State of the Cycle

Sunday, July 26, 2009

At 6pdo today, I remembered, the instant my thermometer beeped, what I have not been missing by not taking my temp these past 7 months. After being 98.31 yesterday, it was 98.14 today... a crushing drop which oblivious naive trying-to-conceive'rs would take and squeal with joy because it's perfect timing for a little implantation dip... and meanwhile I groan and try not to stifle (too much) the little hope that is trying to remind me that I never know, really, but all I can count on after all this time is a secondary estrogen surge. Ugh.

All of that being said, I have never been so bloated EVER as I was last night after we went to dinner with some friends that Mr. A works with. I literally felt HUGE when we got home (not to mention slightly huge when trying to pick out a shirt to wear...), and I feel strange overall from time to time, sometimes I get this strange vibration feeling in the uterus area, and my dreams have really been out of control lately, and I still get weird tenderness/pains up top sometimes. Of course all of these things could be thanks to my lovely new friend clomid, .....or a lovely new blessing(s) growing and thriving in a cozy new home.

I'm praying for the latter, of course.

I probably won't test till next Monday at the earliest because, well, I haven't ever gotten a positive the, oh, 3 times in my whole life I have tested, and more generally, I am a testing scaredy cat.

Which brings to mind that that day (8/3), a patient of mine at the pregnancy center is coming back for her 8-9ish week ultrasound. PERFECT. (sigh) This girl was so excited about being pregnant, she had already told all her friends and family that she might be pregnant and everyone in the whole world is stoked for her. As you may imagine, we don't get many clients who are over the moon about an unexpected pregnancy. She is finishing up college, and she just beamed when we were talking about how the baby is developing now (she was only 5-6ish weeks when I saw her). She is a runner, and she identifies mostly with being Christian rather than the solely denomination she was brought up in. While she was talking at one point, I was just looking at her, and thinking, "Wow, it's like I'm seeing a mirror image of me, especially the day I am positive there's a little one inside." I saw so much of me in her, that it gave me an odd sense of a "vision of the future" that really inspired me to look forward with earnest expectation of that day in my life. In alot of ways, her unbridled enthusiasm really encouraged me to keep hoping!

But when I got home and realized that what the day we'll be looking at her wiggly baby on the tv screen might mean to me. Either it'll mean I need to call CVS and request my final refill of clomid, or (please please please please Lord) I can quietly rejoice in communion with her because (God willing) I'll be carrying my own wiggly baby.

(Aside: I volunteer Monday afternoons, and ever since I started volunteering there, CD1 has been on or very close to a Monday. I have an overriding feeling that I am going to find out we're pregnant on a Monday (hopefully but not necessarily 8/3), and I will have to decide whether to announce the news during our group prayer time that day (before the shift), or whether to wait a couple more weeks.)

I have been really proud of myself lately for how much I think I've been able to give (hurl, throw, launch) this struggle to God for Him to turn it around into a blessing in His time, although I'm sure I could still use help in laying down my burdens. And this time is no different. I pray that He has already created a new little happy, healthy soul who'll be along for the ride until April. I pray with expectation, knowing that I'll see His hand in the creation of our children. But above all, I pray for His will for our family to be done. And that I'll have the courage and faith to trust Him with reckless abandon, whatever comes next.


This_Cross_I_Embrace said...

I'm praying for you, too! That is wild about the young girl, and how you saw yourself in her... I believe this was God's way of showing you that you too will be there one day. Maybe even now :)

Jen said...

many prayers coming your way! i'm hoping for great things with your crazy dreams and extreme bloat!!!

how hard those CD 1 mondays must be :-( i hope you don't ever have one again!

Hillary said...

It sounds like you're doing great in your tww, although no matter what it is a looong and difficult two weeks. I'm praying for a little miracle inside of you, too!

Eileen said...

I will keep you in my prayers.