Reflections (v. 2.0)

Last year, I wrote a post reflecting on 2009. So I have been thinking about 2010 and what I'll write about it.

As I look back on it, I think 2010 was mostly not a good year. Meaning, at least 50% of my memories and thoughts about it are negative. Of course there are good things like our marriage and our pups and starting acupuncture and eating organic/natural, but other than that, things were pretty crappy. You can review the list of crap here. And even things like my grossly inconsiderate fertile friends added to the bog.

So, sorry, 2010. When I look back on you, I think of disappointment, failure, sadness, abandonment, and deflated hope.

But unlike my projections about 2010, my projections about 2011 do not contain any rosy cheeked baby next Christmas. I think it is cliche and unrealistic for me to sit here and say "I think we will have a baby next Christmas" because that is what I said last year and obviously it didn't do me any good. Except maybe it makes me face the fact that it will probably never happen for us.

As much as I honestly am not including any baby in my 2011 expectations, I sort of chuckle when I think of it because it is like a big cosmic reverse psychology session that I sit here and think that this year I'm not even going to dream of a child because that is what I did last year and look where it got me.

Luckily, even though I have given up hope that any sort of baby will be born to us this year, I don't picture 2011 to be the same as 2010 in the sadness capacity. Mostly because all of the sadness (my grandfather's death notwithstanding) came from infertility treatments and expectations, and this year we have none. So, without the expectation that something is going to work, you don't have much fall when it doesn't. (Stay tuned for a potential big contradiction to this statement.) In this way, even if we are still childless this time next year, at least we didn't expect anything different.

Maybe this is not a very faithful way to look at things- after all, we aren't supposed to give up hoping. But I also think that if we are to die to ourselves in following Christ, that means to give up our dreams in place of what God might have for us. And with this concept, that does mean giving up hope that your dreams will come true.

I don't really think anything big is going to happen for us in 2011. I think we will continue loving each other and our dogs, paying down our mortgage, reading good books, making wonderful food, and falling asleep at 9:15pm. I think in the eyes of most people, we will be kind of boring. And I think in the eyes of society, we will be less than a family.

But I think 2011 will be a good year. And I'm not trying to be vague just so next year at this time I won't be proven wrong again. I have high hopes for it in every way except for expanding our family.

I have a theme for 2011, but I will wait until 1/1 to announce it. Excuse my french, in advance ;-)

Christmas in Review

In short, I was pleasantly surprised :)

WHEW!

I cooked a ton of good food, and most importantly my dairy-allergic brother in law didn't get sick once!!!!, everyone stayed over several nights, we had a family Twister tournament (seriously, my mom was beating my brother!!!), we played cards till 1am accompanied by lots of good things to drink, we broke out my Office Clue game, and we had our annual knock down drag out Monopoly shootout. We had family prayer time and enjoyed a beautiful Christmas Eve service together. And everyone loved Banana and Bert.

I think everyone was comfortable and happy here, and that makes us very happy. YAY!!

I did test BFN on Christmas Eve, and maybe it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but I didn't think twice about it (what else did I expect?) and allowed myself to have nary an empty glass for most of the time my family was here. In that same vein, I allowed myself a break from my Infertility Cure ban on coffee and alcohol and chocolate and white flour.... I trusted the validity of that BFN, but it was a little unsettling that I didn't start a new cycle till yesterday. Maybe it was the excitement/good "stress" of having everyone here.

The only major snafoo is that we went about a half hour away from here for dinner on Monday night, and when we returned we found that Bert and Banana had eaten 1 lb of peppermint bark (yes, including milk/dark chocolate), two tins of my mom's cookies, and one of the two gingerbread houses we had decorated. Gulp. Banana had already thrown up twice, but we had to give Bert hydrogen peroxide to make him throw up (on the advice of the emergency vet over the phone). We were pretty freaked out, since chocolate can be deadly to dogs. Banana was still looking awful yesterday morning (she threw up twice more), and her abdomen and chest area were so bloated that they were pretty hard to the touch. You know, like the symptoms for deadly dog bloat. Double gulp. We took her to the vet first thing yesterday morning, and the vet didn't expect dog bloat (the twisting of the stomach kind), but Banana has pretty dehydrated. So the vet kept her at her office yesterday and gave her a shot of antivomit meds and a liter of fluids. Luckily for us, Banana was well enough to come home at 7:30pm last night!!

Except that Banana pulled out the catheter port that the vet had bandaged up in case she needed more fluids this morning. So we look over at one point last night and see that there is blood all over the pillow and blanket she was sitting on. Me and Mr. A had to unbandage her arm and pull out the catheter/needle, and rebandage it. I have never been queasy (and I suspect that maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was bleeding by that point, too- thank you CD1), but I had to go out on the deck for a few minutes. Luckily, the vet said this morning that her arm should heal fine and that she should be back to normal digestive-wise in a few days. Crisis averted!!!

So all in all, it was a great Christmas. I have other reflections on the continued failure to achieve pregnancy, but that will be for another post. Today should be a relaxing day- have to keep an eye on Banana, but I can get some cleaning up done from the blessed din of having 8 adults over for several days!!!

cookies!

One of my plates of decorated cookies! Busy today but enjoying it!!!

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Coming together

Well, all our gifts are wrapped (except Bert's and Banana's, what is the point?), all my errands have been run, all I have left to do is bake cinnamon rolls for the neighbors and clean up the house and make up the beds. YAY.

My sister and I talked on Sunday night, and I think she honestly didn't realize how much I was looking forward to Hangoutapalooza 2010. She clearly doesn't read this blog ;-) I still don't think they will stay (her lame excuse is that they "wanted to avoid packing a bag"...well excuse me if the entire rest of your family is staying together 30 minutes away and it is too much of an inconvenience to pack 3 changes of clothes!!!), but my parents are staying less days than we thought they were, so there is actually not that many other dinner opportunities, so I think I will be able to host those and the fun afterwards.

After all, I just bought a case from the winery down the road (4 Traminette's for you, B! Haha). Lord knows I'm not supposed to have that much alcohol!

I had a wonderful acupuncture session today, and my practitioner made all her clients rose quarts bracelets! I feel very at peace right now, and excited about my day of baking and straightening up tomorrow. There is a chance my parents will arrive late tomorrow night, which I think would be cool because the first thing they will see is the blue lights in honor of grandpa...

And speaking of grandpa, please keep grandma in your prayers. She is feeling very depressed and lonely this Christmas. It is easy for me to say "well, he is looking down upon us and smiling", but I know those words might be hollow if it were me who just lost my husband of sixty years.

As for this cycle, I am in denial that I am almost at the of the 2ww. Seriously. It would be so perfect for things to turn out differently, but they never do. I am fully expecting to start on Friday morning and to never have an empty glass the rest of the weekend. I have a hard time thinking that God is going to allow me to experience such a sense of failure when the rest of the church is filled with other people's accomplishments.

Will keep you posted! I've been wanting to take pictures, but we just got a new camera and I haven't plugged it into our computer to get the photos off yet. Hopefully soon!

Why do I even try?

It's official. The sister who lives closest to me wants to have more dinners at their townhouse while our family is here (other than, you know, the most important Christmas Day meal!!!), and they don't want to stay here more than Christmas Eve.

Why did I just go buy tons of dairy-free things that BIL can have?
Why did I buy snacks BIL can have for their hospitality basket in the room we have for them?
Why have I been looking forward to late night card games with everyone here and empty bottles of wine?
Why did I think for one second they would put aside this passive-aggressive competitive thing they have with us because we have a single family house and they have a townhouse right now? (I don't know why us having a house makes them so awkward. We are 2 years older. I'm sure in 2 years they will have a house, too.)
Why did I think they would embrace us hosting Christmas, and know that their time will come?

I can't do much. I can't have a baby. I can't pretend like our town has all the cool/hip bars and restaurants that theirs does. I can't regale visitors with hundreds of pictures from all our globe-trotting adventures. I can't pull a bottle of wine from our extensive diversified collection (a case I just bought from the winery doesn't count).

But I can knock hostessing out of the park. I can open our home to 6 family members (with exactly as many beds as needed!) for a long, relaxing holiday celebration. I can make up hospitality baskets for each of our three bedrooms, including snacks and water and glasses, so that our guests will feel at home. I can make you dinners that you will dream about later. I can buy new Christmas sheets just for our guests so that their sleep is restful. I can modify recipes so that people who are allergic to dairy can share in the meal. I can make a fire in our cozy wood stove to set the ambiance for the evening.

But why do I even try, if no one is going to be here?

This is bringing alot of insecurities of mine to the surface, and damned if it has to happen right before Christmas. Hosting Christmas is the only thing I can do. My parents and sisters and brother are the only family we have, and is it so awful to want us all to be under the same roof for a few days? As I told my sister this afternoon, if they decide to move 15 minutes from here in a big house and want to host Christmas in a future year, you better believe I am going to bring my dogs and park my butt at her place for the Christmas holiday, without feeling slighted because no one went to my house, too.

They go on all these fancy trips and go to all these fancy bars and have all these fancy hobbies, so I feel that we are boring compared to them. It is true that we are total homebodies, but our home is inviting and warm and relaxing. It is true that we don't have much in the way of excitement, unless you count playing ball with our dogs in the yard.

They are going on a 4-month cruise next fall (long story), and they are supposedly going to try to get pregnant during the cruise. I am worried sick that they are going to come home (at Christmas, no less), and have a gabillion pictures and tales to share about their amazing adventures AND be able to announce that they are due in the summer!!!! Seriously, kill me now.

How do we even stack up to them? All I can do is try to host the holidays, but apparently we are not good enough. You know what I think would get everyone to stay? Oh wait, the reason we have enough beds for everyone is because there is no nursery....

$100 bet that on the 26th of Christmas it is just me (crying) and Mr. A sitting down to a dinner that would feed 10 people.

Christmas is Coming...

I am The goose is getting fat.... Haha :) That is an old carol, but a fun one!

I have been so busy the last few days. It is a good busy, but I decided next year that I just want to take the last three weeks of December off of work so I don't have to worry about making up hours I spend doing errands. It would just be easier that way ;-)

I bought most of our food this morning after a nice breakfast with my sister at Whol.e Foods. We bought some of their natural italian sausages, and they smelled SO GOOD. I can't wait to make them!! I do have to get Mr. A to take me to the farm tomorrow (Saturday), because they didn't plow their driveway/road, and I was afraid of getting stuck in the cow field. Not that 4 inches is alot, but it felt slippery. I know, I'm a rookie!!

We are also pretty close to being done with shopping for gifts with family and friends. I have decided this year to make cinnamon rolls for gifts for our neighbors. I'm excited! I hope they like them :) We certainly do!!

I think in some ways all this busy-ness has been a really good diversion from all things 2ww. My mantra this time has been "I am healthy and ready to carry this child." It has actually been pretty calming along with some Qigong breathing techniques my acupuncturist taught me. Who knows if there is a "this child", but I want to have a positive mindset. I feel a sense of peace that I am doing just what I should be by excitedly getting ready to play Christmas hostess. I would love nothing more than to have to refuse our Bailey's coffee on Christmas morning, but I fully expect to be able to drink a batch on my own.

(All of this being said, if we are pregnant this time, the due date would be Sept 2. This baby could be born on August 27- a very special day for me, and also the date of my grandpa's passing. I can't lie and say this isn't in the furthest back point of my mind. Of course I calculate my due date every single month (it's a sickness), but this is different somehow. I don't know. I'm sure a due date of October 2 would be just as lovely.)

The only Christmas card I've received from my college friends is from my superstar fertile friend. (And, it was a normal card with a family 4x6 inside. Love this combination, if you must include a picture.) On the one hand, I assume I'm being excluded and I don't think it's any coincidence that this year 63% of them are either expecting or have babies, and that ever since I told them of our struggle, they've mostly been silent. On the other hand, maybe with kids, it is hard to get the cards out. Ho hum.

Except that I didn't send cards to all of them either. *Gasp!* According to one of my friends, that makes me the one pushing them away. But the way I look at it, this is a two way street. I just told "you" (my supposed friend) that I am having an awful struggle, and you don't do anything. In my book, you are not exactly holding up your end of the deal. So don't cry to me that I'm the one pushing you away and not sending you a Christmas card.

*anyway*

All in all, things have been good lately. It is refreshing to see Bert bounding around in the snow, having peppermint tea after dinner, and loading up the wood stove just before I fall asleep watching the flames through the glass. It is exciting to do things around the house in anticipation of my family coming. It is humbling to think of what we actually celebrate at Christmas. May that be the thing that sticks in our heart this Christmas, no matter how much we feel our life is falling apart. I bet Mary and Joseph felt pretty out of their element and lost when they were trying to comprehend the road before them as parents of God's Son.

Menu

It's SNOWING!!!

I sat down last night and figured out our menu for Christmastime. Of course it is flexible (e.g., if we want to eat out for lunch sometime), but I will have all the ingredients on hand for these things. Here's what we are having next week!

December 23
B-n/a (no one will be here yet)
L-Baked Potato Soup
D-Barbeque Pork Sandwiches w/ Coleslaw
D-Blackberry Cobbler

December 24
B-Biscuits, Sausage Gravy
L-Leftovers, Quesidillas
D-Italian Soup, Rolls
D-Raspberry and/or Apple Crisp

December 25
B-Cinnamon Rolls
L-Ham @ My sister/brother in law's place
D-Leftovers
D-Pumpkin Pie

December 26
B-Waffles
L-Hot Sandwiches
D-Mulligatawny, Rolls
D-Cookies, Ice Cream

December 27
B-Eggs, Potatoes, Toast, Bacon
L-Pizza
D-Chili, Corn Bread
D-Pumpkin Creme Pie

December 28
B-Pancakes
L-Chili Dogs
D-Steak Sandwiches
D-Leftover desserts

December 29
B-Biscuits, Zucchini Bread, Sausage
L-Leftovers
D-Beef & Barley Soup

To Drink: Sweet Tea, Hot Tea, Coffee, Bailey's Coffee, Manhattan's, Beer
To Snack: Nuts, Dried Fruit, Chips/Salsa, Popcorn, Veggies/Dip

What do you think? :) I am so excited to be making all this food!!! (With the exception of the hot dogs, everything will be homemade, including pie crusts and rolls!!)

Lately

Seriously, how does a free promotional issue of Parents magazine find its way to MY mailbox? Any inexperienced infertile would take this as a sign (swoon!!!!), but I have been around the block enough to know that this is just a sick joke. Even sicker given that Christmas is next week. Ha!!

What do you think, do I want a subscription?

Hahaha.

But maybe since I had so much fun babysitting my dear friend O's baby girl (okay, I think she's three, does that qualify as a baby?), I should sign up for the magazine. Hehe.

In all actuality, me and Mr. A did have a blast babysitting on Saturday night while our friends celebrated their anniversary in the cute little town just west of here. I held our little charge on my lap while we were eating dinner, and thanks to eating with my left hand, I have never dropped so much food on the floor (Bert and Banana were thrilled!). We played toys with her and we read books to her and we got her to bed like old pro's. Now to get us one of them kids!!!

We've been having a pretty good Advent, spiritually-speaking. Although of course every time I hear about the "miracle of Christmas" or "the child we have all been waiting for" or "we are waiting in silence for the joy that is going to change our lives" my first thought is that they are talking about us finding out we are expecting a healthy baby. Haha. What, that isn't what the Bible is talking about? Ha!

But in reality, focusing on giving is helping me get my mind in the Christmas season. God gave us the gift of His Son, and it has really helped me to meditate on that, as well as think of what gifts we we be giving friends and family- it makes me happy to think of how those gifts might make a difference (even it it seems like a small or day-to-day one) in their lives.

As for thinking of myself this Christmas, it is all I can do to prepare myself now to be having CD1 on Christmas Eve. I am not even kidding. If I have to be infertile, I don't know why I need to have the additional agony of being reminded in bright red (get it?) that I AM NOT A MOM on freakin' Christmas Eve. Someone pass me a Manhattan.

But I digress, as this was supposed to be fairly upbeat post! Our tree is up, I am making cookies on Thursday, and most of our gifts have been purchased- now I just need to wrap them all. Did I mention that I made myself a list of things to do each day before my family gets here, and remarkably, I am exactly on track! We'll see how long I can keep it up!

Possibly

I may see some Christmas spirit peeking into the window.

I had a great acupuncture session yesterday. She said my lower abdomen is warm, which is an improvement in itself because most of the time it is coldish and she uses a burnt herb to add some heat. She did some new points around the bottom of my rib cage, in addition to the normal kidney and liver and spleen ones. I also asked her to do the one on the top of my head which is to lift the spirit. Goodness knows my spirit has been glued to the floor lately.

Since I am not temping or using my monitor, I have no idea when/if I ovulated already- I had some bloating and some crampy feelings on Tuesday night, but that was only CD12, which makes today CD15- and in nonmedicated cycles, I've usually ovulated by now. But who knows. We've actually covered our bases pretty well, without even "knowing" I think. But it is nice to just feel in the moment and go with it, without having that moment forced because you got a peak on your monitor that morning.

Up until yesterday, I was 70% sure this would be kind of a sad Christmas (hostessing issues notwithstanding). Now I am only 20% sure. That is progress, people!!!

I have finally made my list (of things to do each day from now till the 21st! Yes, I am type A), and I am finally looking forward to going out shopping for people. I feel like I have some energy to devote to this season, which is more than I can say for the time up until now.

This season has been pretty dark and lonely and disappointing so far. And what's worse is that I feel that alot of you all are experiencing the same darkness as me. I hope that we have alot of light coming, and that right now is like what they say that it's the darkest right before the sun rises (I think, because the moon has also "set", so there is no light at all?).

Here's the song in my heart today. I still feel unsure, wary, and a little bummed, but I can possibly see a light at the end of this tunnel:

Just us.

Boy this Christmas season is wearing me out. I am totally not in the mood, and although I know I have alot to do before my family arrives, I keep putting things off. I am very excited about my family coming, for the most part.

Except that I am worried that it will be a repeat of Thanksgiving, where everyone scatters soon after the big to-do.

One of my sisters lives a half hour east of us. Because our house is bigger (4bd) than their townhouse (2bd), I expected everyone (including them) to come here, get settled into their rooms, and we could stay up every night till midnight drinking egg nog and talking and playing cards.

It doesn't look like that will happen.

Some other members of my family are worried that she will feel less important because no one is staying with them, so they are considering staying with them at least some of the nights they are "here". Well great, I will go to all the effort of "hosting" Christmas and people won't even be here.

I am so excited (in theory) to decorate all their rooms, put out baskets of snacks and water, and really make them comfortable. It would be great if no one had to worry about driving here or there when it is dark and super cold.

In order to include a trip to their house, I've asked if they want to have the Christmas day meal at their place. They have said that will be good! Here is what I'm picturing, after we are done eating Christmas day dinner:

Family: "Okay, well, we are going to hang out here for the next few days."
Us: "Well, alright, we'll just drive home in our lonely car to our empty house that is supposed to be full of family and laughter this Christmas."

Why can't everyone just let us host Christmas this year, and we will all go to their house whatever year they get a bigger one?!

Maybe I am being selfish, but I just can't bear the thought of another disjointed, unfamily holiday. The thought of everyone leaving makes me really sad. Maybe I am being unreasonable or maybe I have my expectations set too high- maybe at some point I will want everyone to go away!

Maybe if we had kids, everyone would want to stay here the whole time. But it's just us.

ETA: My sweet sister called and listened to me cry about this and then reassured me that we will have so much family time, I will begin to go crazy ;-) I will be okay. I can get in the Christmas spirit. I can do this.

Also ETA: It's not that I don't like going to my other sister's place. Their townhouse is very homey and comfortable!! And I am sure our Christmas day dinner there will be awesome!! I am just scared we will all be separated all the time. Am I crazy for wanting tons of time with family? Haha.

He knows

Ladies, Mr. A has finally felt it.

Yesterday, I got a text from the wife of one of Mr. A's friends. We don't hang out with them often because our lifestyles are pretty different. Here is what I've written about them before:

It's interesting how hubby's deal with infertility, especially failures of significant cycles. A guy we know here (late 50ish) and his wife (late 30ish) are also going through treatments. They, fairly regularly, smoke cigarettes and something-different-than-cigarettes-if-you-get-my-drift, polish off bottles of wine per person, make enough j.ello sh.ots to satisfy an entire fra.t house, drink enough at home to cause passing out on their front porch, and drink enough at a bar to cause a yelling match in the parking lot followed by a poor decision to drive home. All while romantically professing that it is their deepest desire to have a child together. You know, just the people whose first IUI (fairly recently) will be wildly successful. They are having a party coming up, the day after they find out if their IUI worked. We have gone to their parties before (and have chosen coke instead of ya.ger, of course). I told Mr. A that I don't mind going, but he said without equivocation that he doesn't want to go because it will be right after they find out and he doesn't want to be there either outcome. Struck me as a demonstration of how guarded he actually is when it comes to others trying, especially others who have no apparent regard for trying to be as healthy as possible through all of this.

So anyway, the wife says she wants to have us over for dinner. I mentioned this to Mr. A when he called on his way home from work. He goes, "well, um, well, maybe I should tell you when I get home."

Oh. My. Godsh.

They are due in April.

Mr. A found out about a month ago when my college friends were trying to kill me, and he thought (pretty wisely so) that I couldn't handle this on top of that. He knew I would be really upset. And he was right. I cried some loud, sad tears before he arrived home last night. I felt very clearly that God hates me.

But for the first time (that I know about), he is hurt and angry, too. He said "I can be happy for anyone else, even your (w)itchy friends. But the only thing I feel when I look at him is anger. They are the most undeservingest people, and yet they can go have a baby."

Sigh. Mr. A is normally not a person who gets angry, so for him to feel this way, I know he is hurting big time.

It's not that I want my husband to feel the same anguish that I do almost every time I field a pregnancy announcement, but I think he finally understands how it is so much easier said than done to "just be happy for them" when you feel, for a variety of reasons, that there is no reason why they should have been able to make a baby- or at least your prayers should have been answered first.

We talked about this crappy situation the entire walk with the dogs. And while we were making dinner. And while we were eating dinner. It was so nice to have a conversation about how much this hurts. I told him that "there must be some amazing stuff coming down the pipe for us after this", except, in the heat of the moment, I didn't say "stuff", if you get what I mean.

I also decided that if we want to buy any sort of thing (as long as we can afford it), my reason is going to be that "obviously we aren't going to have to pay for college". Ha!

We will be okay. We talked about lofty goals of setting up a college scholarship fund for a high schooler in our area, or maybe getting on the board at the food bank or something. We have to figure out how our lives are going to mean something, when everyone else but us are being validated by having kids.

But hell if we are going to their house for dinner. Neither of us can handle that. Unfortunately for them, our weekends are filled up with appointments that aren't scheduled yet ;-)

Too bad

My friend, my beautiful infertile-friendly friend, finally revealed that she is a mere mortal after all, not some angel sent with special background on how to deal with me.

She emailed me yesterday to see how I was doing. Which was awesome in the first place. But after I responded that it has been a pretty tough season so far, and that I am numb to all the excitement that everyone else is feeling, and how Christmas with adults is so anticlimatic, and how it's the worst time to be on the outside looking in, she writes:

"I know what you really want is a baby (and we do pray for that), but what I really want is for you to find happiness and fulfillment with your life, however that works out."

Um.

Okay.

That is all fine and good, objectively, because don't we all want happiness and fulfillment in our lives?

But come on, this kind of sentiment coming from an effortlessly fertile person is like a knife to my heart. Why don't I just drive down to the housing projects in my nice car with my clean clothes and my full stomach on my lunch break from my great job and tell the first person I see that, I'm really sorry you don't have a job or a safe home or food for dinner, but I hope that you're happy and fulfilled anyway, no matter if you have to live in awful conditions the rest of your life.

Am I being dramatic?

I agree with her, I really want to live a fulfilled, happy life. And wouldn't it be great if tomorrow I could wake up and give two shakes of a rats tail about filling any of our bedrooms with children. But I seriously doubt that will happen, tomorrow, or any day. Wouldn't it be great if I could just decide, hey, I am going to pick {whatever} amazing goal that will change the world and go after it with as much zeal as I have. But everything I think of now seems like a failing substitute for what is in my heart.

And, sort of on the flip side, I wish I was better about carrying this damn dang cross of mine. I wish that I could carry it with a smile on my face and say, hey look at me, I have this awful life struggle, but I am totally happy and fulfilled and I am 100% sure that God will take this cross off my broken back some day!!

But let's face it, I am not 100% sure. Because He does call some people to be childless, and even if I can somehow fake being happy and fulfilled and pretend that my (for example) new philanthropy at the animal shelter is just as rewarding as raising babies, this cross will always hurt in some way. I am sure of it.

I have given her the link to this blog, but I don't think she reads it. I write this post with utter honesty, and I hope she will understand that if she comes here. She has been one of the TWO of my friends who has been genuinely supportive of us, and I know no one's perfect, so I am attempting to give her a pass this time. It's too bad, though, because now I sort of feel like she thinks I should just shut up already about it.

And at the end of the day, I am staunchly maintaining that Christmas is the worst time to be on the outside looking in.

daylight

Sun is up! It snowed last night, too!

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update

Well, Mr. A thought the covers looked weird, so I folded them so they are only on the top... I will post a daytime photo tomorrow!

Hopefully it looks okay with the shelves showing! There was something that bugged me about the covers too, so this way is good with me!

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first stab

Finally got some decorations out. We can't have our real tree in our room because the stove will dry it out too much, so the real one will be in the front room and I got a little fake one for this room.

What do you think? I am worried the snowflake bookcase covers (tablecloths) make it look too busy, but my sister said she didn't think so
... do you like the stockings I got Bert and banana on the right?

I also ordered some gifts this morning! Free shipping!!!

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Behind

My sister told me last night that she is pretty much done with her Christmas shopping. What?! I know, she's not the only one, and maybe the rest of you are done, too. But I haven't even started.

I seem to have this attitude that there is no urgency in shopping- it is only December 3 after all- but then I look at the calendar and realize there are really only three weekends till Christmas! Luckily, since I work from home, my schedule during the week is flexible, so I can go then. But unluckily, the next two week are busy at work!

At some point, I'm going to have to get a list together and go face the consumerism.

It is kind of uncharacteristic for me to not be totally gung ho about shopping. I did buy some new outside lights yesterday, so that is a start I think, but I am still not in the "Christmas" spirit.

Or maybe I am, in a spiritual sense. Advent is a time of quiet waiting. Waiting for an event that will change your life. Waiting for an event that is so awesome and amazing and joyful. Mary & Joseph did not roll into Bethlehem blaring celebratory music with a donkey full of perfectly wrapped gifts. They silently snuck in to a town that had no idea what it was in for that night.

That is how I feel. I feel quiet.

But we are hosting my family for Christmas, and Lord knows I want our home to look like a Crate & Barrel catalog. I want there to always be an open wine bottle and Bailey's coffee in the crockpot. I want there to be good food and family games until 1am. I want this to be the merriest, funnest, happiest Christmas we've ever had together. I feel like everything will have to be perfect and entertaining to make up for the fact that there won't be any kids' faces to watch as we read the story of Christmas or open gifts we've selected for each other.

But of course no one has the money to buy the whole fancy Christmas catalog things (or maybe some do, but I'm not sure it is worth it). I'm sure I can make things look very festive with some help from Target.

And I'm sure once I get my head in the game, as they say, I will be just as giddy as they next person in line at BB&B. I do love wrapping things for people, imagining them as they open the package!

But for now I feel behind everyone else this Christmas season. What else is new, with all the ways I've felt behind this year. At some point maybe I'll catch up with the rest of society!

Ironic, on so many levels

I ordered two books recently- The Fertility Diet and The Infertility Cure.

They came yesterday, and I set them in my chair to read after dinner.

After working for several minutes, I noticed Bert was noticeably quiet. Turns out, he was EATING The Fertility Diet!! Haaaaa!!!

Of course, I didn't think it was funny at the time.

I think it is hilariously ironic now. A dog, EATING a book about a diet? The fact that I even got a book about diets? The idea that any specific combination of food will magically land a baby in my belly?

And, if the cosmos is at all involved, I feel a sort of relief that Bert chose to eat the Fertility Diet one and not the Infertility Cure (chinese medicine concepts), because if I am honest, I believe that chinese medicine practices will go way further in getting us on the right track (physically) to having a healthy child.

After a cursory review of both, it seems that The Fertility Diet is in contrast to the Infertility Cure, at least in that the former encourages at least one serving of full fat dairy per day, while for most chinese medicine diagnoses, dairy is discouraged.

I did, however, read most of the Infertility Cure last night, and I am very on board. I am taking it with me to acupuncture this afternoon, because I want my practitioner to look at some of the points they recommend and to ask her some other questions. She is good, but I don't really think she has alot (if any) other experience with infertility, and the book is actually pretty specific about acupuncture/pressure points!!

The author of the book says that she has close to a 75% success rate. SEVENTY FIVE?!?!?!? She gives success stories at the end of every chapter, and almost everyone she writes about conceives within 4 months. It's hard not to conclude that it will happen to me like that. But I will just keep trying to get ourselves as healthy as possible, and maybe a baby will want to snuggle in to our cozy place soon.

Let's raise our glasses of wheatgrass goop, and have a toast to all the crap we put ourselves through for the chance at motherhood...

There, I did it.

I finally went back to the dentist.

I went *cough* three years ago (do you think my teeth are moldy and falling out after telling you that?) to this dentist near our previous house. Her office was state of the art, zen, and she was very talkative. I didn't think she was so bad (I think I needed one small filling), but she told Mr. A he needed like 3 fillings and a root canal/crown... and he to this day calls her the "butcher" and maintains that she was just filling-happy.

Then mix in three years of trying to have a baby, and being what appears to be unnecessarily worried that the two seconds it takes them to xray your mouth will harm "the baby" that "could" be in my womb, and Mr. A who has taken up the opinion that all dentists are evil, and you have the two of us who haven't been back.

But we decided enough was enough. (And it just so happens that I was on CD5, so no worrying about the baby!) I got a recommendation from my friend here, and we went yesterday afternoon. Our new dentist is super old and probably won't be practicing after another several years, but he is very personable, very reasonable, and very gentle! YAY. Mr. A has two cavities, but I don't have any! DOUBLE YAY.

The receptionist was also very nice and asked if we had kids. When I responded no, but that we were praying for one, she said "Well, kids will come soon enough." Really? Soon enough, you say?