I'm not alone

Monday, July 13, 2009

So my friend K (who started clomid last cycle, too) texted me today with the news that it's CD1 for her. Ughhh. I guess, in the interest of selfishness, this is as good of an outcome that there can be- she is still one person who is not pregnant and not leaving me behind- but in the interest of solidarity in our struggle, I am so heartbroken for her (and me). I mean that with all my being. We are still thankful because we both experienced our first medicated cycles pretty much the same time (I'm about a week ahead of her), and it was heavenly to be able to compare side effects and crazy IF thought patterns. Now we move on to clomid cycle #2- what will God do with this one?!

The last time K and I were talking, we were going over our pact to give the non-pregnant one of us some space if (when) one of us gets pregnant before the other. (Of course, I am praying that God will pull some serious strings of His and allow us to share the miracle at the same time!) She was saying how for her, it's easier when someone who struggled to get there finally gets the baby test, and I guess to some extent I'd agree with that, but I think deep down, all pregnancy announcements are the same for me. It is selfish for me to think, I'm pretty sure, but I am having a hard time helping it. It is so joyful for those of us who've tried for eons to finally get a BFP, and I am so thankful that God has lifted another of us out of the pit of despair, but the sting for me is just the same. I'll be praying my heart out for Sew tonight that her bloodtest tomorrow will reveal a new soul, but if so, I'll miss her hilariously honest and open posts about her struggle with being infertile and barren. In the same way, I was praying for K that she might have conceived on her first round of clomid, but at the very same time a tiny voice deep down was trembling and saying, but then what about you, A? You will be that much more alone on this road...

I love how those of us struggling rally around anyone at the end of the 2ww and hope that this one will "end" differently than all the others, and I don't think anyone (myself included) is insincere about our support of everyone else. I truly do hope that more people have their infertility crosses lifted away by our awesome God. I truly do want God to use others' baby blessings to encourage me in my journey. And I don't think I'm alone in these sentiments. I love when God creates new life in someone who has been longing for it for what seems like forever.

But after all the uplifting and rejoicing and praising and thanking for the baby blessings of others, I retreat to my rocking chair with my Bible and hang my weary heart on my most beloved Psalms...18, 34, 37-38, 69, and 88.... Am I alone?

ETA: I really don't mean that I'm not excited for people when they get their elusive positive test!!! I am so excited for them, but for now, it still stings a little in any circumstance...

7 comments:

the misfit said...

Well said. On the one hand, I would be beside myself if I had to walk this road alone, without the alternating raw honesty/hormonal insanity/penetrating insight/hilarious camaraderie that our fellow bloggers are for me. Their lives are a light in mine, and that light would be much fainter if they were expecting - it's just not where I am. Their pregnancies are indeed somewhat bittersweet - more often, what I'm sad about is watching a person whose "voice" I enjoyed fade and have less time for the bloggers she leaned on when she was childless, and sometimes turn into a rather different person, to whom the particular experience of infertility often seems alien. I usually get to keep them for a few months, sometimes all nine...but ultimately I usually feel that they're lost to me, and I have to let them go. I will say, though, and I am sure this is a grace not of my making, that there are people whom I really and truly wanted to see pregnant before me (but then, I'm no longer impatient to get pregnant - a little frightened at the thought of never, but not desperate for now). One of those was Bella (Andrea), and she seems to be carrying a healthy baby. Praise God. Anyway, this is pointless rambling. I feel I can confidently assure the blogosphere that I will still be here, unpregnant, for as long as it takes, should my ponderous and random thoughts give solace to anyone. Praying for your next cycle.

prayerfuljourney said...

I feel the same way you do and understand completely that I'm happy for those who get to experience pregnancies and childbirth but on the other side, I feel left out...like I'm missing out on something and I feel sad for myself. I want to share in the joy! I know we all do! We all want that BFP moment so share. We just don't know if we'll get a turn or when. It's hard to make friends who are having children. They want you (me) to be so happy for them and feel so excited for them and blah, blah, blah which I do...but's it's not the same kind of happiness I would have if I had my own child. It's hard to know that happiness...when you've never experienced it oneself. I don't know if that makes sense. I've never won a million dollars...there's no way how I could know how that feels. I guess hearing baby announcements is bittersweet...it's so sweet the couple are expecting but bitter for me..since it reminds me of where I've never been and not sure I'll ever get there. I do try not to be selfish but who else is going to protect my feelings? Who truly cares? Sorry for the babbling...I feel I know where you are coming from. and yes...if I had a friend doing the same thing I am and she gets the news first...that would be hard...it's happened to me. I've been there and it's not a good feeling at all. Just another challange I've had to face on this IF journey. God bless.

Hillary said...

I feel exactly the same way. When I made my IRL IF friend, I said to her, "One of us is bound to get pregnant." There's something extra special about IF friendships, but it is strange that once somebody becomes pregnant they are no longer an IF friend...just a friend...

But I am rooting for you all the way -- even if I have to go have my moment of sadness if you leave me behind! :)

Sew said...

Thanks for your prayers! I completely understand the news of a pregnancy. For me when another IF, as you explained, gets plucked from dispair it is exhilarating for me, yet almost like a what about me!?? Even if I freak out a little bit, it still gives me a lot of hope!

I hope the clomid works for you! :) How is your luteal phase? :)

Praying for Hope said...

I know what you mean. Every BFP for someone else - no matter how long she's been struggling - is happiness for the soon-to-be mama inexorably entagled with misery for yourself. Being left behind all over again. You're not alone.

callmemama said...

I am ecstatically happy for each IF'er that gets a BFP, because it gives me some kind of hope that I could be next! Yet, of course, there is that sadness to be left behind once again. Usually, I stick around with blogs throughout their pregnancies (if they post), but they generally lose me after the child is born. I just don't know what I have to offer at that point, I guess.

Stacey said...

Definitely not alone in those feelings!

After 8 years, I've made it through LOTS Of pregnancy announcements from almost every one of my friends. I'm always happy for them (and yes, there is even more joy for those who have overcome IF or m/c). I think it's totally natural to feel happy for someone and yet sad for yourself at the same time. And I don't think that makes your happiness insincere!
Thanks for this honest post!