven's? I haven't. I pray that God might bless me with one of those soon (like, you know, tomorrow, when the test is positive!!!). Or even if it isn't positive tomorrow, that we'd be blessed with crystal clear discernment. I want the last line of my testimony about this journey to be "Wow, God's timing is so cool."
I know He won't disappoint.
Lemonade out of Lemons
Saturday, January 16, 2010
I was so honored to receive the "Making Lemonade out of Lemons" award from venting vagina the other day! She has been having a great attitude about going through IVF lately, and many of her multi-media (you tube, pictures, ebay finds) posts are hilarious (and/or super cute) and really remind me to keep everything in perspective :)
The rules for this award:
- Put the Lemonade logo on your blog or within your post.
- Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude.
- Link the nominees within your post.
- Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
- Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
I nominate, in no particular order…
1. Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans2. Wistful Girl
3. Inconceivable!
4. Mission: Motherhood (she is doing an amazing job seeking peace after her recent miscarriage)
5. Mis(sed)conception
6. Making Me Mom
7. Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility
8. a + b, waiting for c
9. While I'm Waiting
10. The Potter Family Happenings
You Understand!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I hope no one minded the somber post on Tuesday! It is amazing how many of you identified with what I was thinking- you understand! I also loved the quotes from Leah and Jane about how struggle/adversity bring out qualities that might not have been revealed otherwise. And I totally agree! I, for one, know that my faith has become so much stronger throughout this journey, and I sort of cringe to think of where my prayer/spiritual life would have been today if we'd conceived the first month we tried. As a Christian, I think the concept of those quotes is underwritten by God's promise to use everything for good! If anything, looking for the good amidst the struggle takes your mind off the struggle, doesn't it?
And, lest you be worried, I assure you I haven't lost any of my outrageous optimism!! It is still alive and thriving, especially with my progesterone being 20.5 yesterday at 7dpo!! I know it's not the highest progesterone ever, but I'm pretty sure that could sustain a little one, right? I am tempted to ask for another test tomorrow (9dpo), but I don't know if that would be obnoxious of me, especially since I'm still taking the supplements.... I might have to start referring to myself as the squeaky wheel... ;-)
I am very hopeful that the continued absorption of progesterone is helping our little one to grow. I did have some pretty localized pain the night of 6dpo and the morning of 7dpo, kind of like if someone poked you, and I have some mild achiness of the bbs, and I have been so tired, but it is still early, and all of these things could be from the progesterone supplements. But never fear, my hope is still floating along!!
On Tuesday, I got a call out of the blue to see if I would speak at a local church this coming Sunday (Sanctity of Life Sunday) for the pregnancy center. I have never done this before, and I have no idea what prompted them to ask me, but I definitely agreed! I am excited to visit a new church and share what our center does for our community. We are forming a new class of trainee's, so I hope that maybe my words will speak to someone's heart and magnify whatever calling God has for them in our center. As I was praying about it, though, I realized that this Sunday, I could be carrying a new life within me as I speak. Whoa. How amazing would that be. And yet, God is in the business of amazing, so it wouldn't surprise me!
And at the same time I write that, I know in my heart that there are people who've suffered greatly very recently- from miscarriages and failed cycles, to the citizens of Ha.iti. My prayer list has gotten very long, but I love it. As my friend T's pastor says: "You need the prayers, and I need the practice!" To those of you suffering, I don't know what exactly it's like to be in your shoes, but I can imagine, and I can pray for you as you heal. Be assured that God is with you, and He does have amazing plans for you, even though it might not feel like it now. "Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you" (1 Peter 5:7)!!!
And, lest you be worried, I assure you I haven't lost any of my outrageous optimism!! It is still alive and thriving, especially with my progesterone being 20.5 yesterday at 7dpo!! I know it's not the highest progesterone ever, but I'm pretty sure that could sustain a little one, right? I am tempted to ask for another test tomorrow (9dpo), but I don't know if that would be obnoxious of me, especially since I'm still taking the supplements.... I might have to start referring to myself as the squeaky wheel... ;-)
I am very hopeful that the continued absorption of progesterone is helping our little one to grow. I did have some pretty localized pain the night of 6dpo and the morning of 7dpo, kind of like if someone poked you, and I have some mild achiness of the bbs, and I have been so tired, but it is still early, and all of these things could be from the progesterone supplements. But never fear, my hope is still floating along!!
On Tuesday, I got a call out of the blue to see if I would speak at a local church this coming Sunday (Sanctity of Life Sunday) for the pregnancy center. I have never done this before, and I have no idea what prompted them to ask me, but I definitely agreed! I am excited to visit a new church and share what our center does for our community. We are forming a new class of trainee's, so I hope that maybe my words will speak to someone's heart and magnify whatever calling God has for them in our center. As I was praying about it, though, I realized that this Sunday, I could be carrying a new life within me as I speak. Whoa. How amazing would that be. And yet, God is in the business of amazing, so it wouldn't surprise me!
And at the same time I write that, I know in my heart that there are people who've suffered greatly very recently- from miscarriages and failed cycles, to the citizens of Ha.iti. My prayer list has gotten very long, but I love it. As my friend T's pastor says: "You need the prayers, and I need the practice!" To those of you suffering, I don't know what exactly it's like to be in your shoes, but I can imagine, and I can pray for you as you heal. Be assured that God is with you, and He does have amazing plans for you, even though it might not feel like it now. "Cast all your anxieties on Him, for He cares about you" (1 Peter 5:7)!!!
You Wouldn't Understand
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Recently, I received an email in which the sender (who is due this spring) described how she is feeling better now, after having thrown up daily. Then, she proceeds to disclaim her statements with "Oh, I'm sorry, this is probably TMI for those of you who don't know what it's like to be pregnant."
As if it isn't a widely known fact that people throw up when they're pregnant. As if I didn't throw up twice last cycle's 2ww and pray that I'd be doing more of that. Yep, there is no way anyone who hasn't been pregnant knows the relief of not throwing up after you've been losing your cookies for a while.
So, in a flash of being a brat (not really a flash, the thoughts festered for a few days), I sent out my own update. Of nothing. Yes, nothing is going on with us. No fun pictures of our babies in Christmas outfits, no updates on how our baby is getting along with our new dog, no updates on how big my baby bump is, and no updates on the extravagant travel plans we have for this year (as the newlywed couple tends to say)*. We are alive, that's about it. (Can't have them thinking I'm not emailing because I'm keeping a baby secret...) (*I didn't write these words- but this is what I was thinking.)
Mostly because they wouldn't understand, either.
They wouldn't understand that we can't go on extravagant vacations because we're saving up in case we are led towards IVF (Hello, $9k), or even MORE expensive, adoption (Hello, $30k). They wouldn't understand all the acronyms I use easily (TTC, IUI, FSH, P4, HCG, 2WW, DPO, .....), and they wouldn't understand why I have a sharps box sitting on the dining room table. They wouldn't understand why our fridge is covered with post-it's of Psalm verses of hope and despair, or why "1dpo" is clearly marked on the calendar. They wouldn't understand why I get frustrated when they talk about their kids like they are commodities. They wouldn't understand the hurt that comes from the way they casually joke about how easy it is to have kids (all you need is a blizzard or a power outage, obviously). They wouldn't understand how it is to live your life in 30-day increments (give or take), or what it's like to wait more than 2 years for something your heart's been praying for. They wouldn't understand having to pray for their heart's desire because their heart's desire is not something that can be purchased because of a whim or ordered from Ama.zon or traveled to. They wouldn't understand what it's like to pray your heart out for your heart's desire and have it not materialize before their eyes.
No one has emailed me back in response to my "we're just alive" email. They are probably so busy with their exciting lives- I probably wouldn't understand.
As if it isn't a widely known fact that people throw up when they're pregnant. As if I didn't throw up twice last cycle's 2ww and pray that I'd be doing more of that. Yep, there is no way anyone who hasn't been pregnant knows the relief of not throwing up after you've been losing your cookies for a while.
So, in a flash of being a brat (not really a flash, the thoughts festered for a few days), I sent out my own update. Of nothing. Yes, nothing is going on with us. No fun pictures of our babies in Christmas outfits, no updates on how our baby is getting along with our new dog, no updates on how big my baby bump is, and no updates on the extravagant travel plans we have for this year (as the newlywed couple tends to say)*. We are alive, that's about it. (Can't have them thinking I'm not emailing because I'm keeping a baby secret...) (*I didn't write these words- but this is what I was thinking.)
Mostly because they wouldn't understand, either.
They wouldn't understand that we can't go on extravagant vacations because we're saving up in case we are led towards IVF (Hello, $9k), or even MORE expensive, adoption (Hello, $30k). They wouldn't understand all the acronyms I use easily (TTC, IUI, FSH, P4, HCG, 2WW, DPO, .....), and they wouldn't understand why I have a sharps box sitting on the dining room table. They wouldn't understand why our fridge is covered with post-it's of Psalm verses of hope and despair, or why "1dpo" is clearly marked on the calendar. They wouldn't understand why I get frustrated when they talk about their kids like they are commodities. They wouldn't understand the hurt that comes from the way they casually joke about how easy it is to have kids (all you need is a blizzard or a power outage, obviously). They wouldn't understand how it is to live your life in 30-day increments (give or take), or what it's like to wait more than 2 years for something your heart's been praying for. They wouldn't understand having to pray for their heart's desire because their heart's desire is not something that can be purchased because of a whim or ordered from Ama.zon or traveled to. They wouldn't understand what it's like to pray your heart out for your heart's desire and have it not materialize before their eyes.
No one has emailed me back in response to my "we're just alive" email. They are probably so busy with their exciting lives- I probably wouldn't understand.
So Cozy
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Banana's curled up in front of the fire, the fire itself is glowing warmly, I just finished my cup of hot chocolate (trying to avoid coffee now that I'm in the 2ww- you have to try Swiss Miss's new Mocha Cappuchino flavor!!!), I am catching up on blogs (you have got to go read All You Who Hope- her new daughter is SO PRECIOUS- and her adoption story is ALL God), Mr. A is playing hot strongman husband- chopping up a newly-downed tree at his friends' place for more firewood for us, I am about to write an update post on me, then I'm going to read some more of "The Caligrapher's Daughter", my latest library find (maybe Banana will let me share her dog bed- it is the closest to the fire!)...and at some point I should do some laundry...
Also I am snacking on brazil nuts. RANDOM! I had never purchased anything from the bulk section of the grocery store before, so I felt pretty fancy doing that last night. All the bins always look so enticing!! Anyway, my friend K and a blogger (who I atrociously apparently failed to bookmark, but I know I read the post that she's attributing any upcoming BFP to eating brazil nuts, which are high in selenium which can (supposedly?) help implantation... so if you're reading and you recently posted about this, please accept my apologies and leave a comment so I can follow you!!!) have educated me on the supposed benefits of brazil nuts!! What the heck, I've tried gorging on pineapple during the 2ww with futile results- why not try brazil nuts! Luckily I find them fairly tasty :) (ETA: FOUND IT! The blogger is My Basic World- go check her out if you haven't already!)
So far, so good with the progesterone suppositories (I always feel like squirming at that word...)- no crazy leakage, although I am wearing a liner, so maybe I'm just not noticing it. I've had sore bbs since my second peak day, so I'm just praying that this extra dose will allow our little one to snuggle in!! (Thank you all for your encouragement on my last post!) Also I've noticed a tad bit of bloating in the evenings lately. Of course I'm 3dpo, so this is 99% meaningless!
I feel like there is alot going on with our inferile blog community lately. Do you feel this way, too? Whether it's evident movement or more subtle goings-on, I think there are alot of changes coming up for alot of us. Becoming pregnant, getting ready to adopt, trying new meds, embarking on a new treatment plan, healing from a loss, making the decision to stop meds for a time, looking forward to the next thing your child will learn, or even accepting the idea of living child-free... all of these are changes that are so easily listed out, but they are huge in their impact in our lives. And while everyone makes their own separate choices, with respect to infertility and everything else about their life, the thing that stays the same is that we're bound by the same struggle, the same deep longing to make the nursery the first room we visit after opening our eyes in the morning...
Also I am snacking on brazil nuts. RANDOM! I had never purchased anything from the bulk section of the grocery store before, so I felt pretty fancy doing that last night. All the bins always look so enticing!! Anyway, my friend K and a blogger (who I atrociously apparently failed to bookmark, but I know I read the post that she's attributing any upcoming BFP to eating brazil nuts, which are high in selenium which can (supposedly?) help implantation... so if you're reading and you recently posted about this, please accept my apologies and leave a comment so I can follow you!!!) have educated me on the supposed benefits of brazil nuts!! What the heck, I've tried gorging on pineapple during the 2ww with futile results- why not try brazil nuts! Luckily I find them fairly tasty :) (ETA: FOUND IT! The blogger is My Basic World- go check her out if you haven't already!)
So far, so good with the progesterone suppositories (I always feel like squirming at that word...)- no crazy leakage, although I am wearing a liner, so maybe I'm just not noticing it. I've had sore bbs since my second peak day, so I'm just praying that this extra dose will allow our little one to snuggle in!! (Thank you all for your encouragement on my last post!) Also I've noticed a tad bit of bloating in the evenings lately. Of course I'm 3dpo, so this is 99% meaningless!
I feel like there is alot going on with our inferile blog community lately. Do you feel this way, too? Whether it's evident movement or more subtle goings-on, I think there are alot of changes coming up for alot of us. Becoming pregnant, getting ready to adopt, trying new meds, embarking on a new treatment plan, healing from a loss, making the decision to stop meds for a time, looking forward to the next thing your child will learn, or even accepting the idea of living child-free... all of these are changes that are so easily listed out, but they are huge in their impact in our lives. And while everyone makes their own separate choices, with respect to infertility and everything else about their life, the thing that stays the same is that we're bound by the same struggle, the same deep longing to make the nursery the first room we visit after opening our eyes in the morning...
Finally the 2ww
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Wow, I will tell Banana that everyone loved her post- she will be thrilled! ;-)
It has taken a day or so to get used to keeping the fire going...but I think I've gotten a handle on it. It is kind of surprising how much wood we have to load in there to get to the optimal burn temperature (did you know there was such a thing?), but we are doing our best :) It is so nice and warm!! Mr. A and I sit or lay on either side of Banana in front of the stove in the evening and just watch how it burns...
And yes, I finally got my peak Tuesday, so today is supposedly 1dpo, so I started the progesterone this morning. I have had countless 2ww's, but this is the first one with progesterone support the whole time. Will it contribute to letting our little one snuggle in? I sure hope so.
In some ways I like the 2ww so much better than before ovulation... no having to pee on the monitor sticks, no keeping in the back of your mind what cycle day it is and whether or not it would be good to you-know-what, just kind of like catching your breath. Of course, in other ways the 2ww is tougher- nothing to do but wait and see...
I don't quite know what I'll think if we get our BFP this cycle. I have a feeling that there will be some guilt involved...that I should have asked for progesterone support before now. I threw up twice in the 2ww last cycle, a few days apart, and not attached to anyone else getting sick, and I just can't help but imagine that we'd conceived but there was not enough progesterone support for the little one. But I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty. After all, God does not make mistakes, and so if this is the cycle we find out we're expecting, it has always been the cycle that we'd find that out in His eyes. Perhaps He wanted me to know what it's like to have a gut feeling, trust my gut feeling, and be right for once.... before I get a gut feeling we're pregnant and wonder if I should trust it...
I think Mr. A has a gut feeling progesterone is the piece we've been missing. I'm going to trust him on this one... Husbands are always right, isn't that correct? :)
It has taken a day or so to get used to keeping the fire going...but I think I've gotten a handle on it. It is kind of surprising how much wood we have to load in there to get to the optimal burn temperature (did you know there was such a thing?), but we are doing our best :) It is so nice and warm!! Mr. A and I sit or lay on either side of Banana in front of the stove in the evening and just watch how it burns...
And yes, I finally got my peak Tuesday, so today is supposedly 1dpo, so I started the progesterone this morning. I have had countless 2ww's, but this is the first one with progesterone support the whole time. Will it contribute to letting our little one snuggle in? I sure hope so.
In some ways I like the 2ww so much better than before ovulation... no having to pee on the monitor sticks, no keeping in the back of your mind what cycle day it is and whether or not it would be good to you-know-what, just kind of like catching your breath. Of course, in other ways the 2ww is tougher- nothing to do but wait and see...
I don't quite know what I'll think if we get our BFP this cycle. I have a feeling that there will be some guilt involved...that I should have asked for progesterone support before now. I threw up twice in the 2ww last cycle, a few days apart, and not attached to anyone else getting sick, and I just can't help but imagine that we'd conceived but there was not enough progesterone support for the little one. But I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty. After all, God does not make mistakes, and so if this is the cycle we find out we're expecting, it has always been the cycle that we'd find that out in His eyes. Perhaps He wanted me to know what it's like to have a gut feeling, trust my gut feeling, and be right for once.... before I get a gut feeling we're pregnant and wonder if I should trust it...
I think Mr. A has a gut feeling progesterone is the piece we've been missing. I'm going to trust him on this one... Husbands are always right, isn't that correct? :)
Guest Post (Banana)
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Hi everyone, Banana here. Just wanted to write a few things.
I think A has completely gone bonkers. It has been downright frigid here (like, today the high is 30F). So on Sunday, A got the bright idea that she would put one of her old shrunk sweaters on me for our walk! She laughs alot when she is putting me in this sweater, and she keeps telling Mr. A how great it is they didn't have to spend any money on clothes for me. Even though it doesn't fit exactly right, I do feel alot warmer when I take walks. It hangs down below my belly, so it makes me look a little fat, but I am not looking to date anyone right now, so I don't care. Since I'm warmer on the walks, I feel like running and playing in the snow more, instead of just doing my business and coming home!! Speaking of coming home, this morning A left my sweater on while she was making the fire, so I took a nap with it on... here I am when I woke up..
Yesterday, these two random guys came into our house and brought this huge black box with them. They used some very loud tools- they were so loud I took my kong and went into my crate. But eventually they left, and turns out that black box is warm! Here's how I spent my night last night....
A and Mr. A keep talking about how they had to start small with the fires, but they are going to keep a bigger one during the day today. So far so good- it is definitely cozy in the family room!!
And speaking of being cozy, A and Mr. A are certainly having fun lately, if you know what I mean. I'm glad because I want to be a big sister, you know, to have someone to play with around here. I really love kids- especially licking whatever food they have left on their cheek!!! A told me she got her peak this morning, whatever that means. She seems happy about that, so I guess I am happy about that, too!
Okay, gotta finish up this post and go back to watching the fire- it is a tough job, you know!!
Love, Banana
I think A has completely gone bonkers. It has been downright frigid here (like, today the high is 30F). So on Sunday, A got the bright idea that she would put one of her old shrunk sweaters on me for our walk! She laughs alot when she is putting me in this sweater, and she keeps telling Mr. A how great it is they didn't have to spend any money on clothes for me. Even though it doesn't fit exactly right, I do feel alot warmer when I take walks. It hangs down below my belly, so it makes me look a little fat, but I am not looking to date anyone right now, so I don't care. Since I'm warmer on the walks, I feel like running and playing in the snow more, instead of just doing my business and coming home!! Speaking of coming home, this morning A left my sweater on while she was making the fire, so I took a nap with it on... here I am when I woke up..
Yesterday, these two random guys came into our house and brought this huge black box with them. They used some very loud tools- they were so loud I took my kong and went into my crate. But eventually they left, and turns out that black box is warm! Here's how I spent my night last night....
A and Mr. A keep talking about how they had to start small with the fires, but they are going to keep a bigger one during the day today. So far so good- it is definitely cozy in the family room!!
And speaking of being cozy, A and Mr. A are certainly having fun lately, if you know what I mean. I'm glad because I want to be a big sister, you know, to have someone to play with around here. I really love kids- especially licking whatever food they have left on their cheek!!! A told me she got her peak this morning, whatever that means. She seems happy about that, so I guess I am happy about that, too!
Okay, gotta finish up this post and go back to watching the fire- it is a tough job, you know!!
Love, Banana
Welcome, 2010!
Friday, January 01, 2010
Good thing the coming of the new year doesn't depend on me being awake to greet it... I am very much looking forward to a wonderful year! I have thought several times that this is not only a new year but also a new decade, but maybe that'll be another post.
Anyway, I just wanted to rejoice that All You Who Hope's baby might be here! Please pray for her and head over to her blog to read the story! I don't know for sure what the latest is, but I am praying that if this is the little one for her that God would open wide the doors (especially that darn financial one)!!! He is a powerful God so I don't doubt for one second that He would not provide in this manner!!
We've had a great day :) We made a great breakfast, we put on a great pot of ham & bean soup (come on good luck!), we made great progress on cleaning out the garage, and we're greatly looking forward to making this baby of ours ;-)
Anyway, I just wanted to rejoice that All You Who Hope's baby might be here! Please pray for her and head over to her blog to read the story! I don't know for sure what the latest is, but I am praying that if this is the little one for her that God would open wide the doors (especially that darn financial one)!!! He is a powerful God so I don't doubt for one second that He would not provide in this manner!!
We've had a great day :) We made a great breakfast, we put on a great pot of ham & bean soup (come on good luck!), we made great progress on cleaning out the garage, and we're greatly looking forward to making this baby of ours ;-)
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